Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

[WhatWillHappenToTheDC]

It’s a relatives child.

The DC is 10. Has lived with the RP, their mother alone since they were 2. Seeing NRP Father for 2 nights EOWend and half the school holidays.

NRP agreed to have DC over Easter Holidays fulltime so RP could have some work done on the house.

RP has now said they do not want DC home and want to trial a switch of residency for awhile or wants to do 50/50 arrangement. NRP also does not want DC fulltime and wants to go back to previous arrangement.

Social Services are involved now due to the arguments and DCs school reporting it, but what will happen if neither parent wants to live with their child full time? Is there some sort of foster care where parents can still see DC?

I can't put myself forward to have the child as I live too far from them. Parents live around 7 miles from each other.

A 10 yo is NOT on the verge of not needing childcare.

My son is 15. I work full time with the normal holiday allowance ie working most of the school holidays. It has been HARD. Year after year of really stressful school holidays shuttling him about to sports camps or similar.

It's not just a couple of weeks of muddling through with say a 12 yo whose a bit bored over the holidays...it's many, many weeks, year after year.

It's getting better now as he can get the bus into town (we live rurally) and is more independent, but it is hard for lone parents with no support. And I have a very flexible job, and a level of seniority which means I can mange my own time give or take.

They do but whether the parents are together or not doesn’t necessarily dictate if they will get one. You can have a lot of crap male role model dads who are still with their child’s mum. And good role model dads who are separated from the mum.

Equally a child can have good male role models who aren’t their dad.

I think girls need a good example of what a man should be like in their lives too, including to help them make the right choices of partner (if they are straight) or just of men to have in their lives.

So yes you’re right but it’s complicated!

Yep, there are "underlying issues with the child" - namely, his parents

Whilst she rightly wants him to step up and be a proper parent he is clearly not going to.

So how can she bear the thought of leaving her child with him?

But you can't force an unwilling parent to be a decent parent

So the child still loses

@Nanny0gg Precisely, I completely agree, so there should be sanctions in the form of some sort of legal recourse.

In some cases, decent parenting needs to be incentivised, and I would hazard a guess a stick rather than a carrot would be considered more appropriate.

I also realise, someone who is mentality and emotionally deficient may still not understand the damage they inflict.

Enormous problem to solve.

It's very depressing that whatever situation a woman is in, she must put others first. It can be an extremely relentless, stressful and shitty life being a single parent. I have two and am one.

Even on the verge, or having an actual breakdown, women must put children first because no one else will. She is thoroughly shamed for even suggesting she isn't happy and is screaming inside about her unjust situation.

But it's easier for the father, the child and the rest of society if she just goes along with it all without protest and allows the death of her soul. If she's smiling, it's even better. What a good mother.

^^This in bucketloads. F**king hell. How sad. Poor kid. They’d be better off in fostercare than with either their ‘natural’ (but really lacking in natural instinct) parents who resent looking after them. They’d probably treat a dog better.

"All these comments just reflect what people really think of women in this society. What people really think of mothers.
You can birth a child. Raise a child. Do all the grunt work, the shitwork, work full time to keep your heads above water, lose your health, your sanity, be there for that child for ten years....
Butneverslip up. Because, if you ever do, you will be judged so harshly. Be "disgusting", a "piece of shit", no matter what the circumstances."

This. Quite a few people have expressed sympathy for the mother, but according to quite a lot of others, the mother:
Should be ashamed
Should be sterilised
How fucked up is she?
Is throwing away her kid
Is making her child feel unloved+unwanted
Wants rid of her child
Is having a sulky shit fit
Is point scoring
Is abandoning her child
And is:
Horrible
A twat
Despicable
Cruel
Terrible
An absolute disgrace
Disgusting
Awful
Unforgivable
Vile
Selfish
Repulsive
Gross
An arsehole
Shit
Shitty
Shitbag

Yes when you have young dependent kids you should put them first - they’re your responsibility. He is a shitty Dad as fathers and mothers often are but there is no need to sink to his depths and have the child, the school and social services knowing that the child a burden that no one wants. For the sake of your kids you do sometimes have to paint on a smile and keep going. I think people know and expect before we undertake it that parenthood is a massive responsibility and one that we all could end up doing alone.

You are lovely. Apologies - I meant neighbours who are child-free by choice/shown no interest in the kids (as opposed to fellow school mums who might trade favours). Wish you were my neighbour.

