To wish I’d never had children?

[Squashedbyarock]

When I had my dc I was in a happier, more optimistic, naive place where I knew the world wasn’t always great but I believed there was a flip side of joy.
Age and experience have now shown me differently and largely I think life is 99.9% grind and misery with 0.01% where everything is ok.
My dc are young and cheerful, I look at them and think - you’ve got no idea.
It is all just such shit all the time, if my parents had been able to ask me before having me I’d have 100% said no, knowing what I do now.
Everyone I know is unhappy (adult) - this doesn’t give particularly good odds for my own children being content.
And I understand no one is happy all the time - happiness is fleeting - I mean more a sort of settled, calm feeling that everything is ok.

Aibu to really regret my dc - for their sake - all the misery and unhappiness that just being alive brings?

It’s not necessarily verbalised. I don’t tell people how I feel about it and I don’t show it to my (now young adult) kids. I don’t ever remember a time before now when I didn’t feel optimistic about the future. I’ve always been optimistic before now.

We spend half our time in the middle east and it does highlight how little connection there is in the UK.

I also don't encounter people ruminating about the discomfort of being alive.

The ME has it's own issues, but there isn't the general malaise.

You have to actively look for the joy or else you will never find it

Whilst I agree it's bad, bad things have been happening since the beginning of time. Our society today is a lot more civilised and easy than previous civilisations. Only now we know more about the bad stuff. Stopping watching the news helps

I think you come from a perspective that life is supposed to be wonderful, and therefore, as it isn’t, you are downhearted. My perspective, especially with my children, is: life is full of obstacles, but you will overcome them. That seems to have given them resilience. If you believe as I do, that life has many, many challenges, then when these are overcome, you can find happiness, even joy. I hope you can find a new perspective that works for you.

💐

Exactly. What’s with the expectation that life should be free of problems? I don’t want life to be easy for my daughter, I want her to become strong so that she’s able to handle problems, and help others less able.

Not sure the OP is still reading this thread, but to others who feel hopeless, I commend Victor Frankl’s book “Man’s Search for Meaning”. He discovered hope and resilience as an inmate in a Nazi concentration camp.

Even things like jobs today. Kids feel they have to have a degree because companies demand them (any degree, it doesn’t matter). Then when that’s not good enough they need a Masters, all costing money I didn’t need to spend when I was their age. When I was younger not many people had a Masters, they seemed like something really special.

Practically every little casual job requires a CV (even from school kids) and an interview when I used to just walk in and ask and start the next day. Apparently now you have to be interviewed even if you’ve been working as a temp in a job. I used to temp a lot and got jobs that way, no interview required.

House costs are ridiculous, at this rate a caravan will cost you a million. Even food shrinkflation has got so ridiculous they can’t trim off anymore from a lot of products before they disappear completely.

It’s definitely the lack of optimism at the world at large and the feeling you’re being taken for an absolute fool (but are powerless to do anything - no political party actually cares about people). The world seems more like a corporation run by CEOs. I’d just like to think it will somehow get better but I’ve no idea how or when that will happen. For the record I don’t go around offloading all this onto my kids, I’m always optimistic and encouraging with them. I do actually enjoy life for the most part, I just feel the world isn’t how it’s meant to be, it’s more like a dystopian movie.

That’s a thread that inviting people to share their problems. I opened it thinking I would add mine - boyfriend wants to see me more than I can manage (he’s lovely but I’m a busy single mum) and I don’t have quite enough money (I’m fine, just would like some new clothes). Also there are a lot of ladybugs in my house. I didn’t contribute, though, because the first page was so gruelling it seemed like I’d be taking the piss.

my point is that the internet is no barometer of life

This. I'm sure women with children in the 1930's had similar thoughts when they heard trouble starting to bubble up in Europe

I’m afraid I agree that life is mostly shit. The world is so noisy and greedy and overcrowded that it’s making us all ill. We spend so much of our lives doing horrible, boring jobs, taking orders from people we dislike, worrying about our health, dealing with asshole neighbours, and so on. And we hardly ever get what we want. There have been many, many times when I’ve bitterly resented my parents for bringing me into the world. I can’t honestly say I think life is worth living, and on the whole I’d say the pain vastly outweighs the pleasure.

But… I wouldn’t say it’s only 0.1% good though. That is going too far. There are loads of small, simple joys - a bar of chocolate, the sunshine, a glass of wine, meeting a friend in a coffee shop, visiting the National Gallery, laying in a hot bath listening to Stephen Fry read P. G. Wodehouse or Sherlock Holmes, etc. As shit as life generally is, there are definitely things worth living for. I’ve never understood it when people say life is pointless or meaningless either. Every time you are kind, even to an animal, you make your existence worthwhile. Doing what you can to reduce the misery and pain in the world, that is the purpose of life.

