DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

What about her mental health? Is it good to be at home 5 days a week when the kids are at school? Ofcourse work at home (housework etc) is important but we are only seeing it from OP’s side. Perhaps the DH is thinking being outside the home would be good for his wife and I totally agree with that (as someone who has been in her position). He hasn’t pushed her to get a job whilst the kids needed actual childcare before school. Other than housework/washing etc (which all parents do around full time or part time jobs), its quite unusual to have any parent stay home with no job once the kids are in school.

Is op's husband able to offer his free labour to cover her while she restarts her career while being absent from her current role such as drop offs and pick ups, illness absences of kids, holidays, cooking and cleaning? If the answer is no then he has to up his game in that department, share the load with you or hire people when he can't step up.

As I said upthread, in OPs position, the only minimum wage type job I would be interested in would be one where the job itself was something I wanted to do (even if only to get me out of the house) or one that would lead to a role I wanted to do in future. In OPs position, I would probably want to train for an actual career, but would expect DH to either step up and take over some of tge 'wifework' or accept that we would be buying in a lot of help once I was working. I absolutely wouldn't do a job I didn't enjoy simply to increase family income by an insignificant amount.

I misspoke, he doesn't necessarily need her to take care of them, but he definitely needed that or for her to share the load financially for childcare if she was working. Because if he was a single dad, paying for someone to take of the kids all day while he works long hours to progress in his career ain't cheap!

Well, that depends a bit on what he was earning when the kids came along, I suppose. I could have afforded to pay for the childcare that I needed to maintain my career without DH's involvement, if I had needed to, and cover our living expenses on top. I was always the higher earner and we didn't actually need DH's income at all.

But of course, if a child has two parents, then they are jointly responsible for all aspects of raising that child. That's rather different from claiming that he couldn't have built his career without her support. We don't actually know.

I love my part-time job (for many benefits other than money - we can live without my salary). There are a huge range of jobs you can do within school hours. Im happy taking less money now to keep up office skills, to not have a huge gap in my CV and still be home for pick up.

I do think its harder to get back into work, the longer you stay out. Many part-time jobs can lead to bigger things when the kids are older, you don’t need to be there at pick up etc and I don’t think its a good idea for anyone to stay out of work completely during school years. It sounds like OP hasn’t looked around at what is actually on offer and how a small job now could progress in the future.

Hang on, but there is no mention of the OP wanting to not be a SAHM for 9 years? Many women go straight back to full time jobs after maternity/kids in nursery till 6pm (I didn’t - I wanted to be a SAHM till school age), so im presuming OP could have gone back to work after 9 months as millions of women do? She chose a career break (as I did) and her DH worked whilst she worked at home.

The difference now is the kids are in school, the level of work at home does not come anything close to what she will have been doing with babies/toddlers. Totally exhausting. So is it unfair to suggest the idea of a small job to help with the financial extras (holidays, birthday’s etc). I cant see anything wrong with that after 9 years at home.

Im presuming OP wasn’t ordered to stay at home by her DH and she chose to be a SAHM?

Wow my parents died at 75 and 79 in last few years Both my brother and I have previously had. cancer and we are both early 50s. So chances are I will be lucky to get much past 70

No, but assuming that it was a joint decision, getting the OP back into work should be a joint endeavour and her husband should be supporting her to find a job/career path that she'd like to do, including by making it clear that he intends to take up the slack at home.

I'm sure that, in many cases, it is a joint decision. In some cases, it may even be driven by the WOHP, especially if they have quite old fashioned views.

In most families that I know where there is a SAHP, that decision has been predominantly driven by the SAHP. The WOHP has agreed to it, but hasn't necessarily actively wanted that model. I don't actually know many men or women who would actively choose to be the sole breadwinner.

Of course, where there are disabilities etc that essentially require one parent to be a SAHP, the dynamics are likely to be very different and the WOHP is likely to be very grateful for the SAHP having taken that on.

Choose not to parent?

I suppose he could have offered to he a sahd after op finished maternity leave and her miss out on time with her kids and go back into full time work with long stressful hours. Would she have been happy to do that?

Most mums want and choose the option to be a sahm because they want the extra time with their kids.

no the demographics and govt stats show most women work so no,not most.
a minority mums don’t work they’re they outliers
don’t make global most mums… statements when you’re wrong.makes you look a bit silly

Im very aware as ive said in my previous posts.

But yes, most women that are sahm have that discussion with their partner and agree to it and are happy in agreeing to it, as they would prefer to be at home with their young kids.

