DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

being a sahp is actually ardest job in the world

Your latest post has confirmed my suspicions - your H has gone AWOL.

https://www.currys.co.uk/products/goji-3in1-wireless-keyboard-and-mouse-set-pink-10248707.html

You’re welcome! 😘

@bluewanda I’ve been a SAHM (before children were school age) and someone in a stressful job (teacher). The former was much, much easier.

Being a SAHM when your kids are all at school is harder than working?

I find that hard to believe to be honest.

Have some of the posters on here failed to read the OP, there's lots of people saying she gave up her career to facilitate his. OP states that she did her degree in her home country, moved here worked a bit on and off then had children and gave up work. She doesn't say that she was in a career, working towards or particularly interested in one.

She makes clear that her DH is fine with whatever job she gets, she just doesn't want to get one that she thinks is beneath her.

She makes clear that their financial situation currently doesn't allow them as a family to do what they want - buy a house and go on holidays.

So why are so many people making out that OPs DH is unreasonable for asking her to contribute to the household finances, or that she is perfectly reasonable to want to just stay home wasting all day everyday doing not much of anything while she waits for her children's school day to end so she can go pick them up?

Part time work is an achievable goal, it may be difficult to find M-F 10-2, but that isn't the only option, she could work 8hr days on Tuesday and a Thursday for example and the kids go to before and after school twice a week, or they may have family who could help.

Like every other family with 2 working parents they would need to use holiday clubs for some of the holidays but there are 13 weeks of those, between the 2 parents they will have at least 10 weeks A/l which means 3 weeks holiday club, make it 5 so they can have a couple of weeks all together, spread the cost of that over a years worth of the extra income into the household and they won't negate each other so it will still have been worth working, especially if using an Ofsted registered holiday club and the govt tax free childcare scheme.

😆

Christ, that’s basic
Try harder

So, for example, an MSc conversion (1 year, funded by a govt loan) would mean getting a trainee psychologist job (SLT for example are desperately needed). About £25kpa at the start, but closer to £70k after 10 years in the NHS, more if in mixed/private practice? Or law… similar pay trajectory. An MSc in Comp Sci/IT if first degree is related would also reap dividends as new Comp Sci grads earn £30-65k…

Or an MSC means you can become a uni lecturer? Starting pay £35k; term time hours.

All have career potential that would support OP’s DH in that house move and would underwrite additional childcare costs or an annual holiday.

All depends on Op’s degree discipline and interests.

i agree, but not if i was the only breadwinner as that in itself is really stressful knowing that the whole household depends on you and theres no other financial back up.

He won’t change anything in his life
This needs emphasising to him. Theres a massive list of jobs that need to be done in the running of a home. If he is working long hours and doing nothing in the home, who else is sharing the work?

Being a SAHM when your kids are all at school is harder than working?

Absolutely - they finish school at 3.30…! Whereas I was in my job until 7 most days and not home until past 8. So I missed the vast majority of the daily slog (and feel rather lucky to have done so!)

Don’t you mean arder?

Or do you only drop the H when you’re making a pathetic attempt to disparage women?

Anything that fits around school with the kids! Lunchtime organiser, school cook, TA, anything!

my son is the same age as your youngest and I have worked full time since he was 7 months old. I’m a teacher and I don’t have capacity to wfh! I also don’t just work ‘school hours’ either and am often in work before half 7 and leaving around 5-6pm depending on how much setting up I have to do.

Not that I’m criticising but it can be done if you want to find a way around it!

Pretty well all "low stress" jobs require a lot more flexibility than someone attempting to work in school hours has, especially when the other parent is in an unpredictable (or predictably antisocial hours) role.

Most waitress roles tend to include "dinner" shift and I can't see a lawyer who gets home for bath time, sometimes being keen to facilitate a shift starting at 6pm.

Likewise the person in the established job will need to take the brunt of 'crap, child just vomited' days off, especially day 2 where child feels fine and is bored because they are able to WFH...

In some ways a SAHM is there to be "available through the "plague years" of Reception and Y1. By Y2 you have a better chance of child actually managing to wash their hands effectively and have gained some immunity to many of the local bugs plus they might well manage a day in front of a screen/drawing without input to allow WFH.

Part of the calculation is is it better to risk the well paid job on a point of principle, or risk a failure at the new job because children are sick all the bloody time.

I'm lucky that my background pre kids got me a well paid part time job for a public sector organisation when my youngest started school. DH works a compressed week and I can WFH if my Y4 is off sick (but not if my YR is). If I have external meetings DH can come home to cover (not an office job) so we can make it works just about (plus we have public sector holiday too).

It might just be worth looking at university catering as a school friendly, potentially term time only option - but DH would likely need to sort drop off/breakfast club. This is usually a role you can "work up" in so might work if location is doable.

