DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

The fact you are only now thinking about all of this is questionable. Why on earth didn't you consider this before, and make plans over the 9 years you had?

Exactly.

I understand the principle about childcare being a shared expense, albeit it's sometimes one that can't be afforded. But when one partner wants the SAHP to get a job to improve the finances, obviously in order to know whether it would actually do that, the full costs of the childcare this requires have to be offset against the lower earner's wage. And only theirs.

None of which is to say there aren't sometimes other good reasons for working, even at very little benefit or a loss. But they don't tell us whether working in a particular job now is going to make the household more money than, say, retraining and working later.

Totally, they should share. He should not be the only one carrying a financial burden. I am a wife, been sole bread winner, done that. Not in a million years would I pay for my husband's career enhancement, whist busting my gut to pay for everything else. Family needs are here and now - and the nebulous prospects of career advancement of a foreigner in the UK past the age of 30 with 9 years of economic inactivity?

Go to work, it will be nice for you after all this time at home but be sure he understands that any time the children are sick he will have to take time off work and drop offs and pick ups/holiday etc will have to be shared.

Care work. Join local NHS bank and work hours you chose. You don’t have set hours so if need be off for a school event or holidays then you simply don’t work those times. It’s a 24/7 demand inc weekend and BH there is a flexibility of hour you chose

Oh, I'm not denying that it might make his life easier. Just as her life will be easier by virtue of not having to worry about earning a living. In that sense, they each make each other's lives easier.

To be clear, I'm not saying that SAHPs add no value. Of course, it would be nice to not have to think about the housework and come home to a cooked meal. I'm simply saying that it's primarily a benefit in terms of lifestyle - I don't think that having a SAHP typically any real impact on the WOHP's career progression, though there may be very occasional exceptions to this, e.g. in careers where there are global mobility requirements and/or extensive hosting requirements etc.

@Peaceandquietandacuppa So many people wrongly assume TA'ing fits in around kids, but likely OP would need wraparound care before and after school and the pay is absolutely horrendous. Nowhere near the "equivalent" of minimum wage as not ft hours.
@OOBetty I couldn't agree more. Husband and I both work but we both take time off if our toddler poorly/needs taking to appts etc. In fact, he does far more of that than me as his work is flexible whereas mine is not. I'm a teacher so yes, I look after little one in school holidays, but there are very strict rules surrounding time off in term time.
No idea why the onus in 2024 is still on women to do the majority of childcare or why we should be accepting/facilitating this. Or indeed why women shouldn't be contributing financially to the upbringing of their children.

Am I being too superior

That is putting it a lot more politely than I would.

Well the DH didn’t seem to have an issue with her being home until now? I’m guessing since they are a partnership and married that it was mutually agreed rather than the OP insisting. And we have seen that he barely made it home for bathtime very occasionally so on paper it has served him well in his career.

I’m still wondering where all the money goes…

It isn’t though
What happens when she retires….where’s her personal pension
What happens if they split……she has no career, no pension and has to start at the bottom

Where are her friends and life outside of family and home….they don’t exist.

Its not all about her dhs career progression, we really don’t live in the 20th century / 1950s anymore.

Women do have every right to life outside the home just as much as men.

He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

The other reasons for not working are fibs you’re telling yourself. This paragraph says it all. You think the world you’re qualified to do is beneath you. Good luck finding a job- the superiority complex is coming off you in waves

OP - what qualifications do you have?

A degree from outside the UK, it's in her OP. No idea what it's in though.

You had a dh problem. You were working double shifts but he wasn’t.

The thing is you assume all the money you earn is yours. Just yours!
I don’t

I see marriage, partnerships children etc as sharing.
I don’t view everything as this is mine and this is yours.

As long as I believe in everything joint and you see yours as yours, his is his….we will never agree.

We have completely different ways of living as a family.

I think it’s always good to have a job for yourself . To have your own money and pay into a pension and importantly to have a life outside the home. Give it a go, be confident in yourself , you may enjoy it more than you think and it will give extra income for luxuries. DH will have to help out though and definitely get a cleaner. Good luck!!

He needs a reality check about you returning to work:

• shared load re drop off and pick ups
• proportional payment of wraparound care
• proportional payment of bills
• both partners to have equal access to spending money on self
• shared responsibility over life admin (appointments etc) and house duties (cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, decorating, etc)
• Both to take time off to cover school holidays and/or joint responsibility to find care for those times

From your OP it sounds like he wants you to get a job, (this is a good thing for you and the family), but doesn’t want it to impact him in any way. That is completely unrealistic.

I was kind of wondering where the money goes... even if he's fairly low down the legal ladder, he'll be on £72K minimum so even after paying the mortgage she still has more than enough 'play money' (sorry if that sounds offensive) but you know what I mean, housekeeping. But if he/they do want to buy a house then his salary alone won't go far, even in the burbs. It looks like that's what he wants, for them to be able to buy a house, so OP has to work. Maybe he thinks she's lazy (his words not mine). But I know plenty of SAHM/W's who've said once the kids are at school they don't have much to do, especially if they have a cleaner etc.

I am also wondering where the money goes. It sounds like she’s got access to little of the household income.

While I do absolutely think he has benefitted from having a SAHM, I think (given the ‘where does the money go?’ question) that the OP should absolutely be retraining and building herself a career.

She should be insisting that her husband does half of all the child and house related stuff - and getting herself into a better financial position with a career and a pension and so on.

Agree @AngkorWat

@AngkorWat So...let's just suppose a couple have school-age children. Husband works ft in a well-paid job. Wife doesn't work at all - not for any good reason (well, maybe apart from the fact she doesn't want the "humiliation" of wearing a uniform).
Is the money he earns still also "hers" to do as she pleases with?

Of course we hear one side of the story. I know a few women who were happy to stay at home and do the lion's share of childcare and house duties so long as they didn't have to work.

Encouraged the husband to be slob, oh you work hard darling, I'll pick your clothes up/put your plate in the sink/make the bed, do bedtime etc.
Basic stuff all in the hope of him being reliant on her so she won't have to go back to work.

They're shocked when he suddenly talks of her going back to work when he becomes resentful of doing all the earning.

She has enabled him to not help at home and but now throws it back in his face.
It takes two, and both to blame.

When kids are not home for most of the day, of course you have more time.

The jobs he's suggesting can easily be part-time, so doable.

You take up a job and joint money pays for childcare.

Being a sahm only works if you're on the same page, otherwise resentment grows.

Unless he's abusive, you've allowed him to check out, if your life is going to change, so does his, but that's something that should have been discussed earlier on.

What was the long term goal regarding your work?

If he died and you found out he had debts you didn't know about with not much left to you, what would you do?

Exactly. I can’t believe posters on here want her to get a low paid job and carry on doing everything at home. How far we have come….

Of course she should make him do 50:50 at home and with childcare and either retrain or get a full time job.

I doubt the OP is coming back but would be interested in how their finances work. Doesn’t seem like much of a partnership to me.

Do you know how hard it is to get a part-time job after being a SAHM for years, that fits around with school drop off and collection times

Why does it have to fit around school times? This is what childcare is for.

Really? In which sector do receptionists get promoted rapidly?