Hey everyone, I think I owe you all an apology. I read my message afterwards and it did sound awful, hope you understand I had a screaming child next to me and I had never made a post on here.
I think the triggering point was when I mentioned “working in a uniform” 🤣I’m so sorry! I’ve done ALL that! I’ve been there, ladies! The point is I watched my husband getting promotion after promotion, I believe i contributed to his success. It upsets me even after all these years he suggests I should go back to zero. Anyway I haven’t studied to deserve better so I’ll probably swallow my pride. Rest reassured I won’t be nowhere near as successful as a male professional! Xx

@Macadamiamama exactly though you have helped his success and now if he wants you to contribute financially he needs to step up and help.

finding a balance that both are happy with takes time but if you are adding to the finance side things need to adapt and change on the other.

you clearly had a career path in mind when you started out why shouldn’t you do that now. You have helped him he needs to help you. Your contribution shouldn’t just be the money you can give around doing everything else and running yourself into the ground just so you can give money. It should now be about seeing how your career should go.

being the sole breadwinner is hard but it comes with the understanding that the other picks up the childcare (and spending quality time with your children isn’t child care). If you are working the childcare side, school runs, after school care etc needs to be looked at and divided fairly

You can be just as successful but its what works in your family life right now. Do you want full time hours? If you do, go for it and get extra help in (cleaner, childminder for after school etc). You could have gone straight back to work after having kids and used extra help then aswell (long hours in nursery etc). I imagine you discussed with your DH what the best option was and for both of you it was to stay home.

If you dont want it so full on, why not enjoy the luxury of having a part-time job to contribute to the extras? My earnings cover our holidays, days out and extras (presents etc). I could stay home but we’d have to cut back on extras significantly. I think alot of Mum’s do take this option as they want more time with the kids through Primary years (to be there after school) but also want to work. Thats a win win for me (and I consider myself lucky I have that choice).

You have no doubt contributed to his promotion after promotion (especially in law). Does he honestly think if he was doing 50:50 and rushing back for nursery at 6pm and then cooking and cleaning that he’d be able to hold down such a job let alone be promoted.

I’m sure you’ll get some (un) helpful replies saying of course it’s possible to be successful in a law firm and do half of everything but I don’t believe that is the case. It’s a real luxury to be able to focus 100% on your job when you have kids. A luxury many women don’t have as they are spinning all the plates.

Of course he was happy for you to do that when the kids were young. It suited him. And now he wants you to get any old minimum wage job and carry on doing school runs/cooking/cleaning/after school activities etc. Whilst nothing changes. for him.

If he’s a London lawyer and getting promotion after promotion surely he should be able to afford a mortgage on a house by now? I worked with lawyers for a while so I know what they earn.

You do need to get your arse out into the job market though regardless of whether you supported his career or not (my ex NDN did the same) for your own benefit, self esteem and just to ensure you get pension through NI contributions and to ensure you have money saved if you need it.

Don't let the responses here make you feel like you don't deserve better than a minimum wage job. If this was posted from the perspective of your husband saying my wife has done all the childcare and housework for years and now I want her to get a minimum wage job while still doing all the childcare and housework, the responses would drag him to the high heavens too.

Sometimes the responses here are based more on how you phrase what you're trying to say than what you're saying.

Oh come on. She’s said she’s got a career but worked on and off. Yes she’s helped her DH advance his career but for 9 years she’s sat back on her bum looking after the kids and not tried to study or even negotiate with Mr Big Shot Lawyer DH so she can study or get childcare. We used to see lots of these women in our family/divorce dept, women who’d stayed home for years and then wondered why their DH got fed up with it and wanted them to either work or wanted a divorce.

Those asking why OP needs to go back to work if they don’t need the money.

They DO need the money though! Op said they have no luxuries and no holidays. So they do need the money.

Living with no treats year on year is no fun. If there’s no way of getting them, that’s one thing but they do have a way of getting them - op to get some kind of job!

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain , glad to see that you think being a SAHM is "sitting on your bum". I must have been doing it wrongly.

‘Sat on your bum’ and ‘looking after young children’ do not belong in the same sentence and you know it!

I sat on my bum more in an office drinking tea at work than I did looking after 2 small children (and the rest).

We do wonder how a London lawyer getting promotion after promotion with a small mortgage on a flat and zero childcare costs (and a wife who is clearly being frugal) can’t even afford one holiday in nine years..

Where does the money go??

If you have have a degree , there is absolutely no reason why you cannot progress in your career . Just make sure he understands the burden of the housework and childcare will have to be shared too .