DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

I have an MSc and tutor/lecture on the undergrad courses (Lit/Creative Arts). I am doing a PhD, but several of the tutor/lecturers on my MA also only had MA/MPhils; supervisors were PhDs.

Semesters run in line with school terms, teaching actually only 10weeks per semester (Sem1 Oct-Jan, with xmas off, assignments/exams in jan; Sem 2 Feb-Aug, teaching finishing in May, assignments/exams in June/July, marking July/Aug); most tutors only have student face to face time 2 days a week (1-2 days are set aside for research/work on subject specialisms as well as departmental admin and course planning/marking); many tutorials done by zoom as students often commute to campus now. In STEM there can be more contact time, but not necessarily.

So, no, I am not joking.

Yes bit much from someone who hasn't even got a job lol

Frankly, you sound spoilt and you need to think of options before your DC starts school
Your DH is feeling pressured to support you all financially even though your household contribution is to keep the house running.
What work did you do from home?
Could you return to similar as it would be easier with your DC at school?
Could you tutor in your native language?
I would look into an agency as they have varied roles available
DH will need to consider pick up/ drop offs or wrap around care( I bet he hasn't!) around your potential hours

Yes exactly. Im not saying it’s completely effort free but my god 99% of people manage to survive doing these tasks whilst working.

Wholeheartedly agree. If you over describe the minuatie of a task to its components it makes it seem bigger or harder than it is
Vast majority of Folk work ,sort out their adult life and their kids too. They don’t call it running a home or life admin. They just crack the fuck on

Oh, so PT, teaching only posts done by PhD students.

Not a FT university lecturer post. Because FT academics do not only work 22 weeks a year. Even the teaching takes up way more time than this, because of marking and exam boards and MSc students needing dissertation supervision all summer, and resits, and so on.

I was an academic for a long time (but left to make more money in a less toxic environment). This is not the same thing at all. And still seems like a pretty daft suggestion as an easy career option.

Or compare it to having housekeepers and chefs and suggest that the DH should be paying the SAHM. It's truly laughable.

I think he needs to concentrate on HIS career and stop telling her what he expects from her . He needs to appreciate all the freedom he has to advance his career and earn a better salary because he doesn't have any responsibilities for anything else! Any lawyer who expects his wife to go out waiting on tables needs to work harder on his career.

Conversely, any woman who expects her partner to have sole financial responsibility and be work donkey,she needs to work. Start with work, harder can follow once she wraps her head around it. She need to explore Notion of partnership and contribution. At moment she passively takes a and he is stressed a and has burden of sole earner

I didn't read what other people had written so far, so if it has already been mentioned, I apologise. You've mentioned you are not from UK. Are you fluent in any other languages besides English? You could work as a self employed translator and/or interpreter ( and get a professional qualification while working, it is very doable and it is not very expensive at all). The money is not bad, you can choose your hours, work as much or as little as you want ( you can work exclusively from home, if you prefer). The work is interesting, rewarding, and you can easily do it while your children are at school.

Wow. Replies like this put women to shame.

Actually that is excellent suggestion
I will add caveat the work can be distressing eg safeguarding or mental health
However definitely a good suggestion an we use teleconference and face to face

Agree you can't be a SAHM for ever. But you do need a plan.

Meanwhile, I love the idea of you being a waitress. Take a job which involves evenings and weekends, as such jobs do. He'll soon be screaming for help.........

(no offence to waiters/waitresses - but I doubt OP's DH has any intention of looking after his own children........??)

@Teenagehorrorbag She doesn't need his permission to get a job working evenings; she should just get one and leave him to sort their kids.
I don't get why children are so often seen more as the responsibility of mother than father?
Unless of course in reality.she doesn't actually want to work?

It wasn’t an easy option - it was a possible option.

PT teaching combined with private tutoring/writing/other related work. And NOWHERE did I say they only work 22 weeks a year - I stated student contact time is largely confined to 20 weeks a year - research, admin, [prep for] academic conferences, supervision, examinations and marking taking up the rest and which is mainly done from home not on campus so can fit around children who are home from school (have had several tutorials and supervisions with paint covered primary school children wandering in).

And I think if you were still in academia, you’d find it has changed in recent years due to covid, salary cuts, lack of funding across all departments, staff retention issues, union strikes and a whole host of other issues. But please do continue to be patronising.

I suggested it to OP because it is precisely what I did to ease myself back into employment after a 12year career break raising SEN children, and has opened doors to other related income streams.

To go a step further, plenty of people have to manage full time work and children.

Full time job, 3 dc and I’m studying for a level 7 post grad diploma. I’m a great mum and role model for my dc. I cook from scratch most nights etc. compromise is a cleaner.

I returned to work PT a few months ago after SAHM. Last week DH had two days off (it's school hols here) and did all the child care, housework & cooking. I just had to get myself ready, swan off to work then home to a meal and tidy house. I was much less stressed.

I told DH he has definitely had the better end of the stick & from now on he was getting up earlier etc to help out with the DC more as I saw how easy he had it. Working PT or not, the household side of things is much harder. It's Monday morning here & I'm in the work carpark. I've already hit the wall from getting the kids out the door to vacation care.

