DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.

What are your ambitions, OP?

In your shoes, I'd forget the idea of waitress/ retail etc - you don't really need to do those if your husband is earning such a good salary and as you say, they won't bring in a lot of money. I think your DH is being a bit unreasonable to expect you to do a job like that.

But what I would do is think about these 'ambitions' you do have, and start making a plan to make them a reality.

You deserve a fulfilling life and to achieve what you want to achieve, outside of having children, so you need to start somewhere.

That's you. It's not everyone.

Predictably, the OP hasn't returned. She didn't get the answers she wanted (and 'uniform' is the word that dare not speak its name 😂)

Bravo, I am not a single mum but the sole provider. I too, found the OP post and especially some responses, saying that he should pay for her further education, shocking. I just imagined what I would have done if my husband asked me to pay for his PhD after 9 years of economic inactivity, saying 'it will further his career prospects'.

Because.. looking after the kids is currently her full time job, while working outside the home is his.

Why would he want to do more of her job for her till she’s set up to work outside the home? I wouldn’t.

He can invest his time in supporting her, when she’s back at work and needs it.

Right now they need a plan in place for when she goes back, while he searches for a gig.

As for giving her confidence, what she appears to need right now is a plan to build a career, so he’d be better putting his energy into that.

I think its the op with the problem, not her OH. He suggested now kids are at school you get a job. Yes you've done the child stuff, he paid the bills. Lots of mums would love that opportunity. How do you think other mums manage? House work will need to dip and he needs to understand that.
Op, you sound like you feel you're too good for a uniform job. You may have been to uni but you've got no other qualifications or experience have you?? Welcome to the real world, jobs don't jist fall onto your lap...people who have lots of years behind them with qualifications still get low pay despite working hard.
Start off doing anything to gain experience ( you need to get over the it's beneath me feeling) maybe spend some time doing free online courses.
You need to discuss job types and hours with him. He can't expect you to work full time amd do all child stuff but you both need to plan and look around for flexi jobs.

This is harsh. But true, imo. 🤷

This. Everyone expects low paid jobs to be flexible, some people see them as a "little job" to fit around the kids. They aren't, they tend to be less flexible than a higher paid office job. With retail, many contracts are 12 hours and they expect you to free all the time for shifts and then add more hours on if you want them. Working early mornings, evenings, weekends and bank holidays too. There are less shops/smaller businesses now, it's usually the larger ones like supermarkets who want full availability that have roles. Hospitality is going to include early mornings, evenings and weekends as well depending on the business. I'm sure OP's DH will be thrilled to cover and look after the kids!

Will the OP ever come back? I doubt it

This

I do think the ( invisible) op was unfairly flamed over the uniform comment. I know people who think working in shops or restaurants is demeaning and sometimes it may be bias or their upbringing or just a general feeling it's not a 'good enough ' job. Not suggesting this is right , but how people think and I've known a few like this myself.

Everyone expects low paid jobs to be flexible, some people see them as a "little job" to fit around the kids. They aren't, they tend to be less flexible than a higher paid office job.

Right? Plus you as the lower earner are still expected to take the majority of the domestic load, all sick days and holidays and generally accommodate higer earner's career. It's a scam.
I'm a high earning lawyer, I have blocked time in my calendar to pick up DC from school, no problem. I organise my business trips so they work for my family. Far cry from times I worked one of those 'uniformed' jobs, where shift started at 1AM and that's it.

So he won't do any drop-offs pickups/sick days, and expects you to pick all of these up?

I would timetable this out and ask for his suggestions - make it clear that this isn't a one-way problem.

Having said that, from your point of view, you're in a very dangerous position having no job and entirely depending on him - you do at least claim the child benefit (even if you don't actually get paid it because of high earning) so you're building up pension contributions? As a family you contribute to a private pension for you, and life insurance for both of you?

OP I think you are being incredibly unfair. For context I took time out to be a SAHM fully supported by my DH. I couldn’t go back into the industry I used to work in (Pharma Sales) whilst working around the children, so I initially found stress free admin jobs working 10-2 or similar. Over the years I have changed roles and I now WFH with hours to suit for 3 small non profits doing admin and finances. I work around 20 hours per week and am about to take on a small
trust which will provide me with 5 additional hours. I have more than enough time to do this, run the house, care for our dogs/horses and do all child related things, my DH is often away during the week and when not will work a 12-14 hour day at home. He has no household/child related duties as he’s so busy but will help when he is off or weekends etc.

