DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

I get it - I think your style rocks, but often if my partner criticises my outfit I know that I look fashionable... but it still hurts. I tend to dress for myself and for other women if that makes sense. My partner hates high waisted trousers for example but I love them - I wear what I feel good in and I think that's ultimately what matters. It might just mean that I don't wear a pair I know he hates on a rare date we go out on (we have kids so date nights are rare now), but might wear something slightly more me with something he likes too. And likewise - I would hope he leaves this one particular polo shirt in the cupboard!

I absolutely think you can be a total feminist and still ask this question.

I have been married 40 years and my style has changed over the years . But if my husband out his slip on sketchers to go out for a meal I would say something .

If you think this thread is "man-hating" then I feel very very sorry you. Good luck, you're gonna need it.

I sort of agree, but didn’t a lot of us improved (read ‘completely changed’) our partners / husbands’ style to suit us? My husband and I laugh to this day at his white trousers and floral shirts.

I often wear DMs to weddings if the weather isn't really hot. I have some fantastic silver glitter ones which always go down well, But also my purple ones, my grey ones, my black patent ones...

I'm also a bit eye-rolly about OP saying that criticism is seen as man-bashing. I cannot roll my eyes enough.

In the words of NSYNC, I'd be saying "Bye, Byw, Bye". Next it will be your hair or the car you drive or the music you listen to....

Being ND you are vulnerable to being manipulated by people.

I understand the money is nice and the trips and paid-for dinners are nice - but don't sell your soul to the devil.

Not saying he's the devil but he's using his financial position to push you into uncomfortable territory to make you into something HE wants. Not what you want.

I'd never ask a man to buy me a pair of shoes. That's just so icky. Doesn't it give you the ick?

You're putting his desires and needs above yourself.

Remember being ND you are far more likely to want to please and ingratiate yourself. Please don't send him shoes to buy for you.

Buy them yourself. It's so disrespectful to yourself to ask your sexual partner to buy you something THEY want that you don't to PLEASE THEM but not you.

This post has literally made me wince and make ew faces as I'm writing this post. Quite rare for that to happen. Shows the intensity of feeling I am getting from your writing.

You are young, vulnerable, easily led, you say things "I can't believe he chose me!!!" and "I'm not his usual type" - has he told you that?

You've got very low self-esteem from the sounds of things.

He may be lovely in other ways but if a man told me to wear heels and dresses I'd double down on the DM boots. I'd get a patent pair, or silver spangly pair THAT I LIKE. But I would never, ever wear something for a man because he pays for things. That's a slippery slope to you know where...

Have some respect for yourself girl. Life is not just about money and favours for sugar daddys.

(forgot to mention: my SIL sprayed her docs white and wore them under her total-meringue-wedding-dress)

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if some one has already mentioned them, but I'm a big fan of a kitten heel and you can get some fab retro styles in them.

That’s a bit harsh? But I don’t get the sense they are really “ you” OP, given how you have described you like to dress.

OP I’ve just seen your post on whether it is a little bit your “ duty” to dress up the way he likes. No is the answer: big, loud no. You mention you are well matched on many fronts. That is what you bring to the relationship: being you. As others have said, post babies the reality is most people are not the pin up they were. And if you fare ok post pregnancies, you will eventually hit the age slope. Dressing up has to be about you expressing yourself and him liking it as a corollary : it cannot be part of your duty as there will come a time when you can’t deliver in the same way. Sorry but it’s true.

I'd move on if I were you, you are SO young with plenty of options and opportunities ahead of you. If he wants a girlfriend who's core style is different from yours, why is he with you? It's a big red flag to me.
Most importantly, you are very upset at the thought of wearing these clothes - Trust yourself!
My husband doesn't notice if I dye my hair, unless it is a drastic change. I don't try to change his style and he doesn't try to change mine. I have only one fairly high-heeled pair of court shoes, but not sure where they are, I think I last wore them to a funeral.
Also something to think about for the future: on Mumsnet you will see regular posts from women who's husbands earn a ton and want them to do all the housework and childcare, but then only give them a small amount of money a month. I bet all of those women went into marriage with the expectation that they would be comfortable and never dreamed that they would be counting pennies.

@cocunut So for me, it’s important to be with someone who can provide nice experiences as I wouldn’t be able to afford them on my own. My question here is really, if he’s providing the experiences would it be reasonable for my duty to be to provide what he wants Re outfits and footwear (within reason!) ?

And you say you're a feminist?

Sweaty, massive and leaky! 😂

Definitely not arm candy!

See how he feels about these 😁

@cocunut massive squishes firstly.

him not liking your DMs is one thing… there are things that me and my partner wear etc that the other doesn’t like. Doesn’t mean we expect each other to stop wearing them. There are also things we’d rather the other wore or styled them selves in a certain way. Doesn’t mean we’d outright mention it or expect it.

Your DP saying “see how put together you can look in a nice pair of heels with a dress”. Is my line in the sand however. You are out in public and he makes a remark that implies you aren’t put together, your appearance is lacking and you should dress like a personality that clearly isn’t you. 🚩 🚩 flags galore there.

How fucking dare he.

I can appreciate those type of women. I think to myself how poised they look etc. but they aren’t me. I would feel self conscious, it wouldn’t suit my figure, I don’t want to be a fake person dressing for someone else’s wishes etc.

He either accepts you as you are or moves on.

That said. Irregular choice, Joe browns etc do have some lovely artsy boots. Unfortunately I’m a broad size 9 and can’t wear many of them or DMs anymore (my plantar fasciitis hates them all!). If you had a range of artsy shoes (loads on vinted etc) or some you decorated yourself - it might help with being able to access places that don’t allow boots. That’s as much of a compromise as I’d make.

My DP loves me in heels. That’s unfortunate for him as I’m not spending hours traipsing around cities in heels to one real ale pub after another. Me and my feet demand comfort. So trainers and low boots it is.

If you have to do something you don't like to make a man happy, he is not the man for you. There are plenty of men out there. Some of them will like you for who you are.

This.

And tell him to fuck off!

I would be tempted to dress smoking hot for a date then fuck him off at the end of the night.
What's he with you for?

Thank Christ somebody said it!

I do wear boots a lot.
I think these may be my next ones:

Well done for seeing past that. I’m not sure I would have. 😂

This ☝

I luuuurve my DMs! They are so comfy and I can just walk in them forever.

Give your DP the puppy dog eyes and explain that the DMs are a part of the you he loves.

BUT

If he insists you will buy some heels. Say these words "Do you want me to buy heels for you?"

If he says he wants the heels, ask your local drag queen to borrow something outrageous/ where does he get his shoes.

When you have them invite DP in and let him try them on. If he laughs, he's a keeper. If he throws a strop then bin him. And return the heels to the shop.

ANYONE sho is with you should love you the way you are, if only because none of us can be someone else.

NB Mum reckons he's after arm candy and not a girlfriend.

That is directly insulting you. I’d LTB, there are ways of encouraging someone to try styles, that isn’t one of them. He wants you to look “put together” sheesh.

The thing is if you put on a short dress and heels to please him he might be happy but you’ll feel unhappy, probably walk like Bambi and ruin the date by looking uncomfy and giving off body language that says it!
Youre not a mannequin, its not just putting the clothes on, its giving off the confidence in them.