To wish I’d never had children?

[Squashedbyarock]

When I had my dc I was in a happier, more optimistic, naive place where I knew the world wasn’t always great but I believed there was a flip side of joy.
Age and experience have now shown me differently and largely I think life is 99.9% grind and misery with 0.01% where everything is ok.
My dc are young and cheerful, I look at them and think - you’ve got no idea.
It is all just such shit all the time, if my parents had been able to ask me before having me I’d have 100% said no, knowing what I do now.
Everyone I know is unhappy (adult) - this doesn’t give particularly good odds for my own children being content.
And I understand no one is happy all the time - happiness is fleeting - I mean more a sort of settled, calm feeling that everything is ok.

Aibu to really regret my dc - for their sake - all the misery and unhappiness that just being alive brings?

I have always been a materialist. I had a childhood with plenty of issues, mum was depressed and suicidal, dad was ill and had heart attacks then died when I was 18 a week before I went to uni.

Despite this I found plenty of joy, as that is my natural mind set acceptance, living in the present. Enjoying creating things and experiencing art, music, film and books. I am not an idealist, I tend to be more accepting, non judgemental and nuanced. This is not to say I am better than anyone else I think now I am nearly 50 I know myself pretty well. I have many many flaws but they are not ones that leave me unable to see joy in the world.

My DH is different, more black and white in thinking, more idealistic and more emotional about things going wrong or injustice. I appreciate that in him but I also think it gets him down. When you have high expectations of people and the world you are disappointed frequently, that wears you down. We need people like DH but it is hard to maintain your optimism if you are an idealist.

This means I am able to do a job that deals with people at the lowest points in their lives, unable to afford food, about to be evicted, unable to heat their homes, etc. As I can be objective and look at solutions, not getting lost in the misery of their situation.

So ultimately life can be seventy shades of shit, some lives are so unbearable that it doesn't matter how sunny your disposition is you are not going to be able to overcome it. For the majority of people with less extreme life challenges, how you view the world will be impacted by your personality.

I love the kids I brought into the world, they are funny and kind and clever and will make the world a better place by existing in it. I don't care about high status jobs, money or owning bricks and mortar. Their value is intrinsic, they will have interesting, challenging, creative lives and hopefully have joy and fulfilment.

Most people who post on public forums like this one are going to be moaning about something or other. No one is going to pipe up and say, "I'm so happy and fortunate! Life is great for me and here's all the reasons why!" – because that would just annoy everyone.

But in reality, lots of people do feel happy and fortunate. You just don't hear about it, so that skews your perception and you assume everything is shit for everyone all the time. It's not true.

I was out with a couple friends recently, one doesn’t have children and is on the fence but leaning more towards not having them. I have one, Friend 1 with two was going on and on about how meaningless life is without kids, it’s so fulfilling, how it truly makes one an ‘adult’, etc. I was trying to be neutral but friend 1 really was being OTT.

She says having her children was the best thing that’s happened to her, friend 2 who’s clearly had enough responds with ‘yes but is it the best thing for them?’ I haven’t stopped thinking about it..

Adult life is a bit rubbish but being a kid is a great. I make my kids childhoods as fun as possible because I didn't have that but their dad did. He's always remembering his great childhood.

OP it's not the norm to think like you do. Life shouldn't be a cycle of loss and worry, I think you need help to get out of that mindset. Sure, sometimes we experience those feelings but it really shouldn't be the overriding feeling. I don't feel like that at all and I don't know anyone who does and that's not because I am young and care-free, I'm a mid-40s single mother.

But what about all the people who don't have something awful making their lives unhappy.

Most people post about bad stuff happening rather than good. I could start a thread saying how much I love my husband, that he is kind and thoughtful and life is just great. How many replies do you think I would get, but if I posted how awful he is, having affairs etc I would be inundated with replies.

I'm pretty sure that thread title was... what's the worst thing going on in your life? Not, what awful thing is making you unhappy?

I could tell you that the crappiest thing in my life is rubbish lungs, it does not mean that my life is crappy and unhappy.

Edit - Sorry, I linked to the wrong post...I was replying to the one you were responding to.

Squashedbyarock · Today 08:27
I don’t think it’s depression - I think it’s realism.
Look at the recent thread where everyone had something (generally awful) that was making their lives deeply unhappy.
life is a cycle of worry and loss”

That doesn’t reflect our reality at all. Nearly 60, husband 65, had our share of ups and downs but we’re happy and glad to be alive.

I’m worried about how your incredibly negative outlook will affect your children and agree that you need to seek counselling.

I don't actually agree with this. There were things I enjoyed about childhood but life is far more out of your control when you are a child. I had a very happy childhood with loving parents, but I vastly prefer adult life. It is true that I have certain natural advantages in life: I am well off, both in background and in current occupation, I am attractive, etc., but I genuinely think that happiness is available to a lot of people.

My life is great! Yes, I have times that are difficult and worrying and upsetting but I also have times that are wonderful, loving, joy filled.
It's like yin and yang- you have both for balance.

I have a wonderful husband and a long , loving marriage, fantastic adult children who bring us joy, a somewhat scruffy abd small house which is warm and comfortable and safe, nice friends . There are good books and music and food and flowers and babies and all sorts of lovely things in life.

