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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To exclude one child from family holiday

343 replies

Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:03

I have a strained relationship with my eldest daughter. She basically lives with her grandparents. I try my hardest to make her feel loved, wanted & included. We have booked a summer holiday abroad this year. 6 of us in total so it’s not cheap. We have just been on a weekend break and she was a nightmare! Shouting and swearing calling me names in public etc. I don’t get it because she was really looking forward to it. It’s as soon as she doesn’t get her own way she kicks off. Now me and my husband will work hard all year to pay for this summer holiday and I don’t want her to ruin it for us and the other kids! AIBU to cancel her off? I feel like she would never forgive me and it would ruin any chance of building a stronger relationship so I’m torn!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:09

ohthejoys21 · 07/04/2024 17:07

Can you talk to her and explain how you'd love her to come but are worried doe to your recent trip? You really don't want her to feel unwanted. My adult children in their 20's still come away with us (we pay) so even if she didn't come it would hurt not to be asked.

Yes, I think once I’ve calmed down and got over the upset of this weekend, I will need to sit down and speak to her about it. I love you all still holiday with your grown up children. I’d like that too for my family.

OP posts:
Pickledf · 07/04/2024 17:13

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as this is it not in the spirit of the site.

Scarletttulips · 07/04/2024 17:14

I haven’t taken mine since they were 15/17

They now go with friends and have a fab time. I go with DH and have a fab time.

I think it’s time you grew a backbone and let her know how much she’s upset you.

Have you had her assessed? She could be masking.

ohthejoys21 · 07/04/2024 17:17

Yes absolutely speak to her. 17 is such a hard age.. it really does get easier when they appreciate you more in around 3/4 years time. I'm told I was a nightmare too. I'm not so sure our adult kids and their partners would come if it wasn't on us!!

givebeesachance · 07/04/2024 17:20

oakleaffy · 07/04/2024 16:11

Crosspost-
17 is very old to be holidaying with parents, I stopped going at 15 while younger sibs went.

Wow this is so sad

princessbeetroot · 07/04/2024 17:20

You come across as very unable to hear any criticism of your parenting. And very unable to take any responsibility or accountability for how this situation has turned out.

Your poor daughter had an abusive father who subsequently died. You moved on and had a new relationship and new children in the mix of that and at crucial times in her development. Now you are worried that you holiday is going to be ruined more than you are worried that your relationship with your daughter is going to be ruined?

Your daughter might be a bloody nightmare, a lot of teenagers are, but she is a product of a lot of trauma and your parenting. Which you clearly don't want to hear, but it doesn't make it not true.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 07/04/2024 17:21

Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:17

Sadly her dad died many years ago so they are half siblings

Show quote history

Ah. I imagine this is the root of the problem.

Londonrach1 · 07/04/2024 17:22

At 17 living elsewhere don't understand why she's not included in a family holiday. However you need to talk to her. You might find she wants to come in which case you have to take her

Confrontayshunme · 07/04/2024 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

xSideshowAuntSallyx · 07/04/2024 17:23

So she lost her father twice, once when he went to prison and then when he died. You have gone on to have more children whilst shunting her off to live with her grandparents because she's not behaving the way you like.

My guess is she's desperate for attention, any attention will do. If you're shouting at her you're giving her attention

TwigletsAndRadishes · 07/04/2024 17:24

ghostyslovesheets · 07/04/2024 16:28

I had a difficult relationship with my eldest and she spent lots of time with her dad - she stopped coming on holiday with me at about 15 as she 'hated' my holidays (Eurocamp) but her dad did AI in nice resorts - we have a great relationship now though.

For me, what stands out from reading, she's been bereaved and 'replaced' and I am guessing their is a fair amount of anger being processed. You keep mentioning 'in front of the kids' so maybe the first step is to spend quality time JUST with her - not dragging her half siblings along so your attention is not on her - she probably needs some1-1 with you. No I wouldn;t take her away with your new family - it would make you both miserable.

good post.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

This is like my daughter. She’s lovely if she’s getting her own way, but if not, that’s when the behaviour starts! Obviously we can’t all get our own way 100% of the time so it’s inevitable she will create on holiday. It’s how we deal with it thats the question. I just ignored her today as I was that angry and humiliated if I’d of reacted I would have done/ said something I’d regret

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:26

xSideshowAuntSallyx · 07/04/2024 17:23

So she lost her father twice, once when he went to prison and then when he died. You have gone on to have more children whilst shunting her off to live with her grandparents because she's not behaving the way you like.

