Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

[WhatWillHappenToTheDC]

It’s a relatives child.

The DC is 10. Has lived with the RP, their mother alone since they were 2. Seeing NRP Father for 2 nights EOWend and half the school holidays.

NRP agreed to have DC over Easter Holidays fulltime so RP could have some work done on the house.

RP has now said they do not want DC home and want to trial a switch of residency for awhile or wants to do 50/50 arrangement. NRP also does not want DC fulltime and wants to go back to previous arrangement.

Social Services are involved now due to the arguments and DCs school reporting it, but what will happen if neither parent wants to live with their child full time? Is there some sort of foster care where parents can still see DC?

I can't put myself forward to have the child as I live too far from them. Parents live around 7 miles from each other.

They absolutely do.

DS's Girlfriend's Dad was a wonderful father figure to him.

Boys really need a good male role model.

Why are you putting all the responsibility on the mum??

Dad sounds a lazy arsed Disney dad, of course he wants the easy EOW and 2 nights, but he can't.

He is the father so should take the same amount of responsibility that he gave when making the child - 50%

Burning out is not a fucking option!

the mother has relatives - ffs @WhatWillHappenToTheDC there’s no excuse for this

I hope a decent foster family can be found to give that poor kid a stable home where he’s wanted

Shame on the whole family. :(

So women have fought for equal rights in all other areas yet are still accountable for absorbing all the fuckery from other the parent who should be 50% responsible?

Fuck that, I don’t condone dumping her son with his father, but the poor woman must be out of her mind. What else is she supposed to do?

This is one of the most judgemental threads I’ve ever read, and sounds like a lot of woman are on here are scared to stand up to the patriarchy - yes the needs of the child are always the priority but if his mother is burnt out, then she needs support and is seeking that in a less than ideal
, but what else is she to do. In an ideal world her ex would recognise that and step up, but hey he’s a man so he can opt out.

The martyrdom on here is breath taking too.

What's disgusting people they both are. Neither of them deserve him.
I can only imagine the emotional damage that has been done to the poor little boy in having social involved because both parents want to see him less.

Honestly one of the saddest thing I have ever read on here .

Well, I’m not a sociologist, perhaps you are right.
If we agree though that men and women should be equally responsible for their children, I think the question we need to be asking is how we can move towards men being more present and engaged as parents, rather than arguing about whether women have equal right to abandon their kids (a point a few on here seem to be leaning towards).
Let’s be equally great, not equally crap.

Ugh you can have a point but make it terribly I guess.

I feel mum’s pain but it’s not just the leg work, you need to create a psychologically safe environ too and they’ve both dropped the ball here.

She could approach him for more financial support and get a taxi etc for school runs with that. If he’s literally never done a school run most courts would agree he needs to start or surrender the nights (empowering her to get more via cma if poss)

Fundamentally parents have no rights only responsibilities. If one decides not to fulfil them that simply means they are no longer shared, the other parent doesn’t have the ‘right’ to level up their own free time, which does indeed suck but the alternative means minors are bearing the impact which is even worse.

It’s a damage limitation exercise now unfortunately

What??? Being the RP is tough??!! It’s called parenting. Don’t do it if you can’t handle it. Millions of single parents (mostly women) have zero help, and they just get on with it. They don’t just say “I’m done, someone else needs to take over”.

@Anxiouslump agreed, there should be legal recourse for shitty parenting, and that doesn’t start with the RP who steps up, ending up at breaking point.

I will say it again, this thread has laid bare so must of the lip service that gets spouted on here about empowerment - this thread has blown that apart, clearly mothers are no more empowered than they were 59 years ago.

Depressing as fuck, and this shit is supported by woman too it seems.

This is one of the saddest things I've read on here. How can they not want to be with their child full-time?! I really hope this poor child doesn't end up too mentally damaged from this. Bastards.

@MumblesParty 👏well said!!!

Is there a grandparent or aunt who would be willing to take in the child? Even if too far for the parents to visit.

I sort of agree.

It's difficult... People say things like "how can they not want their child?"

But there are lots of fathers who don't want their children, or don't want them more than EOW, and tbh we're largely cool with that. So long as they pay CM, they're seen as ok.

There were some interesting statistics which I saw on here once about what happens to children when a parent goes to prison. If the father, they mostly stay with the mother. If the mother, they usually end up with family members other than the father or in the care system.

