To be wary of my sisters boyfriend? Let's call him Alan...

[tesitwist]

He's confident, very helpful. Self employed builder who seems to do anything for anyone....including a new patio for my mum which is costing her next to nothing. My mum really likes him. Myself, my mum and my sister are very close. All live within a few minutes away from each other and see each other at least 3 times a week.

But here's a few pointers about Alan...

3 kids to 3 different women
.
Getting divorced. Met my sister only a few weeks after his marriage ended and moved into her house pretty much straight away. However I don't think he actually asked to move in. To me it looks like he's just began to stay there and never left. I want to find out how he's contributing financially but not sure if I can do it without getting flamed by sister.

He has a kid he doesn't see anymore. Don't know much about it - apparently his ex is the reason why. Think the child is 9/10 years old. Alan hasn't seen him for 9 months.

His ex wife is 'crazy' with mental health problems. They have a child together that Alan hasn't seen much of until recently. Apparently ex wife stopped contact because she is jealous of Alan and my sisters new relationship.

Definitely had a troubled childhood. He explained his life story to us all the other week. Definitely not shy but equally a bit draining. Beginning to realise he will only talk about himself or what he knows. Or will change the conversation to make it about him.

My sister has 3 girls. This isn't the first time she's moved a new man into her home but this one was quick. Her last relationship ended about a year ago. She's been with Alan since November. Alan's marriage ended in October. I worry for my nieces.

Oh and he used to be a gambling addict. Now apparently just has football bets and does the lottery.

But I like Alan. Well sort of. He's one of those you can't help but like but he is starting to give me the 'ick' as the kids would say.

There is more I could add but that's enough for now. My sister won't have a bad word said about him as hes been through a lot.

Aibu to be wary of Alan?

YES

''Under the scheme an individual or relevant third party (for example, a family member) can ask the police to check whether a current or ex-partner has a violent or abusive past. ''
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/domestic-violence-disclosure-scheme-factsheet''

I got chatting to a lady in her early 50’s a while ago, she said dating men around this age was tricky as many are just looking for free lodgings.

I would be wary, he seems to be on a charm offensive to win people over.

firstly, be very wary if he pops the question, being cynical…. If you can broach the subject… get any assets (house, pension) protected, get a will written protecting her kids.

It may not be the case, but this is not the first time I’ve heard of this, and in 2 years they change personalities, leave and after the house equity.

hope I am wrong and good luck.

Not true!!!! A third party can report their concerns. If there is anything to be concerned about, the police can disclose it to the person at risk. i.e. the sister in this case.

Honestly, the level of absolute nonsense being spouted on this thread is a prime example of not taking advice on the internet too seriously.... ALWAYS FACT CHECK!

Family members can apply and any information on him will lead to a disclosure to her sister. Whoever applied will be told there is going to be a disclosure taking place, but not the details of his police history.
Knowing one is going to take place would be enough for a family to help OP's sister.

Absolutely request Claire’s law, ring your local police force, give your sisters details and all the details you know about Alan. Explain your concerns and say you’d like a Claire’s law disclosure. If there is a disclosure to be made it will go directly to your sister by officers.

"Alan" sounds just like my friend's ex.

Several kids by different ex-wives, most he never sees. None of the break-ups his fault.

He nagged to start a family with my friend but she didn't want children. After a few years, he asked her to marry him. She agreed. Halfway through the preparations, he walked out - straight into another woman's home.

It turns out the previous break-ups were his fault. He'd told one woman who didn't want another child that he'd had a vasectomy (always ask for proof, ladies!), told another he was selling his home so couldn't contribute as his money was tied up in the mortgage and selling costs.

He also drove his children and step-children around in an untaxed, uninsured car and had never bothered to take his driving test.

My friend found this information after one ex got in touch with her on FB. She wishes she'd contacted her earlier but admits that she probably wouldn't have believed her if she had.

Wow, you all jumped to abuser and paedo in seconds! WTF.

I mean don't get me wrong, no way I'd move a man into my house so quickly, but give me a break! Having 3 kids makes him an abuser and a paedo to boot.... WTAF.

