Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

[N12251234]

So I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3. We have a 3 month old baby together.

Just before we conceived our child my husband got a new female colleague. He works 12 hour shifts with her 2 out of the 4 shifts he does in a week. She is 23 and single. We are both in our early 30’s. To begin with he didn’t really like this girl, called her annoying and some other not so nice things. Then as they began to work together more they became good friends. I just want to make it clear that I don’t think he is cheating with her or anything like that.

My issue is, I think she is being a bit disrespectful and so is he. They text each other all the time, send Snapchat pictures to each other, and she calls him at least once every day. Sometime several times a day. He often has her on speaker so I know the chat is innocent. She will literally call just to tell him what she’s eaten for lunch that day. She did this all throughout my pregnancy and when I had just given birth. My partner doesn’t see the issue and just sees her as being friendly and he said it would be rude to tell her to stop as they are good friends.

I just feel like a young single female shouldn’t be messaging and calling a married man who has just had a baby all the time. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to tell her to back off a little.

Even if he thinks you are ‘hormonal’, he should obviously be prioritising your feelings over possibly being a bit ‘rude’ to a colleague who is clearly crossing a boundary in a way that makes you unhappy.

From what you say the snap chatting would be annoying even if he was just talking to his mum or sister.

My ex was 'friends' with a woman on his team within nhs like this... they're now married 🙃

They do seem quite close even if just friends, but then again i suspose we have to trust each other

He's a married father in his 30s, she's a single woman of 23 who doesn't even know you. Why expect her to protect your marriage, show you respect and not cross your boundaries when your husband can't be bothered to? If I were you I'd stop thinking about what she should and shouldn't do and focus on your husband who does owe you the things you expect from this woman. It will be a very anxious marriage if you have to be always on the look out for young women getting too friendly with your husband so you can see them off. You need to address this at source, because if your husband respected your boundaries no other woman would be able to cross them.

He is now gaslighing you and trying to make you more insecure and think you are half crazy. Have his bags packed. Even if you were over reacting which you are not a loving husband/partner would want to put your feelings first and he is just selfish. Please talk to your family/friends as you need support as too much to be worrying about and with your new baby. Him getting defensive is also a shit show. He just sounds horrible and you deserve so much better. Both crossing boundaries and work boundaries also and even if this was a male ringing, texting all the time is far too much. Take care of yourself xx

even if this was a male ringing, texting all the time is far too much.

Yes - if he was constantly having little chats with Dave from football (who had never met you) it would also be very rude and not prioritising his relationship with his wife.

His reaction is the biggest red flag. I confronted my DP when I was paranoid about a friendship he had with someone new at work. We both work at the same place but I was on mat leave and I was definitely insecure and hormonal. He was visibly upset that I'd been having those thoughts. His immediate response was to reassure me and let me know that me and the baby were his number one priority and he'd never jeopardise his family. When I returned to work after maternity leave, I met her and could see instantly that although they got on well but it was purely on a professional level and have never had reason to question it since.

This is brilliant advice!

No - just no :(

It kind of is another relationship? They speak every day, they are way closer than friends. Even if nothing sexual has happened.

Tell him to stop- end of. He needs to tell her to stop as it’s inappropriate. If he chooses not to and chooses their odd friendship over your relationship then you know what to do .

im sorry to be blunt but it’s not ok 😢

This is at least an emotional affair.

Your husband knows it . She knows it

Time to call bullshit on this.

Be the bigger bitch and don't make it worth his while to put her feelings before his family.

I hope it never was a physical affair. Have a plan B just in case as if it happens once it will happen again.

I’ve just read this. I think you’ve done 100% the correct thing. Unfortunately- if he is gas lighting and choosing her over you, you know the answer. What a strange thing he has done? I’m sorry you’re hurting- and you’ve done so well confronting him .

OP everyone will judge him hard for walking out on his partner and tiny baby over this. He will be judged as a useless, feckless dickhead. And he’ll deserve it. His reputation will be in fucking tatters. What a pathetic prick.

I’m so sorry, OP. What a weak loser he is.

I very much doubt that the 23 year old wants to be lumbered with a sadsack in his 30s who has betrayed his wife and newborn child in such a cowardly way tbh.

She calls him multiple times a day - why does he pick up??!

She sends snap chats and texts - why is he responding??

This isn’t on her, it’s all your husband.

I'm so sorry, you know for a fact now that this relationship is not innocent. It must be awful to be 3 months post partum and dealing with this. Only an awful man would do this to the mother of his newborn child.

You are doing so well, stay strong!!!

The important thing is that he establishes you and him as the priority unit in her eyes, rather than him and her. And if he refuses to do that, that's something you will need to think about very seriously.

Absolutely.

The girl knows exactly what she's doing.
Everyone knows how vulnerable a woman is postpartum and how relationships can even get fragile and the woman isn't often up to being sexual either.
This girl is probably hoping OP is not being sexy and a proper wife because she's occupied by baby and thinks she can snoop in on the husband .

I have male friends and there is no way I would act like this, even when I was single.

And the husband isn't innocent either. If he's not cheating, he's surely on the way there.

Tell him it's completely inappropriate and if he wants to continue being married he will put it straight to her. If he says that's controlling or leaves. You have your answer.

As a mother of young adults, I’d be dismayed if my son acted like this and I’d be mortified if my 23yo daughter got emotionally entangled with an attached man with a baby. Embarrassing. What a pair of scumbags.

Oh my, I'm sorry. I didn't read the thread.

Well done for kicking him out.

You deserve so much better. It's easier being a single mother with a newborn than being with a cheating loser of a husband

This happened with me too.
He completely understood and calmed me down and straight away started replying less... it wasn't as bad as this thread but I could see straight through the colleague.

She eventually messaged less after he stopped replying but the last message where he put her straight was

"oh sorry to bother you so late, my car has stopped working and really need a lift home from this party I'm drunk xxxx would you give me a lift?"

He replied "Sorry can't help, I think it's crossing boundaries as you are a work colleague, I can call a taxi for you if you can't manage that"

She replied "k no worries"

She never text again and left the company.

I hope you're ok OP and can speak to people irl too. His defensiveness is not a good sign but it could be nothing has actually happened and this is a wake up call. If not then he just doesn't deserve you.

This sums it up.
Friends is one thing, fair enough but it gets to a point where its just inappropriate and your husband should have enough respect for you to enforce that.

@N12251234

I have lots of male and female friends as does DH. In 19 years neither of us has text or called anyone multiple times on a daily basis. You don’t text and call someone everyday multiple times especially when you work with them and can have those conversations then.

These long ‘innocent’ conversations are the ‘getting to know you’ stage of a new relationship and you are right to be suspicious and react as you are.

Well done for standing firm.

The unreasonable one is your husband who is communicating regularly with a young and single female, despite you sharing concerns.

I'd set clear boundaries!

I’d just be careful of thinking that going on speakerphone proves he’s absolutely not being innappropiate as it may cause you to excuse things which aren’t ok. You need to consider that they may have a code for him putting her on speaker so she knows not to say anything. My friend’s ex husband had a code where he’d send a totally unrelated emoji to OW instead of kisses.