DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

Has the op actually returned to the thread or is this a word we aren't allowed to mention on here?

You're making excuses.
Lots of women have full time jobs and do all the housework and looking after children (not saying this is right, but I know it's true as I'm one of them).
Getting a job will be beneficial to you long term, you'll be protected financially and it gives a sense of purpose other than being a homemaker.
There is nothing wrong with wearing a uniform or the jobs your husband has suggested.

The OP doesn't have to jump just because her husband says "jump!" though. She's not his chattel to order about. Their joint life needs to work for them both.

In her position, I'd be refusing to get a job if my husband thought his life would continue unchanged. I'd make accepting a job conditional on him first stepping up and doing 50% of everything for the DC and at home. And once he'd proved he could do this, I'd be much happier in going back to work confident that I'd have the support I needed at home.

And if I was the OP, I wouldn't give a fuck about what other women do or could do. Some women have climbed Everest or rowed across the Atlantic. I couldn't do either of those things and nor would I want to. Other women run marathons. I have no desire to do this, I'd rather slob on the sofa and eat chocolate. Neither would I want to hold a full-time job and do 100% of everything at home and for the kids, despite living with another, apparently competent adult. That just wouldn't be an option on my list for how I wanted to live my life.

@CrispieCake Are you a SAHP?

No, I've worked part-time from DC's birth (even during maternity leave). I was working in the hospital the day after DC was born. I work part-time now, though all this really equates to is more flexibility as I work the equivalent of a full-time job taking into account unpaid overtime. My DH and I agree that it's good to have a couple of days a week when I can pick our DC up from school and organise playdates and do playground trips. Just generally be there for DC since DH doesn't get the chance during the week. Although lots of parents do have their DC in ASC 5 days a week and there's nothing wrong with that, it's something we'd prefer to avoid if we can. Again, a joint decision for both of us.

My DH works very long hours in a well-paid job that is often stressful, but that he finds challenging and fulfilling. Great career progression and lots of opportunities. I work in a job paying a lot less, but that I also find challenging and fulfilling, if sometimes stressful. My DH recently took a week off work so that I could go away on a work course for something that I found interesting. I really appreciated it since it's a busy time of the year for him, and he still had to work long days (12-16 hours) while caring for our DC.

I honestly can't imagine DH suggesting, in a world where we were comfortably off, that investing in further education or training for me so I could work in a job or field that I found fulfilling and that had good prospects, would be a waste of money.

She isn’t his chattel but neither is he her meal ticket. And if she approaches it with an attitude like that, she’s likely to end up in the divorce courts.

Of course he needs to step up, but given no one seems to be suggesting she work more than PT, it’s spectacularly unreasonable to expect him to start doing 50% before she gets a job of any description.

Of course he needs to step up, but given no one seems to be suggesting she work more than PT, it’s spectacularly unreasonable to expect him to start doing 50% before she gets a job of any description.

Why? If he proves to her that he'll step up, maybe that will give the OP the confidence she needs to get going again professionally. She's invested her time in his professional life, this is his chance to do the same in return.

It really bugs me when people treat this as an 'anyone could do it' job. No they bloody couldn't!

Come on OP, your kids are going to be in school soon.
Plenty of other women manage to hold down a job.
And it's not a good idea to be financially dependent on a man forever.

I agree. It's a difficult job and extremely underpaid. The TAs I know also seem to do a fair amount of unpaid overtime.

I've only skim read some of the thread, so this has probably been covered already.

If the OP goes into a "low level" job such as waitressing/retail etc, she will likely be on a zero hours contract - and will therefore need to make herself available for work prior to rotas being completed.
Waitressing, in particular, will require her to be available evenings - likely from around 4pm, to set up for evening business.

As a London solicitor, is the OP's DH able to reliably pick up the DC's from after school club at (say) 6pm?
I doubt it.

Is the OP's DH prepared to cover his equal share of DC sickness/INSET days/snow days?
Because, on a zero hours contract, the OP's leverage on this will be severely limited.

The hospitality industry will have very little patience with OP taking time off for child-related stuff, so DH will need to step up.
He'll need to be home sharp each day, and he will need to free himself up to be the default parent evenings and weekends.
If the child is sick at school, and the OP is waitressing at an event, will the DH be able to do his fair share of leaving work to pick up the sick child?

