To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

No it’s not 🤔

You said the OP’s sister has to put the application in. I pointed out that’s not correct…because it’s not as the information I shared shows.

I didn’t want other people to read your post & think they couldn’t apply if they were in a similar situation.

Someone could hire a massive ad campaign, billboard, tv commercials, and write a note and stick it on the fridge and some people will never listen

You can only be there for when it falls apart, for some people that will be a revolving door of relationships

You can put in an application as a third party. Type in clares law and your local police force and google will take you to the right place. You dont need to lnow evetything about Alan. If you have tje reg of his car he's found.

When it comes through, you will have a chat at the local station where they will tell you the relevant information and provide advice. They will also recommend that your sis puts in an application.

They won’t tell the OP the info, they’ll contact her sister and ask if she wants to know the information

It's always the ex's that are mad...never the chap who has many mad ex's

I think you definitely need to concerned about your nieces. Your sister is allowing someone she barely knows live with them and from what you've mentioned he doesn't sound much of a prize.

No.one falls in love faster than a homeless man.

Few red flags, I'd guess bounces woman to woman, few of them also got pregnant on the way.

That is telling you all you need to know .

Yes, very likely that'll be the next "surprise".

😂

You say he moved in quite quickly. Where was he living before? What about his furniture and his tenancy agreement? Was he sofa surfing? If he moved
in with your sister with little more than a suitor clothes it is very suspect.
All you can do is be here for your sister. Don’t say anything to rock the boat or this could drive a wedge between you. Last thing you want.

It's literature! 😂

Bloody hell those poor girls, your sister is not thinking of her children at all, her needs and wants take priority over her daughters welfare it seems.

This 100%. Yet you hear and read of it all the time.

My sister was in a relationship with an Alan recently. They sound remarkably similar except our Alan wasn’t married and didn’t have 3 kids

i think you should do some due diligence on him. Google his name, address and anything else. Google his exes, social media. Check bankruptcy reg, companies house?

Claires law request?

Dont push your sister away: keep her/him close

gently mention and point out some of the red flags.

hopefully he will show his true colours and the blinkers will lift/ especially once the excitement of a new relationship wears off

its Sad for the kid

Alan has really fallen on his feet hasn't he? They say that no-one falls in love quite so quickly as a man who needs somewhere to live.

And your sister is an irresponsible idiot.

Deffo a pedo.

I am 100% right when I say this specific circumstance would never happen to me, or any parent who prioritises their children above their sex life. Any woman who moves a man (and especially a man with 3 children by 3 women who only split up with the last one 5 minutes ago) into their children's home within weeks of knowing him absolutely should feel guilty when it inevitably goes wrong. Guilt is healthy when it encourages a person to reflect and not repeat past mistakes. Unfortunately unfit parents like this rarely possess this level of self awareness and so they go on and on, repeating the same behaviours again and again. Like Alan. Like OP's sister. And always it's the children who suffer.

As for only knowing one side of the story, that's how MN works. The whole thing could be made up for all we know. I'm taking the OP at face value.

He sounds like a bona fide nightmare. This is just the stuff you know about. I would assume he is real trouble, possibly criminal.

A lot of things you’ve mentioned about ‘Alan’ remind me of my best friends now-ex boyfriend, who is now inside on 4 charges of violence towards her, including strangulation 😔

Seemed nice, lots of fun to be around - but would always monopolise every conversation and make it about himself. Difficult family situation that he blamed a lot of bad behaviour on. She supported him financially. None of those things seemed to that bad in the big scheme of things, but I always just had an uneasy feeling about him.

I’m sorry, I don’t want to worry you induly by saying that, but listen to your instincts - keep in close contact with your sister and make sure she always has an opportunity to open up to you.

suggest to your sister she does a Claire’s law application. You don’t need to say you don’t like Alan but just suggest it may be a good way to go to be on the safe side. I don’t think you can do it on her behalf but I may be wrong.

@Fargo79

Totally agree

Btw, don't be surprised if you fall out with your sister a lot more due to Alan. He will be checking out who supports him and who doesn't. Obviously pegged your mum as key early on.

The cheap patio is a technique called 'loan sharking'. Alan thinks he bought your Mums allegiance with it, and your Mum might actually think she is in his debt. I'd ask her about it.

Why has sister allowed a man she has known for 5 minutes move into her house WITH 3 girls? Far too early to take such a massive risk. She is putting her “relationship “ before the girls. Sad.

Unfortunately you wouldn’t get a Clare’s law because your not in a relationship with him.