My mother was a criminal psychologist and she has always said if you take a child away from its parents (or parental role) they’ll never recover

i think she’s 100% true.

I don’t believe social services would get involved unless there are other concerns - residence disputes happen every day and SWS cannot get involved. They don’t have capacity or a legal basis for being involved.

I believe that school have made a referral due to the emotional impact on the child.

If a parent abandons their child they can and should be charged. Unless there is more information that you are withholding.

SWS don’t accommodate children for no reason and nor should they. I am not minimising your relatives stress - however if someone is struggling to the point where they cannot continue to care for their child, usually family would be approached to support / scaffold. And this could lead to further assessments being undertaken.

The poor child 😔

This thread is depressing to read.

i could be this mum. Completely burnt out. Two kids to look after an ex that disappears for months at a time. The unfairness grates on you. These men that want children and then realise it’s hard work so they just walk away. Off they go living their blissful child free life, holidaying, furthering their careers as no childcare to consider, doing the bare minimum but taking credit for their amazing children. I get it. I can relate to the mum. Meanwhile poor mum is the unpaid labour barely getting by day to day.

Men get away with just walking away and it’s wrong. There are no repercussions other than some inadequate maintenance payment.

I couldn’t give a fuck about empowerment when it comes to my kids. They are my children and I would do ANYTHING for them.

I certainly wouldn’t use my child to make
myself feel empowered.

This happened to my BIL. He ended up in children's homes, never fostered. You can see the effect it has had on him throughout his life, although he's a lovely guy.

@@Lovethistimeofyear what?

On the flip side - I have a situation in my extended family where a dad of two children, aged 2 and 4, moved abroad to work for an NGO for a year and kept on moving, never came back. The mother eventually filed for divorce, the dad set up automated child support payments but after a couple of years of Christmas and birthday gifts appearing in the post, lost all direct contact with the children. The mother was able to care for them financially but wasn't really able to focus 100% on being the sole parent - there was a nanny, several au pairs, summer camp, stepdads, and lots of holidays with (maternal) grandparents and aunties.

The dad has recently reappeared and wants to be "in my children's lives" again. The children are now 17 and 19 - the older one really wants a relationship but doesn't/can't trust the dad, the younger one is polite but completely disinterested, says dad is a stranger and that's fine. But both of them are absolutely furious that their mother "let" this happen, that she didn't fight harder to force the dad to maintain some kind of relationship with the children.

So when I read this, I don't necessarily see a mother who doesn't or love her child, but perhaps a mother who is desperate to do everything she can to do the right thing for her child. (And yes, it is very wrong that this is visible to the child.) Reading your follow-ups, I suspect that your hunch is correct and that she will eventually cave in and essentially be a single parent and harshly judged for whatever she does and there will be no negative consequences for the dad. The child is, unfortunately, going to be hurt no matter what.

Haven't read the full thread but your op is heartbreaking

@AspiringChatBot this is why I feel there should be legal recourse, not necessarily jail time for the reasons @CrispieCake pointed out as children need both parents. Unless a parent has died there is no excuse for the NRP to opt out because one has decided it’s rather hard.

Do state boarding schools exist?

Thank you @crackofdoom for making sense. Everyone attacking the mum whilst going oh well, the dad is shit but never mind need to really question why they think it's ok for one parent to fuck off but the other is an evil specimen who deserves to be sterilised. Spoiler; it's sexism.

We demand women put their needs below everyone else's yet don't hold men accountable for anything. The mum here is clearly fucking knackered but instead of being furious at a society that lets men get away with being deadbeat trash, the anger is directed at a woman desperate for help

Yes, they do, and lots of them are very good schools. We have one near us.

I'm actually not against boarding and we might send DC boarding for a few years in the future, but boarding is an inappropriate option for a child in this situation imo. Firstly, boarding schools are not therapeutic institutions and, although children from difficult backgrounds do end up there, the staff are not really qualified to help them appropriately. Boarding school staff, although usually very good at their jobs, are an extremely poor parental substitute. Second, the type of child boarding works very well for imo is a confident, extroverted, independent child with secure parental bonds who is looking to get something in particular out of their boarding experience - often access to particular sporting and educational opportunities. Boarding should be entirely the child's choice and not forced on them by parental circumstances. Third, 11 is too young imo.