Female colleague calling and texting partner all the time

[N12251234]

So I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 3. We have a 3 month old baby together.

Just before we conceived our child my husband got a new female colleague. He works 12 hour shifts with her 2 out of the 4 shifts he does in a week. She is 23 and single. We are both in our early 30’s. To begin with he didn’t really like this girl, called her annoying and some other not so nice things. Then as they began to work together more they became good friends. I just want to make it clear that I don’t think he is cheating with her or anything like that.

My issue is, I think she is being a bit disrespectful and so is he. They text each other all the time, send Snapchat pictures to each other, and she calls him at least once every day. Sometime several times a day. He often has her on speaker so I know the chat is innocent. She will literally call just to tell him what she’s eaten for lunch that day. She did this all throughout my pregnancy and when I had just given birth. My partner doesn’t see the issue and just sees her as being friendly and he said it would be rude to tell her to stop as they are good friends.

I just feel like a young single female shouldn’t be messaging and calling a married man who has just had a baby all the time. Am I being unreasonable to ask him to tell her to back off a little.

It’s really sad that he’s done this too when you have a small baby which should be such an exciting and lovely time.
has he left now?

I really don't think a single 24 year old woman is doing this maliciously or targeting OP's husband because she's post partum. What would she know about pregnancy unless she's had children? Why would she care?

It might be an ego boost, might be a crush, maybe she does want a shag and is out to ruin op

...or they might really just be friends and she's not aware of how she's coming across (and that whilst this may be a normal level of contact for friends her age, it's not for a 30s married new father).

23, not even 24.

I just can’t believe that he’s prioritising this friendship over me. Now I’m doubting that this relationship is innocent. 😔

Their relationship isn’t innocent, @N12251234. This is emotional infidelity and his defensiveness is part of the Script.

The intensity, over-frequent contact, his determination to invest regardless of your discomfort, and his defensiveness and blame shifting today — all tell me that he is emotionally enmeshed with OW and reliant on the feelings engendered by their relationship.

Read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass for her explanation of windows and walls in relationships. She discusses how marriages/partnerships are threatened when one partner weakens his boundaries and shifts his emotional energy and attention to a third party and away from the primary partner. Your H opened a window to OW and has built an inappropriate emotional connection that he is fighting to keep.

You were wise to send him away, @N12251234. His refusal to respect your boundaries and his manipulative attempt to shut you down by blaming your hormones are typical responses of self-serving, wayward spouses. Stay strong and stand your ground.

@Maddie212

I had a good friendship with a older man at work, well I say older he's my age now (30 nearly 31) and I was 18 new to the office. I would send banter on bloody bbm however I wouldn't have kept an ongoing rapport with him throughout the day when we wasn't at work. I never met his wife but I sent my well wishes when she was in Labour and even gave a congrats card. I know how innocent it can be. And despite how much I had a "aha must send this joke to James from work" I wouldn't have out of consideration.

That's mature of you at 18, admittedly.

I still wouldn't expect this girl is malicious though, there's not enough to go off of. Not ruling out their might be a competitive element.

Now if she was similar age and life stage, I may well agree she's just being a twat on purpose

So sorry to hear that he reacted that way. I think you’re right, it looks even more obvious now. Being defensive like that is usually a sign a person has something to hide.

I hope as a 23 year old paramedic she does have some idea of what women go through postpartum…

Personally I think OP’s husband holds majority of the blame but this colleague does know she’s overstepping.

It’s very odd to be constantly texting a colleague out of work if they have a 3 month old baby.

I haven’t been a paramedic and mobile phones were bricks when I was 23, but I did work with 30 year olds with young children/new babies, and socially they were on another planet.

And you’d have to be incredibly dim to believe the ‘my wife just doesn’t understand me’ lines if she only gave birth 3 months ago.

None if this excuses his behaviour though.

I thought you’d say they were either paramedics or coppers, these crew mate relationships can be very intense, trauma bonded even, and the lines between friendship and emotional affair can be very blurry so I don’t blame you at all for being suspicious!

Why would a paramedic have an idea of what women go through in the months following birth?

