Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

[WhatWillHappenToTheDC]

It’s a relatives child.

The DC is 10. Has lived with the RP, their mother alone since they were 2. Seeing NRP Father for 2 nights EOWend and half the school holidays.

NRP agreed to have DC over Easter Holidays fulltime so RP could have some work done on the house.

RP has now said they do not want DC home and want to trial a switch of residency for awhile or wants to do 50/50 arrangement. NRP also does not want DC fulltime and wants to go back to previous arrangement.

Social Services are involved now due to the arguments and DCs school reporting it, but what will happen if neither parent wants to live with their child full time? Is there some sort of foster care where parents can still see DC?

I can't put myself forward to have the child as I live too far from them. Parents live around 7 miles from each other.

@Forflipssake24 I read not only the title but the post too.

Honestly, I do find it incomprehensible that any parent - mother or father - who has been the primary carer for a child for so many years could suddenly step back and decide that they've had enough, that they don't want the child any more, that they would like to send the child to someone who hasn't ever really bothered with them.

I think it's every bit shitty when NRPs decide that they can't be arsed with their kids, and I consider them to be equally bad parents. But I can understand it more easily if they have been shitty all along, as I assume that they simply haven't bothered to develop any sort of bond with the child.

But when you have loved, cared for and nurtured a child over many years, there is a usually a strong bond. The child is attached to you in a way that they probably won't be attached to the parent who hasn't ever made any effort. They will feel the rejection way more deeply.

I'm not sure that the earlier investments that a parent may have made in a child in any way make the subsequent abandonment of that child any less shit. Is it better to build a bond with your child and then reject them or is it better not to bother trying to build a bond in the first place? Frankly, I think either approach is pretty shit.

The title of the thread is misleading. It's not that they don't want the child. The mum wants the dad more involved in parenting so she can work nights and see more of him. ATM he's just a Disney dad every other weekend not having to deal the school runs out of school activities and homework etc.

It’s about time that custody agreements should be default 50/50 unless both parents agree differently with the option for the resident parent to apply for 50/50 at any time with no option to refuse from the non resident parent without prosecution for child neglect.
I’m disabled and bed bound 90% of the time with 2 children,if my husband decides he no longer wants to parent and walk away, very few people would judge and the pressure would be on my daughters to be child carers. If my husband was in my position and I decided to walk away, I’d expect to be prosecuted for child neglect and heavy social service involvement at a minimum.
Double standards need to change if the government doesn’t want our birth rate to decline to that of certain Asian countries as women are waking up to this inequality and are making the choice to be childless more and more.
why should it be, when two people both make the decision to have a child, one can just decide to mostly walk away with very little societal and legal pushback?

"The title of the thread is misleading. It's not that they don't want child. The mum wants the dad more involved in parenting so she can work nights and see more of him."

That, I think. PPs have suggested that the mother "just change her hours" if she doesn't want to use so much childcare- she's trying. I assume she doesn't have some magic unicorn job where the hours are 9.15am- 2.30pm M-F, no nights, tons of annual leave which can all be taken in the holidays, and which you can just walk out of in 3 minutes flat if school ring to say the child is unwell.

Also, childcare wise- unless the mother is minted, I assume this is a childminder. So possibly this verging-on adolescent child is going along to the childminder's house, doing a bit of homework and then having to watch Frozen for the forty millionth time and play with playdough, or trudge to the park at small child speed, spend 15 minutes feeding the ducks then trudging back with a revolving cast of 4-8 year olds (variable amounts of crying and pant wetting involved) to whom they are not related. Fun times. They might as well be with their dad even if he is a bit shite.

*I realise that sounds really dismissive and shitty towards childminders. I know that some/most childminders are great, and perhaps there are some that take only one child at a time, or a couple of similar-aged children. But most childminders I know mostly mind quite young children.

Terrible title.

How about "Woman is trying to insist that her childs father takes responsibility".

Its not that she doesnt want her child living with her, but that she wants her childs father to actually be the father that he isnt being.

ETA.....why the hell does dad get to say "Cant see her more cos of work" and mum has to pay through the nose for childcare? He COULD see her more, but he doesnt want to pay so he offfloads the work and the cost onto the mother and Disney Dad's it EOW.

Dont blame her for saying ENOUGH, FUCKING STEP UP DEADBEAT.

What about what the child wants? They are used to living primarily with their mother. To drop the child off for the whole of Easter and then refuse to have them back is appalling. The dad's hardly a disney dad if he has them EOW and half of the school holidays. He's paying fair maintenance through CMS. Plus it's one child! Most of us are coping with more than one dc. The father should consider 50:50, but the mother needs to stop playing games and discuss this properly. The dad may not be able to adjust work hours at the drop of a hat. I agree it shouldn't be all on a mother's shoulders but she's using her child as a pawn in a battle with her ex. I'm sure we'd all love to step out of parenting for a while and live the child free life, but you make a commitment when you have children. Feel very sorry for the child.

Further.....the sad part is that she is being very brave by forcing him to blink first and unfortunately when he doesnt (as it sounds like he wont) she will be labelled the neglectful parent but not him.

The dad's hardly a disney dad if he has them EOW and half of the school holidays. He's paying fair maintenance through CMS

Wow, the propoganda really did its work on you didnt it?

So a father can see his kid 4 days a month and 6 weeks during the holidays, pays the CM minimum and he is a hero. But when Mum says "Enough, time to step up and actually be her father" she is the one in the wrong?

you make a commitment when you have children

So how come only one of those parents has actually stepped up for the childs whole life and done that?

I feel sorry for the kid too. But mostly for the mother because when this doesnt work, as Disney Dad will not give in, she will be the one castigated.

