DP and arguments over my shoes

[cocunut]

Hi MN, hoping for some advice/support here or maybe some of you could point me towards a middle ground for us both!

For context, me and DP of 2 years have quite different styles. I’m early 20s, quite conventionally attractive with a good figure(if I can say so myself!) but I like to dress in a more indie way, think loose jeans or long maxi dresses/skirts if I’m dressing up! This is quite different to what I believe is his “type” who are the instagram model types, short dresses, think Oh Polly and just generally very girly outfits. I’ve always had this particular 80s-indie/manic pixie dream girl style (I was a bit of an emo kid at school!!)

The issue here is my shoes. I’ve recently found out that he HATES my doc martens (which I wear with pretty much everything, and have been since we met), and he’s said he “wishes I wouldn’t ruin a lovely outfit with a pair of trainers or boots”. Basically, he wants me in high heels, short dresses, and just generally to look a bit girlier. I’m a bit hurt because I LOVE those boots and would wear them everywhere, I think they go with everything but he vehemently disagrees.

Before I get absolutely flamed on here, I am a feminist and yes I know I can wear what I want and am well within my rights to tell him to fuck off!! But, he takes me on lovely holidays, out for dinners, day trips - all of which he pays for - and I want to look nice for him. BUT I don’t know where the line is between this and staying true to myself.

I was a bit of an ugly duckling until my late teens so I’m quite insecure - I own several short dresses that I know he’d like but I can’t bring myself to leave the house in them!

I tried browsing for high heels today and I actually almost burst into tears because, although I found some lovely shoes, none of them are ME! Same thing for the short figure hugging dresses, I’d honestly feel so insecure and like everyone was thinking im trying too hard. Plus, I don’t think I could even walk in a pair of stilettos without breaking one or more ankles….

What do I do? Do I just suck it up and buy the heels and dresses and wear them for date nights, then wear what I like to work and out with friends?? Or can I (gently) remind him that my style is part of how I express myself and I’m not willing to change??

Worth noting I am ND and was picked on in school for this and also the way I looked which explains some insecurities.

YABU - suck it up and wear the clothes he likes for date nights
YANBU - stick to my own style and remind him it’s a part of my self expression?

No it's immaturity.
Been there, got caught out, got divorced.

Just like teenagers we all think we know better. 🙄 She will understand...in time!

He is a man. Many men think heels or DMs. Maybe it would be good for you to check out something in between whilst sticking to your style. Not many people (me included) want to wear high heels. And I manage very well without wearing the same pair of shoes or boots with every outfit every day!

I might get flamed for this but here goes.....
Whilst I don't believe in changing your style because he wants you to I do believe in "dressing appropriately for the occasion". For me if your going out for a nice meal then DMs and baggy jeans aren't appropriate.
I have told my DH on more then one occasion to go change his scruffy t-shirt for a smarter one or a shirt if we are going out for dinner to a nice restaurant (very occasional now).

So no you shouldn't put on high heels and a figure hugging tight short dress but if your going for nice meals out then maybe a pair of ballet shoes and a smarter looking outfit like a jumpsuit, trouser and smart top combo etc.

Yes, I detest my partners crocs, I would be embarrassed if he wore them out for a meal! There are plenty of suitable options between docs and stiletto heels.

If any fella compared me to what he thought was a more “put together” woman wearing a short skirt and heels then I would take my leave of the chauvinist pig and plant a DM in his hoop.

His hoop 😂😂😂 brava 👏🏻

@Ihearyousingingdownthewire back atcha with a chefs kiss for the superb name 👌

But this is about differences in style.

Some people prefer dressing down. Fancy restaurant or not.

My oh said he didn’t like my Docs now I think about it.

I didnt pay any attention: I don’t like all of his clothes and I don’t expect him to like all of mine. But it wasn’t in a « well fuck you im not changing what im wearing » vibe. I just completely ignored it haha

Hmmm you can always go all feminist and refuse to wear anything but docs...

In my teens I was always in boots/trainers and the odd smart pair of low heeled flat shoes or with a very small heel but still flat. Then for my first job I had wear heels (it was the late 80s, natch). I found I actually enjoyed wearing them.

So you could try to wear heels, maybe lower ones or comfy higher heels, just on one offs, like going out somewhere special. Then he gets his nice look sometimes and you get to keep your docs for everyday, which is a good compromise I think.

I think they are quite masculine too OP which is fine sometimes but I will comment further below on this.

However I wanted to say first off of COURSE you should not be thinking of changing your style to please anyone else. It sounds to me as though you have found a style you are very comfortable with and that’s great. Whatever you do don’t go out and buy 👠 if that just isn’t you.

That said, I do wonder if maybe you could use this as a kickstart to experiment for yourself ( not for others!) a little. Baggy jeans are fun and maxi dresses are great and super versatile: you could wear one to the beach or a wedding! However the DMs are really not so versatile. I totally get they have a place in your wardrobe ( and don’t ditch them!) but you couldn’t really wear them either of those places without perhaps drawing attention. I’m wondering if you could play around a little with your footwear just to give you a range of looks and stop your current look becoming a uniform. It’s great to feel comfortable but it’s even better to have a wider span of things you feel comfortable with and not to feel trapped by a style. Could you try first some flat strappy sandals with your normal clothes now we are coming into summer? It would only be the shoes that were different but would give you a much more feminine ( and cool in the heat!) alternative to mix things up a bit? Or maybe ballet flats? This could be your take on a slightly more sexy look, without dressing up as someone you are not. I can’t really see heels working without changing your whole look.

