Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

[WhatWillHappenToTheDC]

It’s a relatives child.

The DC is 10. Has lived with the RP, their mother alone since they were 2. Seeing NRP Father for 2 nights EOWend and half the school holidays.

NRP agreed to have DC over Easter Holidays fulltime so RP could have some work done on the house.

RP has now said they do not want DC home and want to trial a switch of residency for awhile or wants to do 50/50 arrangement. NRP also does not want DC fulltime and wants to go back to previous arrangement.

Social Services are involved now due to the arguments and DCs school reporting it, but what will happen if neither parent wants to live with their child full time? Is there some sort of foster care where parents can still see DC?

I can't put myself forward to have the child as I live too far from them. Parents live around 7 miles from each other.

Plenty of mothers don't want 50/50, lots of threads on here with women who are distressed about the father going for 50/50. Is it best for the child? Well I suppose that depends on many things. Not all women are going to be happy if they have to have 50/50.

How many times has the response to a man wanting 50/50 been that he is just trying to minimise what he has to pay?

If school and social services are involved I don't believe this child doesn't know what is going on.

And thinking about it, there is such a shortage of foster parents and so little money in councils, due to Tory cuts, thresholds are so high to support the most vulnerable.
Children in risky homes have to stay because there is little other choice.

These adults are not going to be supported easily to hand over their child (who if it happened could even be moved out of the locality for a foster placement). Most likely would be a ‘kinship care’ arrangement where a family member fosters the child.

As adults, none of us, issues/safety excepted, should be able to give our child to a council to take care of. We make a choice of responsibility when we have children.
That does not exempt men who get an easy ride quite often. Walk away, see the child if and when it suits and pay little or no maintenance. My ex, full-time, working professional, paid maintenance that didn't even cover our DC’s dinner money, never mind anything else teenager needed.

I don't think it's best for children to have a 50-50 set up. Who would like to have to keep picking up their lives and shifting home, two different bedrooms and desk spaces, two sets of house rules, in and out of access to their friendship group like the hokey cokey. It might suit parents just fine, less so if they had to do it themselves.

No, they are both neglectful parents.

Nobody is saying that the mother is worse than the father. Merely that both of them are shit.

And that the child is extremely unfortunate to have not one but two crap parents.

What does the child want? Hes ten so can clearly speak his mind. Foster placements are hard to come by and Social services will not want to fund a placement when there are two perfectly capable (albeit selfish and lazy) parents who can care for their own child. This will be explained to the parents. What a bunch of ridiculous time wasters, like Social services dont have enough to manage at the moment. This was a private arrangement im assuming, both parents should have to hire a solicitor and take it to family court. Once they have to pay privately to sort their own issues they will quickly come to an agreement. OP please talk some sense into them for the sake of that child- he will be able to view all records when older and see how his parents behaved!

Child will be messed up within a year. Poor child.

Poor little love

I 100% get this! It's bloody hard on your own! I'm a single mum of 4! My eldest has ADHD and is being assessed for ASD he has challenging behaviours and there has been times that I have felt exactly like this his dad hasn't been on the scene since he was 6 he's now nearly 14 I've suffered with depression and anxiety and I've had soo soo much shit going on with him in the last few years to the point I messaged his bio dads sister to get his dad to call me but all he said was i can have him when he's 18!!! Made my blood boil! Yeah when all the bloody hard work has been done you useless prick! It makes me soo angry that dads can just walk away and see them when they want too yet us mums have no choice we sacrifice our lives, our time and our happiness because we have too be mum 24/7 I know your friend wouldn't put him care it's a cry for help and she is desperate for the father too step up and I know she loves him so these comments your getting from people slating her as a parent ignore because I totally understand where she is coming from as I have been in this situation. It's bloody hard! Mentally draining and emotionally tiring. I wouldn't know what to suggest hun because I have 4 children and their dads are just as useless as this one and don't want too have the kids anymore than they do. I just wanted to put my comment here to say she's not alone with how she feels and I totally understand why she is feeling this way! She should be proud of herself doing it for soo long on her own and managing the house and work also! She needs reminding she's got this 💪🏻 and she's doing great! 😊 and that it will get easier 😊

Yeah, it's going to be a hell of a ride through the teenage years with the shame of rejection and the driving desire for acceptance making him incredibly vulnerable.

I have sympathy for the mum as I’ve been there as a single parent. My ex sodded off overseas to work so I didn’t have EOW etc. I get she’s putting pressure on him but to the point SS are involved and her child is asking to go home? This is where I think she’s wrong. She can’t make her son suffer to force her point. Pretty soon he won’t need childcare, and he can stay home alone whilst she goes out etc. Dad isn’t going to crack so she need to bring her child home. I hope you’re encouraging her to put her child first.

