DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

I don't think there's anything particularly suspicious about the financial side.

I suspect the DH is well paid but not mega bucks, say more like £100-150k. If you don't get inheritance or parental support with a house deposit and you are supporting a wife and multiple children, it takes a while to save up for a deposit and you can live comfortably but not with loads of luxuries with a London mortgage to pay.

But who is looking after the kids when she does all of this training?

What do you actually want op?

👏👏👏👏👏
everyone i know
without exception

What a lot of monologuing nonsense,straight out daytime tv playbook. The Yea fuck him take him to cleaners sister. Meanwhile in real life the op is out of touch,entitled and too indignant to get a job

a minority of women lead a cushioned perfumed solvent life after divorce, the majority are divorced and then have to earn to pay their way. I’m not getting MC huge salary vibes from the op. So not sure she fall into the rich ex wife club. If she remain in London she’ll need to pay her way or find another man who’ll support a housewife without complaint

OK, take it or leave it. I am not from UK and I am older than you so different times. I met my husband working for a major multinational. May sound awful, but I was a woman who everybody wanted - by the age of 27 head of a function, international travel, generous remuneration etc. Fast forward 3 years - two lovely kids, but no help from anyone, one born in California where I arrived heavily pregnant after UK home office f*d up my visa extention and lost my passport. No rights to work in US for me. Still phone is ringing, "if only you could go and do two years assigment in country X". At the same time my other half is struggling to keep his job (linked to a visa and permission to stay in US), conversations at night "please don't take more that 30 dollars from the cash machine". Kids are so yound and full of allegies - I stay at home, cook from scratch, clean, do my very best. Back to rural Britain after 5 years of staying at home, kids 4 and 5, youngest is at reception. Ok, sod it, I am not a high flyer anymore, who cares, I love my husband and have two lovely kids. I get a job and a nanny. NO help at home. I am on my own, 8 to 8 corporate life, no luxury of WFH. Crawling home to kiss kids good night, put things away, all paperwork is mine, cooking dinner is mine ("I am so good at it"), sitting in front of tv to be a good wife and social, at 11pm my dearest goes to bed I am marching to the kitcnen to cook for next day - kids need tea before swimming, tennis whatever. Bed 1am alarm 6am.
Two years forward I am a nervous wreck. Children can't add up within ten, never mind substract from twenty (I've sent them to school with reading, writing and maths skills). Love of my love on his third job, conversations are still about "don't take more than 40 quid from the cash machine". M&S knickers are a luxury.
My children are grown up now. I stopped working after those two years for good. Life was tough, but we did manage. My children had a good education and went to top universities. Their father rose to the challenge to provide and made himself a good career. I am thinking of that other woman I once was as a complete stranger. I clean church, cook lent soups, edit village magazine and submit returns to HMRC for hundreds of thousands my husband would never earned without me.

The thing is that never having to think about who will have the kids does make things so much easier for the man with a SAHM at home.

I thought much like you. Then two things happened:

1. I was stupid enough to have a relationship with a divorced man whose exW was a SAHM. What I came to learn is that he had never experienced having to take an unexpected day off work, or say ‘sorry I have to go now’ and cut short a meeting. He’d never had to say no to (or give any real thought to) going out for after work stuff or saying yes to business travel. And so on, and so on. He’d basically swanned through being a parent without really giving it any thought in relation to work. What is more, I discovered that he in no way understood (or understands) any of this. He just fees utterly entitled to having his work treated as sacred.
2. Seeing a male colleague at work whose wife finally returned to work after about 15-20 years (his entire career) as a SAHM. Suddenly his need to pick up his children etc became everyone’s problem. An entire team full of women with children who’d never been SAHMs ended up furious with this man who simply couldn’t bring himself to believe that he wasn’t facing the most unique and most challenging circumstances ever because he needed to cook dinner on a Thursday night.

So, while having a SAHM isn’t the sole or determining factor in a man’s career trajectory, having one does make his life so much easier in many ways. And often he is completely oblivious to this.

He’s a lawyer - who has said he is not willing to change the current set up. (Where he does naff all at home).

So OP then works and does everything at home and all the school drop offs and pick ups. And all the illnesses and school holidays. Wonder what job is going to work in that situation?

Far better that she gets a decent job/retrains and demands he pulls his weight at home. However, I would bet it would become a ‘my job is more important than yours’ situation.

Sorry about your crap upbringing and not as an adult being able to get a better life and surround yourself with normal people with healthy relationships.

You should do something about it. You really should.

I was sorta on your side until your comments about wearing a uniform and snubbing retail and hospitality workers… you sound like a snob

I think you’d win that bet @Delatron.

Even if she got a really well paid job.

I have hideous memories of STBXH basically making out that my career was some pathetic, playing at things, pin money job, not like his Important six figure salary job. I was a senior lecturer at a university (and I have a PhD). But apparently it wasn’t good enough compared to his much more
impressive career. 🙄

If the wages from the jobs he is suggesting to you are so badly paid you will have to think about teacher training days, a child being poorly, holidays etc. Your pay won't really compensate for these and it may not be worth it in the immediate future. If he's just being a bit spiteful do a useful course from home while the kids are at school and use it when they are older. Or perhaps do some child minding after school along side with that. Doing tea for a few kids from school shouldn't be shameful and can earn you a few quid.