My guess is she's desperate for attention, any attention will do. If you're shouting at her you're giving her attention

She was only a baby and it was only for a few weeks. I don’t tend to shout at her to be honest but maybe I should!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:27

Londonrach1 · 07/04/2024 17:22

At 17 living elsewhere don't understand why she's not included in a family holiday. However you need to talk to her. You might find she wants to come in which case you have to take her

Edited

She is included on all holidays

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:28

princessbeetroot · 07/04/2024 17:20

You come across as very unable to hear any criticism of your parenting. And very unable to take any responsibility or accountability for how this situation has turned out.

Your poor daughter had an abusive father who subsequently died. You moved on and had a new relationship and new children in the mix of that and at crucial times in her development. Now you are worried that you holiday is going to be ruined more than you are worried that your relationship with your daughter is going to be ruined?

Your daughter might be a bloody nightmare, a lot of teenagers are, but she is a product of a lot of trauma and your parenting. Which you clearly don't want to hear, but it doesn't make it not true.

Not at all, people are making things up to fit their own narrative and I’m correcting them with facts :)

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 07/04/2024 17:34

Firstly, lots of 'children' act up at that age. They think they know it all. I certainly did.
There are clearly deep issues going on here as she's been living with her grandparents.

I absolutely would not leave her out, unless you want to cause irreparable damage to your relationship.

Talk to her. Tell her you're a family, you love her but the negative behaviour 100% won't be tolerated.

I feel sorry for her. She's been through an awful lot in her young years.

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 07/04/2024 17:38

Did it never cross your mind to think - when she was 14, kicking off, being sent off to her dgps because your relationship was so fractured - I have a child who is kicking off because they are in a world of pain, with the family history she needs me now more than ever as she enters her difficult teen years, and having a 3rd child that is going to take me even more away from her is perhaps not a good idea?

You must have seen this coming and the choices you have made were not in your first child's best interests and she feels every one of them every day. Time to put her first for a change. Is it possible for the two of you to holiday alone where she is put first for a change to try to get a break through?

WhatADayToHaveEyes · 07/04/2024 17:39

I can’t understand why you are getting such a hard time here OP I’m sorry.

from what I understand:

  1. you split from her dad due to DV. Understandable and pushed for on every DV thread. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your daughter.
  2. you met someone new. Understandable and again, people are always saying on threads that you deserve a life after a break up etc. Setting up a new relationship and family is normal. Only you know if that was an appropriate time to do so?
  3. your ex then died. Tragic for your DD but not your fault. Are people like Pickledf expecting you to have ditched your DH and other child at this point to solely raise DD?
  4. ? years later, when you were pregnant again, DD has been struggling and eventually has made the choice to spend more time at her grandparents. Were you supposed to get a termination and ditch the husband and child at this point to focus on DD alone I wonder? Maybe Pickledf can elaborate on when this should have all been timed perfectly…
waterrat · 07/04/2024 17:42

THis isn't a criticism of you OP = and who am I to have an opinion on your life anyway! I just think that it sounds like she has lived through multiple adverse childhood experiences (growing up with domestic abuse, father in prison, he died, new family, breakdown of family)

It is absolutely to be expected that during hormonal teen years she might be on a bigger rollercoaster than others.

Shouting, swearing is horrible - but have you read the book 'The body holds the score" Its really interesting - children who have exerpeinced trauma basically live in a permanent state of high alert - their minds believe that everyone is a risk to them - the unexpected can happen in a bad way at any moment to them.

I think the point made above was sensible - sit and talk to her and say look we want you to come, what would make it work for you

Does she need a lot of time to herself ? a room of her own? lots of space?

WhatADayToHaveEyes · 07/04/2024 17:43

I think you need to sit her down and explain that you would love her to join your holiday as she is very much a part of your family and you’d feel sad about her not being there but that this weekend away seems to have been emotionally tough for her so does she think she can handle a longer holiday with you?

