Page 28 | DH pressuring me to find a job

Macadamiamama · 2024-04-07T08:30:59+00:00

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable. DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays. I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies. I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand. Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids. We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon. The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life. He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself! He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform. I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

Delatron · 08/04/2024 12:48

CrispieCake · 08/04/2024 11:39

@Delatron . Agree with you. It seems to be "why don't you stay home with the kids so I can progress my career?" and then when they're older and not such hard work, "get a job, you lazy sod!" Like a switch has been flicked. But it's not that easy when someone has been out of the workforce for a long time and they need support and encouragement.

The correct way for the husband to have approached this would have been to have asked the OP what her plans were for when their youngest started school and to have had a supportive discussion with her about how they could both work together to get her back into work which she found rewarding and which was financially beneficial for their family.

Yes exactly. A supportive discussion about the future was all that was needed. They are married. They are supposed to be a team. He’s basically said ‘get a job, any job and don’t expect me to change a thing’ yet apparently poor old him.

Nobody is suggesting that OP never works in the future. It’s the way the DH has gone about it.

Delatron · 08/04/2024 12:49

CrispieCake · 08/04/2024 11:39

@Delatron . Agree with you. It seems to be "why don't you stay home with the kids so I can progress my career?" and then when they're older and not such hard work, "get a job, you lazy sod!" Like a switch has been flicked. But it's not that easy when someone has been out of the workforce for a long time and they need support and encouragement.

The correct way for the husband to have approached this would have been to have asked the OP what her plans were for when their youngest started school and to have had a supportive discussion with her about how they could both work together to get her back into work which she found rewarding and which was financially beneficial for their family.

Yes exactly. A supportive discussion about the future was all that was needed. They are married. They are supposed to be a team. He’s basically said ‘get a job, any job and don’t expect me to change a thing’ yet apparently poor old him.

Nobody is suggesting that OP never works in the future. It’s the way the DH has gone about it.

Sooooootired01 · 08/04/2024 12:58

@Delatron What do you do for work now?

Sooooootired01 · 08/04/2024 12:58

@Delatron What do you do for work now?

Sooooootired01 · 08/04/2024 12:58

@Delatron What do you do for work now?

bellezarara · 08/04/2024 13:02

Shrodingershousemove · 08/04/2024 00:11

Has the op actually returned to the thread or is this a word we aren't allowed to mention on here?

I think it's fine to debate in OP's absence, and may help other SAHPs in a similar situation.

Delatron · 08/04/2024 13:02

Think Mumsnet is glitchy! Sorry for the triple post.

@Sooooootired01 I retrained as a Pilates instructor and now run my own studio. Can choose my own hours and hourly rate is high. Was in advertising with long hours and not child friendly!

Isitautumnyet23 · 08/04/2024 13:09

Muddywalks34 · 08/04/2024 09:42

OP I think you are being incredibly unfair. For context I took time out to be a SAHM fully supported by my DH. I couldn’t go back into the industry I used to work in (Pharma Sales) whilst working around the children, so I initially found stress free admin jobs working 10-2 or similar. Over the years I have changed roles and I now WFH with hours to suit for 3 small non profits doing admin and finances. I work around 20 hours per week and am about to take on a small
trust which will provide me with 5 additional hours. I have more than enough time to do this, run the house, care for our dogs/horses and do all child related things, my DH is often away during the week and when not will work a 12-14 hour day at home. He has no household/child related duties as he’s so busy but will help when he is off or weekends etc.

Financially I do not need to work, but do so because if my husband is working his arse off then I will do the same, it does lessen the pressure on him because everything I do earn either pays for holidays or goes into savings and investments with the goal of shortening his working life.

I bring home around 15k a year, compared to his £240k, his pay rise this year is more than my annual salary. I do joke about my measly pay compared to his but then he shows me the investment pot that my not earning very much has built up. During lockdown I lost my little admin job, I instead donned a uniform and worked as a dinner lady/cleaner at the local school (current one had to shield) and did a shift a week at the supermarket. There really is nothing wrong with uniform working, it was actually quite enjoyable being out doing something while the rest of the country was mostly indoors and definitely kept me sane. I actually kept it all up as long as I was able to until I got too busy again with my freelance work.

Go to work and help your husband out, you will have 6 hours every day free it’s not fair to expect to be a kept woman when he is stressed and struggling to try and give you all more (a bigger house for instance), your wage could quite possibly cover the additional mortgage repayments and fund a little family break

Totally agree with this and very similar to our life. DH works very long days, I work part-time (school hours + day off) and do the majority of work at home. I really dont get the objection from the OP of having a part-time job to help contribute towards family finances (unless there is some snobbery towards doing a job beneath her?). I feel in a privaledged position to have found a job that fits around school and to not have to work full-time. I can be there at pick up, still have time in the week to get stuff done, DH works ridiculously hard and I cant imagine filling 5 days with housework/washing (im sure I could, but im not sure its healthy to stay at home 5 days a week when the kids are at school).

