Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

[N12251234]

So I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3. We have a 3 month old baby together.

Just before we conceived our child my husband got a new female colleague. He works 12 hour shifts with her 2 out of the 4 shifts he does in a week. She is 23 and single. We are both in our early 30’s. To begin with he didn’t really like this girl, called her annoying and some other not so nice things. Then as they began to work together more they became good friends. I just want to make it clear that I don’t think he is cheating with her or anything like that.

My issue is, I think she is being a bit disrespectful and so is he. They text each other all the time, send Snapchat pictures to each other, and she calls him at least once every day. Sometime several times a day. He often has her on speaker so I know the chat is innocent. She will literally call just to tell him what she’s eaten for lunch that day. She did this all throughout my pregnancy and when I had just given birth. My partner doesn’t see the issue and just sees her as being friendly and he said it would be rude to tell her to stop as they are good friends.

I just feel like a young single female shouldn’t be messaging and calling a married man who has just had a baby all the time. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to tell her to back off a little.

Snapchat disappearing messages.

OP I mean this with all the respect in the world. But take your head out the sand.

asked if he could just get a new crew mate but he says it’s not that easy to do that.

In any workplace that I have worked, if anyone disclosed that they were being bombarded by unwelcome text messages from a colleague, the matter would be dealt with very fast indeed.

The problem he would have with following that route is that her defence would be that he did not do anything g to discourage her.

For example, anyone wanting to report a stalker are always warned to get definitive evidence that they have shut down any conversation and clearly, unambiguously asked the person to stop the type of contact you are describing between your husband and his colleague.

This is what makes it "not so easy" and why anyone reading this would put the 'blame' squarely with him. All he has to do is say 'this isn't right, please stop' and mean it and it can all get sorted immediately.

The real question is why hasn't he already done exactly that ?

I assumed for some reason they were calling each other during the days as they both WFH. The fact they are paramedics so spending their days together and then calling just for chats somehow makes this worse. Agree with PPs- Snapchat has disappearing messages which is why people like it.

This would be annoying even if it was a male colleague. It's taking up a lot of his time. He needs to wind it down a bit. When I saw the title of the thread I thought it was your colleague messaging her husband instead of working.

They clearly have plenty of time to chat all day anyway so why all the extra effort. I’m sorry this does sound like she is very into him whether it’s reciprocated or not.

I'd be tempted to say loudly 'Is that your stalker again darling?' next time she's on speakerphone! Seriously, he's maintaining a friendship with a much younger woman, would he be ok if it was you constantly calling and texting a much younger male colleague? 🤔

It’s too much, it’s too intimate - they are too close and it’s too intense.

He needs to pull right back and stop making an absolute twat of himself. I have no doubt she thinks she could snap her fingers and take him from you through her personal allure - but the trouble is, as cringeworthy as it may seem, he is probably getting drawn in.

Talk to him. Tell him it’s making you really uncomfortable and it’s embarrassing and disloyal.

So its ok upsetting you, his wife with his new baby but not ok to upset some silly annoying girl at work?
Give him the ultimatum that this must stop right fucking now !
Id be livid with this OP

So its ok upsetting you, his wife with his new baby but not ok to upset some silly annoying girl at work?

THIS!

He really really needs to ask himself whose feelings he cares about more, because you're absolutely not being unreasonable.

Calling and messaging on and off all day is a level of contact that is only appropriate for partners and the very closest of friends (and only for people who are extreme extroverts... I absolutely do not do this even with my best friends). Calling to say what she had for lunch is weirdly over-intimate. He's a colleague, he does not in any way need that kind of information about her life.

She's been unprofessional and inappropriate, and yeah, that might be because she's young and naive and needy, but your husband needs to set her straight, stat, instead of expecting you to put up with this ridiculous situation.

@N12251234 if he's not cheating yet, he soon will be

@N12251234, this is an emotional affair and a devaluation of your marriage.

Your H is clearly lapping up OW’s attention. He is enjoying the constant contact and the mutual validation, intimacy and reliance that they are developing. His prioritizing her over your feelings and boundaries speaks volumes, and doing so during your pregnancy/birth and afterwards is disgusting.

His putting OW on speaker does not mean that this is a safe friendship. For one thing, it’s a way for him to get an ego buzz by triangulating his 2 adoring, competing women. It’s also a way for them to hide in plain sight while building layers of familiarity. Meanwhile, a lot of coziness can occur in person and in disappearing Snapchat messages.

I absolutely would not tolerate this utter disrespect and disregard. If my H refused to shut this down and change partners or jobs, he’d find himself single. If your H continues to balk and downplay, I would show him the door so he understands exactly what he stands to lose.

