DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

OP has told us her DH works very long hours and has little time for the DC. He also expects his life not to change at all. So it isn't going to be a split shifts scenario. He's not prepared, which is the whole point.

Why should she have been retraining before the youngest went to school though?

Remember that he has benefitted massively from having no childcare responsibilities right through the preschool years.

And remember that he doesn’t want her to retrain or anything that might cost money. Just get a minimum wage job immediately (but presumably still be providing childcare services so he doesn’t need to interrupt his Important Work with that).

Yes, she should think about retraining and building a career now. Especially since she seems to have minimal access to money despite there being plenty of it in the marriage. But I don’t really see why you think not having done so previously is some sort of terrible failing.

(I say that as someone who has never been a SAHM and has mostly been the main earner in my household - but without the luxury of a SAHP to make that easier. I still don’t understand the nastiness aimed at the OP because she’s not delighted to try to get a care work job the instant her husband has decreed she must contribute financially - beyond saving them tens of thousands in nursery fees).

I thought you’re a bit unreasonable until I read he disagrees to pay for further education. Yes, you can do casual jobs but you should also be at least a little fulfilled. Time to make a plan and to make it clear it’s not a fairy that comes around to deal with the house and kids; if you’re contributing financially he has do contribute domestically

And also nothing wrong with uniformed entry level roles.

As for skilled professionals, I'm sure the people who delivered your babies were wearing uniforms OP. Stop being an uninformed snob.

What is your educational background? What jobs have you held in the past? Have you looked at returners programs like https://careerreturners.com/returners/returner-opportunities-programmes/ or https://www.ten2two.org/ which specialises in advertising jobs that can work around school times.

Getting back into work at this stage isn’t a bad thing at all. Your husband thinking it shouldn’t impact him at all or that you’ll have all the time in the world is ridiculous. I would also question him not wanting you to upskill at all, additional training could really help your confidence.

I don’t think you need to look at low skill, low pay jobs, there is much more out there for you, I am sure. If you do work full time you can get wrap around care for your children, hire a cleaner, and your husband can shoulder life admin along with you.

Oh I don’t deny this at all! I know most working mums (and most work) who either retrain whilst their DC are young (before starting school) or deliberately return to work sooner than they’d like because in some cases they know that time off looking after children will mean their career drops several rungs on the ladder.

But OP made the decision to do what she did regardless.

9 years is a bloody long time and she could’ve got a masters, PhD and completely retrained but she didn’t. I can’t work out if she wanted to be a SAHM/W forever or if she wanted to return to work as she did wfh last year.

OP has posted here before (I checked) so she might be back…

This is all covered in her OP. Whether her degree was transferable to UK I’m unsure.

OP has a degree and worked afterwards.
Then had a family.

The idea that all the family money is her husbands is quite shocking tbh. I wonder if she’s walking round in rags as clearly apparently she has no right to anything.

They are a partnership, married with children. Dhs wages are family money. He does not have total control of family money just because OP isn’t in paid work whilst she’s been having kids.
If OP wants to retrain it’s not her dhs decision, it’s a family decision with each of them having equal say.

Furthermore
OP retraining for a higher level job as she already has a degree will give her, in theory, the opportunity for a higher salary which will benefit the whole family. This will also give her the ability to pay more into her own pension. I’m sure her dh has a pension which he’s been paying into for the 9 years OP has been bringing up the kids. I would also advice OP paying more into her pension as she’s lost out on those years which she has every right to do, to bring it inline with her dhs.

Plenty of people work without having a SAHP at home.

Why shouldn’t her DH (and the family!) pay towards her retraining @MarygoldRose?

He has massively benefitted from 9 years of having her at home looking after the house and kids. Now, he should be thinking about how he can facilitate her to build a career.

They are married. It’s supposed to be a partnership. But so many posters on this thread seem to think she’s just some kind of parasite.

She didn’t help herself with the uniform comment but people just seem to have decided that is a good reason to be nasty and pretend she hasn’t been supporting his career for the best part of a decade.

Not this man though.

This family has had a SAHP which has allowed him to opt out of family responsibilities and be treated like the second coming of Christ is he turns up in time to do the occasional bath time.

Families where both parents work rush around doing childcare drop offs and pick ups and juggle it all between them. This man wants full SAHM service with his wife also bringing in a wage.

I haven’t misunderstood her OP, I am stating that her husband is ridiculous in thinking her going back to work will have no impact on him. What a selfish pov he has. I also find it ridiculous that he doesn’t want her to retrain, he sounds controlling and unkind. Further, I would hope she will look beyond retail and service jobs. Why should she settle rather than aim a bit higher?

