To exclude one child from family holiday

[Mama1209]

I have a strained relationship with my eldest daughter. She basically lives with her grandparents. I try my hardest to make her feel loved, wanted & included. We have booked a summer holiday abroad this year. 6 of us in total so it’s not cheap. We have just been on a weekend break and she was a nightmare! Shouting and swearing calling me names in public etc. I don’t get it because she was really looking forward to it. It’s as soon as she doesn’t get her own way she kicks off. Now me and my husband will work hard all year to pay for this summer holiday and I don’t want her to ruin it for us and the other kids! AIBU to cancel her off? I feel like she would never forgive me and it would ruin any chance of building a stronger relationship so I’m torn!

I would suggest no big family holiday until you’ve spent time fixing things with the dd, getting her to a point where you can both appreciate spending some time together.
Lovebombing, family therapy, there will be a way to reconnect and learn how to trust each other again, and as the responsible adult it will have to
come from you.

She has deep seated issues that need to be resolved. I would prioritize spending time with her over a holiday.

Really? I find that unbelievable.

1. definitely don’t remove her from the holiday. That will be the end of any relationship you have or could have.
2. does she had adhd or autism? That behaviour of melting down when things don’t go as she expects is not always a sign of being spoilt, but can be a sign of not meeting the expectations she had. So she had an idea of what she thought your weekend break would be, and when it wasn’t like that she blamed you and shouted and swore at you. Perhaps discuss in advance what her expectations are, so she can have time to work through it if it’s not how she thought it would be. Also, make her aware of changes as they happen, let her help to make decisions - not get her own way, but listen to her voice and thoughts before coming to a decision and then explain that decision processs to her.
3. trauma can present in the same way as adhd or asd, so it could be that is what she is experiencing. Especially if she feels that your other children were replacing her or that you didn’t need her anymore. Trauma can be minimal to have maximal effect.

just a few things to consider if you really do want to move forward with a positive relationship with your daughter

Me and my husband are going to Turkey this year and our 16 and 19 year old aren't coming. Our youngest doesn't like the sun, we took them to Benidorm last year and 16 was too hot. 19 year old was happy. We are planning to go away on a city break with our 16 year old instead. 19 year old will go away with boyfriend and friend. I would try and do a trip with just eldest if you can.

If you think she has a disorder then maybe broach the subject of the GP with her?
My youngest is 14 and honestly, if not getting her way, she will be a downright bully. She’s undiagnosed but I think she has ADHD as I have it and her brother is also on the spectrum.

Thank you for all of your replies. I have had a text from my DD today asking for money! I can’t believe it! I’ve told her I’m still upset with her behaviour and she won’t apologise. She is now blaming my son saying when they argue I don’t defend her. I said we can talk about this in therapy, but in order to move forward she needs to apologise for the screaming and name calling to me in public but she will not.

The only reason I booked this holiday is because I know it’s probably the last year she will want to come as a full family. She’s excited, wants to come or I would never have booked it!

For all those people saying I jumped into bed with someone the minute her dad was in the e Grace this is not the case no matter how much you want it to be!! She was around 1 year old when I broke up with her dad. I met someone else and there is a 6yr age gap between her and my son! I was with my new partner for about 3 years before her dad died! Yes it was hard, she had the best counselling we could get her and it has never really stopped. I have had counselling. We have had family counselling.

from age 14, the bad behaviour got worse. She tells me now she was trying to fit in at school by rebelling. It did coincide with me getting pregnant with my 3rd child (15 yr age gap between her and my baby) but I’m not sure this is WHY her behaviour got worse, but I’m willing to take accountability for that. Had someone said to me “if you get pregnant your eldest daughter will get you” then obviously I wouldn’t have, but for people to tell me I should have aborted my poor innocent baby is absolutely diabolical and you should go to hell for suggesting that

I think a lot of her behaviour was typical teen stuff. Ie she was vaping drinking sneaking out etc. she chose to go to her grandparents (dads parents) who treat her like a princess and make sure she gets her own way. She will opening admit she wanted to be an only child. She has her own floor in their house, own bathroom, has her boyfriend over there etc etc so it suits her. After a few months of her living there, they saw what she was like and we have basically been struggling together Co parenting her. I am very close to them and they say the same thing “she’s only happy when she’s getting her own way”

I can’t understand why people keep saying spend more time with her when I have repeatedly said we do spend time together. Unless she comes to work with me and sleeps in my bed at night…I can’t spend possibly any more time with her than I am!! We do things together all the time and I speak to her over texts and phone nearly every hour of every day when the slightest inconvenience happens to her or she needs money/ a lift

I’ve given and continue to give my heart, soul, blood, sweat, tears and finances to try and help her/ our relationship so for people to accuse me of “shipping her off” is definitely projection/ ulterior motives on their end (odd behaviour) and I’d suggest those people try the counselling they keep telling me to get!

