To wish I’d never had children?

[Squashedbyarock]

When I had my dc I was in a happier, more optimistic, naive place where I knew the world wasn’t always great but I believed there was a flip side of joy.
Age and experience have now shown me differently and largely I think life is 99.9% grind and misery with 0.01% where everything is ok.
My dc are young and cheerful, I look at them and think - you’ve got no idea.
It is all just such shit all the time, if my parents had been able to ask me before having me I’d have 100% said no, knowing what I do now.
Everyone I know is unhappy (adult) - this doesn’t give particularly good odds for my own children being content.
And I understand no one is happy all the time - happiness is fleeting - I mean more a sort of settled, calm feeling that everything is ok.

Aibu to really regret my dc - for their sake - all the misery and unhappiness that just being alive brings?

I do think that things are significantly worse for someone in their twenties now, when looking ahead 30 years. That's the point of the OP, surely - that what was possible, even a given, 30 years ago is now very much in question?
In my case, things were not that different. I was a single mum,working FT in a stressful job, with no physical support, recieving no maintenance and being left with nothing to be spent on luxuries at the end of the month.

I could have opted to go on benefits than, when they were much more generous than now, and being hardly worse off. I didn't take that route and struggled on.

It paid off and so far, would now too.

I get this too, and it's something I thought about a lot before deciding to have a kid.

There's so much in life that is out of our control. We're fed the illusion that we can change things but a lot of the time we just can't, and I think a lot of unhappiness and frustration results from this. One of the things we can truly control is our outlook. Though even that is hard, since we're all 'programmed' - by society, by generations of parenting / trauma, etc, etc. But we can try.

There is also so much emphasis and importance placed on being HAPPY all the time, when life is so much more than that.

Derren Brown's book 'Happy' (or the shorter 'A little Happier') is GREAT. It takes a philosophical approach, touches a lot on stoicism. Maybe it could help to put things into perspective.

It is partially mindset though isn't it? There are people in the absolute worst situations and circumstances imaginable and they manage to retain some element of hope and positivity. There are some in relatively fortunate circumstances that can only see the negative.

If you live in the UK then it is highly likely that you are in a better position than many. I can speak from first hand experience that social and economic mobility still exists even if it is more difficult now than it was for a relatively short amount of time in the 20th century. I think the problem is that people harp back to this window of time and think this is how things 'should' be but the reality is that this time period was the exception not the rule. It doesn't mean that it is hopeless now though. It is just harder than it was previously.

Get a grip woman. Life is largely what you make it. You are lucky to be alive in a time and place where you don’t need to worry about famine, invasion, plagues etc. Life is precious, a gift. Go outside. Take your shoes off. Step on the earth. Close your eyes and take a deep breath.

Probably because the adults in his life have painted a bleak picture for him. When I was a (cheerful) child I would often pontificate on all the exciting things I would do as an adult. My mother would often rain on my parade, reminding me of the realities of the world, how we may wish for this and that but life rarely works out they way we want it to. I decided that she was a bit of a Debbie Downer and I’d ignore the gloom and just make the life I’d imagined for myself happen. And guess what? I managed to achieve most of what I wanted. Was it all roses? Absolutely not. But despite unavoidable setbacks, losses and failures, overall I’m happy with the life I have and what I’ve achieved. The worst thing a parent can do is rob their child of hopes, dreams and ambitions.

We’ve had a fair few losses (big horrible shock ones of great amazing people) and so many health issues both with us and people we know and the saddest thing happening that I can think of in the last few years and it’s hard sometimes to see the lovely amazing wonderful stuff out there.

I’m definitely not the person I was at the start of having kids and actually if you go back a few years even on this site I’m not even close to as positive as I was and I feel battered but op - 0.01? If you don’t feel like it’s something you need to go to a gp with you need to start getting out on nice days, chatting to old friends, treating yourself to little things like baths, your favourite ice cream, reading books or magazines with your feet in a hot basin. Do something with your kids, laugh at some comedy together. I’m starting back to a swimming class on Friday. It’s good to be alive, it’s difficult but it’s good. Hope things get easier op

So Walking through a crappy town makes you wish you were never born? Or ever had children? Jesus get some perspective. Or move. The world is full of beauty, you just need to be open to seeing it and seeking it out.

I think you’re much better off seeking meaning rather than happiness. And if you can’t see meaning in your children, other loved ones, in friends, in helping someone worse off than you, what exactly are you expecting from this world that it’s not giving you?

