Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

[WhatWillHappenToTheDC]

It’s a relatives child.

The DC is 10. Has lived with the RP, their mother alone since they were 2. Seeing NRP Father for 2 nights EOWend and half the school holidays.

NRP agreed to have DC over Easter Holidays fulltime so RP could have some work done on the house.

RP has now said they do not want DC home and want to trial a switch of residency for awhile or wants to do 50/50 arrangement. NRP also does not want DC fulltime and wants to go back to previous arrangement.

Social Services are involved now due to the arguments and DCs school reporting it, but what will happen if neither parent wants to live with their child full time? Is there some sort of foster care where parents can still see DC?

I can't put myself forward to have the child as I live too far from them. Parents live around 7 miles from each other.

It's very "my child can fit in with my life" parenting.

Whereas most women have to make sure that their lives fit in with their children.

I can understand this mum's fury but it's not ok to behave in a way that impacts the child.

So why did the OP present it so differently?

You can put whatever spin on it you like, but I'm not getting that from the OP's posts.

From what she said, this isn't a case of mum having a mental health crisis and suddenly finding that she can't cope.

It sounds like she asked the dad to have the dc for a period while her house was being done up, enjoyed the freedom that this gave her and decided that the old arrangement wasn't "fair" so she didn't want to go back to it.

Of course, if the OP comes back with a massive drip feed about mum having a mental health crisis, then we can reevaluate. But if that were actually the case, why wouldn't the OP just say this in response to a direct question? She was asked about mental and physical health conditions and she responded to say that there was a physical condition. Not sure why you would extrapolate from that to conclude that mum is experiencing a mental health crisis?

I think lots of people are assuming mental ill health because they can't imagine any other circumstances in which they would decide that they no longer wanted to live with the child. But I have seen little evidence of this in the OP's posts to date.

Fully agree. But I don't agree that this man is a sperm donor father. He's active and involved, though clearly less than 50%.

This is true, he has been involved.

But he is also a shit father if he is refusing to take the child when his mother says that she no longer wants him.

Both parents should be willing to have their child 100% of the time if the other parent can't be arsed. It isn't good enough for either of them to say, this is how much I'm prepared to do but I'm not doing any more.

They are both 100% responsible for the child. Ideally, they should be able to share this responsibility 50/50, but if one person won't, the other should step up. That applies equally to both the fathers and the mother.

Why would you assume that?

SS will not easily accept care of the child. They will try to support the parents to understand their legal and moral obligations.

Does prepared to parent alone only apply to the mother then? As the father here certainly doesn't feel that way

My DDs dad was a waste of space and refused to have them much and tes I did feel resentment over it.

No, it applies equally to both, as I have already stated numerous times on this thread.

The fact that the father won't step up doesn't make it OK for the mother to say that she isn't going to step up either. Both are equally responsible and both are equally in the wrong. Both should 100% be prepared to step up and compensate for the other parent's shortcomings, if that's what it takes to care for the child, because none of it is the child's fault.

I can't see why people are struggling with this. If your child's father is a waste of space, why would you want your child to pay the price for that? If the father doesn't give a shit, it's no skin off his nose if the mother decides that she isn't going to give a shit either. The only one to suffer is the poor child caught in the crossfire.

I know I'm gonna get slayed for this but.... we all have a choice who we procreate with. IMO our moral duty when we choose to become parents is to prepare as much as we can for things we can control but accept that there's a degree of uncertainty that comes with being a parent. We need to be ready to put the child first if bad things happen. Yes it's unfair that often more pressure is put on mums to do this but you can't force anyone to do what's right so there we are. It doesn't absolve the other party of responsibility whether mum or dad.

My dd is only 6 and already 2 of her friend's mums have passed away. Did the dads hold their hands up and say it was too hard to be a single parent? Heck no! They stepped up. They're brilliant dads working tirelessly to shelter their kids from a shit situation and shower them with the love and stability that they desperately need. I haven't seen an ounce of self pity from either of them who were put in this situation that is completely unexpected and out of their control. That's the duty that you accept if you have children.

