DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing.

Well I can tell you many people don't like the idea of low paid work appealing, and yet they havento do it or otherwise they will starve.

My dh tried this a couple of years ago. Our situation is somewhat different but the principle was the same - he was happy for me to be a sahm to dc aged 18 months apart both with severe Sen yet when the youngest was starting reception I was told I had no choice and would have to work.

I was going to all the appts therapy, meetings ,into school all the time etc etc, doing all the nights , any admin related to Sen. I countered what he said with my own demand - actually that no I wasn’t prepared to be a carer full time to 2 children so he had to take a 2 year career break and we are both now carers . After that we will both work part time

Not unreasonable for you to get a job, especially when both kids in school. Not sure what you’ve got against wearing a uniform versus his suit and tie. He’s worked his way up, and you can too, but obviously he needs to realise that someone needs to drop and pick up kids. Use wrap around care and get a cleaner or he does 50-50 on the evenings and weekends. He cannot expect you to go out to work and do everything you’re doing now and his life doesn’t change one bit. I’d make that very clear that his life will be changing.

I think you should explore options maybe with voluntary work initially. Taking a low paid job is fine as a starting point to get you into the world of work but you do need to make clear he will have to help more around the house and with kids although if you work part time you should still have plenty of spare capacity depending on hours.

I don't think you can really expect him to continue supporting you financially indefinitely especially if your children are now school age. Surely you could get a house sooner with two incomes even if initially your wage is low? You will gain confidence and surely if you are at home when your kids are at school you will be bored? I personally always wanted my own money so worked part time from when my youngest was 2 and went to pre school. If you had a Uni education even abroad you are surely qualified to work. What about a job using your native language if not English?

I think your comment about wearing a uniform is uncalled for .

He is right, for your families, and your own sake, you need to get a job.
A school hours only job is not necessary as he works a Monday to Friday job, you should be able to work while he does whatever needs to be done at home.
Has he actually said he won't pick up the work you do in the home, or have you just assumed written that here to sway opinion?
You may not be able to walk into your dream job, but no one can after years out of the workplace. You have to look for something you're happy to do, and have a plan in place to work towards what you'd really like to do. Not working is not an option, unless you want to potentially find yourself without a husband or job prospects in future because you refused to step up.

He's not saying that, if you look he is putting jobs to her which she would be capable of, it's just that she doesn't want to do them.

Expecting you to get a job is perfectly reasonable

expecting you to get a job while also taking care of all child responsibilities and nothing changes for him is ridiculous

have only read OP.

It is reasonable for you go look for work. Is he at one of those firms where they work until 3am and the company thinks helping them is giving them a leaflet on better sleep and a pillow spray?

IMO: you go to work and he cuts down his hours. You both take over some of the household and child duties.

Many posters here will have fitted this all in plus worked because most couples with kids can’t live on a single salary, hence maybe the less than sympathetic answers OP is getting.

Children with significant SEN, who are often not in school even close to FT, is a whole different ball game and yes, often does require a SAHP or low PT hours even when DC are in school.

Plenty of people wear uniforms to work 🙄

Plenty also work and have children etc to sort, some even work full time and manage this!!

Hes not being unreasonable at all. I'm the higher earner and the pressure there with 2 of us working is immense.

As long as he's willing to pull his weight and do his fair share I agree with him.

Oh gosh, not a uniform

I wear a uniform to work, I have two degrees and I don’t live off a man’s earnings. I’ll stick with the uniform, thanks!

@arethereanyleftatall

what do you mean by “decent homemade breakfast”? Like what?

It's not unreasonable to expect you to work, but it's unreasonable to expect that a 10am-2pm stress free job will be easily available. Gold dust where I am.

Lunchtime assistants in schools do those hours and they're always being advertised, ok the pay isn't great but they're term time which is a bonus! Maybe you could do that OP?

No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

A suit and tie is his uniform.

We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket

That's a pretty massive luxury tbh.

From someone who wears a uniform on 55k.

@Macadamiamama

maybe he wants to go on holiday op? Wouldn’t you like to?
get a job and you can!

As someone who raised two kids from baby and toddler whilst a working single parent with f all support, I would like to say, hang on while I find the world's tiniest violin

What role can a receptionist get promoted to?

It means that as a SAHM, her children don’t get coco pops thrown at them in a rush because clearly working parents can’t also provide their children with homemade pancakes. 🙄

I think you are being a bit of a snob OP. Don't you want any financial independence??

I think you are being a bit of a snob OP. Don't you want any financial independence??

I’m not sure which part of the context was supposed to prevent anyone thinking you’re unreasonable 🙄

You’ve had nearly a decade of the luxury of not working. Some families, my own included depend on both parents working no matter how hard that makes life for one or both of us.

get a job - there’s plenty there even if they’re not ones you’d prefer, or paying what you’d like.

Maybe you're lacking a bit of confidence, it can be a challenge to get back into the workforce after a long break, you can feel a bit less than everyone else, not quite good enough but really you are! You do sound very selfish & entitled in your opening post. If that's not the case I apologise, but it is how you come across.
When your kids go to school you will be able to do life & house admin so much quicker & in a more organised way that will you have lots of time for a part time job at least and then have weekends free. I did what ever job I could to get some money rolling in until I could afford to be a bit more choosy.
Why wouldn't you want to help take some financial pressure off your husband so you can all enjoy an easier life, not just you ?

He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

Do you realise how snobbish you sound? And how it implies it is demeaning to wear a uniform? What is wrong with wearing a uniform? Or is it just wrong for you?

Many women work for their own financial independence and self-esteem. There are obvious dangers in being completely reliant on someone else's income, (should the marriage break up, for example, you might find you need to get a job) - and astute women realise that (whether they wear a uniform or not).😄