DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

I am sorry, this is just not going to happen. Then what?

More than two? Would you maybe care to share? I would like to know what they are. I am being serious, not facetious.

You must have different experience. I know many young women 21+ who did law as their first degree (not conversion course) and are slogging their guts out as paralegals, unable to get a training contract. I also know quite a few young women 21+ who got their training contract and are now unable to find a junior associate position. The hoops and loops they jump through! And still unable to get a job - they are multilingual, some specialise in digital currency litigation and still no luck. You must have several very unusual examples of women before your eyes.

@MarygoldRose in my 30s I moved into cybersecurity, Governance, Risk and Compliance with no previous experience.

I have numerous colleagues who have retrained or switched roles into software development, business analysis, Operational Leadership.

I have friends who have retrained as teachers.

Why would you believe that there are only 2 careers women go an go into from age 30 up?

"There are only 2 worthwhile real careers a middle-aged (30+) woman can retrain for - nurse and midwife, but they are uniformed..."

A 31 year old is not middle aged. However, as an actually middle aged person over 40, I can say that there is no way I would have the energy to do a nursing or midwifery course and start a job that involved long shifts, standing up and a lot of walking after years of sedentary office work.
That unfortunately means there are no careers the average middle aged woman can retrain for...

@MarygoldRose , Middle-aged is 45-65. It's not half way through the average life span.
Middle age - Wikipedia

middle age noun [ U ] uk / ˌmɪd. ə l ˈeɪdʒ / us / ˌmɪd. ə l ˈeɪdʒ / Add to word list Add to word list the period of your life, usually considered to be from about 45 to 60 years old, when you are no longer young, but are not yet old: Once you reach middle age, you have to be sensible about your health.
MIDDLE AGE | English meaning - Cambridge Dictionary

dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/middle-age

The previous definition was from the Oxford dictionary.

I had a work colleague in her 40s leave to train to be a nurse. Probably qualified now.

Sorry, I was writing about this context - a foreigner with 9 years of economic inactivity. Had she been able to move to cybersecurity, believe me, she would have. I was talking about this particular context, which, let us be honest, is the most realistic context for an average (like me) person. Re-training to be a teacher requires a solid first degree - physics, languages, maths, art. I don't think this lady would be fretting about uniforms if she had a solid degree - she would have retrained as a teacher and her husband would have been up for it, I am sure. But we need to be more realistic and close to the context. I.e. average women, not cybersecurity experts.

We don't know what degree she has, and she may not be interested in being a teacher?

And how is she coping with 12 hour shifts being on her feet all the time? I know some older nurses find 9-5 jobs with more sitting, but the training must be gruelling for a middle-aged person used to being sedentary.
I know I couldn't do it.

@MarygoldRose
45 x 2 (because middle is just that, in the middle, half of life) - 90 and 65 is 130. I don't know any who lived to that age. In my book middle age is 35 or if you are very lucky, 40, I am afraid.
Your book is wrong.

Re-training to be a teacher requires a solid first degree - physics, languages, maths, art.
Not true. I know teachers with degrees in different subjects.
What is a PGCE course? | Get Into Teaching GOV.UK (education.gov.uk)

" I don't think this lady would be fretting about uniforms if she had a solid degree"

Well my degree is one of the ones mentioned and is actually very difficult to find a career job with so I do a more basic job I don't think the OP would like. Not everyone has the right temperament for teaching and it seems to also be very long hours these days. The grant for training also varies hugely depending on those 'solid' subjects you mention.

"In my book middle age is 35 or if you are very lucky, 40, I am afraid."

You expect to die at 70??? We're not in biblical times any more.

If you've made it to middle age in 2024, your life expectancy is likely to be not far from 90.

I get help off lots of people, my parents, my DPs mum, he goes to a PDN so we get help there. Regardless of the help, if my work didn’t suit my childcare I wouldn’t give up all together, there are always ways around it….if you want there to be.

Frankly I'm astonished that both you and your husband seem to think he has been "supporting " you . Have you not been running the household and bringing up the children whilst he pursues a career( and presumably acruing a pension ,which, no doubt you will both regard as 'his'?) He gets to do that cos you've been WORKING at home. Are you not a team?

After 9 years of unemployment and a foreign diploma, it is not what she is interested in, it is what she can get.

For a site called mumsnet, there sure is a lot of posters here who think if a woman takes a career break to care for children, no one will ever want to hire her for any job other than a minimum wage one.

Probably yes given he’s married her, had children with her and doesn’t want to do school drop offs, pick ups, housework or life admin. If he just does his well paid job and nothing else then the price he pays is supporting his spouse (and counting himself lucky for the career advancement opportunities this set up brings).

I don’t make the rules haha. No seriously I don’t know anyone in City law who makes their spouse do low paid work just for the sake of it.

T.A in a school? You don't always need qualifications and it would work around your kids

As someone who works in a school alongside TA's, I really wish people would stop suggesting this on these sorts of threads. In my experience it is very obvious when TA's are only doing the job because they think the hours will be cushy, and they don't tend to last long! Children with SEND deserve TA's who really want to be there and have the skills and knowledge to meet their needs. TA's have a lot more responsibility nowadays, and deal with a lot more risk and complexity, than people realise. It is not a job that just anyone can do.

Loads of help then! Which is why you can work the hours you do. Wonderful! OP doesn’t seem to have any help and a DH that works long hours. You must understand it’s easy for you to say ‘there are ways around it’. Those ways involve huge amounts of stress and doing everything. Not ideal or something to aspire to.

I’m not saying the OP shouldn’t work. But it is harder for her with zero help at home.

Wow. Oblivious much?

Rather hacked off at your blatant racism/xenophobia.

She has an overseas degree - many people I have worked with have degrees from universities outside the UK - as directors of companies, cities bankers, doctors etc I would say their degree was not a mere ‘foreign diploma’. DH and I may even send one of our kids to get a foreign medical degree given the dire state of the UK university system.

And your reference to OP as a ‘foreigner’?? FFS, she is UK resident, married to a Brit so likely dual national by now. And even if she was not, why dismiss her as ‘a foreigner’?

I do agree that he can’t have it both ways. If he wants her back to work then he needs to pick up some of the slack at home, especially if we’re talking about full time work.

Stop with the hallmark channnel schlock, she doesn’t have a job. she’s an unemployed housewife who may or may not be job hunting

over embellished florid language about motherhood and parenting really does the realities a disservice. It is sometimes beautiful, sometimes boring, sometimes dull, sometimes infuriating. Let’s not pretend parenting is ethereal and beautiful state of self fulfilment

If we lived in Biblical times, I would expect to live to 800.