DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

I’m not dissing them but something tells me that if OP said she’d bought “heels” and then turned up in those DP would think it malicious obedience.

Not that we are any of us advising the DP pleasing route OP.

I like a good chunky heel as in this:

I can’t do stilettos 👠 they hurt so much it’s not worthy.

I don’t really like shein but it’s for illustration purposes .

I am also a fan of maxi 👗 in summer and I pair them with that kind of shoe.

I thought the comparison to the glam woman walking past your table was a bit sad. I would hate that. Until I saw that update I had wondered if maybe he was just expressing a wish but didn’t feel strongly about it in light of everything else you had in common. But after that update, it feels more like a problem that he isn’t happy with your authentic self.

Also all the posters offering high heel suggestions…seriously 🙄

I think you should stop accepting the holidays, meals, days out etc - that’s not exactly independent behaviour

They would both work well with a maxi 👗

This whole thread makes me so sad for you OP.

He really is controlling you, trying to force you to be someone you're not. And to no-one's surprise, what he's trying to force you to be is not, I dunno, 'independent artist woman' or 'sporty health woman' but 'male gaze woman whose shoes hobble her so she can't run away'.

Fewer and fewer women are wearing heels now - because during Covid WFH, they had the unusual opportunity to step back and see 'gender expression' for what it is: a method of control.

When I see a woman wearing high heels now, I see a woman who has been disabled from walking like other humans. I honestly think we'll look back in the future with revulsion, as we do with foot-binding now.

Oh and @StopStartStopdoesn't sound so “strong and so cool” (are you taking the piss?), she sounds like she had a really traumatic time and has a huge amount of experience and wisdom as a result.

Yes, I thought I should have disillusioned the OP myself but gave it a miss. That comment seemed as if it was meant to flatter. It made me wonder if the thread was genuine. 'Strong and so cool' was never me. I just read mumsnet a lot!

@cocunut concur with everyone here that you are entitled to your own style.

However, understand your partner’s point of view that DM’s are not that appropriate in certain settings.

Have you thought about wedges or a block heel? (I googled ‘hippy dress wedge heels looking for you)

You can also wear more floaty bias cut dresses and look classy.

You don’t need to go short or body con; in fact that can look pretty trashy.

I stopped wearing heels a long time ago as I look like a giraffe on drugs and they hurt. I wear flats or long boots or sandals. Trainers if I can get away with it. Even if I was dating rather than 20 years into a relationship, wouldn't change that fact.

To be honest, if I'm not at work and I've changed out of my mucky work gear (usually compost everywhere if not leaves), whoever it is should be flattered

If my husband was wearing DM's all day every day I'd probably ask him to broaden his footwear horizons.

He sounds utterly clueless

short skirts/dresses and high heels are totally out of fashion and have been for ages

Please don't change how you dress for him. If you're not comfortable in heels and short dresses, don't wear them. There's nothing wrong with how you dress and you should wear what you like, not what your boyfriend thinks you should be wearing! If he doesn't accept you as you are, you don't need new shoes, you need a new boyfriend!

I think that aspect is fair enough - and it’s why some posters are suggesting other styles of heel or flats. It must be quite limiting for OP.

But the fact he is focused on the alternative being 👠 is what’s 🤢 - especially since it just doesn’t meld with ops style.

If you're a feminist maybe pay your own way more. Sounds like he's paying around 100 percent of trips and dinners - that isn't very feminist, especially if you feel you need to dress to suit his taste bc of it. And I'm ok with being treated sometimes or splitting things proportionally, but it's ok to say no to expensive ideas and do things within your budget. That way you won't feel pressured.

Sorry, you are not a feminist if you are considering your clothing choices because he takes you on nice holidays.

wear what you want :)

Don't change you for him.

If you want recommendations for sometimes then Irregular Choice are fabulous

This is a text-book example of negging, OP. Little digs that aren’t ‘being horrible’ but make you doubt yourself. Comparing you to others.

Some men may do this to test the water… then you put some heels on, they’ve won and they ramp it up.

To me, he shouldn’t have got together with you if he just wanted to change you.

I would dig my heels in (ha) and not change a single thing just to prove a point. And be very alert to other ways he might be negging you.

Don't change who you are for anyone! I've worn DMs and skate shoes my whole married life and DH doesn't bat an eyelid. That's because he treats me as an individual rather than an accessory on his arm. Equally I don't care what he wears as long as he and his clothes are clean. I made the mistake you are making when I was younger, pandering to misogynistic ideals from boyfriends. Total waste of time and energy- be you!

@cocunut
You sound like me! I was always DM’s and in the indie clubs. I couldn’t stand high heels.

I probably questioned myself, or thought of myself as ‘weird’ - but I’m now very proud of sticking with my style.
My issue with high heels is that they restrict women. They are uncomfortable, they prevent you from running, doing sport. Their supposed ‘attractiveness’ concerns me as they seem to tap into an old male ideal of submission and constraint.

TBH, the partners I’ve had over the years have respected my style choice and been more forward thinking in terms of their world views. I’ve never been expected to conform or be typically feminine.
Stay as you are, don’t question yourself - but do question whether you are with the right person.

Didn’t RTFT but if it was the other way around and OP was bringing her man out to nice places/events and he just wore old jeans and a worn out shirt all the time we’d all be telling OP she needs to get him to make an effort.

OP I never used to wear short skirts due to lack of confidence. I put on opaque tights underneath and I felt amazing. You might as well make the most of the fab body while you have it. Stepping out of your comfort zone can be a huge confidence boost.

I love floral dresses, and always opt for flowy type dresses because it’s just me. I’ve tried wearing bodycon and more “sexy” dresses thinking it’s what I should do but actually no! My husband once said he hated one of my dresses as it looked like a curtain - I don’t care. I wear what I want and I won’t change my style for anyone, he still loves me. If he loves you he won't care, wear what YOU feel comfortable and yourself in. Not ever for a man.

Hi! So as much as I think obviously wear what you like I am linking my most favourite heels they’re so comfy they’re the only pair I wear I have lots of different colours. I have been known to run for trains in them with no issues haha. Honestly couldn’t recommend them more, I used to be really into heels and now I don’t bother as much but when I do I always wear these!

https://www.linzi.com/products/tessa-blackgold?_pos=3&_sid=23395b2f1&_ss=r

Quite honestly I would tell him to get lost.

Honestly, don’t change to make him happy. This won’t be good for you. I promise. Just wear what you want. Experiment if you want but not for him.

I don’t like that he has expressed dislike of your clothes anyway.