DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

Which industry were you thinking about?

What????? You wear (gasp!) - a uniform!! How very dare you! 😂

What do you actually want to do? Look into that first. Yes I think it’s time to go to work and have something for you. I love the independence of my own money etc and it made life much easier. But he needs to pay for a cleaner/after school clubs if your full time. Many people go to work in uniform roles as you describe because they work around the children. Personally I would look at retraining or companies that offer roles that you can work your way up in. He does need to help with cost for retraining if possible I think!

The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing

I dont get much money but hey ho, what I do get is a feeling of self worth. I earn my own money, I dont have to rely on anyone else to buy me my things, I couldnt imagine relying on my husband for my clothes, cosmetics, hair cuts etc not when Im fit and capable to go out and earn. ( yes he has supported me in the past through periods when Ive not worked and I never had to ask, I have a card for his account )

I also have confidence and a wide circle of friends from being out of the house and meeting people

Im a lunchtime waitress, 11 -3 or 12-4 depending, so Ive plenty of time in the mornings and evenings to still care for my mum, still manage to keep a dog, have time for my hobbies as well as the housework I do because my DH does his share as well.

I only work 16 hrs a week because of my caring responsibilities having to fit around mum but the pay isnt bad, tips are better and it makes a huge difference to our finances

I’ve done both and plenty of other jobs. They’re much more stressful than being a SAHM to school age kids, yes, but less stressful than loads of other jobs.

You leave both behind you at the end of the day, they don’t involve life and death, you tend to work as part of a team. Being a carer, or TA for similar money, is far more stressful and carries more responsibility.

You need to decide what type of job you want. Either go for pt and hours to fit around children or ft and him have to co parent. He’ll be in a much better position than you to work flexibly with a more senior job and longer service.
Things to think about - school drop off and pick up and after school care.
School holiday care.
If child is sick and unable to go to school.
Appointments eg dentist, optician, hairdresser.
Taking children to activities.
Housework and cooking.
Lots of jobs come with training opportunities eg look at jobs in local government.

It's not just being available for work that can cause problems but I found the school holidays and various days off they have a pain to work around. If the school offers wrap around care that is usually only available during school hours / days and not all year round.
Holiday clubs are expensive and your Dh will have to accept you might not be able to afford this on your wages ( at first , anyway )
If you have family available to help out that might work, but your Dh must realize he'll have to do more than he currently does in order for you to be able to work during the day.
I'm not suggesting it's not possible, but I have the impression he'll expect you to pick up the slack for every thing and not realize you may not be around on bank holidays ( for example) as you may have to work ( especially if you go into retail or hospitality sectors ) He'll have to care for the children more than he does now.
I feel for a lot of men it may come as a bit of a shock , but if he wants you out earning money then that's how it'll be.

I think there’s a lot going on with your post, and I’m not going to pile on with the “uniform” comments etc, as there are deeper issues.

Its reasonable that you get a job and contribute financially - but are people missing the parts where you say he won’t change anything about his schedule and won’t help support you in any education which might help finding a job easier…?

There are so many red flags in this post!

Your husband is rarely home, takes on non of the mental load and very very little domestic labour. Yet expects you to get a job when your child starts school and make no adjustments to his life. Wtaf?!

This isn’t a partnership! I think you should get a job. For your own benefit - mentally, socially and for some financial independence. However I imagine he will expect you to still sort all childcare (and no doubt pay for it out of your wage), and still expects all the mental load and domestic labour to fall to you as well. That’s unreasonable. Refusing to support you in education is also unreasonable. It’s not “taking money away from the kids” - what an ignorant short sighted view! Upping your skills and education means you’re more likely to enter into a career which will have much greater long term benefits that some of the jobs he is suggesting.

It seems like your husband has some very outdated views about gender roles whilst also wanting to have his cake and eat it.

It seems like a serious discussion is needed where you can sit down and get on the same page, and get some mutual support in place, if he wants you to work again.

I don't think he's expecting her to walk into a high salary job. OP has mentioned retail etc.

It's not unreasonable to expect spouse to contribute something now that the kids are at school. Even doing 4hrs a day at a supermarket would help.

And from the sound of it, OP was happy to take on the role of SAHW, and is just comfortable doing that- so it isn't always a case of forming the wife.

Most people manage this, including making decent food. It’s just silly to compare it to working tbh.

Get a job yes. Start contributing and stop finding reasons not to work. You’re being lazy & entitled. Get a job for your own self worth, to have an experience other than consuming and spending his money. You’ll meet people,have to engage and you’ll probably enjoy the experience (if you’re open to change)

What’s your degree in Op? And your work experience to date. Maybe people could suggest job options knowing this info.
If you’ve not had uk student finance you may be eligible for funding to retrain.

I want to know too. 😂 But it takes two hours, so it must be Michelin standard breakfast.

You’ve constructed a list of tasks and embellished it as if it’s a job & onerous. Utter nonsense. Working parents manage jobs & life chores, you are being avoidant and disingenuous

Most of my TA friends have to do courses , had to go for four hour interviews for jobs , do exams and all sorts in order to then be offered fixed term contracts which don't offer wages during the holidays. I wasn't surprised, but I think that people assume it's easy to get and do and I don't it is anymore. Schools expect a lot more than they did years ago when it was relatively easier to find a job like that.
It's worth looking into though as at least the holidays are then sorted.

