DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

OP have a look on the TES website, it advertises jobs in schools-exam season is fast approaching and many schools need exam invigilators for May & June to supervise GCSEs and A levels. It's not glamorous or well paid but it's a start & you can get yr foot in the door of a local school. Might lead to other opportunities....& you'll still have Summer holidays free to hatch a plan for September. I've been a SAHM for 20 years-worked my arse off! Is depressing to think how little money I'll be earning but I do voluntary work as well which is rewarding.

Many people work in the evenings when the children are small to get around the problems you have if it's a day time position / school holiday time off etc.
I couldn't do this as my dh worked away a lot for weeks on end and I didn't have any one to care for them , but if his around that might work as some shifts might not start till 7 pm.
It's a foot in the door at least doing it that way to start with, but depends what is around in your area and how easy it is to get to and so on.

Frankly I think a lot of longer term SAHP get used to doing things with fuss and/or at a niiiiiice leisurely pace and can't even comprehend that a lot of what they do is either unnecessary or can be done in a great deal less time. You can certainly see this with my parents, who having been retired a decade have long lost sight of the idea that tasks can be done any way other than one at a time, with maximum fuss. "Work expands to fill the time available" is very true, IME.

I won't soon forget the SAHM of school-aged DC on here for whom one of the reasons she couldn't possibly work was that "the online shop arrives on Wednesday and needs put away". The online shop, FFS.

Get a job. Lazy and entitled not to.

@Macadamiamama

With comfortable earnings he is allready making why doesn't he provide paid support help at home such as proffessional cleaner and home etc help then?

Make life easier in some ways for you and family
Make family work life balance better then?

So you don't feel so pressurised as a family unit

especially going to work idea yourself etc

What a load of bull.

DD gets a 'decent breakfast' every morning of porridge or scrambled egg and toast or omelette. None of these take more than 10 mins to make.

'Decent pack lunch' - sandwich, fruit, veg, cheese or yoghurt and water in the bottle. I defy anyone to turn making that in to more than a 5 minute task.

From the age of 5/6 your kids should be capable of getting themselves washed and dressed and they don't need to take much to school so bags are pretty much ready to go without any intervention in the morning.

So there's absolutely no way you could possibly be spending 2 hours in the morning doing that.

Within that 2 hour window there's plenty of time to get yourself ready, wash up breakfast stuff, run the hoover/mop around if needed.

A 'decent dinner' takes no more time to cook than what I assume you believe to be an indecent dinner.

Chicken breast on one tray, brocolli and cauliflower on another, season as desired and put in oven for 30 minutes, add microwave rice. Prep 5 minutes, cooking time 30 minutes, serve.

If you choose to make your life difficult and time consuming then that's your choice, but don't make out it's not possible to provide healthy food and a clean house while also working and having downtime.

I agree with @C152.

And being a working mum is often a completely different gig to being a working dad.

If you get a job with any degree of challenge, you'll be running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to juggle everything while Mr Corporate swans in and out, loftily above such matters as clean PE kit and dirty breakfast bowls.

Of course he should do his share if you're now splitting the breadwinning. But he won't, will he?

Working is a good idea because you will have your own income and pension. Being dependent financially on a bloke makes you very vulnerable. Investigate before and after school care, holiday care etc because once you start work you will need it. Make it clear that you aren't paying for all of that yourself. Then decide what career you want. Research what training may be useful, and if there are any courses you can do before September to develop your skills and experiences. Then start to apply with a view to starting a job on September. Value your own worth. He's a solicitor with a great job? So what. You too could do that or be that. Infact you can be whatever you want. And being a solicitor with a great job doesn't mean he gets to shirk his responsibilities. Those kids are his too. His when they need feeding, taking to school or entertaining.

The way I see it:

If the household is struggling financially and you need the other funds to maintain a reasonable standard of living, you should pull your socks up.

However, if he's on a decent salary (80k+) rinse him in the divorce, take his house and he'll learn to be careful what he wishes for, lol!

