DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

But why is it like this in the UK though? Because it certainly is not like this where I live. And hasn’t been since the 50s.

I think both of you are being a bit unreasonable. Your husband wants you to contribute but with no impact on his lifestyle. I think he is also underestimating the monetary value of what you do in the home. However I think for any modern woman it's very risky to be financially reliant on a male partner. Therefore make a plan to find a job and build up your finances. As there will be a big financial discrepancy in earnings, make sure you're not expected to pay 50/50 as that would be very unfair to you.

I don’t know. Cost of childcare here makes it easy to fall into mum staying at home until they go to school but that doesn’t explain the mentality that many have to begin with.

Temp work or try to get on clerical bank for NHS gives you more flexibility with your hours .

This^
You clearly have made sacrifices, moved to a foreign country away from you family where perhaps your qualifications aren't recognised and looked after your joint children so having DC has had no impact in DHs working life.
However for your own security going back to work could be a positive thing.
I would try and find a job that uses your qualifications and take a course if need be.
You are also entitled to have a fulfilling career not just a job.
What would you like to do? It's scary going back to work but you have loads of skills as a parent and you may enjoy it.
However it needs to be clear to DH that when you find work he will need do 50 /50 of childcare- school drops/ sick days/ medical appts/ school holidays/ school activities like book day costumes etc and 50/50 of running the house- cleaning/ washing/shopping/ cooking/ admin/ organising holidays birthdays xmas etc to enable you to work.
If you've been at home with DC a lot of what you do will have been invisible work so when you do go back to work do sit down and have a discussion about fair share of household load

The op will have 2 jobs (work and home) rather than one whilst the husband gets to continue not doing his share in the home? Hardly sounds fair.

They’re being stricter who they hire as clerical bank NHS staff or a friend told me this last year.

Depending on which field of law her DH is in and which firm he works for he won’t necessarily be well paid, or only in so much as he can have afforded for OP to be a SAHM/W for the past few years. I mean they’re still in a flat and most parents with DC move into a house at this stage. But you need two incomes to afford that.

@Macadamiamama
just to add - you mention DH won’t pay for further education, but I went back to uni and did an MA (and now a PhD), and got a govt student loan (11.5k pa for the MA; 9.7k for the PhD) - None of it is repayable until I am earning over a certain amount. And any unpaid balance will be written off at 60. It’s my debt, so DH has no input, but you could do this, pay fees (was about £5.5k so remaining money was ‘mine’) but you could contribute to family finances with that.

You’d meet other non-mummy people to make new friends and find ways into work through the university network? It can be a juggle fitting assignments around sick kids etc, but there are loads of ways to apply for extensions on compassionate grounds if a crisis happens. Unis are geared towards students with additional needs, such as childcare responsibilities. It would help you rebuild your confidence and step out of the parenting bubble - which may be what DH is actually hoping will happen?

I have a feeling you did not discuss this when you got married and you assumed you could be a housewife forever ? It’s unfair on him to have the full responsibility of paying everything , his job is demanding too ( I know that as I do the same ) .
you are refusing to get a job on the premise that you can’t get a job “ good enough “ in your view .
You should both sit down and discuss him maybe helping more but you getting a job . What is wrong with a supermarket job or a retail job ?
While I went to uni before becoming a lawyer I worked retail plus was a single mum too . Are you really that spoiled that you cannot make any effort towards your family ?
Not to mention you put yourself at risk , what if your marriage ends , or your partners gets ill as an example ? Will you just cower in a corner and cry qnd let your children without anything ?

May I ask what your qualifications are in and what job you managed to do WFH ? Perhaps you can rejoin assuming that the DC can have after school care if they are usual business hours.

I agree apart from the fact the OP needs to organise they need to do it together, look at childcare, a cleaner and the division of childcare and work

also where is all the money going if he is a hotshot lawyer and you can’t do holidays

time for a very frank chat that yes you would like to work to do something but within that things change in terms of division of labour and outsourcing etc. you getting a job changes his life as well

Her kids are both in school so she has 9 to 3 free . Hardly 2 jobs and do people realise some of us work full time and still do all that ?