My DH had 2 kids with his first wife and two out of wedlock with girlfriends who he then broke up with. The first put her ex hubby down as the dad, the second he lost touch with as he was relocated with work and some of his personal stuff was lost in transit. He was no paedo or abuser, he was as he put it 'stupid'.

We had 16 fabulous years together before he died. He was a great hubby, dad and my best friend. We moved in together after 8 months buying a house to boot.

Check him out if you want @tesitwist

But MNrs need to wind their necks in...

I'm a single mum and have been focusing on my kids for years getting on with work and my hobbies and all people say is you need a man, whe you getting a man, I'm absolutely fine on my own!!!!! I'm not into sleeping around either ( because some people think if your single you wanna play about) I find people in couples seem to wanna play about more. I never even wanted a partner in the first place I'm gay and really am a one person, person, split up with ex as he was a nightmare and he approached me. Not trying to sound like miss perfect bollocks I'm just gay and so not interested and not interested in being a woman's bit on the side. Otherwise I'd have a rich man myself and have a women on the side too, but that not me thanks! Anyway I can see why women get with men if they aren't driven and a reliant on men and need money. I have a good job, I'm good with money and don't want fancy cars or really expensive holidays so I'm good however i get a lot of comments still about being single and people think I must be a struggling single mum on the dole when I earn more than some couples!
Anyway point is even if you told her about him, even if you can find out his history would she even leave and even if she told him to, would he just leave, took me over 15 years to get my ex out of my life, he had it easy with me no way he was gonna let me go. He kept trying to find someone else but when they were possessive jealous or it didn't work out he'd just come back anyway he found a new replacement and it's going well and I got a lock on tbe door and haven't seen him for over a year so finally free at last , for now. Anyway hopefully she will call it off and he will leave

Your poor nieces. Totally irresponsible of your sister to be moving some randomer she barely knows into the family home. Sounds to me like he’s probably still gambling as well if he’s flat broke. And what’s the bet he’ll propose to your hapless sister once his divorce has been granted?

Do you have any mutual friends in common with his ex or can you make some enquiries? How did you get on with the Claire’s Law search? You also need to get your mum on side. I find it creepy the way he’s appeared from nowhere and has just ingratiated himself into a family. He sounds horrible and safeguarding your nieces is your priority.

This sounds horribly similar to my friend's ex, his name has 7 letters and he has had two boys subsequently I believe, the eldest who would be around 10... Don't think it's the same guy though.

He was annoying (never bloody shut up) but not abusive for a good 18 months before it got nasty. His constant offers of help and initial love bombing disguised his nasty side.

So many red flags here, it's practically bunting.
I've seen this package of behaviours before.

Check with police and also bankruptcy register for info, but it's clear as day:
non involvement with his children is not explained or mitigated by labelling his ex as being mentally ill, even if it were true.

This says an awful lot about him and none of it is positive. It also runs completely counter to the image he is hard-selling your family.

As a single mum, your sis is vulnerable in some ways and he is manipulating her with a kindness tsunami and pity me speeches to create the connection. Watch for soft control behaviours next.

Sorry. Your sister really trod in something.

As others have said - he’s a walking red flag. Any one of those things you’ve said about him would put me off.

I feel bad for his five yr old son being brought around a big group of people after not seeing his dad in a while, instead of one on one time. He's possibly putting on the charm offensive by building for the mom and sis so that any doubts they might have would make them feel/look like an asshole after his generosity. It's sounds like the girls have a very extensive support network so they will likely be ok. I think it's more likely he's a standard cocklodger/maybe narc rather than a pedo, but of course one should always be aware of that too. It sounds like he needs a place to live and has fun with sis, so I'd expect that would be his main motive rather than her daughters.