MarygoldRose · 08/04/2024 14:01

CrispieCake · 08/04/2024 11:39

@Delatron . Agree with you. It seems to be "why don't you stay home with the kids so I can progress my career?" and then when they're older and not such hard work, "get a job, you lazy sod!" Like a switch has been flicked. But it's not that easy when someone has been out of the workforce for a long time and they need support and encouragement.

The correct way for the husband to have approached this would have been to have asked the OP what her plans were for when their youngest started school and to have had a supportive discussion with her about how they could both work together to get her back into work which she found rewarding and which was financially beneficial for their family.

Because she is not a lawyer. I assume the husband is not stupid and if she were in litigation/arbitration with HNWI, he would have said 'I stay at home, you progress your career'. There are only 2 worthwhile real careers a middle-aged (30+) woman can retrain for - nurse and midwife, but they are uniformed...

spriots · 08/04/2024 14:08

Delatron · 08/04/2024 12:49

Yes exactly. A supportive discussion about the future was all that was needed. They are married. They are supposed to be a team. He’s basically said ‘get a job, any job and don’t expect me to change a thing’ yet apparently poor old him.

Nobody is suggesting that OP never works in the future. It’s the way the DH has gone about it.

Show quote history

I think though it's also about how she has gone about it. She doesn't seem at any point to have had a plan, just content to drift along.

I think this would have gone better if she had gone to ber DH and said "I was thinking about when the youngest starts school, here's what I would like to do.."

MarygoldRose · 08/04/2024 14:11

Delatron · 08/04/2024 12:48

Yes exactly. A supportive discussion about the future was all that was needed. They are married. They are supposed to be a team. He’s basically said ‘get a job, any job and don’t expect me to change a thing’ yet apparently poor old him.

Nobody is suggesting that OP never works in the future. It’s the way the DH has gone about it.

Show quote history

I wish (being a wife but the sole breadwinner) one husband/or breadwinner wife one day will have enough in him/her to say - yes, you find it hard to be a stay at home parent and do all the chores? OK, that is it - I quit. From tomorrow - you provide, you pay the school fees, you go to meetings with hateful people, you chase clients, you agree to the common in the law firms pattern 'you eat what you kill', you do it all and I shall stay in the lovely house you will buy, you will pay to furnish, cook lovely lunches and dinners from the stuff you pay for (we don't look at prices in the supermarket) and then we shall see who is really keeping this whole circus on the road. My little brother married a Bulgarian lady, who thought she blessed him and through him, the whole family by agreeing to marry him. To start with, he went along with the nonsense - paid for her 'psychology' degree, house, holidays, child private nursery, her parents' trips to the UK, their private treatment in the UK - because hey, it is a team, right, all family money, not his money, they are partners. Then she sold her mud hut (they are beautiful and white-washed, but they are mud huts with thatched roof) back home and genuinely thought the money was only hers. She was vocal about it - it is MY PARENTS' home she kept saying, nothing to do with the UK. The penny dropped then. He realised that all talk about 'equal' partnership is from a 'partner' who does not contribute financially. He did not have the guts to quit his job, but divorced her, as he had enough of being the 'unreasonable husband' and wanting his wife to work instead of doing a PhD in psychology which she wanted to do after her BA.

Holidayshopping · 08/04/2024 14:11

There are only 2 worthwhile real careers a middle-aged (30+) woman can retrain for

Why only those two?!

DreadPirateRobots · 08/04/2024 14:33

Holidayshopping · 08/04/2024 14:11

There are only 2 worthwhile real careers a middle-aged (30+) woman can retrain for

Why only those two?!

Seriously. The fuck?!

(Signed, someone who retrained into tech in their late 30s and isn't done yet...)

Delatron · 08/04/2024 14:35

There are loads of careers women at any age can retrain for. The point is it’s better to have a long term plan than take any old low paying job which invariably have very little flexibility.

Unless the husband doesn’t support the retraining period. But that would be quite short sighted of him.

Delatron · 08/04/2024 14:35

There are loads of careers women at any age can retrain for. The point is it’s better to have a long term plan than take any old low paying job which invariably have very little flexibility.

Unless the husband doesn’t support the retraining period. But that would be quite short sighted of him.

Delatron · 08/04/2024 14:36

There are loads of careers women at any age can retrain for. The point is it’s better to have a long term plan than take any old low paying job which invariably have very little flexibility.

Unless the husband doesn’t support the retraining period. But that would be quite short sighted of him.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 08/04/2024 14:36

Holidayshopping · 08/04/2024 14:11

There are only 2 worthwhile real careers a middle-aged (30+) woman can retrain for

Why only those two?!

You're talking a load of rubbish and seriously underestimating yourself and other women of that age and older.

I've known women retrain to be lawyers in their 30s and 40s and practice for one example.

