DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

I was a receptionist as a job when I was a student at uni! Not sure there’s much career progression

Treesandsheepeverywhere

This - i knew loads of people like this too. Hopeful they could do enough at home to justify never working again. Often doing stuff that didn't need doing! I knew a woman who was constantly cleaning the house to justify her being at home.

You can get a student loan for bachelors and masters degrees or an advanced learners loan for college courses.

There are lots of flexible part time jobs.Many people have flexible jibs working from home.Perha poo s op could join an agency abd do care work around school hours ? O sorry she implied wearing a uniform was beneath her.

No, she wants to have further education and get a professional job like her husband, who she has supported for 9 years.

Stop pulling women down.

That’s the point isn’t it. She can do this for herself if she wants to but he shouldn’t be forcing her.

In her shoes, I wouldn’t make life choices about the measly pension she will be able to save in those jobs over the next few years when she has very young children and a stressed out busy husband. If they divorce he will need to share his assets, in fact it might be counterproductive to get a good asset split for her to have her own low paid job rather than be demonstrably supporting their family life.

It’s not the 1950s but he is living like it is - no he won’t be taking days off work when the kids are sick, covering inset days, or doing the school pick ups. If he wants to have the lifestyle where he is not troubled by the practicalities of a home life then he better pull his finger out and earn and save plenty for both of them. NQ salary bands at most firms are over £100K now but I infer we’re talking about someone such as a senior associate so quite a bit more. If he can’t earn enough to support his family properly then they need a serious discussion about what gives (but I can’t imagine the solution would be his wife becomes a waitress - more likely he looks to double his earnings as a US firm or push hard for partnership where he is).

It’s not a popular opinion I realise but then maybe lots of people don’t realise that he should be targeting to earn at least several hundred thousand, maybe a million - so her hypothetical waitress earnings are just irrelevant in comparison.

Sounds like he has a bee in his bonnet about you "not earning".

Talk to him and explain that you will not walk into a well paid job so you will be earning a basic wage, and in turn you will have to pay another (likely) woman a basic wage to look after your children while you are working for aforementioned basic wage.

Being there for your children is a job that someone is going to have to do.

Wrong, many professional women wear uniforms who have done degree courses.You are missing the point about her belittling people who wear uniforms.Sge could work whilst doing a course many women manage this.

Yep. The OP may have explained it a little clumsily but he needs to facilitate her getting a job that can have good long term prospects with a pension.

No, it’s YOU who is spectacularly missing the point. It’s not flighty or superior to want to have further education and a career afterwards.

Her DH refuses to do any housework when she gets a job and you want her to do the housework, a job and a course at the same time? Are you for real?

I started back at work when my youngest was 3.

Previous career was Exec Assistant and I earnt £40k a year. Didn't fancy the stress and travel anymore so... yup, I got a job wearing a uniform and did evenings at McDonalds, I was earning, out the house and got a bit of "me" back. Loved it! Stayed for 2 years till DD started school then the nights weren't feasible so now I work part time during school hours doing companionship care for people in their own homes.

Nothing wrong with wearing a uniform at all!

Please control your aggression its only a mumsnet thread .Sge could get a cleaner .

Women who don’t work at all and rely on a husband ‘s income are mad.

Well apparently she’s been sat on her arse sponging off him for 9 years..

Sometimes women are their own worst enemies..

My mother is a headmistress, my step-dad a teacher, I've worked in over 35 schools in 18 years. I must know hundreds of TAs, and not one of them started unqualified, bar the headmasters niece. Not impossible, but there are usually over 500 applicants for teaching assistants, and most are qualified.

The only one who is out of touch is op's husband who thinks op can get a full time job and still do all the childcare while he continues to not lift a finger

So far so typical. When a woman disagrees with you she is ‘aggressive’.

Why can’t he organise the house and a cleaner? Very telling you see it as OP’s job. And cleaners clean, they don’t do all the housework.

Do you even know what it takes to run a house?

Yes, but respectfully, what the F has she been doing for those past 9 years? Surely her DH hasn't been letting her stay home all those years even if it has been at the expense of e.g. saving nursery fees? She has her own brain and she must know how things work in the UK, e.g. if you don't work soon after having kids it's harder to rejoin the job market later. Why hasn't she been studying in these 9 years?

She has a degree yes, but was this transferable to the UK? If not, why didn't she go about getting it that way?

Both my parents are also teachers and our school has just asked parents if they would be willing to.come in for a few hours due to lack of TAs.
Nearly every TA in the school is a current parent (or youngster working towards a teaching degree)

She’s been having babies, raising the babies whilst DH works long hours and also doing all the housework which DH refuses to help with.

What else did you expect her to be doing?

Laughing at this running a home notion. It’s a flat in London.Not a big estate. No flat in London needs a woman running it, to extent she can’t work..Pre-mechanisation of task yes the home tasks were time consuming. Yet still women worked

Nowdays we have time saving devices and online facilities
banking online to move money and pay services
Pay bills by DD
online communications
minimal written correspondence
electronic diary reminders of birthdays & events
online food delivery
Hoover
freezer
fridge
dishwasher
microwave
slow cooker
batch cook & freeze portions

Looking after her children. That's what she's being doing for 9 years, and doing all of the housework/life admin/everything that isn't his paid job. Sounds like she's being doing everything related to the children and the house. I went back to work after children, and I can still see that. Difference is that my DH is supportive and helps with our children equally, that's made it possible. OP, I'd try and find something where you can progress, try Civil Service roles for part-time and you can progress from entry level upwards, you want something you can progress in with a good pension.

My other half was like this. Thought I could go full time when the youngest started at school but still expected me to do all of the cleaning, all of the child rearing, all of the kids admin, all of the food shop and cooking for it to be me to take time off when the kids weren't at school because he obviously couldn't because of his very important job!

He just didn't get it when I showed him the figures. That it would cost £200/week in childcare for before and after school plus then even more in the school holidays even though he would be off work but wouldn't take care of the kids (wanted me to get a job where I would be off in the hols). I worked part time and made the same money as I would have after paying for childcare if I'd worked full time. Just couldn't understand how that worked even though I presented him with the figures. Basically, he wanted me to have two full time jobs, one paid and the unpaid one of single handedly raising our kids and being a housemaid!

But he should be forced to be the financial provider for as long as OP fancies it?

housework/life admin/everything that isn't a paid job That is Tasks. Working parents manage this day in and day out. None of those tasks require an adult FT. Only the childcare need responsible adult Ft.
out of interest what is life admin? Emails, planning socials, sending cards is not onerous.