Says who? SS won't label her. They'll be looking for a parent willing to parent and be interested in the child being looked after properly by either mum or dad. I don't think she's being brave at all tbh. I think she's throwing her toys out of the pram.

You can't insist though. You can't force someone to step up and be a better parent, and you certainly shouldn't dump your child on someone who doesn't want them.

I've been there and I get it, believe me. Anyone thinking of having children should be prepared for the fact that for various reasons they could end up raising those kids on their own. I do it, and it can be pretty tough but it's my responsibility, and also a privilege in some ways, I'm the one who gets to experience the love, and the closeness, the pride, hopefully with the next generation too.

This poor kid has two parents who were apparently unprepared for what life might throw at them. Imagine what he's feeling right now, and he'll remember it for the rest of his life. It's a hell of a game of chicken to be playing.

"So a father can see his kid 4 days a month and 6 weeks during the holidays, pays the CM minimum and he is a hero." @PyongyangKipperbang I never said he's a hero.
I have friends who do 50:50, sounds ideal. My ex does a night every other weekend and a night in the week, would love him to have them more but my dc like the arrangement and I want them to be happy. My dp has their dc full-time as their mother did exactly this and refused to have them back. When she fancied having them back as suited her the dc children were so traumatised by it they wanted to stay with their father. No propaganda, just lived experience.

Yes, absolutely crazy. A very high percentage of non resident dads do it every day, but that a mother wants to stop picking up the responsibilities the dad should take is absolutely unthinkable.

It goes very much with the stereotype that gets so many women to baby sit for the single dad to help out in the very meagre time he spends with his children, while a poor woman that wants the dad to help more is seen as “disgraceful”.

Having said that, it can also happen to dads who are resident parents but there are not many of those around.

I feel sorry for the kids but I don’t think the RP is asking for anything outrageous, they are the NRP’s kids as well after all. I’m sure however that the NRP doesn’t want to cover his half so is happy to punish kids and RP to keep the status quo.

And? I had assumed it must be something extreme. It's not though.

The dad's hardly a disney dad if he has them EOW and half of the school holidays. He's paying fair maintenance through CMS.

Definition of Disney daddying imo. "I'll have my kids when it suits me but god forbid their presence should actually inconvenience me in any way".

Of course it's Disney daddying to refuse to actually care for your child.

Quick rundown:
I live with my partner whilst my adult son (23) lives alone in my house a few miles away. He is a uni student and pays me minimum rent everytime he gets his student loan. I pay for rest of bills. He is very difficult to live with.
my daughter (22) lives 100 miles away at uni also. Her and her brother do not get on AT ALL. She comes back for a few days during breaks and stays in my house with her brother. Yesterday he had a massive meltdown because she used ‘his’ bowl. I spent N hour calming him down, I’ve never seen him so upset. He said she’s impossible to live with. I honestly can’t see how, she speaks her mind but so does he. They both say I treat each differently - if I’m being honest I get on much better with my daughter, and it breaks my heart to see her upset. She says she feels she has no home when she comes back from uni. She can stay with me and my partner for. Few days here and there but his flat is very small. ( I can’t swap with my son as it’s too far from our work and also it’s against our tenancies). I am torn in all directions and affecting my mental health.

She loves her DC more than anything in the world but is under a hell of pressure and feels that dad could step up more given he lives so close

Does she? Both sound awful tbh.

I understand doing everything for your child and how frustrating that is, I am in that position myself. But I would never EVER allow my child to go into Foster care because I just one day refused to do anything else for them in some sort of attempt to make their rubbish father step up.

Of course its shit when one parent doesn't do what they should be doing and I do completely understand how difficult it is as the parent who does everything. But know how shit my child's other parent is, I would never refuse to have them back. Its the child that will suffer.

I don't know how any mother or father could simply refuse to have their child back in that situation 🤮

Put your snidey smilies away.

At the point I started typing my question, there were very few responses and not much info from the OP.

If there had been medical or behavioural issues then perhaps respite or something might have been something to consider.

OPs updates show it's something else entirely but, not being psychic, I didn't know that.

Happy now?

Poor child. I simply can't imagine how awful it must be for them to know they are unwanted by both parents. Having one neglectful shitbag for a dad is bad enough, but mum joining in tips it over the edge. I hope you have explained to the mum the extreme damage she will do to her child's self esteem by this selfish behaviour.

A child goes into foster care because the parents have split and the mother thinks the childcare arrangement is unfair-fuckin hell I’ve heard it all now. I don’t doubt it’s a shitty hand she may have been dealt but she should keep him with her at all costs.

This is a red herring. Trying to get the Dad to step up is one thing, dumping a child somewhere they don't want to be and refusing to collect them is another. If roles were reversed and the resident Dad had dumped his kid on a feckless mother I'd be calling him out too just as harshly. Because the child needs to know you've got them, no matter what.

Taking a stand for empowerment is not what this is. Being angry with the other parent and harming the child to punish him with the inconvenience of his presence? That's shit human behaviour, whatever sex you are.

Agree with this.

50-50 repsonsibiity for childcare and earning.

No such thing as child maintenence any more, would save a ton administering and trying to enforce.

I didn't mean to have a go at you, I was only putting my indignation at the situation in context!

Sorry for any offence. If it helps, I always see that as MN's eye-roll emoji, not smirky. And it was my expression at what this poor kid's awful parents are doing. I realise that wasn't clear. Apologies again 🙏

This poor kid doesn't stand a chance. She'd be old enough to understand that she isn't wanted at half her age. Regardless of the fairness of it I just couldn't be friends with either of these people without telling it to them straight how much they're screwing up their innocent child tbh. Just horrible.