DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

Well the age of promise was 70 so I guess that's where 35 comes from.

You can predict your life expectancy here, just based on your current age and not taking your health into account: Life expectancy calculator - Office for National Statistics (ons.gov.uk)

Sorry but you sound so entitled!

Of course you should work - and what's wrong with a uniform??? Police officers, nurses, fire fighters all wear uniforms. And why is it beneath you to waitress or similar

How is your ability to work in the sector you’re qualified in, or for what you think is ok to earn going to change in the coming years?

You decided not to work so you take that as the hit. Work your way up the ranks in a job that’s adjacent to what you used to
do.

It's obvious my experience of parenting is very different from yours. Each to their own. And I never once suggested parenting is "ethereal" that's all you, your misinterpretation.

Good luck with Paris, a famous non-Western European place.

@MarygoldRose "Sorry, I was writing about this context - a foreigner with 9 years of economic inactivity. Had she been able to move to cybersecurity, believe me, she would have. I was talking about this particular context, which, let us be honest, is the most realistic context for an average (like me) person. Re-training to be a teacher requires a solid first degree - physics, languages, maths, art. I don't think this lady would be fretting about uniforms if she had a solid degree - she would have retrained as a teacher and her husband would have been up for it, I am sure. But we need to be more realistic and close to the context. I.e. average women, not cybersecurity experts."

You have a very limited view of the world and what people are capable of, I sincerely hope you won't pass that to your children.

For 'context' though, I am from a very working class not at all well off background, have no qualifications beyond some bad A-levels 20+ years ago, worked my way up through call centre roles. I upskilled myself on Cybersecurity from free online courses, books, finding and talking to people who knew what they were talking about and just cracking on and figuring out how to do something. A very average woman but one who knows I'm not limited by anything unless I choose to limit myself.

Word of warning for those interested in the boot camp route to Tech roles, they are intense, they do give a good basic grounding, but they vastly oversell the roles you will be going into immediately from the course. Yes they will spam companies with your CV and get you through to interview but honestly 16 weeks training experience will only get you an entry level role. Now that's a great start, but don't expect to launch straight into the £35-50k bracket, you need to look at it as a long game and be prepared for lower paid roles immediately and then proving yourself through real life application of the training and applying for progression. That 16 weeks though is brutal, full days of learning and hours of practice and building your portfolio every day, so it's a solid 12-15 hours of work every day for 16 weeks.

@BusyMummy001 , I know someone currently in a mainland Europe medical school. Straight As at A-level. It's as you said, simply not enough med school places for the number of bright and talented students who apply, *.

Not true. From the ONS:
Women: 82yrs
Men: 78yrs

Makes ‘middle age’ approx 40yrs, give or take.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/lifeexpectancies/bulletins/nationallifetablesunitedkingdom/2020to2022

That’s life expectancy at birth. Gwenhwyfar specifically said the life expectancy of someone who has already made it to middle age.

A woman who’s 41 can expect to live until 87 on average.

See: https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/articles/lifeexpectancycalculator/2019-06-07

Hmm. I see both of our quotes are from the ONS. If I put Age 1 and Female in to the life expectancy calculator, it says life expectancy is 91yrs!

How does that work? Average life expectancy taken from the population census for a Female is 82yrs, using the calculator - putting Age 1 (the youngest possible) it is 91yrs. Doesn’t quite add up.

UK life between 0-1 can’t affect life expectancy that much!!!

@Lion400 I think life expectancy models are adjusted for lots of factors so each generation gets a different result? Ironically, everyone in my husband’s family live into their 90’s and most of our elderly neighbours are well into their late 80’s/early 90s where i live (admittedly an affluent area).

My family barely make it to 70, though (both parent died of smoking related illnesses, mum at 56 and father at 72, female cancers run in the fam too so aunt died at 47) so I think they’ve single-handedly brought the national average for their generation down a few years 🤣

Some of the ageism/ sexism on here is horrific. I've always been the main earner. No way would I expect DH (who did the bulk of the school pick ups / drop offs around his flexible but less well paid work when DCs were young) to take any job he could get just for the £ if we didn't need it.

In OPs position I would think about the work I would enjoy that would fit in with DHs long hours law job and build towards that. I certainly wouldn't want to doo a minimum wage job just for the money when money isn't an issue.

If tech or business analysis is of interest, Code First Girls could be worth looking at and would fit in with some part time work to build confidence but would involve evening online classes. Something with daytime classes might work better. If teaching is of interest, I think there are now post grad apprenticeship routes.

This thread has really highlighted to me how easy we are as a society on men who just choose not to parent.

Men do this shit all the time and no one bats an eye at it.

But Op says money is an issue/ they want to buy a house and currently have no money for luxuries. If she could earn say £800 a month when the kids were at school, that would surely really help the household?

As a general rule, society still expects men to provide financially and women to do unpaid caring work.

The sooner that we acknowledge that men and women have equal responsibility for providing financially and unpaid caring work, these issues will keep on arising.

Of course, couples can decide to split those responsibilities differently between them, but then each partner typically has a different view of what's "fair".

The default position has to be 50/50 across the board, with each partner being equally responsible for everything. Any divergence from this needs to be by negotiation and mutual agreement - neither party can just demand that the other does more than their fair share.

Sorry, wrong thread!

Actually OP said they have no luxuries, not that they couldn't afford them.

Unless it was to do a job which I enjoyed, or which was going to lead to one I enjoyed, I wouldn't work for £800 a month if my DP were a 'well paid London lawyer'. and I had young school age DCs. It would probably cost us more than that in extra domestic help / after school care / other services needed to make the logistics work and make family life stressful for no real benefit.

I would however do training / work experience that would lead to a career I wanted to pursue longer term, even if it meant a short term reduction in net family income.

You sound stuck up and entitled to me!
Just get a job to help contribute!

I can’t believe there are 700 replies and not one of them from OP……

Why is op expected to get just any job while her husband had her support to pursue an actual career (and yes he could not have done it without her taking care of the kids). Double standards

Why do you say that be could not have done it without her taking care of the kids? Presumably, you're aware that lots of people do build very successful careers without a partner at home to look after their children?

Have you never heard of childcare? Sure, he would have had to cover his half of the costs, and he'd have had to cover his share of the housework etc, but there is no actual evidence that he needed a SAHP at home in order to progress his career.

Yet another man who benefited from wife being a SAHM, barely sees his DCs and now wants wife to go out to work + do all the childcare and housework outside her work hours too.

Whay does he do outside work hours OP? There's a lot of projecting on here by people who think you should take the most basic minimum wage jobs - that they'd never ever consider themselves. The same jobs that can't be filled here because people dont want to do them.

The tutoring suggestions are good. & working from home could suit you.