Never trust an Alan. I learned that back in 1995

This is true. I was in an abusive relationship and if you asked anyone, even my family, they would say that I would be the last person that this would happen to. I have a very strong personality and I am outspoken. I have heard before that some abusers are attracted to strong women as they consider it a challenge. Yes, they typically will try and isolate their victim from their family.
Alan has so many red flags, previous convictions for violent crimes, lots of crazy exes, lots of children by different women, gambling addiction, moving in too quickly etc. I think that you are right to be worried. It’s all very difficult, when I was in this situation my family said nothing and I felt ashamed, frightened and unable to leave. I was broken down by him and he told me that if I ever left he’d stab me.
Also, children will very often not share experiences as they will often feel ashamed and frightened. It’s just not as simple as keeping a look out. Your sister has been completely irresponsible, I would try and get some more information.

all the red flags here, as a survivor of a narcissistic abuser, if she’s in that group, you need to reach out to her. Maybe even make a fake Facebook profile and say you’re friend is seeing him and you’re worried.
i was with an Alan for a while and he lovebombed me and my family hard for a year, was mr perfect, then I endured every type of abuse from him. Including financial- as he too was a gambling addict and a freeloader. The best thing I did was use protection with him and get myself out in the end (which was not easy). After a year of therapy for ptsd I contacted his exes, they all said the same thing- moved in fast, sob stories, everyone was against him, love bombing, becomes part of the family, always the victim, then the gaslighting, insults, possessiveness starts, isolating, lies, violence etc etc. narcissistic abusers are evil robots that all run on the same broken code.

Wind your own neck in.

3 kids to 3 different women
Doesn't see one of them because of the ex apparently
Moved on with the OP within weeks of his marriage ending and started to take his child there for contact time despite his ex being crazy with mental health problems..........suuuuuuuuuuuuuure, that really adds up
The poor child looked confused and didn't speak to anyone there, his other daughter loves the ex wife and not a single word mentioned about her being crazy
The ex is getting free legal aid which suggests abuse
The ex also follows a page about surviving narcissistic abuse
The sister and Alan are absolute gobshites who said that the ex going to through CMS means she's trying to destroy Alan 😂
Alan is saying he's paid but yet has been called to court about paying arrears
Gambling addict
Criminal record

A walking re flag. He’s been love bombing your sister. So selfish of her regarding her kids. Your gut instinct is most likely correct sadly. Never lose contact with her and the kids however. I had similar with my mate luckily 2 years later she saw what I saw.

@Fontofallknowledge23 agree, love bombing the mum too. With her on side the DD will find it harder to sense check issues as they arise as opinions will be coloured.

Yeh, id have a chat with the girls individually and together. Keep it casual. "You're mum is certainly taken with Alan. It'd be hard to raise any concerns you have when your mum is so besotted."

Let them know that nieces can talk to their aunts when subjects are hard to raise with their mothers. Keep it general, because you don't want a big row where sister leaps to invest everything into defending Alan.

@Babybelle23 yes, my long term x was a blamer, irritated constantly, everything had to suit him, draining, controlling, unapologetically demanding. An Obvious nightmare.

But like a lot of people who've had their sense of self eroded bit by bit, the next person I got involved with (semi) was a charming, outgoing, love bomber type, he seemed a different character to me at first, until I realised I felt the same. I still had to meet his expectations, still had to please him, suit him, accommodate him, fit in around his plans. He never lived with me, as if! But I think its q common to initially fall for this charming style of externaliser/,blamer/user after an overt controlling abusive raging X
5 years wasn't enough recovery time it seems.

There is local builder here that does this. Jumps from woman to woman, failed marriages, lots of children. Also likes to think he's a businessman and has a string of failed businesses, whilst still being g a builder! Pubs, shops etc. Bills left unpaid, people left without jobs.
Thinks he's it, and it's all someone else's fault. He's just left the latest wife, daughter has had to be pulled out of a public school as the fees aren't being paid.
He's ruined so many people's lives and just doesn't seem to learn his lesson.

I would add Derek and George to that.

Unless Derek is a dog. I know a border collie called Derek and he's lovely.

People like this never learn their lesson - because they genuinely don't care who they hurt. As you've said, it's always someone else's fault, someone else defaulted on a great business deal and 'this time next year we'll all be millionaires'. This is their MO, it's how they operate. In reality, they are total failures, but image is everything and it's amazing how many fall for obvious con artists, even when the flags are the brightest shade of red imaginable.