Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

[N12251234]

So I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3. We have a 3 month old baby together.

Just before we conceived our child my husband got a new female colleague. He works 12 hour shifts with her 2 out of the 4 shifts he does in a week. She is 23 and single. We are both in our early 30’s. To begin with he didn’t really like this girl, called her annoying and some other not so nice things. Then as they began to work together more they became good friends. I just want to make it clear that I don’t think he is cheating with her or anything like that.

My issue is, I think she is being a bit disrespectful and so is he. They text each other all the time, send Snapchat pictures to each other, and she calls him at least once every day. Sometime several times a day. He often has her on speaker so I know the chat is innocent. She will literally call just to tell him what she’s eaten for lunch that day. She did this all throughout my pregnancy and when I had just given birth. My partner doesn’t see the issue and just sees her as being friendly and he said it would be rude to tell her to stop as they are good friends.

I just feel like a young single female shouldn’t be messaging and calling a married man who has just had a baby all the time. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to tell her to back off a little.

Well he didn’t come. Me and Mil had a good chat and she has tried to talk to him but he is shutting her out. I explained the situation and she is 100% behind me and wants us to work this out. He did message me though and he says he wants to come back home tomorrow and have a calm discussion about it. I agreed and will hear him out but I am not backing down.

but he is shutting her out

Strange if he doesn’t think he is in the wrong.

Well, @N12251234, I’m sure you realize that he will attempt to convince you to relent, using such manipulation as:
It’s an innocent friendship which is no threat.
You’re being unreasonable.
She needs my support because …
I need her friendship because …
You’ve been distracted/moody/less affectionate lately [expecting you to do the pick-me dance].

It’s a very bad sign that he has been blanking you and the baby since he left. In my view, he’s been punishing you to make you panic and back off. Where is his respect, cherishment, and priority of your feelings? He clearly gains much validation by pleasing and investing in this woman.

I wouldn’t be giving him the opportunity to manipulate, and wouldn’t accept anything less than an acknowledgment of boundary crossing and a shift mate change or job change.

Likely he is thinking/going to say: "Ok you've made your point, can we be adults about this now?" I hope I'm wrong.

@N12251234, did you have the conversation?

He’s working up to having an affair. I wouldn’t be happy with this very intrusive relationship going on under my nose. He’s taking you for a mug

I literally cannot believe the situation that we are in. I've known him for 13 years, been together for 10. We hardly ever fight, and we were in such a good place relationship wise until she came along. Now it's like he's completely lost his mind and is destroying everything we've built together for this one "innocent" friendship. We had our conversation and you nailed what he was going to say.

He did say "It’s an innocent friendship which is no threat to us, he apparently sees her like a little sister".
He still thinks I’m being unreasonable.
He said that she needs his support because she is a bit simple minded, and he needs to look out for her. She also suffers with anxiety so he's just being there for her. Apparnatly I woudn't understand, eventhough I too suffer with anxiety, as I don't do the job that they do.

And the icing on the cake was that I’ve been less affectionate lately to him and I don't make as much effort/ have as much time for him. (I explained that all my attention at the minute is focused on recovering from a rough pregnancy and birth. That we have an almost 4-month-old who is a rubbish sleeper and I am doing all the night feeds so I'm exhausted). But that all went over his head.

I've asked him to leave again and told him I seriously need to think about our relationship and whether we can continue being in it. He left without a fight and is not backing down so I seriously think this might be it. I don't even know this man anymore, he's certainly not the man I married. I just hate that this is breaking up our family.

I knew paramedic or police from your first post, they have weird friendships that very easily cross over in my experience..

No advice just sending lots of love to you and baby

He said that she needs his support because she is a bit simple minded,

Fucking hell. And she's working as a paramedic? Let's hope she doesn't have to cope with anything difficult, or life threatening, eh? Oh wait...

He said that she needs his support because she is a bit simple minded, and he needs to look out for her. She also suffers with anxiety so he's just being there for her. Apparnatly I woudn't understand, eventhough I too suffer with anxiety, as I don't do the job that they do.
And the icing on the cake was that I’ve been less affectionate lately to him and I don't make as much effort/ have as much time for him. (I explained that all my attention at the minute is focused on recovering from a rough pregnancy and birth. That we have an almost 4-month-old who is a rubbish sleeper and I am doing all the night feeds so I'm exhausted). But that all went over his head.
I'm so sorry you've had that response.