I don’t rush around at all minus the occasional unorganised day. We do juggle it between us which seems much more ideal to me that one parent spending so little time with their kids.

I’m just not convinced that OP’s DH’s career would’ve fallen apart without her as a SAHM.

It wouldn't have fallen apart but it would have been dramatically curtailed.

He's stressed now - can you imagine how much more stressful he would have found it to actually have taken a truly fair share of all the shitwork that needs to be done to run a family with small children in childcare and two full time workers?

In the vast majority of families I know with this set up, the wife still does the vast majority of said shitwork, including almost all the mental load and almost all the emotional work involved in helping kids survive such a set up.

Given he currently works long hours and just occasionally dips in for the picturesque bits of family life, I suspect things would look very different had the OP not been a SAHM.

Your response is very ‘well I do it this way and it’s fine. So it must be the same for everyone.’ But clearly this situation is quite different to yours.

Lots of parents do really have to juggle work commitments and childcare. It’s not always nice and easy bar ‘the odd disorganised day’ for everyone.

No, I never understand this insistence on the idea that the SAHP has somehow been instrumental in facilitating the WOHP's progression at work. If that were the case, you would expect all senior professionals to have SAHPs in the background, but that certainly isn't the case in my experience.

More often, in the families that I know, it is either the case that one spouse's earning potential has been high enough to facilitate the other spouse being able to make a choice about whether to maintain their career or SAH, or that the other spouse's earning potential is too low to make paying for childcare cost-effective.

and it isn’t always the rushed around nightmare where working parents can’t even manage to give their kids a ‘decent’ breakfast or packed lunch either (as a pp seemed to think) which always seems to be made out on threads like this.

I also was at home 9 years. I started volunteering first to build confidence and get a relevant reference. You can also pretty much pick your hours. Very, very worth while. I did this a year while applying for jobs. Have now had a part time role since my youngest started school and am looking to increase those hours now he is off to high school. You will enjoy it. It'll be stressful at first but it's great to have something that's yours.

That is almost always the preferred narrative.

It isn't often the truth.

It only works if it's the woman's responsibility to pay for childcare out of her salary - when in fact it should come out of both in the ratio that they earn at.

Don't forget that many women's jobs are historically underpaid because... women's jobs

Hallelujah. After reading pages and pages of this thread completely aghast at the ‘get a job’ brigade. Finally a post that gets it.

He won’t change a thing! He won’t help out at home. He likes his life as it is - he’s not suddenly start helping out at home and being around at bedtime is he? So OP will be doing everything and working. Whilst he carries on as before. Yet it’s oh poor DH. And lazy OP. He loved the arrangement whilst it worked for him
didn’t he?

I’d also wonder where the hell all the money is going if he is a lawyer in London and you live in a flat with no childcare costs or debts yet can’t afford a holiday.

Exactly.

DH and I are both senior professionals and obviously don’t have a SAHP at home.

Did you plan to never work again?

I'm sorry but that really isn't a reasonable expectation.

*Medschoolmum · Today 20:13

No, I never understand this insistence on the idea that the SAHP has somehow been instrumental in facilitating the WOHP's progression at work. If that were the case, you would expect all senior professionals to have SAHPs in the background, but that certainly isn't the case in my experience.

More often, in the families that I know, it is either the case that one spouse's earning potential has been high enough to facilitate the other spouse being able to make a choice about whether to maintain their career or SAH, or that the other spouse's earning potential is too low to make paying for childcare cost-effective.*

This. Dh and i are both senior/successful professionals. We don't have a nanny.

We have a weekly cleaner, we use a childminder for wraparound care, we have to pretty organised about who's doing what but overall it works.

No, of course childcare is a shared responsibility. But ultimately, if it costs the household more to have the lower-earning parent at work than to have them at home, many families may feel that there is little choice but to go down the SAHP route.

I don't think it's right, but it's the economic reality for many and I don't think it's helpful to deny that.

Jeez!! Do you know how hard it is to get a part-time job after being a SAHM for years, that fits around with school drop off and collection times, plus your husband's full on full-time career? If it's so easy, please tell me where to get one!

I gave up a high earning career when we started a family, and have struggled to get a part-time job after a career break, that also fits around my husband's work, sure I've done a couple of minimum wage jobs, but shift-work, coupled with working in low paying industries that treat their staff like shit, when you're a highly educated individual capable of highly skilled jobs (but can't get one because you can't work full-time), is bloody soul-destroying, not to mention not a valuable use of your time for the poor remuneration.

She's not an "unproductive consumer", she's raising their children and keeping their home, which is something he is unprepared to take any part in even if she does manage to get a suitable job.