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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To exclude one child from family holiday

343 replies

Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:03

I have a strained relationship with my eldest daughter. She basically lives with her grandparents. I try my hardest to make her feel loved, wanted & included. We have booked a summer holiday abroad this year. 6 of us in total so it’s not cheap. We have just been on a weekend break and she was a nightmare! Shouting and swearing calling me names in public etc. I don’t get it because she was really looking forward to it. It’s as soon as she doesn’t get her own way she kicks off. Now me and my husband will work hard all year to pay for this summer holiday and I don’t want her to ruin it for us and the other kids! AIBU to cancel her off? I feel like she would never forgive me and it would ruin any chance of building a stronger relationship so I’m torn!

OP posts:
ElleLeopine · 07/04/2024 16:04

How old is she?

LegoDeathTrap · 07/04/2024 16:04

Is she 8 or 18?

rubyslippers · 07/04/2024 16:04

How old is she?

Jessforless · 07/04/2024 16:04

Her age is really crucial

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 07/04/2024 16:06

Totally age dependent.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:09

She is 17

OP posts:
oakleaffy · 07/04/2024 16:10

Age is absolutely critical.

oakleaffy · 07/04/2024 16:11

Crosspost-
17 is very old to be holidaying with parents, I stopped going at 15 while younger sibs went.

misszebra · 07/04/2024 16:11

don't bring her with you. would be a horrid time for you and you clearly deserve the break - maybe missing out will teach her a lesson and she'll change her tune in the future. but do not back down for this one.

LolaSmiles · 07/04/2024 16:12

She's 17.
How long have you been with your husband? Are the other 3 children from your new relationship?

purpleme12 · 07/04/2024 16:13

Not sure what I'd decide on this one.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 07/04/2024 16:13

How long has she been living with her grandparents, is your dh her dad, are the other kids her full siblings?

ontheflighttosingapore · 07/04/2024 16:16

Last holiday our eldest came on was 16yrs old and she was horrible. We didn't take her again until this year she is coming now 23 and much nicer

oakleaffy · 07/04/2024 16:17

If she makes the holiday all about her it will spoil it for everyone.
It sounds like she has jealousy/ anger issues, maybe thinking the younger sibs are favourites?

Especially if your husband isn’t her dad.

It’s rare to live with grandparents unless there has been a real breakdown in the relationship.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:17

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 07/04/2024 16:13

How long has she been living with her grandparents, is your dh her dad, are the other kids her full siblings?

Sadly her dad died many years ago so they are half siblings

OP posts:
HurryupHenry · 07/04/2024 16:18

I agree that this could be the end of any potential relationship although understand why you would want to leave her. Some 17 year olds are absolute arseholes.

What are the circumstances of her living with her Grandmother? Who’s idea was it and how have you managed your relationship since she’s been there?

Can you talk to her about expectations?

Letsgocamping67 · 07/04/2024 16:20

I wouldn’t take her she lost that right kicking off on the weekend trip. She will ruin it for all of you.

Zanatdy · 07/04/2024 16:21

At 17 if she’s going to kick off on holiday she would be staying at home

Alwaysalwayscold · 07/04/2024 16:21

I would leave her at home. If she's 17 now she must be close to 18 by the time of your summer holiday, that's too old to be going on family holidays and ruining them.

Silvergreenblue · 07/04/2024 16:22

oakleaffy · 07/04/2024 16:11

Crosspost-
17 is very old to be holidaying with parents, I stopped going at 15 while younger sibs went.

I wouldn't have passed up a free holiday at that age. After 18 I didn't go on all family holidays. These days if I was offered a free holiday I'd jump at the chance! 😀

Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:24

HurryupHenry · 07/04/2024 16:18

I agree that this could be the end of any potential relationship although understand why you would want to leave her. Some 17 year olds are absolute arseholes.

What are the circumstances of her living with her Grandmother? Who’s idea was it and how have you managed your relationship since she’s been there?

Can you talk to her about expectations?

It’s been a gradual thing. She always went there at weekends, but from about age 14 her behaviour got worse and worse, so she started staying there more. Grandparents, school & college have the same issues with her. She has actually matured (or so I thought) recently and we have been getting on better but maybe this weekend was just too much all together. She says some really awful things about transgender & immigration issues too which she loved to spout about in front of the younger children. I obviously corrected her and explained that although it’s ok to have an opinion, you don’t use that kind of offensive language. I think she has a personality disorder or something. All I did was ask her politely to get into the car and she shouted at me”shut the F up you Fcking Sag” in the middle of a busy area in front of the younger kids and some of our friends!

OP posts:
SiobhanSharpe · 07/04/2024 16:25

Yeah, at 17/18 DS would pass on a family holiday to France but definitely not one to the Caribbean or Disney in Florida. Where are you going?
That night be a big factor.
(Mind you if her behaviour doesn't show signs of improvement and she's all meh about coming -- don't bring her.)

CeeceeBloomingdale · 07/04/2024 16:26

My 17yo is still happily holidaying with us so I don't think it's too old although I stopped holidaying with my parents at 16. I'd give her an ultimatum. Talk about how the weekend went, what could have been better. Listen to what she says. Then ask her about the holiday you have booked and if she still wants to go based on the weekend experience. If she does make it clear that the behaviour she displayed will not be tolerated and you will send her home alone on a flight but if she spoils it. Listen to her as well though, she probably feels out of things living separately, included her in planning etc.

waterrat · 07/04/2024 16:26

I think this is not about the holiday and it sounds like she either has serious MH issues or has suffered huge trauma (lost her dad - you have new husband and kids - was she supported/ does she feel pushed out???

I hate these sort of conversations on mumsnet as people weigh in with short bits of advice and clearly there is a bucket load of family trauma going on.

ghostyslovesheets · 07/04/2024 16:28

I had a difficult relationship with my eldest and she spent lots of time with her dad - she stopped coming on holiday with me at about 15 as she 'hated' my holidays (Eurocamp) but her dad did AI in nice resorts - we have a great relationship now though.

For me, what stands out from reading, she's been bereaved and 'replaced' and I am guessing their is a fair amount of anger being processed. You keep mentioning 'in front of the kids' so maybe the first step is to spend quality time JUST with her - not dragging her half siblings along so your attention is not on her - she probably needs some1-1 with you. No I wouldn;t take her away with your new family - it would make you both miserable.