To wish I’d never had children?

[Squashedbyarock]

When I had my dc I was in a happier, more optimistic, naive place where I knew the world wasn’t always great but I believed there was a flip side of joy.
Age and experience have now shown me differently and largely I think life is 99.9% grind and misery with 0.01% where everything is ok.
My dc are young and cheerful, I look at them and think - you’ve got no idea.
It is all just such shit all the time, if my parents had been able to ask me before having me I’d have 100% said no, knowing what I do now.
Everyone I know is unhappy (adult) - this doesn’t give particularly good odds for my own children being content.
And I understand no one is happy all the time - happiness is fleeting - I mean more a sort of settled, calm feeling that everything is ok.

Aibu to really regret my dc - for their sake - all the misery and unhappiness that just being alive brings?

I don't think it's particularly helpful to the OP to pathologise her thoughts and feelings - it's not necessarily depression. I have feelings like this sometimes and I'm not depressed. The nation is depressed and under strain, so of course we are feeling that (our public services, government etc). The changes that have happened in the last decade have made many people reevaluate the point of bringing children into this world. There seems to be so much more risk and uncertainty for them, a lot more grind and a lot less joy. If we interpret all our normal responses to our environment as our own individual 'depression', how will we hope and fight for change on a societal level?

When I feel like this I find it helps to focus on small pleasures and on the parts of my life that make me feel safe. I switch off the news for a few days, get outside for some nature and fresh air, and remind myself that nurturing my relationships with my dc is all I can do right now, as well as trying in my own small way to make the world better. My dc are here in the world now and I still believe they will make a positive contribution to it. I encourage them to consider living overseas too and to use their votes wisely when they can. And to find their purpose in life.

You do sound depressed.

You have happy and healthy children, you have so much to be grateful for.

I think gratitude and being happy are closely linked.

I'm a single parent with a teen dd (who has her own struggles) but I feel so grateful to have my lovely dd, a nice (very small) home, I have food in the fridge, a job that I enjoy, family and friends.

I'm so sorry. Me and my friend had our babies around the same time, and she lost one of her beautiful twin boys very shortly after birth. I couldn't even begin to understand the strength she found to go on, to as you say 'love life, hope and dream'; I still can't three years later. She is my absolute hero, I would give anything to be half the person, wife and mother she is, not just surviving this terrible thing but continuing to grab life by the balls and really live, for her other children, her husband, herself. You are a hero too. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope that as the years pass, the terrible pain will ease and life never gives you anything so awful to contend with again 💐

How are the odds stacked against hi. When he has a presumably lovimg family he can live with for free?

Same . I’m a single parent and find the daily grind exhausting and joyless

Everyone I know is unhappy

Really? I think this may be a sign that you are depressed, and when people are chatting to you and perhaps letting off steam about things that are annoying them, and you're taking that to heart. That, or you're mixing with some really unhappy people, and that must be incredibly wearing.

Everyone has moans and groans... but most people are happy, overall. Genuinely.

The biggest impact on your children's happiness right now will be your own.

This is exactly how depressed people think. Many don't realise they're depressed but can only view life in a very negative way. Yes life can be difficult and painful but it can also be joyful and fun. I personally only know one person who think like you and they are depressed. Most people I know are enjoying life.
I think you should see a doctor for the sake of your children.

I agree with you Op, life is mostly kicks in the teeth and hard choices.

I think it's clear what the poster is talking about. It's well understood right now there is a clear divide between the haves and the have-nots in this generation, with housing costs so high the only realistic way to secure a mortgage in your 20s/30s is to have family help. And yes if the poster's son wants to live at home with his parents saving most of his salary for 5-15 years, he will be able to save up a deposit; but if he wants to do what his friends from better off families will be doing in their 20s (staying in halls, moving to London/another city for a graduate job, enjoying earning a salary, living in fun houseshares, partying at the weekend, travelling the world, finding a partner and moving in with them) then he will have to sacrifice the deposit, or at least postpone it for a long while. For kids from poor/normal income backgrounds without propertied relatives to bung them £20k at the appropriate moment, they will need to decide between having a life now and having a life later, and that's really sad. It's fair to say it's not impossible; but it is fair to say also that some families can insulate their kids from having to make housing security a priority at a young age, and sacrifice much of what makes a youth for that, and some cannot. And it isn't just.

@NCprivatelife so you can have a home, you just don't want to do it that way? Because that's all I'm hearing.

If you have a loving family you can stay with, you're at a significant advantage. That's not a have-not.