‘Between 2 parents’… the DH has said he’s not willing to change anything so no juggling from him..

Does your DH help? Who is taking the kids to school and collecting if you’re out of the house from 7 - after 6?

I'm aghast at some of the responses on here and the level of animosity towards OP. I actually think OP has a husband problem. After 9 years he's decided that your previous agreement of you being a SAHM doesn't work for him. And he expects you to find a job now before the kids go to school. Despite you not really having worked for 9 years, parenting alone because he works long hours and despite you saying it was too difficult last year when you worked from home to fit in with the kids. Oh and he says he won't pay for further education. He sounds bloody awful. It's not as if you haven't tried to work, because clearly you have. Perhaps your post about the jobs was misread. I interpreted it as someone who might want the option of having a career instead of being expected to find any old job because her DH tells her she has to.

Tell him you can look for a job when he starts looking after his kids so that you have time to do so. He's currently not willing to invest in you (won't pay for further education) and he's not interested in your well being or happiness as demonstrated by his lack of concern about you struggling to do all of the housework and childcare alone. What he should be doing, is asking you what you would like to do if you were to work again and what can he do to support you?

Tell him that if you do find work, you will absolutely not be double shifting. He doesn't, so why should you. If he's really struggling with that, make him a timetable, split it 50/50 that's fair. Clearly he does not value what you do at home or he thinks that it's insignificant so perhaps when he has to parent, cook dinner, clean he may change his mind. Alternatively he can pay for any work he's not willing to do (cooking, cleaning, parenting). If he still doesn't like that, tell him he should find a new job.

I agree that there’s nothing wrong with a uniform whatever the job. I’ve worn a uniform for most of my working life as a nurse. I had a spell wearing my own clothes but am now back in uniform, and can see no downside to it. It’s smart, it costs me nothing and I never have to think about what to wear for work!!

Agree with all this and I am aghast at many of the responses. The husband sounds awful.

Hes not asking her to get a 70k job. Just a job.

Or an MSC means you can become a uni lecturer? Starting pay £35k; term time hours.

Erm… this is just inaccurate.

Unless you have significant, relevant professional experience, a university is going to expect a PhD for lecturing posts. And even with the PhD, you’ll probably need a significant publication record, possibly a couple of post docs, teaching experience, and so on.

And term time hours? Are you joking? Most universities have good annual leave benefits, but lecturers do not work term time hours.

University lecturing is not a viable suggestion for this OP.

Im sorry but it sounds like he agreed for you to be a sahm while the kids are at home. They now wont be.

As you said in your post, he works long hours and is always stressed....to pay for your family and so you can be a sahm. Now the kids are in education, yes you should be going back to work to also contribute financially.

There are single mums who manage. You're very lucky to have had a husband who was willing to work long hours, miss out on time with kids, and work in a stressful job so that you could stay home for 9 years.

@bluewanda So what does a SAHM genuinely do all day, every day while the kids are at school?

Absolutely agree.

OK yes OP is doing all the parenting/housework, however, once both her children are in school she'll essentially have 30hrs free a week. If her husband is working long hours, say he's out 12 hours a day including commute time, what is he really going to do when he's home?

OP can work part-time. It does not have to be term-time or school hours which are likely harder to come by as so many people want them.

What's to stop OP working a few 8 hour shifts a week? It sounds like OP just doesn't want to work.

They can't afford to do the things OP listed so they need more income. I don't see any reason why OP can't get a job, she needs to start somewhere.

Most parents have to work full time or 1 full-time 1 part-time. Usually the lower paid worker takes the time off if kids are poorly.

I'm sorry but my personal opinion is that if all your children are at school there's no reason for you not to work. If you can afford to live the life you want on one salary and the single person earning it is happy, then fine. That is not the case here.

The replies on here saying hes an awful husband are genuinely shocking to me.

Im a single mum, i work full time, do the cleaning, the cooking etc and manage just fine.

Your husband has been working long hours, missing out on time with his kids, in a stressful job, to pay your life while you've had the privilege of being a sahm for 9 years.

And now he's an awful husband for wanting you to now contribute financially now the kids are in school, and hes an awful husband because you cant stay home and cook and clean?

The entitlement of some women is shocking and theres no wonder women crumble financially when it comes to divorce.

Yup. Prone to being argumentative and mendacious
I did (vainly) attempt to interject humour at the stereotypical wittering ardest job in the world. I’m disparaging the phrase and the sentiment behind it. BTW It’s not necessarily male. I hear it in Kat slater stylee not male at all. Ardest job in the world IS total Kat slater , is one of those trite phrases that get trotted out as if it’s a sage truism. It isn’t

This ^
“support me" Jesus. If he had to pay a full time housekeeper, cook, nanny etc what would that all add up to? He ought to be paying you! What happened to running a home and raising kids being valued? But as soon as you said ‘lawyer’ I knew what it’d be.