Fair enough he wants you to start working but how does that work with the logistics of running a house and looking after children? Especially if he works long hours and you are covering everything in the house.
I planned to start work again when my youngest , a son had settled into reception - it was a rocky year at school and thank goodness I was around to fight his corner. He's settled in Y1 now fortunately.
However I haven't been able to find a job that fits school hours (& unfortunately health has nose dived, so can't work) as my husband can work odd hours, I have to be available for school pick ups/drop offs. I, pre illness had plenty to keep me busy when the children were in school.
Maybe look at some volunteering for the moment so that you are doing something for you, but don't be pressured into a job that is just for the sake of it and actually makes life tougher for you. Those school hours soon disappear......

There is nothing wrong with being a waitress, receptionist or working in retail.

Quite frankly, OP, you sound like a snob.

The OP currently has a full time job in being a SAHP, when her child goes to school she will then have a part time role as a SAHP, so she needs another part time role to pick up a shortfall in her contribution to the household.

Her workload is going to decrease when the kid goes to school, she doesn’t get to keep that time for herself whilst her husband busts a bollock to keep paying for her

So find a job, and then split up all the household chores. If you're both working then all tasks are split equally and make it very clear to him that you won't be carrying all of the family load.

I enjoyed going back part time until I walked through the door at home and was greeted by utter chaos if he'd done the school run and hadn't even cleared breakfast away or thought to let the poor dog out for a wee. We had quite a lot of rows initially - so start as you mean to go on.

I can see why he wants you to get a job. Obviously just make it clear you will have to split chores etc evenly. Me and my DH manage fine. I went back to work full time after maternity leave.

Doing stuff at home is NOT a job. It's part of being an adult. Every single person on the planet has to do stuff in the house. I wish people would get a grip.

Of course you are not being too superior! You would have been too superior if you were supporting him for 9 years, if you were a London lawyer, and if you had an education better than his and he were a foreign groom brought to the UK from the outside. This is how material superiority is usually calculated. It looks like you have no education or work experience for the jobs 'worthy' of you, so the only solution is to ask your parents to support you financially if you don't want to support yourself. On the positive side, your written English is excellent!

Do you live in a country where parental leave is more equal? I feel like that’s where it starts here.

Mum takes 1 year of maternity leave, dad goes back after 2 weeks and then mum becomes the default parent, baby won’t settle for dad and then it ‘makes sense’ because dad earns more for mum to go part time or become a SAHM.

Not RTFT, but the obvious career choice as I see it is to train as a teacher.
Train to teach | Get Into Teaching GOV.UK (education.gov.uk)

He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!

Obviously you don't feel confident juggling career, househild and children while your manchild DH can barely manage to help bath children while working.

You were used as walkung uterus, maid, cook and nanny while it suited him and since you are no longer birthing children for him,he wants you to do all of that while working. Wow, what a prince among men!

If I was in your unlucky place, I'd hop on this.

1. Firstly, get Saturday volunteering somewhere to get experience and references. Pick something related to your uni if you liked that. Let him sort EVERYTHING around household and children on that day. He can have Sunday to relax as he is not helping you anyway.

1. Start applying to jobs in September. You cannot sooner as you cannot drag younges to the interviews. Don't rely in him for childcare as he will bail out last minute and you will end up with fucked opportunities.

1. Apply only for FULL TIME jobs. Your manchild can pick between:

A) paying half of wraparoumd care.
B) doing morning or afternoon schoolrun.
Your career is as important as his so don't get stuck in idea you will work while children are at school as that is at best 10-14 and shit pay with no prospect.
Also, he must to do half of cooking, cleaning, washing, childcare or pay someone to do that.

1. Once you have open ended contract and pass probation on a job you like get a solicitor and divorce that twat.

1. Demand 50:50 where ex gets children for 2 days and weekend one week and 3 days another week. So he can enjoy arrangeing his life around schoolruns and cooking and cleaning for children.

1. Having children every other weekend will leave you enough time to meet and date someone decent who will not treat you like walking uterus and push you into uncomfortable situations when you no longer serve that putpuse (while expecting you do 100% of housework).

Fuck him and good luck.

I really would not train to be a teacher unless you’ve got skin like Teflon. Hours aren’t family friendly anymore either, you’re easily working evenings and weekends, only bonus is school holidays.

Only women I found who made it work having two children and a full time pressured jobs had mums and mother in laws around to do everything else , but this was in the 90s.
Their partners helped a bit , but mostly other women were around..