At most they are called out to a woman who’s given birth at home, or has gone into labour somewhere undesirable and they put the woman in the ambulance and take them to hospital. How does that equate to them being expected to know what a woman goes through during their post-partum period? Especially when it comes to the changes it causes in a woman’s emotions and relationship dynamics?

I was a paediatric nurse for 10 years before I had my first baby and I had no idea what life was like for a woman or family after the arrival of a baby until I had my own.

During my training or career I didn’t have any training about life post-partum, despite working with families of young infants, so I don’t see why a paramedic would?

I’d understand your comment if the woman in question was a Heath Visitor or Midwife, but to expect a paramedic to understand post-partum life purely based on their job title, is a bit of a stretch.

OP, you told him to pack his bags and go - did he?

It wouldn't be at all unusual if he refused and you're now feeling like you're in stalemate.

I agree you can’t understand the ins and outs of postpartum life unless you’ve been through it yourself and agree they wouldn’t have specific training in postpartum life but I also think it’s a stretch to say she would have no idea.

I’d say paramedics are exposed to a huge variety of people from all walks of life so I stand by my original comment that she should have some idea of what it’s like. Or at the very least… some empathy.

I hope as a 23 year old paramedic she does have some idea of what women go through postpartum…

Yeah, I also hope she has GCSE biology.

What I highly doubt is that she's rubbing her hands going 'aha! Op is now feeling unattractive and has a reduced libido. This is my chance!'

Basic (and medical) knowledge of pregnancy/babies has s no hearing on actually experiencing it in a relationship firsthand. Doubt she knows or is thinking about that.

This starts and ends with the DH. The fact that he's prepared to leave his wife, home and baby his the problem/worry

I very much doubt that the 23 year old wants to be lumbered with a sadsack in his 30s who has betrayed his wife and newborn child in such a cowardly way tbh
Same here.
He's been very stupid making this "friendship" a hill to die on. I'd be a little concerned that when he leaves, he uses it as an opportunity to take things further because "we weren't together/you kicked me out" and then he comes grovelling back.

(Assuming no coercive control) The only correct response to an innocent friendship becoming an issue in a marriage is to acknowledge what the issues might be, keep open communication with your spouse, and deliberately and consciously draw new boundaries. A good friend would understand and support their friend prioritising their marriage.

I think I'd tell him that he can either offend me (you) by carrying on like this, or offend her. by cooling it. Which option is he going to go for? Make it a choice between offending you or her, and see what he picks.

It's never hairy Mike from Accounts, is it?

Fair enough they wouldn’t truly understand how a woman is feeling postpartum.

I just don’t buy the story that this adult female (sure only 23 but still an adult), who works with the general public on a daily basis, has no understanding that OP is in a vulnerable situation postpartum with a young baby. Of course she knows and understands this- she just doesn’t care.

I think those peddling the ‘oh she can’t possibly understand as she’s only 23 and never been through it’ aren’t giving her enough credit. She simply cares only for herself. Sure in 10 years time when she is a mother she may reflect on this situation and understand better but she is certainly not blameless IMO.

That said, OP’s husband is seriously rubbish and I’d place majority of blame for this with him.

It’s not just the post partum period - they have known each other for the entire pregnancy. You’d have to be very weird to pick a man like that as your ‘work best friend who you text all the time even though he mysteriously doesn’t introduce you to his family’. However there are lots of very weird people.

@N12251234, how are things going today?

Well he’s at his parents house and staying there for a few days so we can have some space apart. I haven’t spoken to him since the argument. When I told him to leave I did tell him that if he wants to see his baby or get updates on him, he is welcome to message me and I will update. And if he wants to come over and see him I will just step out into the other room so we can still have space apart. So far he hasn’t messaged once or seen his child. I just don’t know where to go from here.

@N12251234 you are so strong for doing this. Well done for sticking to it. Such a horrible time for you. Hope you have support.

Well done for doing this. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this OP, but his actions following the conversation speak volumes

Well done and stay strong, you are doing so well and showing him you will not be walked over. Has his family contacted you no doubt he has fed them a bunch of lies. Hope you have support there with your own family. Sending you hugs and wishing you well and just know that you do deserve better.

@N12251234 do his parents know what the argument is about? And that he has not asked to see/ get updates about the baby?