There's absolutely zero excuse for what either of these parents are doing. It's vile

Double standards need to change if the government doesn’t want our birth rate to decline to that of certain Asian countries as women are waking up to this inequality and are making the choice to be childless more and more.
why should it be, when two people both make the decision to have a child, one can just decide to mostly walk away with very little societal and legal pushback?

I agree with this

The father of this kid is of course an asshole. But it doesn't really matter if the arrangements with the father aren't "fair". The child is here already, he didn't ask to be born, he is a real person and he needs care and love. Theoretical fairness, feminism, the patriarchy etc. are completely irrelevant.

I'm pretty sure the kid can tell that neither parent wants him, what with the mum not taking him back from the dad's after holidays, and he will remember this his entire life. His therapy bill in the future will be pretty hefty.

Then you have some money. We can't afford a cleaner or a nanny.

DH is working essentially full time hours around DS needs for peanuts (£5k a year, technically self employed), which is depressing, but we have little choice as he needs to be available for school drop off and pick ups or be around if DS refuses to go, plus there are appointments and meetings, workshops etc with various services. My job is WFH and fairly flexible as long as I'm available for certain meetings.

I'm on betablockers for anxiety.

We've arranged everything we can around DS needs, not sure what else we can do without more money.

@ICantThinkofAnythingClever what sanctimonious claptrap, and if those things aren’t relevant why is everyone one here arguing about it? Why, again if those things aren’t relevant, this mother, according to the OP has been driven to such lengths after 8 years.

Nobody has said it’s not absolutely traumatising for the child either.

dear god, poor kid.

Just to add, I’ve never dream of doing what this woman has but the vitriol and nastiness aimed at her is appalling based on the OP so far non drip fed post!

This happened to a family friend. She’s now in her 50s so a long time ago but when her parents divorced when she was about 8, neither wanted her. There was a whole long court case and they finally agreed to send her to boarding school and split 50-50 in the holidays, but she’s always been damaged by this (as you would be).

The mother wanting a fair setup doesn't mean she doesn't love her child. I completely understand why the world is the way it is from these responses though. I think it must put off a great deal of intelligent women from being mothers.

But how does this method of getting a “fair set up” show her child he is loved?

actions speak louder than words and the actions here are telling a child nobody wants him.

A "fair setup" has come second to the child's needs.

Well, I hope it does put people off being mothers if they aren't prepared to put their child's needs before their own need for fairness. The world really doesn't need any more crap parents.

I really feel for your relative on this one.

There is such double standards for this - it’s not ok for mum to need extra support after doing 90% for 11 years but it’s okay for dad to want to do the bare minimum? I expect her career, health, relationships etc will have suffered whilst dads free to crack on as if he’s child free..

Sadly, whatever is right or wrong, this will be damaging the child leaving him feeling unwanted and damaging relationship with mum more than dad as she’s the status quo. She does need to take him back and argue out the rest behind emails and closed doors with dad. Could SS help with funded after school care? Could a family or friend take a pick up a week to help out? There’s often things they can access but not necessarily openly offer. I hope she is getting support in real life and not flamed.

The situation will never change whilst women are being told they are lucky their exes don't bother because they "get the kids all to themselves" something I get told on MN often because my ex doesn't bother with our kids I'm lucky to get them all to myself, wtf?! Heaven forbid wanting the father to step up and be involved with his children! It's not "luck" I can see where this mum is coming from although my ex has never had our children even a single night (but don't forget I'm "lucky" he hasn't) 🙄

Literally NOBODY is saying it's ok for him to do the bare minimum, are you actually reading the replies?

What people are saying is while it is unfair, it's not the child's fault and what is "fair" has to come second to the child's needs

Shouldn't it be the same for fathers? Why only mothers?

There is such double standards for this - it’s not ok for mum to need extra support after doing 90% for 11 years but it’s okay for dad to want to do the bare minimum? I expect her career, health, relationships etc will have suffered whilst dads free to crack on as if he’s child free.

Of course it's ok for mum to need more support. It's not ok for her to make her kid that she chose to bring into the world feel like an unwanted chess piece. I don't know what's so difficult to understand about this. I cannot forsee any situation in which I would preferentially shove my kid towards someone I know didn't really want them rather than giving them the love that they need and deserve. We can dress it up all we like and play the blame game but I think most loving and responsible parents would find this situation absolutely unfathomable