I agree with you OP which is the one of the reasons I chose not to have children.

You do sound depressed. We all have moments of despair, but our essential life force keeps us pressing on, in spite of the challenges that the world faces us with. When people are depressed, the spark that keeps us going is extinguished and we can only see the dark side of things - and cease to be able to take joy in the good things.

Please remember that sites like this attract comments from people who are feeling low and looking for advice and that this does not represent everyone - it is skewed towards problems.

I do think a chat with your GP would be a good idea.

I agree that things have got worse in recent years, but I would not let a 17 year old assume that he’ll never own a home. You were right to reassure him. He might not be able to afford one in certain areas though - I accept that.

My DS23 is buying with his GF. They’ve saved up 10 per cent deposit. They’ve done this by choosing uni courses that lead to relatively high paying jobs and saving like hell - both spent little on social activities and clothes. He never expected to buy on his own - as we never could have.

They can’t afford to buy near us so have moved away 20 miles to a cheaper area. Location is one thing you have to compromise on. They’re also prepared to do some on the place and avoided new builds.

DS16 is obviously aware of this so doesn’t think he’ll never be able to afford anything.

We also don’t live anywhere near London - we had the option to go there decades ago and would have earned more but staying in the North was the best decision we could have made.

Back to the point of the thread - most people I know personally are happy or at least content. Most are financially ok or better and we have upcoming weddings and babies in the wider family so lots of good news.

Although on a day like this with driving rain it’s the not easiest to feel sunny.

I felt exactly like you in my 20s. I'm now in my 50s and I can say that I am happy all the time and live my life, every minute of it.

All the investments in time, money, energy, efforts, compromises have payed off. I wouldn't change anything.

Well yes and I'm a strong believer in comparing down not up. I'm just saying all this "blink blink what do you mean?" stuff is a bit silly when it's an acknowledged problem that there is a growing social divide between those whose parents/grandparents are boomer home owners and those whose are not, due to our crazy property market. Of course a kid in the poster's son's position will have to work harder and sacrifice more than a lot of his counterparts with a totally unearned leg up and that's worrying for him. Yes I know boo hoo life isn't fair but when you're 17 you may not have the maturity to just accept that without a bit of sadness.

You may be depressed but you may also just not enjoy being a parent, people overall never express this. A friend of mine confessed this to me a number of years ago, her children are both in their twenties now. The children had some health issues so she had extra stress. She has a very lovely DH and they really were probably enough for each other. The children have been raised well and are really lovely young people. She has never had money worries or anything like that and the children were planned.

Children will always limit aspects of your life and to deny this is wrong.

or cynicism has become a self-fulfilling prophecy!

There's more to life than buying a house though and you never know what's round the corner.
Think what you have, not what you haven't.
There are loads worse off.

It's a mindset issue. I think you need to start looking for the positives.

From the outside my life might look pretty bad with complex SEN children, onerous caring responsibilities for elderly relatives, health issues and a whole lot more. But I still find many aspects of life a complete joy and consciously look for the small joys in my life every day. Despite all the difficulties life throws at you there's nearly always good things to balance it out.

I agree with Tottering, my life is quite difficult and won’t get any easier , adult offspring with learning difficulties living at home, I’m in my 60’s and it’s getting harder. But at the moment I’m sitting with a cup of tea looking out over the river and countryside, it’s quite sunny and the wind is blustery, it’s beautiful and makes me happy !

You're right

We have a reasonably spacious house that he is welcome to stay in as long as he needs to save a deposit . I've said this to him as well

Lots of people don't have that option - I didn't

So you are able to help him, that’s great! I think it’s a rather bleak and not an accurate outlook your DS has on life at the minute. It would be good to teach your DS about the property ladder and how to gain equity in each property he owns. I would be saying to him that it’ll come down to priorities and whether he wants to travel, have fun, spend a lot of his money on experiences or whether he wants to do these things on a much more scaled back level and focus on getting that first property. Once he’s got the first one (even if it’s properly shit) he just needs to watch some YouTube videos on DIY and make some basic improvements and slowly start to improve the value of the property, sell and buy a slightly better one then do the same again. Hard work but it’s completely realistic and achievable (and unfortunately a necessity for most people these days to achieve home ownership).

That was a thread specifically asking people about their troubles. It isn't representative of life as a whole. If you were to start another thread asking people about good things, then you would get a far more optimistic picture. I agree that you sound depressed: life is not 99% grind.

Not true at all.