Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

[WhatWillHappenToTheDC]

It’s a relatives child.

The DC is 10. Has lived with the RP, their mother alone since they were 2. Seeing NRP Father for 2 nights EOWend and half the school holidays.

NRP agreed to have DC over Easter Holidays fulltime so RP could have some work done on the house.

RP has now said they do not want DC home and want to trial a switch of residency for awhile or wants to do 50/50 arrangement. NRP also does not want DC fulltime and wants to go back to previous arrangement.

Social Services are involved now due to the arguments and DCs school reporting it, but what will happen if neither parent wants to live with their child full time? Is there some sort of foster care where parents can still see DC?

I can't put myself forward to have the child as I live too far from them. Parents live around 7 miles from each other.

What does the child want? Its not about the adults.

If the mum wants the contact arrangement to change, then the way to do that is surely to go to court, not effectively abandoning her child with the other parent? Ultimately if the child can't live with either parent, they will go into foster care, but I really can't imagine a parent who would allow that to happen.

The dad sounds rubbish, but I think the mum just needs to accept that and accept that very soon less childcare will be needed which will at least make things easier on her end?

The school involved Social Services because the child said that he wanted to go home but see dad more?

Are you sure that this is all there is to it?

Seems odd that school would contact Social Services or that Social Services would get involved simply because the child has expressed a preference for a slightly different contact arrangement. I thought that Social Services were desperately overstretched!

I'm betting that there was more to it than this, personally. Or else there were already safeguarding concerns in relation to this child and he was already on SS radar.

No. You can’t just palm your child off to social services and foster parents with no real, valid reason. Not fancying it anymore isn’t going to cut it and if they neglected him they’d be prosecuted. What’s going on? Is RP hugely struggling?

I think there is a chunk you haven’t been told. A child saying they want to see dad more is very very unlikely to trigger any sort of referal. A school may make a note of it but nothing more is likely

It might not be easy but there will undoubtedly things that can be done to ease the burden.
I'm all ears.
I'm not in the situation the OP's relative is in as my DC would end up in care over my literal dead body but what practical help is out there? There's no short-term respite even for those with ND kiddies.
If you're on your own with childless neighbours, no family and no partner, who's going to ease the burden?

Sympathies to the DM, but stop
it. Shame on DF.

SS are brilliant, but they can and do get the police to prosecute for child neglect. In no universe will they allow the care system
to be used as a free holiday club.

The parents’ options are public school, other family members as special guardians or 12-hr nanny.

I was going to say I'm guessing the mum's at the end of her tether and is desperately trying to get the dad to step up

There are various charities in my area that will provide help to parents who are struggling. Homestart for parents with under-5s, for example. Then there are a number of local charities that support single parents, families with older children, children with medical conditions, families in crisis etc.

I'm not saying that it isn't fucking difficult at all, and of course, charities sometimes have long waiting lists etc. It's shit for people who have no support.

But it still isn't right to make your own chd feel unwanted.

Could mum move to be nearer relatives that could help?

I’m aware of a similar situation. Mother dumped kid on father and father dumps kid on another relative on and off when he’s had enough. The kid is a destructive feral nuisance I’m assuming caused by the mess the parents have created

I'd have to be in a right state to refuse to collect my child when I'd arranged to. The kid was expecting her and she didn't show? She duped the child into leaving for a couple of weeks and then said what exactly? "You can't come home"? Cruel.

As for the Dad, if he's been reliably sticking to a contact arrangement they've agreed, and flexible enough to take the kid for extra in the holidays when she's needed it then he doesn't sound like a total shit bag. The kid doesn't want to live with him either, which is important.

I appreciate burnout happens, but the kid is 10. Unless there are undisclosed behaviour issues here then that's not that hard.

