To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

I bet Alan gambled away all the money and his ex qualifies for legal aid as she's been left with debts.
He's textbook - early childhood trauma/adversity, addiction, impulsive etc etc. This will not end well. He will have chosen your sister as she was easy to manipulate with poor boundaries (allowing him into her home where she has children within a month).

Yes the only way to get legal aid in this context is if she's had police involved for domestic abuse (I've been there, I had to get a police disclosure to show that police had been involved for his abuse)

Unfortunately it would have to be OP's sister who put the application in.

OP this man is bad news! Really bad news

My worry here is that you keep saying the girls would go to you or their dad if they needed to talk, but by that point it might be too late. Also abusers are very manipulative and make out it is the victim's fault so they do stay quiet. That's why so many cases only come to light years later.

Also get your mum to do that course for victims of abuse, it's not just about romantic relationships, as can clearly be seen now. He is love bombing you all - he's doing the patio for free/cheap so he has something to hold over your mum

No you're missing the fact that these red flags are often apparent right from the first date and women ignore them then.

You can't be lovebombed, brainwashed or gaslighted unless you keep seeing them after they've told you about the crazy exes and all the kids they're not allowed to see (on the first date).

No, you can request it OBO of someone else. However there is the concern when the police contact the sister she may decline to listen to any disclosure 😞

Tbh I think the best thing you can do is to stop all the hand-wringing and fretting. You have absolutely no power or influence in this situation and you're going to make yourself ill with worry.

Your sister is a selfish, reckless woman and frankly a terrible mother. To be moving random men into her young daughters' home is beyond belief and she is prioritising her sex life over their safety and wellbeing. Alan is almost certainly a domestic abuser of some description and he's also a deadbeat father. I don't think umm-ing and ah-ing over whether the above is true, or to what extent, is at all helpful. They are adults and unfortunately they can make the decisions for these poor kids without your involvement or permission.

All you can do is make sure that you remain a close and trusted figure for your nieces and that they know your door is always open. Make a Clare's Law and/or Sarah's Law application if you want to, but don't be certain that your sister would act on any information obtained. She sounds like one of those desperate women who would overlook anything if it means they can keep a man.

I wouldn't allow myself to be charmed by "Alan" or to be sucked into a close relationship with him. Keep a healthy distance so that the girls know you are separate and are a safe haven, not yet another adult embroiled in his web.

This is so judgemental of you. You should count yourself lucky you never fell for an abuser rather than say bad things about a woman who may have been manipulated, conned into believing this man is the one for her. Never say you would not fall for it, you are just lucky

I read your post and it immediately set off alarm bells. He reminds of someone I know who also had a troubled childhood and a string of ex-lovers. He was/is immensely charming and likeable…at first. But I very quickly began to mistrust him. I also have an uncle like this. Some men learn early on that the best way to get what they want is to be charming, and they become very good at it. Both my uncle and this other man are the same - charming but completely untrustworthy and without any moral compass.

This isn't correct - you can do it on behalf of a relative you're worried about

You can also ask on behalf of a close friend or relative, who you think might be at risk from their current or former partner. However, you may not necessarily receive any disclosure depending on who you are. The police may decide it is more appropriate to share with your loved one directly, or with someone who is more able to protect their safety.

https://clares-law.com/what-is-clares-law/#:~:text=You%20can%20make%20a%20DVDS,a%20close%20friend%20or%20relative.

I agree with all above - walking red flag.

Posters are taking issue with the fact that Alan moved into sister's house "only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away"

Sister's sex life is more important than her children.

I wouldn't allow myself to be charmed by "Alan" or to be sucked into a close relationship with him. Keep a healthy distance so that the girls know you are separate and are a safe haven, not yet another adult embroiled in his web.

Oh my god, what judgemental bollocks. I'm very astute, a qualified professional, and I never saw it coming. The woman he ruined before me? Partner of a law firm.