If the DH can commit to all this, I can see this arrangement working.

But, excuse me for feeling cynical.

It is going to be tough getting back into it, but you need to start somewhere to get your confidence back.

I never stopped working as I had the fear of starting again. SIL went back to work after 8 years of SAHM and 2 dc. Prior to stopping she was a very senior level in food manufacturing.

She started back in shop floor retail, quickly became store manager, moved to a job in a small craft startup with just 3 employees and is now a 15% partner in a company with a £1m annual turnover and loving it. Took her around 12 years.

You need to start somewhere, doing nothing will just impact your confidence more and more as time passes, possibly eventually your marriage if your dh resents you free loading and if that happens with no financial independence you will be in real trouble.

Well the particularly nasty ones, I said. That is not the same as a different opinion. Simple, really.

You already have a job @Macadamiamama . Bringing up children is a very difficult and very important job! And also very beautiful and priceless too! Sadly, in our society there is no longer much value or appreciation for parenting and choosing to stay at home to do the job of bringing up children. Mainly because there is no economic value attached to it. A mother is only given value if she is earning money. If she chooses to stay at home and bring up children rather than bring up children AND go out to work which is basically having two jobs, then the woman is seen as "lazy, unambitious, unskilled" the list goes on. Your husband hasn't been supporting you financially, he's been supporting you all financially as a family, whilst you've been doing the hard work of bringing up children! Your youngest is going to reception, not university! So your kids are still young and still need you. I've seen women run themselves into the ground because of the expectations put on them to do the maximum share of parenting as well as go out to work! I totally understand that in today's world, financially alot of the time both parents need to work. Again, sadly, this puts pressure on mums to do everything! @Macadamiamama if you're not ready to work, or if you would rather focus on being a mum, then good for you! Having said all that, I do also think that another sad fact of the society we live in is that mums need a plan B, so although you might not want to go to work, you need to be ready to be employable! So you could some courses and/or some voluntary work, which means you're not spreading yourself too thinly whilst looking after young children, but you're still getting the skills etc to be employed. Also, if he's not going to help with looking after the kids because he works long hours why is he expecting you to work as well as look after the kids?

Civil Service, flexible working, can work term time only, you can work around school hours, say 9.30 - 2.30 5 days a week, full time salary for AA grade starts around £20100 PA.

Agreed 💯. Then even if she works, there’s weighing up the cost of childcare versus how much money is coming in.

That only works around kids if it is at the kids school. Otherwise you have to factor in wraparound care, which might almost wipe out your earnings, depending on the number of children you have.

What is your degree subject OP and what sort of job did you start and enjoy before marriage?

You sound very dismissive of certain roles, which given by your own admission you've never worked in a 'skilled' role is disappointing to read. Your post states he wants you to get 'a' job. Not that he's expecting to be a high income one, you've never had a career, and see many roles as being too menial for you- that's not a great attitude. He however also needs to change his attitude regarding to doing everything- once you start financially contributing, then the home contributions will need to be adjusted as well accordingly- he doesn't get to 'just' work whilst you have to work and maintain the home. When you do secure a job, I'd be splitting certain tasks and making sure he's aware of the reasons why.

You've been very fortunate to stay home as long as you have.

It's time to get a job. Try to see it as an exciting new chapter.

Divide the salary by 2, add in costs from kids... Not a lot left for luxuries in London

I may have missed it but has he asked her to go full time or just contribute? The kids will be in school 5 days a week and I think its not unfair to ask her to work a proportion of that. I did exactly the same after being a SAHM mainly because as much as I take pride in running a home and do consider it to be an incredibly important job, doing it 5 days a week once the kids are in school is not going to be good in the long term with going back to work. How long should she wait? Secondary school age??

Nearly every parent at our school works and everyone manages to be on the school run (Mum or Dad). If she knows its unlikely DH will ever be able to make the school run, there are plenty of part-time admin roles available. Perhaps she could start small - something like 9-2pm a few days a week. As the kids get older and do after school clubs, increase hours. Even if she did 3 days, she would still have 2 full days at home a week to keep on top of everything.

I wonder how far a thread will go on just an OP and no returning to thread.

But there's nothing to say that the husband has to continue financially supporting her. She may end up with no choice

Until it's full at this rate