Financially I do not need to work, but do so because if my husband is working his arse off then I will do the same, it does lessen the pressure on him because everything I do earn either pays for holidays or goes into savings and investments with the goal of shortening his working life.

I bring home around 15k a year, compared to his £240k, his pay rise this year is more than my annual salary. I do joke about my measly pay compared to his but then he shows me the investment pot that my not earning very much has built up. During lockdown I lost my little admin job, I instead donned a uniform and worked as a dinner lady/cleaner at the local school (current one had to shield) and did a shift a week at the supermarket. There really is nothing wrong with uniform working, it was actually quite enjoyable being out doing something while the rest of the country was mostly indoors and definitely kept me sane. I actually kept it all up as long as I was able to until I got too busy again with my freelance work.

Go to work and help your husband out, you will have 6 hours every day free it’s not fair to expect to be a kept woman when he is stressed and struggling to try and give you all more (a bigger house for instance), your wage could quite possibly cover the additional mortgage repayments and fund a little family break

100% this. ‚Any job’ will not work with family life when one partner is taking no parental responsibility at all.

A relative‘s first husband insisted she get any job years and years ago. As soon as she did, he left.

Yes, but as one pp said, if she's from a country where people think those who work in uniform are beneath them (there are some countries like this, heck even in UK some people think like this now, not me) then her comment isn't fair to those who do wear a uniform.

And it seems like she's lived here for a few years, not just arrived here straight off the plane, so she must know our cultural norms. Most people who work in uniforms whether it's as a waitress or as a nurse would feel insulted that OP thinks this work is beneath her because it involves uniform wearing or that his job is better as he goes to work in a better outfit ("suit uniform").

OP has done herself a disservice as I said previously not working for 9 years, no wonder her confidence is shot to pieces.

She can do free training, a friend of mine recently did a teaching English course and is now going to Spain to teach English for a few months.

The OP's phrasing wasn't great but "uniform jobs" are inherently inflexible. You are disposable and expected to be available when the rota says so, and if you take time off when the kids are inevitably ill, you won't get to keep that job ...

"Just any job" is about the worst possible option if working around primary school with limited other support...

I was a SAHM with my DH doing a job that involved unpredictable hours, including a (varied) evening a week and 1 weekend a month. It was nigh on impossible to get a 'little' job to fit around his career. Admittedly my location was worse than London/commuter belt as I was also limited by wrap around availability (only 2 days/week and only until 4.30/5) but almost every NHS admin job advertised required weekend work while hospitality and retail required full flexibility.

How sad that husbands view time at home bringing up children, doing all the housework, cooking etc as mere ‘economic activity’ or ‘sponging’.

For what it’s worth I did work when kids were little but took a bit of time off then decided to retrain so we could all have a better work/life balance. Husband supported this as he’s a nice guy. The money he earns is family money. He wanted me to be happy and change careers. He saw value of me being at home for a few years with young children but also studying so when they went to school I’d have a fulfilling career.

It also worked for him as he travelled with work and could not do his fair share. His career progressed.

They are the good guys. Not the ‘get a bloody job you sponger’ brigade.

@Delatron . Agree with you. It seems to be "why don't you stay home with the kids so I can progress my career?" and then when they're older and not such hard work, "get a job, you lazy sod!" Like a switch has been flicked. But it's not that easy when someone has been out of the workforce for a long time and they need support and encouragement.

The correct way for the husband to have approached this would have been to have asked the OP what her plans were for when their youngest started school and to have had a supportive discussion with her about how they could both work together to get her back into work which she found rewarding and which was financially beneficial for their family.

The husband is just another cunt who thinks women are worthless and he is the king.

Reading through OP's extensive replies, I agree with her that she doesn't have time for a job.

Oh a uniform...the utter shame....not sure how I managed to tolerate it.

Op isn't coming back

Well said. He doesn't just want her to get a job (that part is fair enough), he is dictating to her when, which job and that he won't paid for training, all while not even pretending he will take on some of the household responsibilities when she does get a job. He seems to think just because he makes the money he can control her. IT'S NOT OK.

Yes exactly. A supportive discussion about the future was all that was needed. They are married. They are supposed to be a team. He’s basically said ‘get a job, any job and don’t expect me to change a thing’ yet apparently poor old him.

Nobody is suggesting that OP never works in the future. It’s the way the DH has gone about it.