Whether he is looking for an affair or not, he is enjoying playing the white knight and prince charming to her because it gives him an ego boost and he's enjoying the attention.

Unfortunately there's lots of threads on here where some men become quite childish when a baby arrives because they're no longer able to demand their wife/partner focuses 100% on them.

Please don't get sucked into doing the pick me dance over a man who is feeling hard done to that his wife is looking after a baby.

I just hate that this is breaking up our family.

HE is breaking up your family. He is cheating on you, gaslighting you, lying to you, and willing to leave you and your baby over her. It really is absolutely shocking that anyone is capable of being this cold and selfish.

Tell his mother immediately that he is staying at her's for good.

Has she recently pushed a small human being out of her nether regions?

Has she not had a full night’s sleep for weeks?

He is unbelievable.

Oh, @N12251234, you must be reeling. The gaslighting garbage he is spouting is a mockery of your intelligence. What a faithless, self-serving piece of work he is.

He is obviously deep in his affair fog, and hugely gratified by it, as he is ready to trash his marriage and family rather than give up OW. His allegiance and primary relationship are now with her, hence his lack of empathy and devaluation of you and the baby.

He over-egged it with his ‘she’s a bit simple minded’ spiel.

@N12251234, you would be wise to consult with a solicitor to learn your legal and financial options.

Does he think you were born yesterday?

She's a bit simple? She's a paramedic, she can't be that simple!!

Well done for you asserting your boundary. The worst part is that he's not bothered about his child!

He is a total fucking joke. My god.

They really do all have a script don’t they?

If he’s not shagging her, or trying to, I’ll eat my shoes.

He’s put her above you and his newborn. Total cunt.

Well, if she is that simple, some of us are doomed if she's a paramedic in our area! And if these two always travel together, then some of us are doubly doomed if we ever need an ambulance.

Simple, my arse - OP should tell him HE'S the one that's simple if he thinks for one minute she believes his story. Has he been brainwashed? Joined a cult? Been near the drugs cabinet on one of the wards? Could he really not come up with anything better than this?

He said that she needs his support because she is a bit simple minded, and he needs to look out for her.

If he is genuinely concerned that she can’t do her job he needs to take that up with his line manager, not cover for her.

Why that would involve getting daily reports on her lunch is anyone’s guess.

He's not in the force is he?

I'm sorry it's so shit when you've got a little baby too x

What a self serving piece of shit he is. Boo hoo, girl at work needs all his attention. Because she's too delicate for a front line job? Yet his wife and tiny baby don't deserve respect? Fuck him. Not literally, obviously. I'm so sorry.

I genuinely do not understand how he doesn't find her very tedious and annoying?!! If somebody I worked with kept telling me what they had just had for their tea, I would internally sigh every time I saw them. I can just about feign interest in what my kids had for school dinners. How fucking boring.

It sounds like a bit of hero worshiping on her part, as she is new to the job and he is an old hand. At 23 she doesn't even know what she doesn't know. It sounds like a school girl crush and she sees him as a teacher (and dead old).

Sorry he is being an epic twat, OP, but I don't think he is having an affair. I think he is doubling down as he knows he is being a total bellend, and a foolish old man.

He really thinks you're stupid, OP. Whether he's had sex with her yet or not is almost beside the point, because either way he's willing to risk his marriage and his child's happy home to be her "friend." He has broken trust with you by putting her welfare ahead of yours. Another immature twat of a man who can't handle adult relationships. Sorry, OP.

The fact he isn't bothered about seeing his child speaks volumes

Wow. He's already reading off the script....it's your fault, you've been neglecting him blah di blah. What a dick. Sorry OP - that response tells you all you need to know

The fact he isn't desperate to see his child since leaving says it all. What a pathetic excuse for a father. Any decent dad would be desperate to see, hold and cuddle their child after a day away let alone more. Disgusting. I'm so sorry OP.