Even things like jobs today. Kids feel they have to have a degree because companies demand them (any degree, it doesn’t matter). Then when that’s not good enough they need a Masters, all costing money I didn’t need to spend when I was their age. When I was younger not many people had a Masters, they seemed like something really special.

This is true. Seems these days you need a Masters to stand out from the crowd of first degrees applying for every job. And when I was a 20 something you could enter the civil service and some professions such as nursing and the police as a school leaver. No chance of that now.

I'm really happy!! I'm not saying that to be smug, I'm saying it in response to your "Everyone's unhappy" statement.
I'm fit and healthy (aware I might not always be), love my husband and dog, nice friends, great career and salary, live somewhere beautiful.

I'm the same. I'm really sick of the 'everyone's miserable' narrative. No, I'm not, you are! (not you, obvs, but the people who say that they aren't depressed but 'realistic') As for people who keep complaining about the state of the world, stop reading about it! There's nothing you can do about it anyway, sort your own house before worrying about everything else.

I haven't had by North American standards an "easy" life. By the majority of the worlds standards though I'd be remiss to ever complain.

I am very very fortunate just to be born in Canada alone. That is never lost on me.

I was born into care from drug addicted parents
( dad later overdosed, mom comes to me for money).

Adopted into an abusive family. I'm a childhood sexual abuse survivor. I was homeless at 17, and infertile by 27.

All I ever wanted was kids. I love kids so much. 💝

I went on to adopt my son after pregnancy losses and multiple surgeries for my endometriosis, and my God life is fucking amazing to me. I'm so much luckier than I ever imagined. Childhood me would be THRILLED with how life turned out.

Ds is 13 and he is my favourite human on the planet. I have no clue how I ever got so lucky!

When my best friend died I found this Winnie the Pooh quote

" How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. "

I've been extremely lucky in so many ways. I think centering myself around that makes life so much easier.

My ds came to me from multiple orphanages and trauma and I hope I teach him compassion for himself and others, and the power of gratitude.

He has had it harder than most kids and he's learning that he is not the bad things that happened to him. He is the good things he can put into the world.

I know this will sound trite to many on here but I really do think the opportunity to do good in the world in whatever way each of us can is invaluable. That's why life is grand. Because of the opportunity to help others.

I'm not always happy but I am always grateful and I think that benefits me more in the long run.

To all those telling her she needs to get help from her GP,: we all know there is little to no help available on the NHS, this is useless advice.

Completely agree. I'm so sick of everyone pretending like life isn't absolutely miserable. There's nothing you can really do.

What helps me is sitting back, watching the shitshow and knowing one day it will finally end naturally.

You are absolutely amazing and I doff my hat to you. You deserve every ounce of happiness that comes your way.

" How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. "

This made me cry, thinking of my dead unborn children.

Life may be 'absolutely miserable' for you, and if it is, I'm truly sorry. However, those of us for whom it is not are not 'pretending'. We just experience the world differently. I will admit that I struggle to understand the mindset of someone who truly thinks that everything sucks: is there genuinely nothing that brings you joy in life? If that it true, that really is a medical issue and can be helped with drugs, not necessarily with talking therapy. While I agree that therapy is next to non-existent on the NHS, a lot of paid therapists are also not much use, I am the last person to suggest therapy as a panacea. Healing the way you look at the world has to come from within.

Ok, but you don't know my circumstances or how I arrived at this outlook.

Thank you so much for that. 💖

I've somehow found the most extraordinary people along the way who have taught me so much grace and kindness.

I've been spoiled by great friendships and teachers. Utterly spoiled.

One of my middle school best friends died at 42 from nonsmokers lung cancer. I watched this beautiful woman leave this world and say goodbye to her husband, her 10 yo daughter, her parents, with so much love and joy and appreciation. It was beyond inspiring.

All she wanted in those quick 6 months between diagnosis and death was for everyone to know how much she loved them. She said I love you over and over again.

I've learned from some of the best and bravest. 💖

Huge hugs. 😢

I'm so sorry for your losses. I know how awful they are. It can be a very lonely grief.

Sending you so much love. xx

YOU are choosing to see the bad in everything.
You’ve said how happy your kids are.. well there you go, that’s because they aren’t thinking negatively about everything like it seems you are. Your kids are here. You can’t put them back so enjoy them, spoil them, look for the positives in every single thing… because that’s the best option.
With a parent hell bent on only seeing the worst, your poor kids will end up feeling the same!
Do something now to change just one little thing a day!! You won’t regret it.. I promise.

But to be fair we get to choose our outlook.

We get to choose what we consume in the news.

We get to choose our friends.

We get to choose how we treat people.

The happiest people I have ever met as a collective were in Ethiopia. People who had so little but understood how truly wealthy they were.
It was very humbling. Painfully so in ways.