OP, I understand. I've said it myself.

Well we can see the effect it’s having on our young people and children. They are the most depressed, anxious and mentally unwell generation to have lived, despite living in a time of unprecedented material comfort and security. Such despair seems to have a spiritual cause in my opinion.

Life can be amazing. Do you think you are materialistic? I find the simple things in life are what give me joy. Teach your children this

My kids are happy kids and i'm a relatively happy parent (not at the moment because I've got Bronchitis so I'm a bit hacked off - excuse the pun!) But life isn't just doom and gloom and misery - there's some good thrown in there too. You see what you look for remember.

I don't think it's a spiritual cause driving pessimism. I'm an atheist.

But most religions do offer a protective narrative that give people a way to chalk up the inevitable inequalities of life and place them into the hands of a higher power and misfortune is conceptualized as being a challenge within a bigger plan.

This seems to be preferable to the more common modern narrative of placing all of the shit that people arrive at in life, whether that's poverty or poor health, as the culmination of a life of shitty decisions that you brought on yourself.

I read a book about optimism, particularly the research around it, and it looked into protective factors that shield some from misery. Not ruminating and being afforded the opportunity to parcel out some blame to external factors, were key. But what we have is a culture that encourages people to elevate and dwell on their emotions and, at the same time, be fully accountable for everything that goes wrong. People who are susceptible to pessimism are being absolutely pummeled. But probably not as badly as their kids.

I’m not in the UK, but reading on here I am wondering how unhealthy it is that so many people don’t feel a connection anymore.

They wfh and can’t imagine ever doing anything else anymore, they don’t open the door if the doorbell rings, avoid your neigbours, shop online, compare yourself to others on social media, avoid confrontation irl at ANY cost, don’t go outside because of shitty weather so no vitamin D really…

I don’t know. But I can understand why this leads to being rather unhappy tbh.

I’m in one of those hygge countries that some people laugh about, but we are rather content. I really like my work colleagues, work is tough but we get through it together every day. You have to enjoy the little things in life. And talk to people. Or at least open your door if someone knocks on it.

Sorry for the rant.

Oh, and teach your children to enjoy the little things in life too. Life is not supposed to be great all the time. If you expect that then you will be miserable.

I agree op. The world is definitely not as optimistic a place as it was when I married in the mid-90s. The corruption in government, poor public services, Brexit, housing, social care, public transport, the environment and the CoL crisis. Travel
seems to be getting harder not easier .

If we ever did have faith in our leaders and institutions, we have lost it now. We are more cynical and more suspicious for good reason.

D:ream was wrong! Things do not only get better I’m afraid.

I’ve lost two close friends to cancer recently. They both had brutal endings which have knocked the stuffing out of me.

I think we develop a greater awareness's as we age of all the things that can go wrong. Especially when we have access to 24/7 global news.

But doesn’t that awareness also coincide with corresponding greater wisdom and an increased appreciation of things when they go right?

I think you learn as you get older that sometimes great things can come out of discomfort and struggle so not to fear it as much?

I believe we are at the start of a technological revolution with AI and it will mean a period of uncertainty and uncomfortable adjustments. But also, think of the potential.

Also you learn that there are certain things you can control and certain things you can’t and it’s best just to focus on the former.

Studies show that 80% of what we worry about never comes to pass. I’ve learned as I’ve got older that catastrophic things mainly happen unexpectedly and out of the blue so there’s no point in worrying about them really.

Also, we live in a world dominated by commercial concerns and that includes the news and the more negative it is the more profitable; no one makes money from spreading positivity so we don’t hear it enough. But there are many good, inspirational things happening every day in every realm of interest and study that we don’t know about yet.

Also commercial imperatives are crowding out all of the things that make being human worth living like art and creativity. The natural world. Time for family relationships. And friendships . And love (not the hearts and flowers kind necessarily but the stick with you through thick and thin kind). It’s up to us voters to kick back a bit.

In the short term: maybe a gratitude journal op which sounds trite but does actually work, getting involved in volunteering if you don’t already do so, and having a complete break from social media?

Also looking at your sleep, diet and physical health? All of those ythings impact upon our resilience.

In the long term: I’m not sure but perhaps some study of philosophy or theology to try and answer the fundamental questions? Why are we here? What is our purpose? It’s interesting to explore even if we don’t arrive at concrete conclusions.