If he's confused about how to step back without being "rude", here's a step-by-step.

First, he stops picking up her calls at least half the time. If she questions why he's not answering, he simply says, "I was with my wife/with my son."

Next, he pulls back on the text messaging. Exchange messages, sure, but not more than once every couple of days. Even best friends and family members don't need to message or call each other daily. Just stretch out the time between when he receives a message and when he replies.

If her expectation is that a married man will text her every day, multiple times a day, in order to maintain their friendship, that's 100 percent an issue with her expectation, and she needs to reset her expectation before she causes issues in another marriage.

And if she brings up "Why aren't you texting me as much?" he can simply say, "To be honest, our level of contact was starting to bother my wife, and when I thought about it, I could see why, so I've just pulled back a bit. It's not that I'm upset with you, and it's not because there's anything inappropriate being said or done, as of course there is nothing more than friendship here, but I think she was right that it was a bit too much contact with a woman who's not my wife. I'm sure that as a woman, you can also understand!"

If that's too 'real' for him, he can just say, "I've been real busy with family stuff lately, sorry! My baby boy is starting to become real active, so my wife and I have had our hands full."

The important thing is that he establishes you and him as the priority unit in her eyes, rather than him and her. And if he refuses to do that, that's something you will need to think about very seriously.

I'd have a conversation and say it makes you uncomfortable. Ask him if he would be ok with you having this level of chat with a male friend.

He needs to put in boundaries and just not respond to texts or answer calls outside work hours. I'd be concerned if he can't see how inappropriate this is. I know for a fact DH wouldn't do this as he respects our privacy and wouldn't want a 23 yr old bloke contacting me every day at home. It's very disrespectful. She's only doing it because she can. It's up to your DH to put a stop to it. If he won't that would be a major Red Flag.

You're unhappy and uncomfortable about it. You have told him this you also have a baby. He already spends 2x12 hour shifts together at work.
It needs to stop.
Regardless of if its an affair or not, its unacceptable and you need to tell him to stop or reduce the contact.
Assuming hes told her your set up etc .... or maybe she doesnt know and has been told a different story.
Maybe when shes on speaker phone next you could say something so she hears???

He needs to cop on and realize that this is not appropriate calling and texting, snapchat all the time. Is he her boss. They are developing a bond that should not be happening. Get yourself a young man that you know and start the same craic and see how he likes it.
That would piss me right off especially if was pregnant and just had a child as hormones all over the place. He should know he should not be acting like this and am sure he will say to her am not allowed to be in so much contact and blame you. Makes me angry to be honest and she is no saint as knows he is married with children. She sounds so needy but he is also enjoying the attention. This is how affairs begin so tell him to quit his crap now as out of order.

CheekyHobson,
I think your step by step solution is absolutely perfect. And it puts the onus back on the husband, where it needs to be.
Nailed it.

He needs to set a boundary that you are both comfortable with and she needs to get a life and friends of her own!

I’m pretty easy going and have been accused of being a ‘cool wife’ on here, but I think he is completely taking the piss. At best he loves the attention, at worst he fancies her. It is very easy to not get into these kind of relationships with work colleagues and he could easily distance himself if he actually wanted to. It is incredibly disrespectful to you as he is prioritising her feelings over yours.

Police?

I can understand that it must be a really stressful job, and perhaps she is lonely, but he has a 3 month old baby and a wife who only recently gave birth. There is no reason for her to expect him to be available all the time - except that he has given her the impression that he is.

He is encouraging her, men are amazingly good at ignoring things they don't want to do or hear but he chooses to continue chatting with her. I know it's easier to blame her than admit your partner and relationship aren't great. If he doesn't change after you raise it with him then that's your answer.
Peak cheating time btw is when life is stressful and a pregnancy and newborn are very stressful life events. Oh and finding her annoying is either to throw you off the scent or sexual tension.

Keep your wits about you OP - Having done 25 years in the ambulance service, my experience is that there are a huge amount of affairs that happen due to working so closely and in extraordinarily emotional jobs. Most start like this, messaging regularly as its difficult to talk to someone outside the service about the kind of things that you see - Lots of people in the ambo service end up with someone also from the service due to this and also the hours/shifts that are required. Affairs are RIFE in the ambulance service - Similar to police and fire!!

To begin with he didn’t really like this girl, called her annoying and some other not so nice things.

Sorry OP but that’s a pretty classic sign that he fancied her from the off.

I’m afraid it’s bordering on affair territory and certainly coming across as an emotional affair - she messages him constantly because he’s given her the green light to do so and is reciprocating.
it’s a clear disrespect of your relationship , they are creating familiarity with their messages and this leads to intimacy .
it needs to stop now