I think you need to go to the dr because your feelings aren't normal.

But adult life you have responsibility like mortgages or work and that makes it rubbish 😂

I’m feeling the same as you but it’s not normal to feel this way. I’m suffering from ptsd and generalised anxiety disorder. I’m having therapy and have been offered anxiety medication (not taking it yet as I’m breastfeeding). I’m also looking into mini pull to help as my hormones are outrageous. You need to seek help x

Life is really hard now, OP, I do understand where you are coming from. The social divide is getting wider, life is getting harder for more people, it is really hard to get a start in life for young people who do not come from monied backgrounds.

But these things will change again, society never stays the same. And there is a lot of happiness and joy to be found in a life lived for others. Your children sound very happy, so clearly your family is a good one that finds joy in each other. I bet they are really glad that you are their mother.

You do sound very depressed, I would echo other PPs and suggest you see a GP. I have depression and it makes some very dark thoughts sound perfectly reasonable.

I think this is quite sad for you and your husband, I read it that specifically your adult life is a bit rubbish, and that of your husband if he keeps harking back to his childhood.

i like being an adult. Yes there is good and bad, ups and downs, but there is a lot of joy, particularly if you have your health, family, friends, love in your life basically , an absence of those things for me, is the hardest thing I think/

Life is a cycle of worry, loss, birth, beauty, joy, death - every human emotion and experience.

If you're only experiencing worry and loss then something needs to shift in your life, mind, or perspective.

It's not something I'd recognise as real OP. I'd say I spend most of my life happy.

I'm happy when I'm on a fun day out, I'm happy sat talking to my daughter or partner, I'm happy when I'm out visiting family or sat in the pub visiting friends. I'm happy sat in front of the TV watching something I enjoy, I'm happy doing the washing up or hoovering bopping along to my favourite tunes. Hell, I'm even happy sitting at my desk working a lot of the time these days.

Is life always fun and games? No! My mum died a few years ago and parts of that time were spectacularly shit. But even on the day she died, on the day of her funeral, even on the very worst days, I still found things to laugh about, to enjoy.

And yes, I have nights where I lie awake worrying about the bills, or work, or about my Dads health etc. And no, I'm not spending the majority of my time blissfully happy. I don't think that's maintainable for anyone. But I'm content, and satisfied, and that counts as happiness to me.

And yes, I'm in a reasonably good place in life at the mo. I'm in a job I like, making decent money, have enough money that I'm not worried about losing the roof over my head or where my next 10 meals are coming from. I'm not living somewhere with war, or famine, I'm not homeless, or addicted to drink or drugs. There are people for whom happiness must seem like a distant dream.

But to wish you never had kids because you think they'll never be happy, is not a healthy mindset. Life may be hard for you at the moment @Squashedbyarock , but that doesn't mean it'll be the same for your kids, you have absolutely no idea how their lives are going to turn out.

OP, ignore those saying you sound depressed - you just sound realistic.
What you've described is almost entirely why I didn't have them. I have a genuinely happy life while also safe in the knowledge I won't be inflicting this awful world on another human.

I completely agree, OP. I feel quite upset with myself that I've inflicted life on my children. We aren't rich so I've catapulted them into a miserable, nasty hell on earth with no safety net and no money. I walked though our town yesterday and looked at the fly tipping, discarded vapes and druggies and I honestly thought what the hell have I done?

I understand your point OP and tbh I do have periods where I think similarly when I look
at my DD and how happy and innocent she is. But I actually think life is pretty good on the whole.I dislike the monotony of work and think working from home fully has added to this but equally it's also given me huge amounts of time back with my family that I am very grateful of.

On the whole I think disallowing things outside of our control like war, natural disasters etc life is what you make it and in the UK whilst it's not perfect we have autonomy and freedom. However I am also aware that whilst I am not well off by any means I do have financial freedom, a smaller mortgage and savings etc which give more choice and options not only to me but also my children. I also haven't got any medical issues and am generally attractive and well educated with friends etc so again think I'm probably speaking from a position of privilege.

You sound very low OP.

When I look at the people I know, I rarely see anyone that looks sad. I see people enjoying themselves, laughing, planning things, enjoying the company of those around them.

Of course I know people that are sad sometimes, or struggling with health, money worries etc but in general the people around me have more good days than bad.

I have 3 DC and all I want is for them to happy, settled and loved but I don’t think they’ve got less chance of that than I had or my parents, grandparents before me.

My mortgage is paid off lol. That said, I do hear what you're saying. I still prefer adult life.

YANBU,OP.
I couldn't agree with you more.
Not depressed, realistic.
I decided not to have any kids, but you resonate with me especially with the unhappiness
of adults and,
as I say, 5% of life is ok - happy, 95% is crap
for adults.
No advice really, I just wish the suggestions about depression wouldn't be so readily given.

Well they are normal/realistic, and I never needed a doctor for the way I feel.
It's called reality and some of us dare speak it.

I really think you should speak to your GP.

Of course bad things happen, but so do wonderful things. I think most people, regardless of challenges, find enough joy in life to be happy they are here. Depression robs this feeling from you.

I feel this too, OP. It is realism. I'd never, ever have children now. What a world.