It really depends on how much you think the household is struggling, OP.

It's about individual people and choices, I don't see why a well paid lawyer needs to pressure you.

Because it’s his choice whether or not he funds her not working, and he’s decided he doesn’t want to. Individual people and choices, like you say.

You have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life because your husband has worked non stop for the past 9 years.

I expect he would like to have time to spend at home and with his kids too sometimes, but he had to give that up so you could be at home.

It doesn't matter if you only bring in an extra tenner a week, it's time for you to step up too.

It's also in your own best interests.
What happens if your relationship breaks down in another 9 years and you have a nearly 20 year gap since you last worked with no experience, no up to date skills and no way to support yourself?
The older you are, the harder it is to get back into work so starting now is easier than starting in another few years.

Very few people nowadays have the luxury to only pick a job that suits them, that they love and that pays well.
You need to just get on with it, make it through the next few years of childcare taking most of your wages (but your pension being added to and your skills being up to date) knowing that soon enough, the childcare years will be over and you will be able to get a payrise while your costs go down a little.

It's also setting a really good example to your children.
What you do matters.

You are being very short sighted here. Grab this opportunity to work your way into the career you desire... You are in a very enviable position to this now whilst the pressure to earn is off and you can juggle part-time. Make sure you ring fence that time for your career as kids grow quickly - it doesn't seem like it at the time, but the years fly past. You do not want to be older, less confident, zero experience, woman expected to be the one on hand to do all the household chores -(which in time, you will feel so resentful of). Yes, life will be full on in the moment, but you are investing in yourself, in your family.

So I say grab this opportunity. This is exciting. You husband sounds supportive. He also sounds stressed, which is terrible for his health and remember you are completely relying on him atm. Give it a try, you can always adjust as you go along. Be a team with your husband. I actually do think this is in your best interest, especially if you apply a bit of vision and drive to whatever direction /goal you set yourself - your future self will thank you.

(PS Since our second child I've had the privilege to work part-time (best of both worlds, completely manic when the kids are young I grant you, but I got to see them grow). And once they were up a bit, back to full time, which I am so grateful for.

Working towards your own financial independence is an absolutely priceless opportunity. Bite the bullet I say, it is in your best interest in the long run.

You need to ensure that you aren’t the one making all the compromises if you get a job, so it’s not always you that takes leave if one of the dc is sick, for example. However, you need to understand your finances: if he’s so well paid, how come you never have holidays? Do you even know his salary/what’s left on the mortgage? If not, is he financially controlling you?

I agree with pp, there is no reason why you can’t get a job if the dc are at school, that’s an awfully long time being home alone otherwise.

Hoppinggreen · Today 10:52

You arent a suit wearing lawyer, you married one.

Exactly. There's a bit of wanting the reflected glory, methinks.

You could always train as a lawyer, OP. 😁

Wow

I can see both point of views but there is something I don't understand:

Your partner is a 'well paid lawyer' in London yet you don't take any holidays and it sounds like you have a property that doesn't give a lot of space for kids.

You currently have no childcare cost or a cleaner, as you do everything, so where exactly is the money going?

I would sit down with your partner and have a frank conversation about this and start agreeing a joint plan to get you back to work but also look at the current family finances in details.

I can see that it is a good suggestion for you to find work.

But you might have to do some training or even voluntary work to get some experience and references first if you have been away from the workplace for years before you can get something so he needs to understand that.

He also need to grasp that if you work then you are no longer able to provide all the childcare and do all the housework and that means he will have to pul this weight and that there is also a cost associated to child care.

It sounds to me like a rather unequal relationship from the outside. It should be a partnership that benefit both parents, not just him controlling everything and always getting the best deal...