I’m at the time in my life now where my dc are leaving home and having spent twenty years acquiring stuff, I’m now decluttering it all and preparing to live more simply. I’m a bit creaky but I am excited to be able to cut all the unnecessary crap out of my life that I don’t need (not just material things) and live more intentionally without being swept along without thinking. I’m lucky to have my own home though and lucky to have close relationships. I know that’s a very privileged position to be in.

So much lack of support from people who are clearly not depressed or who have never known depression.

Life can be amazing yes, if you are lucky enough. But for oeople like me, who were abused by their parents...not so much.
It is hatd trying to heal the scars AND be happy.

I find that it is nature, not people that gives me the most joy op. A good hike by the sea nourishes the soul and is generally fairly cheap!
I stopped at one child as I don't enjoy parenting. I love dd more than anything and want to be here because of her. But only because of her.

I need to work but have been bullied in every job ive been in . Still have another 20 years left of this BS and I am not the best at the greasy pole nonsense. Need a lone working role ideally.

I know i'm depressed and am on the list for councelling. I'd seek help too op.

Gosh i sound like a right old misery don't I?!

@fatFriendsFan I agree with you. I'm actually happier when I completely narrow my horizons and focus on little, simple things. The day has flow, and structure and my expectations aren't sky high. Seeing the children happy playing or splashing in the bath, even when they've eaten a dinner I've cooked - that makes me really satisfied. I like it when they laugh at something funny on the TV. Even when I get into arguments with my (very) willful five-year old boy, it's a moment of wonder really that I've created this human being that has a sense of identify, he is a person in his own right with his own thoughts and preferences and skills and personality. I allow my kids to delight me.

Even when I get into arguments with my (very) willful five-year old boy, it's a moment of wonder really that I've created this human being that has a sense of identify, he is a person in his own right with his own thoughts and preferences and skills and personality.

Exactly this. Smiling as I read it.

I understand where you’re coming from. I feel enormous guilt sometimes that I’ve brought my kids in to this awful world. It’s gone down hill so much in a way I’d never envisioned. If I was younger now I wouldn’t have children, not because I don’t love my children but because I do.

They wfh and can’t imagine ever doing anything else anymore, they don’t open the door if the doorbell rings, avoid your neigbours, shop online, compare yourself to others on social media, avoid confrontation irl at ANY cost, don’t go outside because of shitty weather so no vitamin D really…

With the exception of the shitty weather and lack of vit d...I write as all the puddles in the garden are begining to join up and form a pond...this isn't true of the UK as a whole and is a curiously MN specific misanthropy.

Totally understand the realism. It's a scary and expensive world out there. Always has been, but with knowledge that certain world leaders are planning God knows what...often I wish for those pre-2020 days, a time that was still a bit shit, but easier than the world we're living in now. There's no going back.

She definitely is! She doesn’t hide it. We all met when we started grad schemes at the same company. I was in a different department from the other two and Friend 1 was always the most ambitious and competitive. She knew exactly the roles she wanted in 5,10,15 years but that didn’t happen as she got married then had her first quite quickly and left the company to be a SAHM. Friend 2 subsequently went on to get the roles F1 had been aiming for. F1 always says to her that she’s (f2) now the odd one out as we all started at the same starting line but we’re ahead as we have kids 🙄

This isn’t the norm for me and most of the people I know, you should speak to a doctor about this.

I get you op
just talking about this the other day with a friend, knowing what I know now I don’t think I’d have chosen to bring my kids into this shitty world and I know for sure one of them would agree.
Rental housing crisis, home ownership out of reach of most of todays teens, the shitshow known as the NHS, cost of living crisis, NHS dentists rapidly disappearing, the whole ‘transwomen are women’ changing rooms nonsense etc etc. I’m sure I could think of a load more given time.
i feel so guilty for bringing my
kids into this😢

I think realism is yes, accepting that life can be shit! But living despite that.

You can spend your life thinking of the things you don't have and the things that have gone wrong, or you can do the reverse. At the same time, sometimes things are just awful, for whatever reason, and those are the times to be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel unhappy, angry, upset, etc. Get it out of your system but then move on.

I know a few people stuck in the past and that's why they're unhappy. And/or they spend so much time worrying about their future, they can't enjoy right now. I think you have to live in the moment, to feel content.