To wish I’d never had children?

[Squashedbyarock]

When I had my dc I was in a happier, more optimistic, naive place where I knew the world wasn’t always great but I believed there was a flip side of joy.
Age and experience have now shown me differently and largely I think life is 99.9% grind and misery with 0.01% where everything is ok.
My dc are young and cheerful, I look at them and think - you’ve got no idea.
It is all just such shit all the time, if my parents had been able to ask me before having me I’d have 100% said no, knowing what I do now.
Everyone I know is unhappy (adult) - this doesn’t give particularly good odds for my own children being content.
And I understand no one is happy all the time - happiness is fleeting - I mean more a sort of settled, calm feeling that everything is ok.

Aibu to really regret my dc - for their sake - all the misery and unhappiness that just being alive brings?

Please talk to someone about this, you sound depressed.

You sound depressed. Please contact your GP.

you need to seek therapy and support. If everyone around you is unhappy this is not good for you and I agree with pp , you sound depressed.

Though I understand what you're saying, there's no choice but to keep plodding on and surviving. Depressing yes but ultimately the truth 😁

You sound very depressed and need help.

Life isn't like that at all!

I’m totally hearing you op. I came to this very realisation over the last 12 months… I think it’s the naivety. I used to wake up in this house 18 odd years ago so full of optimism. It must be a youth thing? Bills, debt, failed relationships, failure at other levels, the world being a shit show, work stress, SEN child and family drama later…. I wonder what the fuck I hustled so hard for.

I don’t think it’s depression - I think it’s realism.
Look at the recent thread where everyone had something (generally awful) that was making their lives deeply unhappy.
life is a cycle of worry and loss.

I agree about you needing to find some support and I’m sorry you feel this way.

My circle of friends and acquaintances are generally happy. I don’t think your experience is the norm and hopefully your children will view things differently to you.

Yes you don't sound like you are in a good place. Please tell GP (if you can contact them🙄) how you are feeling. Life is grim at the minute for a lot of people but you shouldn't feel as bad as this. Take care

Agree that it sounds like you need professional help. Yes life with young children is a grind and you will struggle to get the same carefree life as before. It's tough but most people manage to find some joy in there at some point when the struggle has lifted. Adulthood doesn't automatically need to equate with misery. It's not normal to feel utterly miserable about everything and it's not fair on your children to make them feel that it's all downhill.

Get some help.

Life can be hard at times, but it shouldn't have to feel as bad as you're describing. I'd agree with previous posters about speaking with your GP - they may be able to help you get through this.

I think you need help op, please seek it, not just for your sake, but for your children. This is not realism and it’s deeply unhealthy,

You may be depressed. But you may also just be maturing to a place where you realise all the stuff you thought was possible when you were a child just isn't how the world works.

Those of us who were brought up in comfortable circumstances in the UK had parents who hoped for the best for us but life, and we ourselves didn't all live up to expectations.

We don't all end up rich, living in wonderful homes with fabulous partners. Children aren't all sweetness and light and their futures aren't any rosier than our own lives. Most people's children won't continue to play the violin after the age of 13 or be sporting stars, and will instead end up in humdrum jobs with mediocre partners and average houses, holidays and happiness levels.

They'll have children of their own and put their faith in things getting better for the next generation - hoping for the best for their kids. Hoping one of their kids will have a stellar career or maybe even be rich and famous.

Unfortunately most will be disappointed as their children will just continue to have MH problems because the of their ADHD diagnosis at age 4, mollycoddling and social media/ digital device addiction. They'll trip through life gathering up failed relationships and grasping at an ever illusive state of contentment and probably post on MN about how they wished they'd never had children in the first place.

OP I'm agreeing with others, depression can often feel like realism, please do get help.

I felt like thus before, when I left university, I wondered what it was all for and felt a stark sense of "realism". But I'm so grateful for where I am now.

Yes, we aren't rich and struggle with money and have 3 disabled children BUT we are all so happy. Life feels amazing and we get up to so many adventures enjoying nature etc.

Goodness me, that’s such a sad view, I would politely suggest maybe you also need to seek some help.

Yes you're somewhat right. As are other PPs.
You may be heading into depression territory if you can no longer put the general feeling of doom and gloom aside and feel like everything is miserable.
IME you have to put a little effort into finding room for the little things that will keep you (and the kids) going. Simple things like bubble blowing in the park, playing Frisbee (I'm so bad at it but during lockdown DD got pretty good), trying new recipes, baking simple stuff (fairy cakes, chocolate chip cookies, flapjacks - simple and cheap and almost foolproof), creating mocktails? How do you do this? , painting your nails - toes too. Oh, and my personal favourite, make a playlist of upbeat/happy songs (or use one on Spotify) and don't be afraid to sing and dance to it. Live in the moment at least some of the time, and the rest becomes more bearable.

This is from someone who posted on the SN board a few days ago in a most dire miserable mood wanting to curl up and hide for a week, so many apologies if I'm sounding like a condescending tw@t.