Quite a few posters have stated that the parents are "as bad as each other"
Even though the mother has done the vast majority of the parenting for 8 years (and, I'll wager, the 2 years before that)
Even though the first post says that she'd like to try a RP swap for a while but would be happy with 50:50, but the dad doesn't want to do a tap more than the fuck all he has done already
And even though she has seen the child every day over the Easter holidays, ferrying them to and from childcare and leaving them back to school (has the dad done a school run ever, like, ever?)
They're "each as bad as the other"

I would say each of these things about the father too. I realise that the mother may really really be struggling and need and should have much more support and rest but it’s despicable the child knows that they are unwanted.

@Forflipssake24 the child is not unwanted, the mother after 8 years, most of her son’s life, wants a fairer split of the responsibility, stop with the hyperbole.

👏 ABSOLUTELY.

It's women who have the ultimate say as to wether a child gets born- or not.

Men can't be relied upon to be good parents , so unless one can face raising a child alone- best not to have one.

Once a child is in the world, it's too late to realise that you need space and time to yourself.

"For the sake of your kids you do sometimes have to paint on a smile and keep going. "
Not sometimes. Always. For 18 years, she is going to have to eat shit the dad has doled out and smile while she's eating it.

As PPs including the OP have pointed out, the brinksmanship is doomed to failure. At some point you have to show your hand...and the dad knows that she will never get closer than he can to saying "OK yep foster care it is, where do I sign?" He knows she'll crack first, and he knows that she knows that he knows too. She's taking a knife to the gunfight.
Also, from a legal POV, I assume that the arrangement already in place and established for 8 years- him 2 day Disney, her 12 day donkey- is the default setting. So he just has to take the child for his scheduled EOW weekend, say, drop DC in to school et voilà. He can lock his door and switch off his phone for 12 days and if the mother fails to turn up to school to collect, or drops the child on his doorstep, legally she would be the one prosecuted for abandonment.
He's untouchable. He holds all the aces. She has nothing.

No, those comments apply equally to men and women who bring children into the world and then decide that they can't be arsed to parent them.

Nobody is saying that the father isn't equally responsible for this tragic situation. He is every bit as vile, shitty, selfish and despicable etc as the mother.

If you choose to be a parent - a father or a mother - then you have a duty to care for your child appropriately and put their needs first, until they reach adulthood.

If you are a woman who happens to have chosen a shitty father for your children, then you have a duty to care for your children without their father's involvement. If you are a man who happens to have chosen a shitty mother for your children, then you too have a duty to care for your children without their mother's involvement. That is the duty that you each accept when you choose to bring children into the world.

You are assuming that the comments reflect what people really think about women in this society. You are wrong, they reflect what people think about parents who abandon their children.

And yes, we might be less shocked by men abandoning their children simply because it happens more often, but that doesn't make it any less despicable when they do.

Most kids can rely on having at least one parent who will do the right thing. It's horrifying to hear of a child that is totally unwanted by either.

So why are social services involved and why is the mother's relative asking strangers on the Internet for advice about foster care?

Quite a lot of assumptions have been made on this thread. That the child is a boy, for a start.
That the mother's motivation is an easy life rather than trying to facilitate the child's expressed wish to see more of the father. That the mother is "threatening her child with foster care" rather than so far, thread title and "What happens if neither back down?" question has come from the OP who is a relative not the mother.

It is difficult...a good male role model does wonders for both boys and girls.

Too many young women are attracted to shocking men -probably as they themselves didn't have decent fathers as role models.

If only every child had stable, loving parents - how much easier life would be- and much less pressure on Social Services.

But as things stand, there are so many fractured families around now.

It's very sad, and the children are the ones who suffer.

Even the very responsible dads who do the 50:50 sharing becomes tricky when the kids get older - living between two houses, often with new half siblings -It's definitely not good.

BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
**
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
**
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
**
**

"It's horrifying to hear of a child that is totally unwanted by either."
The child is not totally unwanted by either parent. The original post says that the mother would be happy with 50:50. Even the dad is willing to continue to do his little Disney bit.

I have had custody of a relative's child for the last fuve years because of a situation like this. It started with parents claiming to need a break, time, space, etc. It turned out both were drug users and resented the child's needs intruding on their ability to fully indulge their addictions. Neither parent has seen her in three years and the last form of contact at all (a rambling, incomprehensible text) was almost two years ago. She didn't reply.

I don't know what would have happened to her had my home not been available, but I have to assume the foster care system would have been involved.

@Medschoolmum ask the OP for specifics please

@powershowerforanhour yes, I’m not sure how son came into it either, looking back through OPs (not tft) posts…son/daughter, doesn’t change much I suppose.

@stormywhethers321 in that case, and I sincerely hope it’s not the case here, they shouldn’t be allowed to be anywhere near children.

Did you read the title? Neither parent “wants’ to live with the child. The OP has also queried whether about the child possibly living somewhere where the mum could occasionally visit - neither parent wants the bother of caring for the child.