DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

OP, this is painful for me to read because you remind me so much of myself when I was younger. I am also ND and got manipulated by some horrible men, frankly.

He's subtly putting you down, commenting on how other women dress and how good you could potentially look (in his eyes).

Does he really love and accept you for who you are?

"So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own"

You know what? This sounds like a transactional relationship. You need someone who earns well enough to provide the lifestyle you want,, but that you don't want to earn for yourself. He wants someone who looks hot on his arm. So I actually think you should fulfil your side of the bargain.

Also it takes longer to break in DMs than a new boyfriend, so LTB and wear your beloved boots.

the pairs of shoes you suggested are ridiculous, they are so far removed from dm's !

some of the ones ( well most actually ) suggested by the other mumsnetters are much much much better ideas !!!

have a good look, and buy yourself a pair - ones that will go with your long maxi dresses / skirts.

but do not change for him, what next will he want / suggest / criticise ?!!!

Wear exactly what you like! If you fancy stepping out of your comfort zone but staying in the comfy & individual zone take a look at Hot Chocolate (batshit flats), Irregular Choice (just batshit & plenty on ebay) or United Nude (architectural wonders).

I've got boxes of nutty shoes that I never wear cos I live in pairs of chunky, biker/military Fly boots.

But don't let him guilt you into it!

But who would pay for the OP's 'lovely holidays', 'dinners out' and 'day trips'?

She wants to be treated like a Princess, remember.

Try these for size. They come in patent red. (Sizzle lol)

https://www.goldenbeads.co.uk/products/womens-round-toe-heel-court-shoe-block-heels?variant=46766140883255

Fuck that
The day anyone told me what they would prefer me to wear would be our last conversation

What about a heeled boot, or a block heel? I can't do stilettos so either go for a block heel or a platform. Think it's handy to have at least one dressier shoe for occasional wear, even if you're mostly in your docs. I'll find some examples...

What about some flat strappy Roman sandals? They are flat, strappy and if you wear nail
Polish could work in a pretty way. They might go with your look.

Don't try heels if they are not you.

This kind of idea? Though I would recommend somewhere else to get them as ASOS shoes can be hit or miss!

That’s what I keep thinking of for OP.

For OP that is, OP; not DP.

I just think you feel quite wedded to a style as a security thing and I feel it would be liberating for you to find some variations that you ( nb YOU!) like.

Of everything you said, this red flags for me the most. Given you lack a bit of confidence OP, please think very carefully about whether you can be with someone long term who chips away at you like this. It might be said in jest, appear innocent in isolation, but this is the stuff of a million cuts which takes you from YOU to someone you don’t recognise. There is a very fine line between love and power - worth mulling over.

I have lovely DM boots with a heel they are SO nice and I feel more girly and dressed up when I wear those! You might both like them.
But don’t change your style for anyone x

Did you see the DM Chelsea boots with heel.
Why not try on but the heel may be heavy. There DM sandals too for summer.
Irregular choice are fun but maybe too wild. Also need to be tried on in store as can be a odd fitting. There is another similar style called Ruby Shoo more muted and pretty with matching bags. Again need to be tried on.
https://www.rubyshoo.com/
As mentioned earlier low wedge sandals is a good option to try.
Do go out and try on to confirm if heels are not for you if never wore them before.
In my experience heels are never ever comfortable. Only good for photos.

OP why don't you start discussing his style.? Listen carefully to how he speaks to wriggle inside your head. Record him if you have to then lplay it back until you can catch the calculated phrases. Then they'll leap out at you when he uses them.

Play his game back at him. Mention, just in passing, how you'd like him to look. Point out attractive guys. Move the focus away from you.

He'll hate that but only because he's a controlling bastard. Then, give in. Let him take you shopping but keep control off the receipts so you can collect the money once you've sent him and the heels packing.

What does breaking in a boyfriend involve Bunnyanne?! ( I get the boots bit!)

Seriously, don’t change what you wear.

Op this IS an insult.

he is saying you don’t look put together. Basically looking a bit shit AND comparing you to other women in public.

if what you’re wearing isn’t appropriate he should tell you at home, in private where you can change not shame you in public like this, even if it’s quietly done. It’s not nice.

also, are the fancy restaurants etc a common occurrence over cinema and subway for example?

are the activities your idea of what you’d like to do together or all his?

what is it you would enjoying doing for dates?

I absolutely think you should dress for you and I love my docs too. Not sure if they are for you, but if I want to dress up and not wear my boots I have these and get so many compliments, I love them!

Yes it is an insult.

I can’t begin to imagine the strop I’d throw at a comment like that.

Not sure why you can't mix it up a bit by transitioning to ankle boots or higher instead of high heels. My partner can't wear high heels but has a nice line of comfy flats and boots and shoes all with small or minimal heels can be worn formally and casually. Plus comfy sneakers can go with some smart casual outfits. I would point out that dressing up now and again is not the same as expecting a "slutty" look some men want to impose on their partners. Some MN-ers will probs point out ad well this is controlling behavs

Dr Martens do heels!

There's notging wrong with wanting to look nice for your partner. Or your partner wanting you to look nice. There is something about always making an effort when you've been together for a while, which is part of what date nights are all about. What you are describing is a world away from that. He met you with your style and now what's to turn you into his 'perfect' woman. You are not a Barbie. He is gently chipping away at you, comparing you to other women. You cave on this and what will be next? I went out with someone for a few months who started doing this if I wore jogger bottoms on a lazy Sunday, saying that women who wore joggers let themselves go. I kept the joggers and let him go. Now I'm with someone who loves all my styles. These are early red flags and I'm not usually one to say leave, but this isn't right honey and will get worse. Xx

Yep. So fucking sad.

Oh and @StopStartStop doesn't sound so “strong and so cool” (are you taking the piss?), she sounds like she had a really traumatic time and has a huge amount of experience and wisdom as a result.

It turns out, having the independence and autonomy to pursue and meaningful life is really important. If you’re just an object belonging to someone else, you’re a thing that will be replaced. You have no power or control over your own destiny. Good luck OP, you know better right?