I feel like this sometimes

My 17 year old was upset last night as he said he was sick of everything being depressing and he's realised he'll never retire or buy a house

I tried to reassure him while secretly thinking he's right 😔

Mine are 17, 14 and 10 and I do believe when they were planned and born the world was a better place

Why will he never retire or buy a house, why does he think this at such a young age, instead of putting plans together to ensure he can?

@Jf20

I said this to him. And said if you work hard you can achieve it
But let's face it the odds are stacked against them unlike those of us in previous generations

And we're an ordinary family not rich and can't help them with deposits etc

I have nothing to add to PPs really but I'm so sorry you feel like this. Life is hard, very hard at times, and it gets on top of most of us at some point so YANBU to feel this way. I hope things feel brighter for you soon.

I hear you. I feel 100% the same way. I feel immense guilt on a daily basis for bringing a child into this world.

Ah OP I feel your pain and sadness. Life is hard and the relentless downward spiral the world seems to be taking right now is frightening. I worry for my kids too. And sometimes it seems beyond hard and futile just to keep trucking on.

But it is worth trying to see the good; we are all here; we're alive! And, and I genuinely mean this as something positive, it is always possible to die. This is true for you and for your kids - there is always an exit door and we can walk through it any time we like really. So why not wait and see? Wait for the weather to turn, to step out of the door and smell the sap rising in the trees and the sun warming the paving slabs and feel the life inside you answering that? To talk with that friend who always makes you feel so seen and understood, who always leaves you laughing no matter how serious the things that you've both shared? To share a joke with your kids that randomly escalates until you're all crying with laughter and can't stop? To start reading a book which totally sucks you in and takes your thoughts in a direction that they've never gone before? To see your kids fall in love and get married, or achieve something they're proud of? To hold your grandchild? If and when the darkness closes in again, the exit door is still there waiting. But if you wait there will be moments worth experiencing.

So much for the sales pitch. You don't mention being suicidal really, just darkly cynical about life and your former 'naivety' for thinking it was worthwhile. So can I ask - what used to give you pleasure? What makes you unhappy now? What do you fear for your children's futures that you wish you could spare them? Can any of this information be used to form a plan that can improve the outlook, or even just your day to day quality of life?

Also, and I hate to be so tedious, but we are machines of flesh and blood and chemicals, and our brains and our feelings are only functions of these things: so are you getting enough sleep, enough exercise, enough water, eating well, getting hugs? Feeling miserable and hopeless can make all these things harder to do (not to mention small kids can make sleep next to impossible to get), but ironically, if you can do them, you can't help but feel better, and if you can't you absolutely will feel worse - it's just the machine doing what it does. I mean even if your perspective on the world now is 100% right and realistic - and who am I to say it isn't? - do you want to just FEEL better, day to day, even if it's just a trick? Do you want to inculcate your kids with healthy habits that will make them better able to endure what life throws at them? Sleep, fluids, sunshine, nutritious food and oxytocin - these are the hacks that can make you feel happier even if there is genuinely nothing to be happy about.

Philosophically, it's a valid position that life is suffering, and you're not wrong necessarily about that. But practically, if you plan to go on, you might as well make it as pleasant as possible for yourself.

Op, I was one of those people on those threads and my story is horrific. Twin neonatal death. But I agree with the others, you sound very down. Kindly, I think you need a bit of therapy.

I say this because yeah 5 months ago the above happened to me. The worst thing imaginable but I still love life, and hope and dream.

Take care of yourself. I think this thread will give you perspective and I hope you are ok

I have to say this outlook utterly baffles me. Who wants their children to be rich and famous, or be professional-level musicians or sportsman??

Literally all I want for my children is for them to have a decent level of self-esteem and resilience; for them to follow their own interests and opportunities instead of feeling like they have to serve the needs of others; and to feel like they've had a fair chance at life; and to be readers. I don't care if they end up as hairdressers, hippies living in a commune in Wales, management consultants, SAHMs, opera singers, farmers or refuse workers. My honest view is if you have enough to live on, a secure housing situation, and can come home at the end of the day and enjoy a good book, then life can be very good indeed.

In fact in my experience it's relationships with other people that have the most influence on happiness, and the quality of those largely depend on what you're willing to put up with, i.e. self esteem. So literally all I want my children to achieve is the knowledge that, no matter how attractive, intelligent, wealthy, talented or successful they are or aren't, they are unique and important and 100% worthy of being loved and treated well, and to accept nothing less from anyone.

The idea I'd be disappointed if either of them weren't rich and famous, or homeowners, or married or whatever is crazy to me. You can be any and all of those things and still as miserable as sin.

I think life is amazing and I think my kids are incredibly lucky to be born in a country and age with so much access to day to day comforts and access to knowledge.

Yeah, I can see how they would have an easier time of it had they been born twenty years earlier but, shit, point out to me any other time in human history and I'd say you can keep it.