To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

Yes, there's a lot of smug victim blaming going on here, many posters doubtlessly secure in their knowledge that they're too intelligent to ever fall for an Alan.

Emotional manipulation is no respecter of IQ nor of moral standing. Neither is domestic violence. If it was easy to spot a wrong 'un from five paces then we wouldn't have 2 women a week killed by an intimate partner in the UK, and any women who did die this way would only have themselves to blame for 'not leaving sooner'.

In reality, we do and they don't.

I don’t agree with you actually. Some people don’t see the red flags until too late. Hindsight is a wonderful gift and it is so much easier to see it other people then yourself.

Ah, I stand corrected. Still no mean feat, though!

More red flags here than a communist rally

Most do see the red flags and they deliberately choose to ignore them.

Saying otherwise is just enabling.

Hindsight isn't needed if most of these women would just say ok I see these red flags that I always see mentioned, I'm acknowledging them, does this man seem like a good choice or does he seem like a massive risk?

Your sister is bringing multiple men into her daughters' lives.
It's not just Alan who is a problem.

@DrCoconut no I don't write for them, I do love a TAB for train journeys and so on though and their style is very easy to mimic! (Completely off topic, I loved parents evening when DC was in Y3 as they'd been doing fronted adverbials so the wall was covered in creative writing about zombies, Minecraft monsters, talking cats and so on, but written in a TAB style 😁)

I think you're right, Alan would have moved on and be telling the world he's with a new bird now.

Do you practise matrimonial law as this is not what the Law Society info page says and also not what the gov.uk legal aid page says

https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/public/for-public-visitors/common-legal-issues/getting-a-divorce#:~:text=Many%20solicitors%20charge%20a%20flat,of%20domestic%20abuse%20or%20violence.

OK to start with he is a builder which means he will come across lots of temptation and opportunity (think desperate housewives). I don't think Alan is the type who can resist either (based on track record).

Sounds like your sister has fallen for his obvious charms, not to mention his hard hat, rigour boots and capable hands!
Yes you are 💯 right to be wary but your sister will not thank you for pointing any of this out. I think all you can do for now is hope for the best but prepare for the worst. There are way too many red flags for me but your sister has chosen to ignore them, let's hope she is proved right in doing so. In my opinion, unfortunately, all you can do is wait and see how it plays out.

Can you Facebook stalk her 👀 .

No. Only if he set up a limited company

Quite possibly!

OP, your sister is behaving like an idiot and is irresponsible, but she is currently "responsible" for her own kids, unless an authority such as Social Services or the Courts declare otherwise. He sounds a total user and could be a bullshitter too, with his stories about himself, but who knows if his stories are true, is there any way they can be checked? I'd guess not. One thing seems likely - he'll probably take off if something better presents itself (bet your sister isn't the only one he's eyeing up with a view to the main chance).

All you can do is to make plain your concerns and keep an eye on the situation so that the authorities can be tipped off if necessary - better a complaint to Social Services than the kids suffer. Some women will accept anything in trousers without questioning anything and even if they have children in the home the alarm bells don't ring or are ignored.

There have been a number of misstatements on this thread about the availability/non availability of legal aid for divorce.

it is available to pay for mediation - as per @RazzberryGem 's experience.

it is also available if you're as risk of homelessness.

Free legal advice may also be available in some form or another via a law centre, employer's legal assistance scheme or your train union.

Getting free legal advice from a so,icitor doesn't necessarily compute to domestic violence,

’My eyes widened as the two line came up on the pregnancy test. We’d only been together two months and this hadn’t been planned. I felt so nervous telling Alan but I needn't have worried. He looked shocked for a second but then his face broke into a huge grin “I’m going to be a dad? That’s amazing!” he cried.

He treated me like a princess during my pregnancy, making me cups of tea, stroking my blooming bump and coming home with cute snuggle suits.

He was there by my side as I pushed Cordingley-Blue into the world, and couldn’t have done enough at first, helping with the night feeds and nappy changes.

However when Cordingley-Blue was around four months old I noticed a change…’

Always trust your gut.

@kierenthecommunity 👏A+

lol. Enjoy that deck and get rid of the man.

the addiction mixed with the moving in, mixed with the many baby mammas… three strikes bro.

Yes, red flags. Don't blame your sister, do what you can to make sure she is not a victim.

Your dsis doesn't want to admit she has fucked up.
Again.
She is almost willing him to be The One..
Have you Googled his ex? She may have something that connects the dots..

Lot of people missing the fact that women dont just simply 'ignore red flags'. Abusers know that sometimes women see red flags but they continue to lovebomb them to brainwash them and gaslight them into doubting their own judgement if they raise concerns. That is the abuse.

As soon as you said that he describes his ex as "crazy" with mental health issues I got the measure of Alan. He's a cunt. 3 kids to 3 women and little to no contact with those children = massive🚩.

I've seen his kind many a time before. He'll show his true colours soon enough and then be on to the next woman. He'll tell her that your sister was a psycho or some such pish. Manipulators are usually charming or charismatic/likeable to start with. That's how they start the manipulation. The fact your sister has brought him into her childrens' lives so soon is pretty concerning.

I'd be speaking to the police under Clare's Law (DVDS). Get him checked out to protect your nieces.

I finished with one like that nearly 2 months ago. The first month not a red flag in sight and then the emotional manipulation started slowly but surely.

By this point I was already thinking how much I liked him and just wanted to be around him. 2 1/2 months in, he violently assaulted me. I actually didn't realise what had happened. It's so weird being in that situation. They're awful people until they're not and then it's back to Mr Perfect. It's completely confusing being with someone abusive. I don't think you can underestimate men or women who end up with them. The most important thing is appreciating that it can happen to anyone. Being smug isn't helpful.

I disagree with you.there are red flags all over this .And it's not judgemental to have concerns for family. My niece got involved with someone very very similar and was besotted. We all tried to point out the red flags but she ignored them .As she had children we just told her to use clares law to check and said we would back off if all OK. It was not .she then found out she was already pregnant and it ended up with her nearly losing her children , restraining orders etc etc.And guess what his exes were not nutters at all . What a surprise. So you may say I was judgemental but I was trying to help and would do it again ..