So you'd rather not work at all than have to go out to work in a uniform ? Yes, YABVU. I started looking for work a few months before my DC started school, bc I knew I won't be able to get a job as soon as I started looking. OP , you knew your DC would be starting reception this September for the last five-ish years, you should have already made a plan. I would accept the reality of your situation and start looking for work (uniformed or not) , and let your DH know that when you are back at work he'll have to start contributing domestically , including but not limited to , taking time off work when DC's are unwell and for Dr's /hospital appointments etc.

Because she did not pay for his degree. Fair is fair. Why can't her parents pay for her? For her further education? Why can't she pay for her further education or for her staying at home or for their new house out of her own savings - she allegedly has a degree and worked after university, if I am not mistaken. If she does not have enough savings for her re-training, or staying at home or buying their new house, it can only mean one thing - she is getting a free ride on his back. How much does one man need to be exploited? I have worked in a high stress job in a company and I have been a stay-at-home-do-everything-yourself mum. There is no comparison. A real job is so much harder. All that nonsense about proper packed lunches, etc. is pathetic, tbh.

Earnings are joint.
It should be added together and shared. It should never be I earn this ……you earn that. I earn more so I am more worthy crap!

If childcare is too expensive it should never be up to the lower earner to give up work completely. They will lose out not only professionally but also in terms of pension contributions. Not to mention just getting out of the house and having a life other than family, just like their spouse.

If childcare is too expensive they both need to make sacrifices to make it work,,not just one of them.

This is exactly the problem. So many women’s education, experience and skills are wasted because there aren’t enough roles that allow the flexibility they need.

Because they are married……they share……..it’s called being in a partnership

Are you the husband ?

@PrincessHoneysuckle TAs often start work at 8.30/8.45 and finish around 3.30ish (all being well!) so would need wrap around care before and after school. The pay is also appalling; obviously not equivalent to full-time working hours. Can easily be less than £1k p/m take home pay.

I must add in London there are flats and flats. Mansion block 2 bed in good area @ a £million
I dont think she’s in a flat above a food outlet in dire straits
in London there’s is no big deal about living in a flat. It’s not seen as a compromise or being poor. The trade off is a flat in nice zone 1-2 can be cost of a house on outskirts. That’s the reality
op does chores, she’s not actually doing any of the professional legal he does, she’s not making contribution that adds to his competences, his cod or skills. She’s being a parent & doing the regular chores everyone else does whilst working
All this she maintains & support him is clearly untrue because he’s stressed and seeking a change, want her to get employment. So, if she was so pivotal and responsible for his success why is he unhappy? He’s probably unhappy because he carries all financial responsibilities and sees that stretching out in front of them with her taking no responsibility and her not seeking any discernible changes . What a life being the work donkey whilst she…she..she does pretty much nowt to contribute

I can see your husband’s perspective because even if you only earned a modest salary it would contribute to being able to get a bigger mortgage to upsize and go on a holiday or have other luxuries.

HOWEVER I am a City lawyer on a reasonable salary and I would never expect my DH to do the jobs you have listed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with those jobs of course except they earn maybe 10-15% of what I make in a year. It wouldn’t be worth the stress unless it was something he really wanted to do for himself.

As parents we know the school hours go by in a flash and there are always plenty of things that need seeing to at home. Plus school is term times only so you’d be out of pocket paying for holiday childcare etc.

I think if he’s on his way up in his career and you’re looking after the home life side of things then that’s a fair balance and he’s being pretty unreasonable to push it.

I agree - but the husband can’t have it both ways. If you choose the ‘economic reality’ view then it is also the economic reality that she needs to retrain. He needs to support her while she does.

There really doesn’t need to be any more flexibility than for the dad once they start back working after kids.
Two people had kids together so
Two people take care of kids and other stuff.

They don’t need any more flexibility than their husbands
Its called equality

There are lots of coding courses around - 16 weeks to become fully trained and lots are gov funded. Then a lot of working at home. The suggestion of TA or admin in a school is good too.

Whether you work from home or not, you need concrete agreement from your DH that if you work X hours, this will reduce your time on household tasks and you still need to pick up the kids. So he needs to a) increase his involvement in household tasks and childcare or b) contribute financially to a cleaner/ dry cleaning / after school club etc.

"He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!"

Time for a serious sit-down at the table with pen and paper and a list of 'what do we do when?'.

What do we do when the children are sick and can't go to school?
What do we do when the children are on school holidays?
What do we do when the children are on school inset days?
What do we do when the children have medical/dental appointments?

That's just off the top of my head, I'm sure you can add loads more events which are 'covered' by there being a stay-at-home-parent.

And of course, the last item on the list should be:

What do we do when the I am sacked for the amount of time I have taken off work to attend to the foregoing 'what if's??

I empathise OP, I would be riled if my DH said I had to find a job as soon as the kids go to school. Oh and he plans to do FA to help at home if you find a job. Pretty sure we live in the century where men don't get to tell their wives what to do. There shouldn't be any time pressure on it. You've contributed to the household by providing childcare which is way bloody harder than any job. You've enabled his career. Now he needs to support you finding employment, which after a break might take time. I would think about what you want to do, make a plan, perhaps you need to do a course, take some training and study. Don't rush into something just because your husband says you should.
Ask him what his plan is for managing the home when you're working. Hire a cleaner, tell him he will need to take on 50% of the load or pay for someone to do his share if he can't be arsed.

If not the husband, I suspect that poster is looking to just be deliberately provocative.