Yep, you are being superior and unreasonably so. What kind of job do you expect to walk into when you haven’t worked for 9 years and by the sounds of it not that much work experience? You have been supported for 9 years, lm not surprised he’s sick of it especially with the cost of living crisis. But he needs to realise things will need to change got him as well, as he will need to do more round the house and with the children. He can’t have it both ways

@Macadamiamama sadly not just your H who’s a bit of a dick head, MN is awash with them these days

if your dumb ass H won’t help around the house or with the kids, how does he think this work malarkey will benefit the home/kids?

waitresses and coffee shop people work early/late and some weekends, how does he propose to support that?

you do need to protect yourself and your situation, this is highly unbalanced

if your dc are only now at reception, the only time you have available is VERY short. You should look at becoming a TA, but even then there will be inset days etc to cover

im all for women empowering themselves and getting back to work if that is what they want/need to do, but it’s a FAMILY decision and adjustments need to be made by everyone. He will need to step up as a parent / man to do his share

I think you'd find that getting a job would help a lot with your confidence once you've got over the initial hurdle.

@shepherdsangeldelight

The DH being around bit is the point I was making. I think a lot of posters missed the bit in the opening post that the ops dh is not intending to pitch in at all. He doesn't seem to realise that there is any work at involved in being a sahp to school age dc. Like many posters on this thread don't. And still don't, given some of the pointless defensive outrage at my post.

I think the dh just needs laying out for him, how much extra he would need to pick up depending on the hours the op does.

When I was a sahm, I always thought the person who benefitted the most out of it was my working husband, because I got absolutely everything done whilst he was at work. He could just come home and play cricket in the garden with his dc if he wanted. He didn't know anything about if they'd done their hw or not, who mowed the lawn etc etc he didn't need to worry about any of it.

Thank you for the breakdown of your day. I'd always wondered how the complete sahp parent role plus full time work would actually break down, but I see you can achieve it by cycling to school (I guess school have a bike rack), having a hands on Co-parent, and picking up more of the errands at weekends. My point is to make sure the dh is aware of that.

I have worked myself when the children were small etc , but I don't agree with posters who feel being at home with children or babies are lazy ( be that a male or a female )
It's actually hard going.
the stay at home v working parents has been done to death on mumsnet and I can see both sides of the arguments and I've known people who had children and never worked much since.
It's their business.
You also need your partner or husband on board 100 percent for childcare and pitching in and that can be as tricky too for many for all manner of reasons. Many have family around and I was always envious of those people with on tap childcare for free! They seemed to thrive.
The work place isn't designed for people with children in the UK mostly due to costs , but that's just my opinion. I feel it's going backwards in terms of help available.
( as the ' pregnant and screwed ' article lady who was on lbc pointed out the other week)

The competition for TA's is brutal. I know a teacher who trained at Cambridge uni who have been turned down for TA positions. It's also paid monopoly money and for that pittance you are expected to be able to withstand boundless physical and mental abuse.

I genuinely find it shocking how many women still believe having a baby entitles them to never work again. It feels like an attitude that should’ve gone out with the 50s.

Your husband doesn't appear to earn that much money. Do you actually know how much your husband earns and if you have savings?

It is very telling that when you did WFH, you still had to do the kids and housework. What was the story there? Did you get childcare, or did you try to work and look after your own children simultaneously, thus short-changing both parties? Your husband doesn't have to bring his kids to work, so if you did, why did this happen?

I think your husband wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants you to earn money and be his childcare and housekeeper. He's choosing jobs where you get paid for your time, rather than advanced skills, so he can timetable you into doing housework and childcare, as you have a "token" job. This means the alpha can come home with his briefcase in the evenings and be fussed over and fed.

You will become de-skilled over time and if your marriage ends, you will be poor. I feel concerned that you have a degree, yet consider yourself to have little to offer. Did you feel this way before you were married? I think you should get professional career advice. I think you should consider your role within this household.

I guess the less you do the more everything seems like work. An ordinary task that most people don’t even think about or do in 10 minutes inbetween something else becomes a huge task. Like a decent breakfast and walking to school and back.