Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

[WhatWillHappenToTheDC]

It’s a relatives child.

The DC is 10. Has lived with the RP, their mother alone since they were 2. Seeing NRP Father for 2 nights EOWend and half the school holidays.

NRP agreed to have DC over Easter Holidays fulltime so RP could have some work done on the house.

RP has now said they do not want DC home and want to trial a switch of residency for awhile or wants to do 50/50 arrangement. NRP also does not want DC fulltime and wants to go back to previous arrangement.

Social Services are involved now due to the arguments and DCs school reporting it, but what will happen if neither parent wants to live with their child full time? Is there some sort of foster care where parents can still see DC?

I can't put myself forward to have the child as I live too far from them. Parents live around 7 miles from each other.

I once knew a family where the adults used to argue about who got up early with their four and six year olds in the morning, one of whom had SEN.

Dad would just refuse point blank to get up, so mum had to do it day after day.

Mum was so angry one day she decided that ‘two can play at that game’ and she didn’t get up either. They both stayed in bed all morning refusing to get up, no matter how much the children cried. The deputy head called round for a welfare check and when the door was eventually opened she found them distressed, still in their pyjamas, one in a dirty nappy, milk all over the kitchen floor, and the dog had done a poo on the sofa.

They were reported to social services, and nobody was cheering and clapping mum for standing up to the patriarchy and taking one for the sisterhood.

Actually @WhatWillHappenToTheDC , it likely doesn’t matter where you live if you are willing to take the child on , he can always move schools and it would be better than the current debacle for him to be with someone who is putting his needs first .

So why is she working full-time? Why can’t she go P/T? Presumably she’s getting some maintenance from the father? If her job is making her so exhausted, she’s thinking of offloading her own child, then surely she needs to drop her hours or find a more suitable job?

I feel so sorry for the little boy. Who gives a shit whether his dad is crap or not, or whether he takes him to school? She should be focussed on her child’s needs not her job, or trying to force the father to take on more than he sounds capable of. It’s so desperately sad.

Yes, being a single parent is hard, but fgs it’s her child! I just can’t understand it 😢

Poor child. The parents need to give their heads a wobble.

I don’t care who feel hard done by and feels they get less fun, tough. You had a child so bloody well look after them.

Both parents are being repulsive. Poor child stuck in the middle of two grown up idiots.

Newsflash…if you can’t be bothered to care for a child full time…don’t have a child.

@ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees

Mum may be burnt out and resent having do it all on her own but surely there are many other alternatives that could be considered - change of living arrangements, working hours, seeking additional help etc.
Did you even read the post? This is exactly what the mum is trying to do. Change the living arrangements so shit father takes some responsibility

He could, but he us not going to and the one hurting is the child. I would be telling my relative that she needs to get some therapy and try to deal with her resentment. It is harming a child and that child comes first. The dad is an arsenal clearly, but it doesn't make it ok to harm the child.

There isn't foster care so lazy ass parents can get time to themselves!

Jeez.

Foster care is for children who are in dire straits, Foster carers aren't a free Nannying service.

It is such a shit position for her to be in.

The reality is that society couldn't function if mothers were allowed to drop the ball in the same way as fathers are.

That's why we need to judge women who let the side down really, really harshly compared to men.

Poor little kid. The mother clearly had a pount, that facther is a feckless amd useless man - how can you have never done a school run in 10 years? But christ, you'd suck it up for you kid wouldnt you?

I'd bring the kid home and then get social services and the school and family to put extreme pressure on the useless father to make him step up more. But you cant use the poor 10y old as a face off pawn.

There is nothing that can be done legally or otherwise to make a parent ''step up'' if they don't want to .

No court will enforce it.

If no one wants this poor kid, he will end up in foster care permanently 'I'd guess.

''Can a father be forced to see his child?
It is not possible to force a parent to have contact with their child. If there's a court order in place and a parent is not taking up the contact granted to them, even then, it's unlikely that the court will force a parent to have contact.''

UK Law centre advice.

Obviously the father is more of a sperm donor than a real father. He's useless. BUT after dealing with this situation for 8 years, did you mother really think he would just wake up one day and be a decent parent? She knows what he's like, and she has to know that their child will absorb at least something of this situation, even if he doesn't fully grasp it all. I don't think she's acting in her child's best interests. As others have said, he's nearing the age where expensive after-hours care won't be necessary. It's a crappy thing to do to her kid, regardless of how horrible the father is.