If you're on your own with childless neighbours

Im a childless neighbour who looks after my neighbours kids for at least 1 day each weekend sometimes more because shes disabled and needs a little extra help

If you shut childless women out of your "village" without thinking you might shut yourself away from help without realising

Years ago this happened to my little sisters best friend. There were 3 DC and Mum left to go off with another man leaving all 3 DC with their Dad. He said he couldn't manage them alone and all 3 got put into care. At the time they were 7, 5 and 2 years old. My sister's friend was 7. They couldn't find a foster home who could take all 3 DC so the younger 2 went to one FC and Linda my sister's friend had to go into a children's home as no FC available. My own Mum used to collect her after the gymnastics club, and take her back to the orphanage. We also had her to dinner one night a week. Her own Mum moved far away and never saw any of her DC. The father visited about once every month to begin with then over time only once every 3 months then once a year, then stopped contact. Most parents fight to keep their DC not neither don't want them. It's the ultimate abandonment.

I don’t see why the dad can’t step up. Sounds like the mum has done more than her fair share over the years. Maybe she thinks it’s his turn now. If you create a child, you should be prepared to support them 50/50 until they’re 18. Why is he getting off so lightly? Awful for the child stuck in the middle but you can see where the mum is coming from!

This

I have two autistic children.

We changed working hours
We got a cleaner
We buy COOK food
We built a support network
We got an after school nanny
I’m on antidepressants which gave me some balance

My son goes to a special school. A trio of us formed a village - we have a WhatsApp where we can chat, vent, share tips, ask advice, we do stuff for each other. We were sick a few weeks ago - they were offering medicine runs, shopping etc.

I’m not saying you click your fingers and it’s done but when you’re in tough situations you make changes to improve things.

My life is not what I expected. I had thought I’d be back working full time, senior finance position and would’ve moved to an area I loved.

Nope. So I had to make changes. Otherwise I’d still be crying all the time.

How horrible, that poor child.

I am a completely lone parent. No contact with DS's dad. I have ZERO help and have done everything on my own since I was 18 years old.

I would NEVER have said I didn't want DS full time. Yes it's shit when dads don't step up, yes it's unfair, but you crack on with it for your child's sake! I would rather be the one parent that my child knew he could rely on than try and point score and make him feel unwanted.

Both parents sound terrible and I judge them both.

Absolutely 🥲

I don't want to have my children full time as in I would have chosen 50/50 if given the option I didn't set out to be a lone parent but my ex won't have them so I suck it up and get on with it.

Unfortunately the way our society is set up is that in most cases mothers are the default carers. Fathers can basically waltz in and out and choose their level of commitment.

This means that sadly the mum needs to step up. I sympathise with her feeling pissed off, but when you have children, it stops being about fairness between two adults and becomes about what is best for the children. And what is best for this boy is to be with the parent who has, up until now, been the decent, reliable consistent parent who has put him first. He has a shit dad to whom he's not a priority and nothing will change that.

I don't blame the mum for having a wobble - it's easy to see how the stress and injustice has got to her, although ideally she wouldn't have let it impact her child. We are none of us perfect thought. But ultimately she needs to get back on track, take her son back, love-bomb him and focus on undoing the damage that has been done by the adults' actions. Because this is what a decent parent would do and unfortunately her son only has one parent who is capable of being decent, even if they are not being so at the moment.

Personally, in her shoes, I'd have a go at extracting some money from him in addition to CM for essentially "making the problem go away" for him, and then use that to make life better for myself and my child. So ask for a lump sum towards childcare and other things.

Yeah, life isn't fair and the hard slog of raising children typically falls heavily on the mother where a relationship breaks down. But fucking hell - you have a duty not to let the shit roll down hill. That's job one.

Both parents needs to get a grip and stop screwing their child over for the rest of their lives in their sad attempt to “win” against the other.

RP should take DC back as usual and any “fights to change the status quo should be done outside of the DC knowledge.

Both parents are an absolute disgrace.

Ok - a slightly different perspective now @WhatWillHappenToTheDC when you say the Mum has to work so has to put the child into childcare and if Dad stepped up she would have more time with the child so it's not that she "wants rid" of the child rather that she wants extra time with them.

Both parents are disgusting