Agreed, most kids don’t want to do that. We tried it for 2 months when we first split but it became clear it wouldn’t work. We tried again last year when my ex returned from working overseas but DD is in GCSE year and didn’t want to keep moving all her books etc so she stays with me 100%.

Of course it's wrong that men get away with just walking away, but the solution to that is not to make it easier for women to walk away as well.

I agree that this thread is depressing, but for different reasons. I am depressed by the number of people who seem to think that "fairness" for the mother is a valid reason for treating the child like shit.

I don't dispute the fact that it's unfair if a dad abandons his kids and walks away, leaving the mum to do everything. I can see why that might grate on you, but you can't fix the situation by doing the same thing yourself.

When we become parents, we have to be prepared to accept total responsibility for our children. We cannot possibly know whether we might be left to raise the child alone, whether that's because the other parent abandons them, dies or whatever. We have to be prepared to take on 100% of the responsibility for them, and if people aren't up for that, then I don't think they should be parents. Yes, I get that lone parenting is difficult, but for the sake of the child, we may have to suck it up.

I'm all in favour of doing more to ensure that men step up and do their fair share. No argument with that at all. But I'm not in favour of women just unilaterally stepping down to do less if that means that the children are left feeling unwanted. Two wrongs don't make a right.

The child's needs should come first.

There’s one near me, I know it does week boarding as someone I know had their child stay over on weekday night, assume that some kids are there 100% but not checked

Being fair, he has the child every other weekend and half the holidays. Obviously that's not full time parenting but it's not just being a sperm donor!

Yes.

The one I looked at (Royal Alexandra and Albert) is absolutely gorgeous with ponies and amazing grounds and it's only around £1K per term.

Send the poor lad there then, with a link to the "they sent me to stately homes" thread.

Then when he’s a grown man, the mother will be on here moaning she doesn’t see him, where did I go wrong , hand wringing etc etc
This a wee boy who by looks of things is not wanted, like it or not a mother should be thinking of her child ,it’s emotional abuse forcing him to prove a point to his Dad, we KNOW he should have a relationship but it’s not realistic if the dad resents him and/ or is not interested in his son at all.

As for those going on and on about the patriarchy, yes a dad should step up too but we all know you can lead a horse to water etc etc this is a wee boys life and only childhood they are expletive deleted messing up and as your a relative I’d be telling her this.

@Medschoolmum

Factually yes the child’s needs should always come first.

But when a person is suffering mental health and at the breaking point, life does not look that black and white. I know I have been there.

I have certainly fantasised about packing a bag and thought all the scenarios through. I know logically it doesn’t make sense but I can totally relate the unfairness of it all especially when the parent isn’t dead. My kids dad is not a terrible dad so to speak if he bothered but just lazy and disinterested and puts his own needs and desires first. He presented himself very differently before children

I guess from the OP the friend does not intend to allow the child to have no home but the intention was simply trying to force a man to step up. Sadly it’s completely futile as he will not. Clearly it has all got a bit out of hand.

Exactly. This is what I don't understand. My heart breaks at the idea of my child asking to come home and me refusing out of trying to make some sort of point to their other parent. She's shit for this too.

The child is the parents responsibility. They have to.make it work never mind all this don't want to live with them full time rubbish. Poor kid.

I have already acknowledged that, if the mother has had some sort of mental breakdown which means that she is unable to care for the child, then clearly, she needs support.

But I don't have the impression from the OP that this is the case. She was asked a direct question about whether the mother had mental or physical health problems. She responded to say that mum has a "physical condition". No further details and no mention of mental ill health. She has mentioned that the mum feels "under pressure" and she also mentioned that the mum "may crack" but it isn't really clear as to what this means.

The OP also outlined very clearly near the beginning of the thread that the mother was doing this because she feels that dad has all the fun and that the old arrangement was unfair. That really doesn't sound like a description of someone who is facing a mental health crisis to me. It sounds like someone who is frustrated and using their child to make a point.

I have every sympathy with lone parents who want their ex partners to step up and share the load. I understand the sense of injustice and the frustration that they must feel. However, I can't ever condone taking out this frustration on an innocent child.

You hear all the time about parents using their children as pawns in their own battles. I think this must be the ultimate example of that.

So what will happen to this poor child

Yes a father should step up

We sadly know many don't

If he doesn't surely the mum will

And as the child gets j to teens he will reliese what a knob his dad is

This!

Any loving parent would think if the CHILD's interest before their own. It may be in the mother's interest to have more child-free time and for the father to step up, but it's most certainly horrible for the child to feel unwanted by both parents. I can't imagine doing this to my beautiful daughter. Her emotional well-being and not 'sticking it to my useless ex' is my main concern.

@Medschoolmum

The mum has been looking after the child for 10 years with very minor input, something must have changed mentally for her. People rarely just wake up one day and decide to not parent anymore. To me it sounds she is in crises with her mental health.