All these comments just reflect what people really think of women in this society. What people really think of mothers.

You can birth a child. Raise a child. Do all the grunt work, the shitwork, work full time to keep your heads above water, lose your health, your sanity, be there for that child for ten years....

But never slip up. Because, if you ever do, you will be judged so harshly. Be "disgusting", a "piece of shit", no matter what the circumstances.

Dads? They know they're not the same. If they're not reading this thread, I'm sure they'll be hearing the same kind of thing from delightful examples of humanity like the posters on this thread. They know they can bail and the only response will be "Dads? Sheesh, what are you going to do?🤷‍♀️"

And then people wonder why they don't step up. Because they know they can go on their merry way unscathed while idiots like you lot are too busy tearing mum into pieces.

I think people are judging the mother overly harshly.

She's done way more than 50% of the work for more than 50% of 18 years. She's trying to force the child's father to step up and co-parent fairly - why isn't he the one being torn to shreds? Why is she also feckless?

When there are two parents who are alive, joint 50/50 care should be standard. It's often not, which is unfair for many reasons, but just because fairness is uncommon, why shouldn't this woman try for it?

Maybe this isn't the best way of pushing for 50/50 but honestly, what other avenues does she have? No court is going to force a man to look after his child 50/50 if he refuses. They might get him to pay more, but this isn't about the money.

I feel for the child, of course I do, but also the mum.

I suspect she sent the child to stay with the father over Easter and then having never caught a break in 10 years, suddenly realised how exhausted and burnt out she was. Sometimes we cope with more than we can handle until we stop... then we feel all of it, and we need time to recover.

She should be focussed on her child’s needs not her job

Presumably, she works to put a roof over her child's head, feed him, keep him warm, clothed, etc etc?

You win single patent bingo hands down. We're benefit scum if we don't work or don't care about our kids if we do.

No, we should judge them equally harshly. Both parents were equally shit.

When one parent is crap, the remaining parent has a choice. Do they step up and do the best they can in a shit and unfair situation, or do they think “I should be allowed to be equally selfish” and just leave their child to cope with the fallout?

The fact that women find themselves in this situation more often than men is a different issue really.

Yes, I did read the post.
No, it's not exactly what she is trying to do.
I'm talking about her living arrangements and working hours etc. Not his - he's useless.

There are many better ways of going about it that what she is doing.

A child so concerned that they told their school, who in turn told social services about it. A child who neither parent wants.

The father sounds pathetic but the mother knows that by now. He is not behaving in the best interests of the child.

The mother's manner of dealing with it is also damaging to the child.

Pair of fucking horrors.

That poor child.

He’s 10 years old…..

I'd reassess maintenence payment, minimise contact with useless fucking parent and use the extra money to pay for therapy for the child, they sound very vulnerable.

Perhaps instead of laws allowing men to become women there should be laws against men not doing 50/50 childcare. Don’t want 50/50 then pay for a full time nanny or go to jail. Seriously the woman has a point. Why should women bear the brunt of lower paid work and less pension so Rob or Richard can screw around, see their kids once per week and let everyone else pick up the bill?

@Anxiouslump . But we don't judge men equally harshly. Maybe we should but we judge women much more harshly. Imo this is because we'd be up shit creek without a paddle if women suddenly decided that they were not doing with this shit any longer. It needs to be pegged as something deeply reprehensible and unnatural for women to abandon their children, otherwise we'd be in a right mess.

Essentially, we need to ensure that women remain default. If they don't, we're fucked.

That's what everyone is arguing here (and tbh I don't disagree). The father may be shit or not, but it shouldn't matter because the mother should be there as default parent.

@WhatWillHappenToTheDC IMO The mum is being a bit silly here thinking that going to his Dad's for more time is going to be better for him. The child will be at secondary school soon. It;s going to get harder and harder to live between two houses and go between them during the week.

DS needs to do his maths homework at his Dad's? Oh it's at Mums house or he needs to pack it along with his PE kit, all the books for school, french homework, trainers etc. Then he swaps houses again and has to make sure he's not left it all there. Secondary school will be much easier for him if he's based in one house.

Doesn't look like Dad will step up so mum can help most by providing stable environment;.

It works until adolescence for boys, and then they need a good male role model.