Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

[WhatWillHappenToTheDC]

It’s a relatives child.

The DC is 10. Has lived with the RP, their mother alone since they were 2. Seeing NRP Father for 2 nights EOWend and half the school holidays.

NRP agreed to have DC over Easter Holidays fulltime so RP could have some work done on the house.

RP has now said they do not want DC home and want to trial a switch of residency for awhile or wants to do 50/50 arrangement. NRP also does not want DC fulltime and wants to go back to previous arrangement.

Social Services are involved now due to the arguments and DCs school reporting it, but what will happen if neither parent wants to live with their child full time? Is there some sort of foster care where parents can still see DC?

I can't put myself forward to have the child as I live too far from them. Parents live around 7 miles from each other.

That poor child. I sincerely hope they are completely unaware that neither parent wants them.

The reality of being a parent is that you have to look after you child and be there for them. Most children are fortunate enough that at least one of them will do this, regardless of whether they want the other child to step up or not.

I can understand why his mum wants his dad to have him more but surely she would prefer him to be in childcare (guessing wraparound care) than have her son in foster care. She will see him even less and it will be so damaging for him.

His dad is awful too if he would prefer his son to be in foster care than with him.

Poor child.

This is a good point. Maybe dad can pay more for childcare as the "price" of going about his life unencumbered so the mum doesn't have to work so much and can have more time with the DC.

Well- if SS are already involved and each parent is saying they don't want the child then there is a very real risk the child will be put into permanent foster care. It's been some many years since i worked in that field but IME SS try and find a solution but if both parents are being so hopeless then they need a solution that provides real stability for the child.

So it may not be up to either of them in the end. And their fighting might turn around and bite them in the arse. Because these parents are failing their child. That is the crux of it.

Because at the end of the day it's not about the parents- it's about the child.

My mum used to say that you shouldn’t have children unless you’re willing to be responsible for them entirely.

I didn’t understand what she meant when I was younger but now I know: many men can’t be relied upon to do their job in parenting - either financially or practically, so don’t have a child if you aren’t willing to do it all yourself.

At least if the kid ends up in foster care then everything will be completely even and fair. That's the main thing. Poor kid.

I guess they could just give him up for adoption if neither parent wants to live with him.

as usual, the dad is a useless twat but when the mum cracks and needs help, she should be sterilised, she's awful etc. the father should be doing more here and it's frustrating that he gets to opt in and out of parenting whilst she doesn't. Yes I know it's a child and not a rug or set of teacups here but the point is that they are both parents, they are both responsible yet only one seems to be stepping up and acting like it. And as usual the woman will take the hit and sacrifice her well being as society demands that of us, never men.

Yes. Because you do it for your child. You crack on with it. I did it with no help. If you don't have a choice, you don't have a choice. You can't force someone to be a good parent, you can make that choice yourself though.

This doesn’t make any sense though. It’s shit that the father is denying his responsibilities, and the mum is essentially a single parent…and sadly it’s a very common story. But why on earth does that mean that she just wants to stop parenting altogether?

They both sound truly awful. That poor, poor child. The damage from this will run deep and will be permanent.

She’ll see him even less if she puts him into foster care! This situation makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

The child is too old to be adopted- i think there is a rough cut off point of about 3. But the child could be in permanent foster care. Hopefully that will mean one loving family but often it means a series of halfway houses.

OP- if you are a relative - even though you live far away- you could ask SS to allow you to foster the child under afamily arrangements order. It does not matter if you live far away- the child coulkd be placed anywhere as my understanding is that appropriate foster placements are pretty hard to find.

In any case- both parents are failing this child. I sympathise that the mother is at breaking point- but her desire to get the father to step up may well result in both of them losing parental rights over their child.

I believe these conversations happen more often than you might think. I've often wondered what exDP would do if I just decided I couldn't do it any more. I think he would step up and take the DC in no questions asked but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't want to do it long term. Solo parenting without any real help is a long slog day in day out. Who doesn't daydream of taking a break from it for a bit?

It does doesn't it.

My DH, (now ex) said ( in the midst of an affair) - “family life is not for me”., adding “it is ok for you, you kind walking in the park on a Subday morning, or taking them swimming”

And I said - “well you know what, family life is not for me either…so what shall we do…sell our 18 month and 3 year old?”

Of course I didn't mean it… but what if I had.
You know, somevsubday mornings I could quite fancy a lie in while he walked in the park…

Ar*e!

Some people are too keen to quit when they have to make an effort.

On drugs? His 10

@WhatWillHappenToTheDC why is the dad not collecting child from childcare if child is currently living with him???? that is ridiculous! I can understand mother being upset with the non caring dad.

But the mum appears to be thinking about putting her child into FOSTER CARE because she doesn’t want the responsibility either. I fail to see how that is different.

both of them are equally awful parents.

I hope this isn't real. Both parents need to get a grip and start being more supportive of their child and each other.

Women can't just stop parenting.

With a few exceptions, the consequences for children if mothers stop parenting are much more disastrous than if fathers stop parenting.

I know it's not PC to say it, but mothers as a collective group are far more important than fathers for children's welfare. Hopefully that will change, but this will require a complete change of mindset in terms of what society demands of men as parents and what many men demand of themselves.

This is why women need to think much more carefully then men about having children. Much harder to ditch them without causing irreparable harm.

Sorry but it doesn't sound like it

I get its hard but the child is 11. Will be taking themselves to school soon and be more independent. You can't just say l don't wanna anymore.

I don't really get the "she's at breaking point from doing it alone" and "she never sees him because of work" paradox.

What are her shift patterns op, and what are the dad's?

I'd be very surprised. Sounds more like a woman who's exhausted and resentful at doing everything while the other parent does next to nothing, and is resorting to desperate (though misguided) measures to get them to step up and do their share. The woman's done the heavy lifting so far and its a reasonable bet if the father calls her bluff she'll carry on doing it.

That child is going to be fucked up.

I can't believe they are unaware of the situation - mum knows, dad knows, MNer relative knows, school knows, SS knows. No doubt many others.

That child knows they are the centre of a row between their parents. So sad. And unforgivable.

SS got involved just because DC said he wanted to see Dad more? There surely must be more to it than that for them to be involved . A child wanting to see one parent more isn’t a sign of a child at risk of harm ?

I knew a family that were in just this situation. Both their kids had full scholarships at an independent school, and the school did them a deal on boarding costs. The boys stayed at school Mon-Thurs and went to a different parent every other weekend.