She doesn’t live with you. You aren’t parenting her. That’s the issue.

Sounds to me like you need to cancel the holiday and put the money towards some decent counselling and therapy for daughter before it's too late and you're visiting her in the jail.

She doesn’t live with me most of the time correct but I do parent her!! I take her to doctors and orthodontist appointments. Support her emotionally and financially. Go to meetings at college. Help her with her CV and job interview prep. Cook her food. Give her lifts, buy her clothes, take her on holiday, hang out together. Tell her I love her and how much I’d love her to live here all the time etc etc. Please just STOP trying to make things up to fit your own narrative.

She doesn’t live with you. Don’t kid yourself you’re the primary care giver. You outsource her bed every night. If you really think that isn’t the ultimate rejection you’re living on a different planet.

What are you talking about outsourced her bed lol her bed is here for her when and if she cares to grace us with her presence! She’s 17 she has a boyfriend and friends who she stays over with too. I don’t need her under my roof every night to parent her. Get a grip

She sounds incredibly spoilt and self centred. No surprise she wants to stay at her GPs if they give in to her. She wants money but refuses to apologise? Why do so many people think it’s acceptable to treat you like that, it’s bizarre.

She needs counselling. She's troubled

Why is location any consideration? It’s not about whether she wants to go or not

my 17 year old DS f**I’d up our blended holiday with his shitty behaviour last year. He won’t be coming this year. Or any other year unless he shows he’s matured, his behaviour has changed, and he deserves it. Currently, no

It's seems your daughter is very angry... This could be stemmed from loosing her father! And you developing a new relationship and having more children. Obviously, only natural for you but for this is a massive.
Have you tried family therapy? Just you and her.

It seems very difficult for both of you. You won't win either way! You're allowed a peaceful holiday however, excluding her will only impact her more and push her further way from you.

The poor girl. An awful experience for you too! I'm sorry you're going through this!

This is years of neglect. Shes been let down by her primary care givers since birth.

You'll never please some people OP. When they asked if you spent time with her, you said yes, then it was how much time, you answered it was a lot, then it was but is it just the two of you, again yes, then but is it quality time...... it won't end.

You know you've done what you thought was best and are still trying.
Coming on here looking for help is still trying.
I know kids who were thrown out of home at 16 and their rooms taken away.
She on the other hand has a home/bed at yours and knows she's welcome there anytime.

Teens can be a nightmare but hopefully it's a phase.

Don't give her money if she won't apologise.

Could it be that there's never been any consequences to her behaviour thus it carrying on?

If she knows she can get away with stuff by going to her grans and coming back when you've calmed down, then she won't change.

There needs to be consequences to bad behaviour.

I agree that bad behaviour needs consequences but I still think the underlying issues here are emotional trauma (sense of rejection, abandonment).

She is now blaming my son saying when they argue I don’t defend her
This jumped out at me - this is someone who feels like a second-class child. You've given her so much, but something is missing - an unmet emotional need - and until you recognise this she won't be able to heal.

Are you on the wrong thread lol let down since birth?! What?!

Yes, I’m beginning to think there are serial trolls on here because some of the things posted about “should have aborted your new baby” and “she’s been let down since birth” are complete evil lies

She plays me and the grandparents off against each other a lot

I missed the one where someone you said you should have aborted..I hope they got reported, that's a terrible thing to say

She sounds like she's suffering from a lot of trauma that needs the help of a therapist.

Think about it from her perspective, dad passed away, mum has remarried with 3 more kids, mum has accepted her living with grandparents. She probably feels horrendously pushed out and the nasty behaviour is a cry for help. Perhaps subconsciously you see her as the black sheep and she has picked up on this.

17 IS young and still a child, some 17 year olds are far more mature than others. Her brain is not fully developed yet and she is responding to trauma the only way she knows how. If you exclude her from a family holiday you will affirm to her that she is indeed the black sheep. Instead of a family holiday, may I suggest spending the money on a good family therapist. This needs to be unpacked before it becomes even more toxic for your entire family.

This is also unfair on her grandparents who probably want to enjoy their retirement without all of this stress!

So she had two loving caring parents as she entered the world who put her needs ahead of all else through her early year?

Yes until one died and she has the other and extended family who have walked over hot coals to ensure she is damaged as little as possible through this nightmare