CrispieCake · 08/04/2024 16:10

MarygoldRose · 08/04/2024 14:11

I wish (being a wife but the sole breadwinner) one husband/or breadwinner wife one day will have enough in him/her to say - yes, you find it hard to be a stay at home parent and do all the chores? OK, that is it - I quit. From tomorrow - you provide, you pay the school fees, you go to meetings with hateful people, you chase clients, you agree to the common in the law firms pattern 'you eat what you kill', you do it all and I shall stay in the lovely house you will buy, you will pay to furnish, cook lovely lunches and dinners from the stuff you pay for (we don't look at prices in the supermarket) and then we shall see who is really keeping this whole circus on the road. My little brother married a Bulgarian lady, who thought she blessed him and through him, the whole family by agreeing to marry him. To start with, he went along with the nonsense - paid for her 'psychology' degree, house, holidays, child private nursery, her parents' trips to the UK, their private treatment in the UK - because hey, it is a team, right, all family money, not his money, they are partners. Then she sold her mud hut (they are beautiful and white-washed, but they are mud huts with thatched roof) back home and genuinely thought the money was only hers. She was vocal about it - it is MY PARENTS' home she kept saying, nothing to do with the UK. The penny dropped then. He realised that all talk about 'equal' partnership is from a 'partner' who does not contribute financially. He did not have the guts to quit his job, but divorced her, as he had enough of being the 'unreasonable husband' and wanting his wife to work instead of doing a PhD in psychology which she wanted to do after her BA.

Show quote history

Yes of course if you marry someone workshy or a golddigger, they're going to take you for as much as they can get.

Rather different to a scenario where a couple have been together since university or their early work lives, built up assets/a life together, worked hard and then one partner takes a career break when children arrive or they move country or some other life event intervenes.

KirstenBlest · 08/04/2024 16:15

@MarygoldRose , 30+ is not middle-aged. 30+ is a millennial. Middle-aged is 45-65.

middle-aged
[mɪdəlˈeɪdʒd]
adjective

(of a person) aged about 45 to 65:
"the crowd was predominantly middle-aged" · "the last-gasp ambitions of the middle-aged"

MarygoldRose · 08/04/2024 16:57

KirstenBlest · 08/04/2024 16:15

@MarygoldRose , 30+ is not middle-aged. 30+ is a millennial. Middle-aged is 45-65.

middle-aged
[mɪdəlˈeɪdʒd]
adjective

(of a person) aged about 45 to 65:
"the crowd was predominantly middle-aged" · "the last-gasp ambitions of the middle-aged"

45 x 2 (because middle is just that, in the middle, half of life) - 90 and 65 is 130. I don't know any who lived to that age. In my book middle age is 35 or if you are very lucky, 40, I am afraid.

MarygoldRose · 08/04/2024 16:59

Holidayshopping · 08/04/2024 14:11

There are only 2 worthwhile real careers a middle-aged (30+) woman can retrain for

Why only those two?!

I come from a background where you have to earn a living (not inherit, not live off interest, etc.) and in my neck of the woods these are the only realistic careers which will give immediate employment and a good salary with it. I wish I knew other careers like that, but I don't.

Medschoolmum · 08/04/2024 17:01

MarygoldRose · 08/04/2024 16:59

I come from a background where you have to earn a living (not inherit, not live off interest, etc.) and in my neck of the woods these are the only realistic careers which will give immediate employment and a good salary with it. I wish I knew other careers like that, but I don't.

Show quote history

I appreciate that you may not know of other career options, but that doesn't mean that they don't exist. It merely means that you don't know very much about career options.

Medschoolmum · 08/04/2024 17:02

MarygoldRose · 08/04/2024 16:57

45 x 2 (because middle is just that, in the middle, half of life) - 90 and 65 is 130. I don't know any who lived to that age. In my book middle age is 35 or if you are very lucky, 40, I am afraid.

Show quote history

Not many people would argue that 35 is middle aged these days. At 40, you might get more takers.

Holidayshopping · 08/04/2024 17:14

MarygoldRose · 08/04/2024 16:59

I come from a background where you have to earn a living (not inherit, not live off interest, etc.) and in my neck of the woods these are the only realistic careers which will give immediate employment and a good salary with it. I wish I knew other careers like that, but I don't.

Show quote history

Well you’re hardly unusual with that background! That’s what most people do. I don’t know anyone that doesn’t need to work and can live off interest or inheritance!

Luckily, I know of more than two careers that will give immediate employment though 😂

Canthave2manycats · 08/04/2024 17:15

MarygoldRose · 08/04/2024 14:01

Because she is not a lawyer. I assume the husband is not stupid and if she were in litigation/arbitration with HNWI, he would have said 'I stay at home, you progress your career'. There are only 2 worthwhile real careers a middle-aged (30+) woman can retrain for - nurse and midwife, but they are uniformed...

Show quote history

Well I wouldn't be taking careers advice from you!! What a load of nonsense!