Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

[WhatWillHappenToTheDC]

It’s a relatives child.

The DC is 10. Has lived with the RP, their mother alone since they were 2. Seeing NRP Father for 2 nights EOWend and half the school holidays.

NRP agreed to have DC over Easter Holidays fulltime so RP could have some work done on the house.

RP has now said they do not want DC home and want to trial a switch of residency for awhile or wants to do 50/50 arrangement. NRP also does not want DC fulltime and wants to go back to previous arrangement.

Social Services are involved now due to the arguments and DCs school reporting it, but what will happen if neither parent wants to live with their child full time? Is there some sort of foster care where parents can still see DC?

I can't put myself forward to have the child as I live too far from them. Parents live around 7 miles from each other.

I feel really bad for the RP. She is trying to engineer a life which doesn't leave her doing 90% of the work, which I do sympathise with. NRP sounds really shit.

I know a couple who both feel like this so while their relationship is pretty much dead they’re staying in the same house and seeing other people so neither has to do too much parenting. There’s an involved grandparent who does loads.

It is fair and I am talking about both parents here actually although I know I quoted the part about the Mom. The OP is not stating that either parent is at "breaking point".. just that neither wants the child to live with the- which is shit.

It's a horrible situation, but it seems to be caused by the father of this DC not bloody stepping up and doing 50/50. Why is it the DM's role to do everything while he gets EOW? It's not bloody fair, yet time and again mothers are expected to suck it up, say nothing, suffer, let their careers suffer, while the DF gets to shirk his responsibility. I the DF is being a real jerk and the DM is probably at breaking point, because you'd have to be bloody desperate to get to this point.

Why won't dad do 50/50? Really? It's his kid too right?

The poor mother, the poor lad.

She's done every bit of the hard work until the child is 11. She just wants the father to step up so she can see her child rather than burning through money on childcare and being exhausted. That seems entirely reasonable.

He's a slacker taking the piss. Happy to leave all the heavy lifting to the child's monther and not accept that she needs things to change, both financially and in terms of energy.

I hope the son isn't aware of any of this, the poor soul.

Is the mum actually burnt out and genuinely unable to cope? Or is she just fed up of doing all of the work?

We know that she's under pressure and may "crack". She has a "physical condition" but we don't know what. She works full time and she doesn't like how much childcare she has to use.

On the other hand, the OP has stated that the "Mum thinks there should be more contact between the child and father and feels like she does everything for said child while father gets all the fun so she either wants a switch for awhile or 50/50 so it's more fair"

So is it that she has had some sort of breakdown and is actually unable to care for the child at present, or is it that she simply doesn't think that the old arrangement was fair and she wants the child's father to step up and pull his weight. Because those are two totally different scenarios in my view.

If it's the first, then the mum clearly needs help. If it's the second, then she is a shitty parent for making her child feel unwanted in order to prove a point to her ex.

The dad is clearly a shitty parent either way.

The poor child is stuck in the middle of it all.

Frankly, this sounds like what happens in lots and lots of situations. The only differenc eis that the RP (usually the mum) doesn't get a say so has to continue to be the primary carer, including financially, while the feckless dad swans off.

She's 100% right that 50/50 would make more sense. But she probably shouldn't hold her breath. And the reality is that as is so often the case, in the interests of the child, the mother will have to compromise.

RP has completely gone about this the wrong way. Bringing social services into it to get her own way when NRP won’t change arrangements. That poor kid. How fucked up is she?

Surely over the past 8 years she could have made changes, 10 year old will be in secondary school v soon and independent. Allowing her to work more hours.

Poor child. Mum needs to take the child back. This isn’t the way to work out custody arrangements. Think how bloody unloved the child must feel. I get the point she is trying to make but what a disgusting way to do it. Hopefully the child has no idea what’s going on but realistically they will do.

This isn’t about the mum not loving her child, it’s about the father not doing his share. Why should he have so much time to himself? Children are hard work! Even your own children who you love dearly. Good for this lady for making a stand. I’m assuming this doesn’t have to be discussed in front of the child.

I've been exposed to quite a bit it this in my job. It's common for parents to move on and just not feel as attached to the it child esp with new partners and children on the scene.

This is so sad. That pair of twats don't deserve to be parents.

SS became involved because the DC said they wanted to go home but see dad more. Arguments as far as I know have been done via email and SS not in front of the DC.

This. People on this thread are being so unfair to mum. Drawing an equivalence between the two parents, calling them both shit and shameworthy, is beyond wrong and unjust. Mum just wants (needs!) some help from dad so she can spend more and better quality time with her son.

The OP has said that the DC's school has involved Social Services "because of the arguments" so I'm guessing that the child is well aware that he is unwanted by either parent.

Unbelievable that you can say "good for the mum". Of course it isn't fair that the child has a shitty father and that she has ended up doing all of the work, but that isn't the child's fault, and it is despicable to make your own child feel so unloved and unwanted.

And frankly, even if the child is blissfully unaware of what is happening between his parents, what kind of mother wants to pack her child off for half of the week to a man who clearly doesn't love or want him?

If you aren't prepared to parent alone, then you shouldn't have children as far as I'm concerned. It isn't fair to bring them into the world unless you're willing to step up...regardless of how "unfair" the situation might be, you owe it to the child to put their needs first.

My god that poor child. If that were my relatives child I would take them no matter what, and love them as hard as I could.

That child's parents should be utterly ashamed of themselves. None of the reasons you have tried to give for the mother and father are justified.

They should both be sterilised.

Dad is an arsehole

But gosh I feel so terrible for the child 11 is a hideous age to feel unwanted.

Mum is going to break because that's what you do when you love your child so nothing will change barring child feeling less wanted. What a mess.

As a society we need to make absentee parenting unacceptable.

If she's doing the drop offs when kiddo's at Dad's she should stop that. That will give her more of a break. Even if the kid is in childcare a lot, it's still better than feeling not wanted at moms home. If possible, lowering standards is better than giving up all together.

Poor child. No court can force a parent to have the child with them if they don't want to so it's just a matter of who cracks first unless they are both going to be such arseholes that the child gets taken into care. Given that none of us can see into the future, don't have a child you're not prepared to look after.

Two wrongs don’t make a right and as desperate as the mother may be the message she is sending to the child is still one of being an inconvenience.

tjey need to find a better way to resolve things which doesn’t have such a knock on for the child

"RP" stands for Resident Parent (child lives mainly with this parent)

"NRP" stands for none resident Parent

Seems a bit daft surely a 10 year old is on the verge of not needing childcare. Suggest wait a year and put him in state boarding school for secondary. Then he will be off their hands and they can both do eow or leave him there all term.

Yes its shit she doesn't have the support she needs and has probably already reached burnout stage BUT no way would I force someone who doesn't want the child , to have the child even if it's their dad.

She needs to stop using the child to try to make the father change..this is what she is doing. Its cruel.
Look after your child or dont.

This is so sad.

Unfortunately this isn't uncommon. Wealthy families send their kids to boarding school at this point, I know a lad who was packed off at age 8 because neither parent really wanted him (nanny until then) are their grandparents who could take long term custody?