Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

283 replies

N12251234 · 08/04/2024 22:05

So I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3. We have a 3 month old baby together.

Just before we conceived our child my husband got a new female colleague. He works 12 hour shifts with her 2 out of the 4 shifts he does in a week. She is 23 and single. We are both in our early 30’s. To begin with he didn’t really like this girl, called her annoying and some other not so nice things. Then as they began to work together more they became good friends. I just want to make it clear that I don’t think he is cheating with her or anything like that.

My issue is, I think she is being a bit disrespectful and so is he. They text each other all the time, send Snapchat pictures to each other, and she calls him at least once every day. Sometime several times a day. He often has her on speaker so I know the chat is innocent. She will literally call just to tell him what she’s eaten for lunch that day. She did this all throughout my pregnancy and when I had just given birth. My partner doesn’t see the issue and just sees her as being friendly and he said it would be rude to tell her to stop as they are good friends.

I just feel like a young single female shouldn’t be messaging and calling a married man who has just had a baby all the time. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to tell her to back off a little.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 09/04/2024 10:50

She's only behaving this way because someone, your DH, has given her the green light and shown her he is open to it.

He knows it bothers you but is prioritising the ego boost he gets from this friendship.

Like another poster, I'm in favour of opposite sex friendships, but your DH's behaviour here is taking the mick.

21ZIGGY · 09/04/2024 10:50

Zyq · 09/04/2024 08:34

They don't work in an office.

Show quote history

I didnt say they did. I said it was LIKE the chat they WOULD HAVE in an office

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 09/04/2024 11:09

21ZIGGY · 09/04/2024 10:50

I didnt say they did. I said it was LIKE the chat they WOULD HAVE in an office

Show quote history

You also said they might be working from home, so you clearly missed the part where OP said they're paramedics.

Merrymouse · 09/04/2024 11:18

Not the OP’s responsibility but I think the colleague needs a bit of life advice. If she wants out of work friendship she needs to invest in people closer to her own age and with similar responsibilities, and if she wants an affair with a man with a 3 month old baby she needs a therapist.

The OP’s DH is not doing her any favours.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 09/04/2024 11:19

I have a colleague I quite often speak to for no real reason aside from a bit of a bitch about work/comparing notes on some of the nonsense, I'm acutely aware of what it might look like to his wife but I don't think he really is aware of that. From my perspective it's completely innocent but in my experience it's very easy for men to get a bit flattered by attention that's not really there

Well if you know how it'll be making his wife feel and you think he's flattered by your attention, why carry on doing it? It might be innocent from your perspective but doing it knowing its probably upsetting his wife is just bitchy behaviour

IncompleteSenten · 09/04/2024 11:22

boonr · 08/04/2024 22:11

That is really weird. I would say definitely cheating if it wasn't for him putting her on speakerphone.

I don't ring my own partner every day, let alone someone from work.

Really odd.

I'd call that hiding in plain sight.

21ZIGGY · 09/04/2024 11:46

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 09/04/2024 11:19

I have a colleague I quite often speak to for no real reason aside from a bit of a bitch about work/comparing notes on some of the nonsense, I'm acutely aware of what it might look like to his wife but I don't think he really is aware of that. From my perspective it's completely innocent but in my experience it's very easy for men to get a bit flattered by attention that's not really there

Well if you know how it'll be making his wife feel and you think he's flattered by your attention, why carry on doing it? It might be innocent from your perspective but doing it knowing its probably upsetting his wife is just bitchy behaviour

No it isnt. Stop dramatising stuff. Men and women can be friends.

Cas112 · 09/04/2024 12:03

I didn't even need to read your whole post before realising I would be losing my S* over this

Ringing him to tell him what she's had for lunch???? wth

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 09/04/2024 12:13

21ZIGGY · 09/04/2024 11:46

No it isnt. Stop dramatising stuff. Men and women can be friends.

Show quote history

How is it dramatising to quote exactly what the poster said? She said she's acutely aware of how it must look to the wife which obviously means she knows it'll be upsetting the wife. Yes men and women can be friends but the way the poster wrote she's doing it for a little ego boost knowing he'll be 'flattered by attention'

Hatty65 · 09/04/2024 12:24

This is fairly simply resolved, unless he is determined not to - in which case I would want to know why.

He simply tells her, 'Please don't text or call when I'm not at work. I work long hours, and my downtime needs to be spent with my wife and new baby. I'm really busy at home, and don't want to chat when I could be with my family, as I'm sure you understand. Thanks'.

If he's not prepared to text that message to her, then he's prioritising her feelings over yours quite honestly. She's intruding into your family life and it would piss me off.

terfinthewild · 09/04/2024 12:25

I would let him read this thread and all the responses and then ask him if he has been cheating with this woman. If he says no and you believe him then tell him you don't want him speaking to this women outside of work anymore- she is a threat to your marriage. And if he is too pussy to tell her then you will call her yourself and tell her. If it was the other way around I'm sure he would find that perfectly reasonable.