Hi OP

I havent read the full thread but wondered what ambitions you had ... whilst you might think it's not worth it now, you may find it more than worth your while beginning g to explore how you follow your ambitions professionally as well as personally in relation to being at home for kids..its important to do both

We may be able to help u rhink about the professional ambitions and how to start slowly with that in the context fo young children. They qonr be you forever so it's good to start building for qhne thhe don't need you not least because if your dh doesn't, you are in trouble without a career!

Beat wishes

And how did you reach this conclusions? OP is the one who is turning her nose up at lowly jobs that “require uniform” but somehow you claim it’s her husband who is insisting she walks into a £70k job.

And how have you also concluded that he asked her to quit her job and support his dreams? Most times it’s women who want to stay home with the kids not the man insisting.

Exactly. OP do you think it’s more commendable to stay at home jobless than it is to be out there working in a uniform? Get a grip. Some of the most respected professions involve uniform- nursing, military…youd do well to have the opportunity how dare you.

I also said Wow when I read that response. Imagine - you work for a decade in a stressful job, supporting your family and now would like some help in doing so and you are told to work harder. Shame that we don't encourage women to look at their own careers and earning power but instead deflect on to a man.

Can you imagine if a woman was the sole breadwinner and asked her husband to get PT employment and someone here said SHE should work harder? Ha!

Relationships evolve. You are equal partners in your relationship. It suited you both, not just him, for you to stay at home when your children were tiny. It wasn't some big favour either he did you or you did him. It was what you both decided was best for your family unit at that time.

The thing that gets me is that he seems to view you as some pawn that he can move about the board depending on what suits him best. If it suits him that you should be a SAHM and housewife, fine. If it suits him to put you to work in a minimum wage job, also fine according to some posters above. But you're not some kind of donkey that he owns. You're a person in your own right and his life partner.

This shouldn't be how relationships work. Yes, he isn't solely responsible for supporting you and the whole household indefinitely, but he needs to acknowledge you the person, with dreams and aspirations but also thoughts and uncertainties of your own. He shouldn't be dictating to you what you need to do going forward, but you should both be supporting each other to achieve your life and work aspirations. You've had a number of years in the thick of family life - the sleepless nights, the exhaustion, the focus on the day-to-day, the boredom that comes with caring for very young children.

Having children changes you, especially if you're the person carrying 95% of the physical and mental load. It is very easy to lose yourself and some of your confidence during this time, especially if you take longer to get back to work, where you have a separate and distinct identity. And when finally your children are sleeping through and don't require your constant attention, and are becoming a bit more self-sufficient, suddenly you start finding yourself bit by bit again. I remember having a moment when I thought "oh there you are!" and I finally had the energy and mental headspace to connect with the person I was pre-DC again.

Unless you as a family are in a financially difficult place, I don't think he has any business demanding that you go out and get any job that you can the minute your youngest is in school. You did what you did for the benefit of the family, including him, and he at least owes you the courtesy of giving you time, and investing sufficient resources in you, to help you to work towards a job that will enable you both to contribute towards the family financially and have some degree of work satisfaction and prospect of progression. Anything else is just disrespectful of your marriage - it is a joint project for your mutual benefit and the benefit of your children, not a sole project purely for his benefit.

Once the youngest DC is in school you'll have loads of time to get a job. You could put DC in breakfast club and start work at 9 and if your kids school does wrap around care pick them up at 5.30pm. You could easily work 3 days a week and leave 2 whole days for chores at home and batch cooking. It's not fair not to contribute financially once kids are at school.

I think your husband is being really unfair and completely undermining you. You have been working - you have been contributing at least £30,000 per annum in monetary value to your household by being a stay-at-home parent, and enabling your Husband to climb his career ladder. He still expects you to continue to do all of this, whilst working a dead-end minimum wage job on top (which is ridiculous). All of these arguments saying that women are bone idle for having a few hours free each day when their kids are at school are completely forgetting that they are working between the hours of 7-9am in the morning (getting kids up, breakfasts, school runs etc.) and then 3-10pm at night (cooking dinners, school pick up's etc.) as well as being available all day as well as at weekends is insane!

It's estimated that women (including working women) spend 45 hours per week doing unpaid childcare,(plus countless hours of cleaning and cooking on top)! This is nuts... how have we got to a position when women are so undervalued and unable to have even a second of free time without being seen as bone idle! You can't have women being forced to work around 85 hours a week minimum (plus commute times), as well as raising a family! Also, it's important to note that you are actually never entitled to take any annual leave from being a Mum, it's a 24 hour job! It's so sad to see that even on a site called Mumsnet this race to the bottom approach, and disregard for stay-at-home mothers has become so common place. I hope you can resolve this issue, I really feel for you. You are not lazy like the other posters are saying, and you have contributed significantly to your family.

P.s. you should force your Husband to take a week off of work to look after the kids, and do all the things you do plus a minimum hours job on top (and see how he copes). It's about time he starts to respect you.

https://www.madeformums.com/news/stay-at-home-mums-work-worth-30000-a-year/#

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2022/mar/31/almost-half-of-working-age-women-in-uk-do-45-hours-of-unpaid-care-a-week-study

https://www.starlingbank.com/news/women-report-doing-majority-of-household-tasks-in-relationships/#