DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

YANBU but you know that and if you've ever so much as sniffed MN before, you'll know exactly how the voting will go.

"But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself."

Stay true to yourself by paying your way a bit more often.

I personally hate DMs (sorry 🤦🏼‍♀️), they just aren't my style. My friend wears them pretty much everywhere (even my wedding! Which didn't annoy me as much as when we in Las Vegas in them and complaining she was hot! 😂).

BUT she likes them and so do you, so wear them and he can wear the heels!

@cocunut duty? Really? That's a very dangerous and toxic/unhealthy path to go down.

You're either consciously trading for nice experiences, money etc or he has you in a position where you feel you owe him and have to pay him back(to keep him). Either way, It won't stop at a pair of heels and a dress.

Why are the only options DMs or high heels? I managed to not wear either of those.
A smart pair of Chelsea boots?
A pair of slipper shoes with embroidery on them?
Sequin ballerinas?
Velvet Mary Janes?

Who doesn’t love boots with a dress!?
Doc’s go with pretty much everything!
I can’t walk in heels.

You say you’ve always dressed this way and so he clearly didn’t hate your style enough to put him off dating you so why change now?

Ahh so you want all the trappings of someone else's hard work, so you still get the 'Princess treatment' as you called it?

Perhaps you need to think about what will happen if he dumps you for someone more 'his type', and you're left alone like Cinderella, waiting for another Prince to finance your lifestyle?

Dress how you want, DMs rock!
But have you seen Irregular Choice? All my post emo friends love them
https://www.irregularchoice.com/?/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=search_brand_uk&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwztOwBhD7ARIsAPDKnkA0uNYMkrGzNhEnUp9_JTQ_p2GTvdML-_PCDWq9XXY7KIKRVXZu43UaAii1EALw_wcB

DH doesn't like short hair on women. Really didn't want me to cut mine and mentioned it many times. Didn't stop me. I've had a bob several times, because I wanted to and it's my hair. Funnily enough, he still wanted to shag me.
He really doesn't like nose piercings on women. I've always known this. I got mine done last year and I love it, didn't for a second reconsider just because he doesn't like them. He doesn't even notice it any more I don't think.
Do not compromise what you want to do with own body.

Unfortunately I also had to put up with DH having an awful beard for a year or two, because it works both ways. But I still loved him and found him attractive, I just preferred him without it. We like what we like, but we can't impose that on others.

Yes I was going to say this.
High heels aren't terribly fashionable at the minute as well as being uncomfortable to wear, and if you want to branch out from DMs there's lots of different choices including trainers and Birkenstock style sandals for the summer.

I had no income for years, raising our disabled child and our non disabled child. My input into our family was equal to my husband's.

My husband never asked me to dress a certain way, and has never once criticised my clothes. I wear trainers, baggy pants, band shirts.

If my husband had said 'You could look like X, Y, Z if you made a bit of effort' I'd have felt horrible, for one, and then probably upset, confused and a bit defiant. But the point is HE HAS NEVER SAID IT, because being the wage earner doesn't let you say or do whatever the fuck you want.

Are you trying to hold onto him because you think he could possibly furnish you with a lifestyle you want in the future? He's not doing it now, and he won't change. People don't.

I agree that you shouldn't change what you wear to suit your boyfriend, but I do agree that DMs, trainers, and most flat shoes look awful and very unflattering with skirts and dresses.

This post is bringing back horrible memories of an ex I had in my mid 20s. He too preferred the dress/heels look. He had loads of money too and felt it entitled him to control me. He ruined my self esteem for years until I sacked him off. Someone who loves you doesn’t give a shit about your shoes.

I absolutely love my DMs and have had a very similar style to yours for much of my life :-) BUT I am now at a point that I'm happy to go out in a nice (not figure hugging) dress and either knee high boots or heeled ankle boots for occasions that warrant it. You'll still never see me in stilettos, but once I started exploring a bit, I found I could still be comfortable and 'me' in other things. Definitely worth looking around at styles and trying a few things on. However, please don't change yourself for anyone - you need to be happy and comfortable!

Darling, that is pretty much the definition of 'insulting what you're wearing'. It's just he's doing it in a particularly insidious controlling/not controlling way. My spidey senses are tingling. I'm not sure this is a good man.

Speaking if velvet mary janes.

I’m quite indie even now at 44. When I was 29 I had a boyfriend who after our first date said he was disappointed that I’d not worn smart black trousers (I’d worn black jeans, heels and a hella sexy halter neck backless top) but it was very indie style. He never shut up about it. Wanted me smart - wanted me to wear stockings when we went out. Guess what, these were just the early red flags, he was beyond controlling, I could list you hundreds of things he said and did that seemed caring to start with. Not saying your boyfriend is the same, but if you fundamentally find your self thinking about changing for him, maybe he doesn’t want you as you anyway. I lasted 4 years with this absolute piece of shit and 11 years on from breaking up I still suffer from self esteem issues because of him.

And what happens when you get older and perhaps can't wear the heels or the short dresses anymore?
It sounds as though he wants a status symbol rather than a person he truly loves.
You're only in your 20s, live your life how YOU want to. Not for anyone else.

Thanks to your advice PPs I’ve found some which I think are a good compromise. Still me, not love island trashy, but a bit dressier.

these are more ME than the second pair but I do like them both.
More sensible choice!

Do they have to look ‘flattering?’

They look cool. Stilletoes and high heels look awful and dated.

More dressier choice!

i think these reach a compromise?

sorry OP, i think those are both ugly as sin.

Just wear what you want.

I don't understand why he would get into a relationship with you knowing what sort of style you like and then want to change it.

You wouldn't catch me in a pair of heels. They're uncomfortable and I don't want to totter around just to please someone else.

Hahahaha that’s ok, i have ZERO clue so i appreciate any input! I almost don’t want to even ask DP if he likes them, that’s who I’d usually go to 😂

They will both be very painful shoes.

You don't have to wear them then.