MeridianB · 09/04/2024 12:27

@MsDogLady is spot on. He’s doing it all in plain sight to mislead you into thinking there is nothing to hide. But his behaviour is appalling and he needs to stop it all now.

So sorry this is happening, OP. You and your tiny one deserve so much better. 🌺

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 09/04/2024 12:30

OP, just tell him to stop picking up. There's no reason for these calls and mates or not, he needs to respect that when he's home that's time for his family not for mates/work colleagues.

I bet that he doesn't get these inane calls from male colleagues?

LolaSmiles · 09/04/2024 12:36

No it isnt. Stop dramatising stuff. Men and women can be friends.
Of course men and women can be friends.

I'm very cynical of any woman who takes the view that they know the contact they have might look bad to someone's spouse, continue doing it, and it's so easy for men to take their innocent contact as something more.

It gives an image of the not like the other girls women who are slightly over friendly with male friends/colleagues, are bit of a cool girl, push the envelope a bit whilst being able to say they never actually crossed a line and then wide eyed claim "goodness me, I never fancied Mike. I was just being friendly. He's totally reading into things that aren't there. Gosh how awkward that Mike might have thought I fancied him / Mike's wife seems to think it looks bad but little old me was just being nice".

Many women spot that sort of behaviour a mile off.

Namechangenumber23 · 09/04/2024 12:43

@parababe is spot on.

This is pretty much how my BIL marriage broke up. Same profession and the senior colleague faced a disciplinary due to the fact the junior colleague was a trainee and at no point was any of the change in the nature of their involvement disclosed (full blown affair in this case but minimised as work stuff, new friends when it was just him she was messaging, so called extra shifts or turning an 8 hr into a 12 hr shift, meetings or work nights out that were just them hooking up in the end).

This is an extreme example of course, this is not acceptable in any way, not the level of contact or the minimising of your concerns and completely reasonable dislike of the situation.

Also, don't fall for the perceived openess of their contact in front of you, it's just another form of mentionitis and a way to say "see, it's all above board!"when it's anything but.

Peachy2005 · 09/04/2024 14:06

Absolutely it’s not on and he needs to put in some boundaries.

Can’t you interrupt when they’re on speaker e.g. Sorry to interrupt darling but could you hold the baby while i pop to the loo? Or that kind of thing. She might be less keen on so many conversations if she knows you’re there and hearing them all.

littlebitstuck2024 · 09/04/2024 14:29

What do you do when she's on speakerphone? Do you join in the conversation? I would! If you do it everytime then she'll probably get the message and stop the phone calls. She'll keep up the texts though.

But you're still left dealing with your cheating scumbag of a husband.

Their relationship is far too intense. They spend more time together than you spend with him. Plus they're doing emotionally challenging work so there's a deeper bond between them. You can't compete with her, not that you should have to. I'd bet my last tenner she's conventionally attractive. Would he be engaging with her like this if she had a face like a bag of spanners?

If he's not willing to change his crew mate then it sounds like your marriage is pretty much over. Right now, he's having an emotional affair in front of your face. You're realistically waiting for them to make it physical, if they haven't already.

LoudThunder · 09/04/2024 14:37

I'd bet my last tenner she's conventionally attractive. Would he be engaging with her like this if she had a face like a bag of spanners?

Exactly.

It’s never 50 year old Doreen who men happily have this kind of interaction with is it?

I bet he wouldn’t be answering the phone this frequently to a male colleague who wanted to chat to him about what he’d had for dinner either…

It’s always the young and attractive women.

Mummame2222 · 09/04/2024 14:39

FinallyHere · 08/04/2024 22:17

This. Sorry

Why blame her, rather than him

Show quote history

It’s a bit of a cop out. It’s both of them that are being thoughtless and disrespectful.

MLC13 · 09/04/2024 14:42

I wouldn't like this at all

Cruiser123 · 09/04/2024 14:48

For a man it's extremely flattering to have a "friendship" with a younger woman in her 20s. It's an extreme ego boost.

Original poster
N12251234 · 09/04/2024 18:40

Well I’ve confronted him today and even showed him some of the posts in this thread. He got very defensive and it’s ended in a big argument. He is still adamant he’s not doing anything wrong and I’m over reacting. He even went as far as to say my “hormones” post birth are making me blow this out of proportion. That was the final straw for me and I’ve told him to pack his bag and leave. I just can’t believe that he’s prioritising this friendship over me. Now I am doubting that this relationship is innocent. 😔

OP posts:
fashionqueen1183 · 09/04/2024 18:49

I’m sorry this has happened and I’d be worried about that too. It sounds like he’s now gaslighting you.

Emptyheadlock · 09/04/2024 18:56

Oh c'mon op.

This isn't innocent.

We can all see it.

Freeme31 · 09/04/2024 18:58

Oh I'm sorry to hear this but you are correct his friendship (what ever) is upsetting you he knows this and still refuses to treat her any different so he'd rather see you upset/sad/gaslit than not have her in his life that alone speaks volumes. Maybe asking for time apart will make him see sense - its an easy choice you or her (he shouldn't even have to think about it). Im so sorry- but none of this is on you its all on him. Sending a hug.