To wish I’d never had children?

[Squashedbyarock]

When I had my dc I was in a happier, more optimistic, naive place where I knew the world wasn’t always great but I believed there was a flip side of joy.
Age and experience have now shown me differently and largely I think life is 99.9% grind and misery with 0.01% where everything is ok.
My dc are young and cheerful, I look at them and think - you’ve got no idea.
It is all just such shit all the time, if my parents had been able to ask me before having me I’d have 100% said no, knowing what I do now.
Everyone I know is unhappy (adult) - this doesn’t give particularly good odds for my own children being content.
And I understand no one is happy all the time - happiness is fleeting - I mean more a sort of settled, calm feeling that everything is ok.

Aibu to really regret my dc - for their sake - all the misery and unhappiness that just being alive brings?

No, they really aren't. I don't feel like that, neither does anyone I know. If you feel that 95% of life is bad, then that is a real problem and NOT reflective of reality.

Search the videos of Hans Rosling on youtube. The world isn't in such a bad place as the media portray it to be. There are a lot of positives. Also, not watching the news helps. It's not realistic to only broadcast the worst stuff. They are being dramatic for views and money. Of course bad stuff still happens, but on the scale of billions of peole, most are living in peace, have access to health care, have a roof over their head, have a job and (a) family.

I feel like this but I acknowledge it's because I'm depressed, and that it's mainly because my husband hates me. I don't think it's a reason not to have children. You say they're happy and cheerful - isn't that enough?

Exactly. I haven't heard of Hans Rosling, but I had come to a very similar conclusion myself.

I daren't even begin to imagine how many kids are being raised by relentlessly miserable adults who are passing off their crushing hopelessness as a dose of realism, if this thread is anything to go by. These are the real have-nots, what chance do they have?

There is a saying about the "U-bend of life"

That when you are you young and responsibility free you are happy, then in the middle of life when you are doing the difficult job of raising children you are less happy, then later in life when the children grow up you are happy again, as you can not only relax and retire but share in the joy of what they achieve too, including children of their own.

It's very natural in that middle bit to feel unhappy though, and it happens to us all, just because of how difficult it is.

Friend 1 sounds like she’s desperate for Friend 2 to have children. I wonder why.

Life has its ups and downs but generally I am very happy with my life. I have a 1 year old girl who is happy and healthy and I have lots to look forward to this year.
I agree with others that you should talk to someone if these feelings continue, as it doesn't sound normal.

I can’t relate I’m afraid, and I don’t think the majority of people I know could either. I’m not saying life is completely rosy all the time, but I love my life and enjoy most days. I consider myself to be really lucky, but then I had a crappy childhood so maybe it’s all relative. Please try talking to somebody as it does sound like you have an overly negative view point. It can’t be nice feeling like that.

It might be your reality but it certainly isn't mine. Living with this mindset seems to be a choice for you. Why are you choosing it?

Well stated. There is nothing 'realistic' about their attitude, it is just being miserable for misery's own sake. People who have that mindset really shouldn't have children.

I am the same age as you and we had it easy compared to parents of young children nowadays so I don't think you can compare your life with the OP's.

You didn't go through covid and social media was still in its infancy. There wasn't a war in Europe.

I don't think she is depressed at all, I think that she is just being realistic.

I've experienced significant loss in my life and at a young age too. I also have ongoing issues with my wider family which can make me sad at times but I still don't think life is miserable. I like my job and colleagues, I love my family. I feel very content just sitting reading a book. There's a lot of house tidying drudgery but it doesn't outweigh the positives.

I’m with the posters who sense you are suffering from depression. ‘Realism’ isn’t the level of negativity or hopelessness you describe. You may also be giving out negative/depressed vibes and have created a kind of echo chamber amongst friends which is why you feel/see it reflected back at you.

Life is definitely difficult at times for most people, for a myriad of reasons, but if you are not finding joy in any aspect of it (those happy, cheerful children; find the dog’s antics funny; feel pleasure on waking to discover it’s finally a sunny morning etc), then you are very likely depressed.

Speak to a GP and see if you can self refer for counselling.

I think you need to seek some help from this. You don't want your children to pick up on your negativity either.

But I, like I’m sure many others, did not post on that thread, because the worst things going on in my life pale into insignificance compared to other people’s experiences. It would have been crass to post in that context, so I didn’t. We don’t all lead lives of misery, that thread was likely not representative.

I agree OP. Life for me is just an unending treadmill of trying to financially survive capitalism as a disabled barren single woman with no family and no safety net. I can’t have kids but there’s no way I’d have them if I thought they’d have a life like mine.

If there were a guaranteed painless way to off myself, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

Take me with a pinch of salt though - don’t know about this u-bend theory, I was abused as a kid, my adult life has been unrelenting struggles and I can’t see how my generation is ever going to get to retire.

Still, it’s not like there’s another option but to continue with it is there?!

Agree.
Mine are too.
Happiness really is an inside job.
It doesn't happen by magic.
We've all got stuff.

You are right. And boo to the people on here who are trying to medicalize (ie dismiss) your very valid feelings. Lots of experiences are really really shit. Yes, life is a cycle of loss. If we die in old age we will have all lost more or less everything we valued. Lost our health, our husbands and parents, possibly our children, lost our fitness, our looks, variously our minds, dignity, confidence and continence. There will be hardly anything we are able to do independently as we give up driving, flying, gardening, sex.
And in 100 years time no one will remember you and only the elderly will remember your children.
So yup it is all a bit shit.
It is often possible to find some joy or peace at least in the present moment. Eg right now, all three of my remaining parents and in-laws are sick. But at this very moment I can't do anything about it. So I am putting it out of my mind and enjoying playing with the cat!

You did the right thing reassuring him.
I can remember thinking similar... yet here i am in my gorgeous house

I wouldn’t be upset if my DD chose not to have children. I did last year voice my concerns about life and the world in general. I was told that in my life I’d had to deal with financial depressions, wars etc, and yes I do agree BUT climate change and levels of poverty I think are a lot lot worse.

in my day we just did the next thing, dated, engaged, married, had kids (got divorced) etc, without too much thinking.

I do strongly agree that younger people really need to question their financial situation and whether in fifty years time the world can feed those that are having more than two children. Our fields no longer provide food, are being taken for housing. We no longer can feed our nation if it came to it. (these are my opinions).

however OP I do think you need to seek some help 💐

Those posters saying the OP is depressed rather than realistic are a) denying her stated experience of herself as not depressed and b) probably having a very different experience of 'reality'. The lack of understanding of how privilege in life - whether that's housing security, a stable marriage, good looks, etc. - affects your experience of reality is astounding. Life is NOT always what you make it.

I do think that things are significantly worse for someone in their twenties now, when looking ahead 30 years. That's the point of the OP, surely - that what was possible, even a given, 30 years ago is now very much in question?

I feel for you OP - I also have real worries for my children, both of whom are pretty despondent about their quality of life in the future.

It sounds like your dc are happy at the moment, OP. Little kids get so much joy from the smallest things - like looking at flowers and leaves. Everything is new and exciting to them. They're only little and carefree for such a short time, it seems a shame to let worries cloud your mind. Maybe try and live in the moment more?

And I very much agree with @TreesWelliesKnees - if you're not feeling worried about the future then you are very privileged indeed.

It's absolutely tone-deaf to be talking about how you managed through hard work and sacrifice to become a middle-aged financially comfortable homeowner. It's a fundamentally conservative view that doesn't match the experience of many, many people in this country and which denies the structural difficulties (ie not about their personal actions) faced by those without privilege - difficulties which existed before this crisis but have been dramatically exacerbated in the last few years.