Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

[N12251234]

So I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3. We have a 3 month old baby together.

Just before we conceived our child my husband got a new female colleague. He works 12 hour shifts with her 2 out of the 4 shifts he does in a week. She is 23 and single. We are both in our early 30’s. To begin with he didn’t really like this girl, called her annoying and some other not so nice things. Then as they began to work together more they became good friends. I just want to make it clear that I don’t think he is cheating with her or anything like that.

My issue is, I think she is being a bit disrespectful and so is he. They text each other all the time, send Snapchat pictures to each other, and she calls him at least once every day. Sometime several times a day. He often has her on speaker so I know the chat is innocent. She will literally call just to tell him what she’s eaten for lunch that day. She did this all throughout my pregnancy and when I had just given birth. My partner doesn’t see the issue and just sees her as being friendly and he said it would be rude to tell her to stop as they are good friends.

I just feel like a young single female shouldn’t be messaging and calling a married man who has just had a baby all the time. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to tell her to back off a little.

Precisely - if she's really 'simple minded' (not) then she shouldn't be in a job where she could be coping with a life or death situation - and he's bloody irresponsible not to have flagged this up to his superiors. He's really treating the OP like a mug if he thinks she will believe this crap - and to be frank it doesn't say a lot about his own mental processes, either! He probably lacks the guts to be honest with his own wife about what's going on, but to behave this way when there's a small child in the equation is just appalling, he couldn't care less.

What I find staggering is that this bloke is in such a responsible public-facing job and yet he behaves like a Grade A arsehole.

He's prepared to break up your family for an 'innocent friendship'? I think that tells you it isn't innocent one iota!
Oh and I wonder if she knows that he openly calls her 'simple'. She can't be that thick if she's a paramedic!
I'm really sorry OP

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been here (OW is 15 years younger than me). They were just friends, then best friends, then ok she has a crush on me but I'm not going to do anything about it (or back off at all). He constantly prioritised her over me, she also used to tell him all about her dates/sex life. We then split because I'm an awful unreasonable person who is impossible to live with (despite having lived in harmony for 16 years before she came along).

I genuinely couldn't believe it he hated his dad for cheating and leaving his mum, he loved me and we had built a life and had businesses together. Once he got entangled with her I didn't recognise him. We had a period of working on our marriage but in the end I made him choose and he chose her. He was still insisting at this point that there was nothing in it but then moved her in to the house the day I moved out!

They are still together two years on but he did admit in a weak moment that he made a big mistake and hates himself for what he did to me. It's so hard as we genuinely love each other and I still miss him everyday but he took what we had and shit all over it and there's no coming back from that.

I wish you every strength.

I am so sorry. It is unthinkable he would put a supposedly platonic friendship with a "simple" work colleague ahead of his wife and child. He has to look after her but you and the baby can just fend for yourself? Then when you made a very reasonable request he ran off home to mummy and daddy.

I hope you have a job and a decently earning career to go back to as well as supportive parents because I don't think you can ever rely on him again. After his behaviour, I just couldn't ever contemplate taking him back knowing what he is really like.

If you have a joint account remove your share of the money into a separate account - he sounds nasty enough to drain the account.

Well it looks like he’s tried every single tactic on the gaslighters bingo card and failed, so he’s gone back to mummy’s to sulk. I’m so sorry you had the “but you didn’t pay meeeeee enough attention one” that happened to me and it sucks. I’m hoping that MIL is going to tear him a new one and demand to know wtf he is playing at! I’m reallly sorry this is happening to you OP, I’d be getting legal advice asap 💐

He really is a dud. I’m sure his colleague will be flattered by his description of her as ‘simple.’ What a prince.

So sorry, OP 💐

He is proving just how enmeshed and addicted he is to their intimate dynamic, be it KISA/Damsel or the cliche ‘adoring her adoration.’

He is a shit husband and father. He’s been giving less and creating emotional distance between you to make space for OW during your pregnancy through to the present. That distance is blatantly evident in his current behavior, in which he diminishes and disregards all you have and are giving to him and your child. It’s how he justifies his inappropriate choices.

I feel angry on your behalf, @N12251234. You’ve been clear about your reasonable boundary, and he’s had time to turn this around and put you and his new baby first. He hasn’t, and instead has attempted to do a total snow job on you so he could continue his cake eating.

I wouldn’t stay in this limbo for much longer. I would make an exit plan, end things, and leave them to it.

Is there rules in relationships between crews? I would go to their boss and let it be known and also file for cms. That might make him think.

If you have contacts at his place of work let them know.

@N12251234, have you had any more conversations with your MIL?

Don't know for sure, but I would think there would be workplace rules in place to cover anything like this.

OP's got other things to worry about I know, but if I were her I'd be very tempted to let his bosses know, although from the sound of him, he'll simply deny it, the woman will deny it also, and he'll say his wife is paranoid and the relationship is breaking up because of it. He sounds very adept at side-stepping/ignoring the truth when it suits him.

And perhaps at the same time mention that OP's partner has described his co-worker as 'a bit simple'! Just the quality you need for a paramedic. But he'll deny that too, of course.

Yeah I’ve messaged her a couple of times. She started off really supportive but now I’m thinking she’s only being super friendly with me because she wants to see her grandchild. She says she’s spoken to him and she’s expressed that she thinks what he’s doing is wrong. But he’s her son and she’s ultimately supporting him. She told him he can stay with her as long as he needs and she doesn’t seem fussed that he’s not asking about his son and has only visited him a couple of times for a few hours since being gone. He’s doesn’t even seem bothered about being away from me. I think this is it and I’m looking into divorce as my trust and respect for him has completely gone. I think I’m going to get some legal advice as we have a mortgage and financially he’s the breadwinner.