OP, if he's a well paid lawyer in London and you still have no luxuries beyond supermarket shopping, what does he do with the money? Do you have full access to your finances?

As for the Yes, I'm sure people will be on this thread saying 'I do all that and I work full time' and if you do, and thus work 9+8=17 hours a day, then that would not be a work life balance I'd aspire to. - it is quite interesting to ponder that for working women, the time we are expected to do all the cooking and cleaning and homework etc, is considered time off.

Wearing a uniform,the ignominy
8 year at uni, two degree and a postgrad. Yea I wore a uniform
actully it was really liberating. Literally didn’t have to think what to wear to work
i am in civvies now, way more tricky

I'd consider a career in the civil service - government departments like the Home Office, HMRC etc have really good flexible working options, garaunteed pension, and hybrid/working from home. A lot of positions don't require qualifications and you can even earn a qualification whilst you are in the job. Google civil service jobs.

It sounds like you've had your confidence knocked by being out of the workforce for so long and potentially being undermined/made to feel that your contribution isn't valued by your DH.

You can definitely get a job - it might not be your ideal job, but you'll get something. And you can definitely work up from there until more opportunities open up for you. You'll gain in confidence as you start to feel more independent and self-sufficient, and it will be infinitely better than being supported by someone who resents you and doesn't value you.

It will be tough. There will be a lot to juggle. You will find that you can do it, but you will feel exhausted and mentally fried at times with the challenge of not dropping any balls.

Your "D"H may or may not step up to help. The truth is that you have become default, he views you that way and so you can't make him. If he doesn't, I predict that you may well be back on these boards in 6-7 years time, with your youngest about to start secondary and even more independence in sight, saying "AIBU to divorce my husband and take half of everything, we both work full-time but I do everything at home and for the kids".

Well, don't hate me, however....
I came here 20 years ago, also from another country, also started studying (so I could learn English at a proficient level).
My husband never pressured me to find work (we are landlords, child free) and I never wanted to, honestly.
We also don't need to check supermarket prices and I would love to live in an apartment rather than a house.
It's about individual people and choices, I don't see why a well paid lawyer needs to pressure you.
🙂
Soz if I didn't get the plot, I live in a fairytale land, or so my nasty relatives seem to think.

The longer you are out of work, the harder it is going to be to get a job. Kids in reception is a good time to try and pick something up part-time. Some of the local mums round here do a couple of bar shifts.

You're getting a bit of a rough ride here, OP, without people acknowledging some core realities, like the fact that minimum wage jobs are a poverty trap rather than a way out.

I can see both sides. I've been both the sole earner and the SAHP. Even though he's in a good job with, presumably, a pretty decent salary, the responsibility for being solely responsible for other people's welfare can sometimes be quite a stressful burden. I think it would be unusual if it hadn't at least once crossed his mind, what happens if I get made redundant? What happens if the mortage increases beyond x amount? It can make you resent the other person, who you may think has it easy because they don't have to constantly worry about these things.

From my own SAHP point of view, it is extremely hard to get back into to the workforce after 5+ years out of it, particularly if you didn't have a good, steady job before you left and you haven't stayed in touch with your contacts. Added to that, local jobs where you can rock up at 10am and leave at 2pm are rare. (And if it wasn't local, forget those hours, because at least where I live, there's no way public transport would get me from the school to town within 1hr.) People suggesting lunchtime supervisor shifts have got to be having a laugh. Yes, those jobs are always advertised at the local schools in my area too - they can't fill them because they are minimum wage and are only 1 hour in the middle of every day, meaning it's highly unlikely you'll find another job to fit around them.

So, although he's not unreasonable for wishing you would share the financial burden with him, your DH is very unreasonable for not wishing to help pay for your further education which, one would hope, would lead to better prospects for you. He's also unreasonable to expect you to continue to be a full time carer for your children and manage the household while working. Have you thought in any detail about what you actually want? You mentioned education - is there a skills-based course you want to do that would help you get a job? Would you be happier to get a part time or a full time role? Would you be happy working if your DH paid for a childminder to do some/all school drop off and pick ups or looked after them after school on the days you're working?

Nor is it the work life balance those that do it in under 17 hours aspire to. You're lucky you have the choice to faff around that much be a SAHP, because it is a choice.
What do you aspire to?

I'm not sure that post did SAHPs a lot of service tbh.

Here's mine from my FT work with primary school age children.

7-8.15 - make decent breakfast, make decent packed lunches, help get ready, cycle children to school, go to work

8.15-4.15 - paid job (7.5 hours, plus 0.5 hours lunch break during which I often did things like read school correspondence and order things online)

4.15 -8 - go to school and then home, make decent homemade dinner, ferry back and forth to extra curricular, do household jobs, garden etc, help with homework, reading to them, bath (yes, granted DH was around for the 6-8pm bit of this period, but I think that's true for lots of SAHPs as well.

Yes, that's less downtime than the SAHP, but equally I'm not sure I'd consider a lot of those things to be very hard work. For example, I like reading to my children! And meals have to be made whether there is children or not.

Yes, like a barrister!