If so, could you agree to ground rules around respect and consequences to breaking them? Try to approach it as two adults trying to work something out to make the holiday easier for everyone.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:43

Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 07/04/2024 17:38

Did it never cross your mind to think - when she was 14, kicking off, being sent off to her dgps because your relationship was so fractured - I have a child who is kicking off because they are in a world of pain, with the family history she needs me now more than ever as she enters her difficult teen years, and having a 3rd child that is going to take me even more away from her is perhaps not a good idea?

You must have seen this coming and the choices you have made were not in your first child's best interests and she feels every one of them every day. Time to put her first for a change. Is it possible for the two of you to holiday alone where she is put first for a change to try to get a break through?

First of all she didn’t get “sent” anywhere! She chooses to go there as and when she wants. Secondly, we are a family. I don’t just put one persons needs first. Although yes, there’s times when obviously I have put her needs first a lot more due to what happened. It’s a balancing act of trying to do what is best for us all as much as I can. Finally, I don’t know how many times I need to say this, but obviously once more for you- we do things alone together often. We have been to counselling etc and had had many breakthroughs. Then when she does not get her own way she shouts and swears at me like this.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2024 17:45

Every detail that gets added just adds to the list of things that will have caused your daughter to feel unstable and insecure. Prison, separation, parental death, remarriage, and half siblings are a lot to have dealt with in her young life.

what she needs most is a mother that proves she is loved unconditionally. How much time are you spending with her each week? Are you in joint counseling together?

I would not cancel her from the trip. It will be the final nail in the coffin and you will lose her forever. You are already at risk of losing her. You need to act now because the window is closing.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:49

Ponderingwindow · 07/04/2024 17:45

Every detail that gets added just adds to the list of things that will have caused your daughter to feel unstable and insecure. Prison, separation, parental death, remarriage, and half siblings are a lot to have dealt with in her young life.

what she needs most is a mother that proves she is loved unconditionally. How much time are you spending with her each week? Are you in joint counseling together?

I would not cancel her from the trip. It will be the final nail in the coffin and you will lose her forever. You are already at risk of losing her. You need to act now because the window is closing.

She doesn’t even know about the prison spell. Yes joint counselling but not at present, but after this weekend I think we definitely need to take it back up. Maybe that will help us both to feel more confident about the holiday. I definitely don’t want to cancel her form it I wouldn’t enjoy it as I’d be feeling guilty the whole time for leaving her out. I couldn’t do it but believe me I did think about it at the time when she was shouting and swearing at me in public!

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 07/04/2024 17:50

Agree with some of the above posts. It seems to point to her feeling unwanted in the overall scheme of things. Not saying you made her feel that way, but we are all capable of getting the wrong end of a one-ended stick.

Perhaps don't take her on the holiday with the younger half siblings, but could you do something with just her one weekend, and see how that goes?

InactionIsAWeaponOfMassDestruction · 07/04/2024 17:54

WhatADayToHaveEyes · 07/04/2024 17:39

I can’t understand why you are getting such a hard time here OP I’m sorry.

from what I understand:

  1. you split from her dad due to DV. Understandable and pushed for on every DV thread. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your daughter.
  2. you met someone new. Understandable and again, people are always saying on threads that you deserve a life after a break up etc. Setting up a new relationship and family is normal. Only you know if that was an appropriate time to do so?
  3. your ex then died. Tragic for your DD but not your fault. Are people like Pickledf expecting you to have ditched your DH and other child at this point to solely raise DD?
  4. ? years later, when you were pregnant again, DD has been struggling and eventually has made the choice to spend more time at her grandparents. Were you supposed to get a termination and ditch the husband and child at this point to focus on DD alone I wonder? Maybe Pickledf can elaborate on when this should have all been timed perfectly…

Agree with this. Yes your daughter has experienced trauma. So have you. And to a previous pp listing all the negative things you’ve shown her, surely an important life lesson is that yes trauma happens, and you can come out the other side and live a fulfilling life.

i think you’re unfairly getting a hard time here OP. Going back to therapy sounds like a great idea for both of you.

Hang in there.