OP, if something is making you uncomfortable, you are well within your rights in the relationship to tell him to stop.

Its very strange behaviour to constantly text anyone, never mind a work colleague of the opposite sex.

I have friends at work and we occasionally text (maybe once every few weeks or if theres an imminent work event) but thats generally it.

His reaction to this strongly suggests that this is an emotional affair whether he admits it or not even if there id no suggestion of a physical affair.

All it would take it is one after work drinks event for example, for things to escalate.

You did the right thing. Dont be with someone that cant show you basic respect.

The age difference as well is strange. She is 23. I have colleagues of the same age and I am 31 and view them as essentially "kids" and wouldnt generally socialise with them etc as would seen weird. Its a huge red flag that he is entertaining this.

Dont be surprised now he's been kicked out if he starts something with this girl. It'll not last though, and he will come crawling back. Dont let him back in.

He said that she needs his support because she is a bit simple minded

She wouldn't have qualified as a paramedic if she was 'a bit simple minded' ffs

Imagine doing this - leaving your wife and child because you don’t want to put boundaries in place with a colleague.

OP has never demanded no contact, nor that he change jobs or cuts contact entirely. Just that he reverts to a professional relationship.

You are better off without him @N12251234 he cannot be trusted.

Totally agree with you OP : you need to get legal advice. His appalling behaviour has left you no other option other than divorce. There is no way you could ever trust him again.
This should have been a happy time for you as a family with your wee baby. He has totally wrecked that by prioritising this other female.
Sending you best wishes.

Could it be that he has been a total chicken-shit about imposing adult, professional boundaries with his colleague?

She is very young, so possibly she is naive and doesn't realise that her behaviour is totally out of line and highly disrespectful to his wife.

If this were me - before binning-off the marriage, I would certainly speak to the colleague and ask her what she's playing at - inviting herself into your family time and being utterly ignorant of professional boundaries.

She no doubt knows that you are now "separated" (in her eyes) and he will probably have told her that you have thrown him out. (poor me, poor me)

All marriages hit rocky points. You've gone through the massive life change of bringing a child into your lives.

Your DH sounds like he's terrified of facing up to his responsibilities, which includes putting his family first.

Do you want to fight for your family unit?

They are both paramedics who will have to face and manage difficult life and death situations every day.

If he can’t just phase out responding to texts with the excuse that he has a 4 month old baby, that is a choice.

I don't think it's the OP who is binning off her marriage. It is her DH who is doing that by making clear his colleague is more important to him than his wife and child.

Why should OP have to fight for her marriage when it should be clear to him where his priorities should lie?

The OP should not be “fighting” for her family unit! It is her DH who should be fighting to win back her love, trust and bin off his colleague for good. He needs to damn well pull up his big boy pants, apologise and do what he should have been doing all along, which is prioritise her and his child before she files for divorce.

He’s not doing that, he’s probably being “consoled” by his colleague (oh poor me my wife has thrown me out!) and he’s the centre of attention again which is why he’s paid his child no attention. He doesn’t need to go running back as his needs are now being met, however self centred and selfish they are!

Ive done the “pick me” dance and when I look back on it, it was humiliating. I wish I’d just walked away at the first opportunity. The OP has a chance to do this as she’s got it right from the start. @N12251234 I applaud your strength…you’ve got this.

@N12251234 I think you are doing very well here. Please do seek legal advice and see about filing for divorce and making the finances work for you. It is likely to come as a shock to him, but that's his own fault.

Remember that if you do change your mind you can halt proceedings, but frankly it seems like your marriage is dead in the water thanks to your DHs indifference to both you and his child, and therefore you might as well get the ball rolling. There is no real benefit to you sitting in limbo. Start with a decent solicitor.

As far as MIL goes, I would take a step back. Naturally she is 'on his side' when it comes down to it, so I would be civil and polite with her, but she would need to do all the running if she wanted to come see the baby. I would stick to very bland topics if I had to spend time with her, and refuse to discuss her son at all. There is nothing to be gained from that. I would stop messaging her at all unless it was a request/query about baby and then I would be very brief and simply respond to any questions.

OP already fought for her family, he fucked up. They are BOTH parents, OP does not get to walk away because she may feel overwhelmed.
Why would OP want to talk to the female in question- she is an adult (she is 23 not 13 ffs) and knows exactly what she is doing.
There are rough times in marriages and then there are pathethic men who dont want a responsibility and experience an even more pathetic mid life crisis. He's not worth fighting for.

@N12251234

How are you doing?

Has he come to his senses yet or come clean?

I’m okay, just trying to get through each day as it comes. He’s still living at his parents and has barely been to visit his child. I have thought about caving a few times I’m not going to lie, as looking after my little one on my own is hard. He’s not a great sleeper so I think that’s just the sleep deprivation talking! But I know I have to be strong and stick
to my guns. I deserve to be respected. He’s made it clear he’s chosen this friendship over his family so I’ve started looking into divorce. I do know from his parents that he’s also been to stay over at her house a couple of times too since he’s been gone. He claims it’s because he needed a break from his dad (they don’t get along great) and she offered him a place to stay as a “friend”. She does still live with her mum and brother but still I feel like he’s taking the ultimate piss now! I just want to be done with him! Even if there isn’t anything romantic between them he’s more than crossed a line!

She does still live with her mum and brother

I suspect the novelty of this arrangement will wear off for all.