I definitely don’t think you should dress to please him but I do think if you are going to quite nice restaurants etc this might look a bit more sophisticated for those times - and you might come to enjoy being able to switch up your look a bit. For yourself.

If I was his mum, I’ll tell him to run for the hills. Wanting to build your life with a young woman who already decided she wants to be kept (when you don’t even live together!) is simply odd to hear in 2024. No matter if she will accept to be objectified in return.

As an older woman, I can only advise you to study, develop a career and make sure you can take over the financial burden of your family in case your “keeper” gets ill or whatever and can’t provide you anymore with your life “in the farm, rising kids”.

but what happens when she dresses how he likes with the shoes he likes. What is the next thing she has to give him to earn her lovely days out?

more sex? different sex? what comes next in the slippery slide to changing who you are for a man?

Are you being unreasonable to not want to change who you are to please a man who should love you for who you are? No you are not.

Nothing wrong with wanting to look nice for him sometimes - but the fact you cried when looking at heels and feel so insecure about wearing the clothes he likes shows that you are extremely uncomfortable at the thought and should not be doing things that make you feel that way .

I used to dress in heels all the time - but as I’ve got older I’ve chosen comfort more . My husband loves heels - he’s always buying me them . I wear them in the bedroom 🤣. He has never tried to get me to wear them more , I do wear them if we go out but to be honest sometimes he talks me out of it because of how I moan about my feet hurting!

Yep, the MPDG comment made me wince.

MPDG?

It's a slippery slope. What happens when you're pregnant and massive? And even worse, post partum, sweaty, massive, leaky. You don't think it will happen to you but it will. Pregnancy and small children does not look the way Instagram tells you it looks. What happens when he complains you're not wearing heels then? You'll be vulnerable and poor and tied to a child, the fuck you're going anywhere.

It's a massive red flag, especially the way he is comparing you to other women. You clearly don't want to listen to us because you like he has money but make no mistake you are working for that money. You are arm candy, not an equal partner, and that's easy now. Come back in 10 years when you've been dumped and willing to listen.

He wants you to perform femininity better.

Please don't dismiss the concerns that others have expressed as 'man bashing'.

Many people, myself and friends included, have seen this pattern in abusive relationships.

The abuser creates an unequal dynamic - a younger, financially dependant partner - or a lower status co-worker. They begin to undermine your self-confidence with comparisons and an implied attraction to other men/women. They try to gradually take control by making you change for them.

I don't think a decent, caring partner would make the comments you mentioned (about other women in restaurants). I don't think anyone would say that with any other intention than undermining you.

These would be a good compromise.

I don't actually think as a pp said you should present this as a kink to him, then that leads straight down to you 'pleasing your man in the bedroom' and a reward sort of system.

I also didn't read you were ND from your OP so apologies for that, I can see why you wouldn't like to wear heels or look a certain way.

As a pp said yes you are from different tribes, you can either celebrate this or not. But chalk and cheese often attract. I would also see it as a good thing and your look probably works really well for your student lifestyle, but I wouldn't want, down the line, for him to try to pressurise you more into dressing the way he likes and less the way you like.

I just remembered another shoe style I loved when I was younger and into my early to mid 20s, these black T bar fabric shoes (you got them really cheaply from ethnic shops), I'm sure a female friend (maybe a boyfriend) commented on those, saying something maybe not negative but like "you always wear those" (they were flat) - well I liked them and they were comfy! I wore them with Laura Ashley style dresses too and long floral ethnic ones.

Anything that anyone has ever suggested I do, I've suggested they try themselves first.

Anyone suggesting I dress up in uncomfortable shoes 'for them' would get v v short shrift. Sign.

Find someone who finds you dazzlingly beautiful even wearing a bin liner. Someone who is proud to be seen with you no matter what you are wearing. You don't have to wear the bin liner, just incase you think I'm asking you to.

This advice may not be welcome, but it will get you a much, much better life than the conditional kind of love that he is offering you.

Foolish man.

But if its not appropriate for the setting then it's not a purely a style.
I mean if you wore DMs and baggy jeans to a wedding which didn't state casual then it's just rude.
It's the same with a fancy restaurant most have a dress code of smart/casual with more emphasis on smart!

My Dd wore DM’s to a wedding. Everyone thought it was great. Including the bride.

I find your post a bit unsettling.

You say - I have good figure BUT I like wearing long dresses and loose jeans. Why the heck you think the "but" belongs there? It doesnt. Whatever your looks you can like wearing whatever.
Then you say something along the lines that you need to wear a short dress and high heels to look more girly. You dont.
I aggree that massive boots worn with dresses etc. looks weird but thats still a personal preference and you dont need to be wearing any shoes or clothes just to please a man!
Also, there is a whole spectrum of shoeware betwenn massive boots and stilletos. Dtto dresses or jeans, but again, dont wear what any man tells to wear just to please him.