You aren't clever. You're lucky. Until you encounter an individual like this, you are completely unprepared as you can't comprehend people this horrendous exist. It's not that you make excuses for the big strong man because you're a dippy clueless little woman who gets "sucked in" to things FFS. It's that you can't comprehend someone could be that vile and calculating, so it simply can't be that they are vile and calculating, because in your normal, decent mind no human could possibly be this awful. So, on the rationale that no one can possibly be this horrendous, you try and make sense of the behaviour.

Blimey. I read the first couple of lines and it looks like you've got a bit carried away there.

I am talking about OP. I am saying that, in OP's position as someone who is not in a relationship with Alan and who can clearly see the red flags he's waving, I would keep a distance from him and not be sucked into a happy families dynamic with him.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn I don't think that poster is saying she'd never 'allow herself to fall for an Alan'. She's telling the OP not to fall for his 'charm' the way the sister and mother have.

I can confidently say I would never move a man into my child's home after a few weeks of knowing him when he's fresh out of his latest marriage. That's not luck and she is a shit parent.

Absolutely I accept that lots of other women end up in coercive or abusive relationships through no fault of their own.

I do apologise, you are right, you're talking from OP's point of view.

Sorry, as you can see, I know where this is going, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

We all know when you are in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship, you want to spend more time with them, they stay over a few times, this turns into they are there and they don’t leave to go home. I’m not saying it’s right, but you can fall into a trap of living with someone, especially if you are used to living with an ex. Op’s sister has possibly (I don’t know for sure) been manipulated. None of us know for sure, but what we do know is that the op is worried and doesn’t need her sister being bashed online

I hope you are right that you would never allow yourself to be in that position, because guess what, it suck’s! And then when it’s all gone wrong as a parent you lay more guilt on yourself than any judgmental stranger online ever will. You only know one side of this, and that is the sisters post

Based on experience, I would say his situation is likely domestic violence and the ex ended the relationship, got a protection order and has filed for divorce, hence he doesn't see his child ond legal aid. Saying she is crazy or blaming the ex and denying any wrong doing is usually a clear giveaway.

Three kids to three different women, would suggest he is the common denominator of whatever the issues were/are.

He needs somewhere to stay so your sister is convenient, especially if she has fallen for his 'charms;. You know, some of the most charming people in the world are abusers behind the scenes, it's the perfect cover - because who would believe the charming, funny gentleman was capable of it, right?

I may not be correct, but his haphazard love/family life (lifes?) would be a good indicator of what she has to look forward to, turbulent best case scenario, but I expect in time it would be her in the same shoes... coercive control, cheating, financial abuse and domestic violence.

I would be seeking Clare's Law absiolute minimum, if she is so sure about hime she wont mind - they wont inform him this has been done. I imagine she's been a bit love bombed too.. and seeing him through rose tinted glasses. Besides legal checks on him, make sure she knows where you are and that you are there for her.

Blokes like Alan are often very likeable, until you get to know a bit more about them and discover stuff like you have described. He is a narcissistic, gambling addict who has no respect for women. Women just keep a roof over his head and he tells them what they want to hear, until they see through him and they become the crazy ex. Blokes like Alan have usually had a troubled childhood, I'll bet not a good relationship with either parent. I knew an Alan once. I hope he's only a narcissistic prick with children in the house. I'd investigate him in any way you can and hope your sister sees sense. With kindness, she needs to do something about her self esteem.

Please, please, apply for Clare's and Sarah's Law disclosures. You can do it as a relative.

Everything about this waving massive red flags 🚩 Even the fact that he’s nice and does cheap work for your mum etc. Thats so that she’s now indebted to him and he can point out how ungrateful she is for everything he’s done for her.

It’s very very difficult to get legal aid for a divorce. It’s very possible there’s domestic violence or abuse involved.

@thinkingcapon Ps don't you get legal aid if you don't earn over a certain amount? Not necessarily due to domestic abuse reasons.....

This is absolutely false. You can only get legal aid if there's police evidence of police action due to domestic abuse AND you earn below a certain amount.
It used to be available to anyone on a low income but that changed in the early 2000s

@TammyJones I think YOU need to be careful of your facts! Unless you're in Scotland you must have evidence of domestic abuse in order to get legal aid. Has been the case since 2013

@Marble20 You might want to check before you share. This is literally the same thing!