DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

I think the point to take is that while clearly lots of lone parents are able to juggle inflexible, low paid jobs and multiple DC, they aren't typically earning enough to upgrade from a flat to a house in London while they do it.

Additionally, in practice a single parent in an expensive area doing a job like waitressing would almost certainly be entitled to substantial childcare subsidies. Based on the information OP has given, they probably wouldn't get UC and might not even have access to tax free childcare either. Which moves the financial goalposts.

I don't agree with what the PP said but I don't agree that he can only work because she takes care of the kids. He'd use paid childcare if she wasn't there. That's what single parents do.

Many pages in and OP has never come back ...

Childcare costs for school age is minimal, especially if it's just in school holidays.

Exactly this.
You both made a decision that you would abandon career-building so that the children wouldn't be pushed immediately into childcare. It was a valid choice, but it has consequences. You will need further education in order to mitigate the damage done to your prospects, and during this time, and afterwards once you are working, you will as a family need to pay for good childcare and domestic support, so that you are not doing double shifts while he continues to focus solely on his career.

Or he accepts that there is a price to having the responsibility for childcare lifted from his shoulders for all these years.

Single parents are disadvantaged in their careers, he doesn’t have that problem because of OP.

What constitutes minimal in the area OP lives, and why assume would it only be in school holidays?

I was responding to a post which said you have to have qualifications.

When in fact you do not need any qualifications, unlike the teacher.

Schools usually like grade4 in English and Maths then 3-6months of being monitored in school to get your level 2.

Ultimately It’s the schools decision what they want their TAs to have, there are no standard ‘requirements’.

If you have a degree like OP online courses will get you to a higher level relatively quickly which can give you a higher salary and more responsibilities.

I agree that he should step up more if she gets a job - but I don't agree with the idea that working with school age children is incredibly hard.

In fact this is part of why I think she would be better off getting a more serious career job rather than a waitressing type job, the former is often more flexible

It would depend what job she got, obviously but if she got something part time.

So he’s going to be doing his share of the school runs and taking days off when the kids are off school? And he’s going to be popping by Tesco on his way home from
work to do the big shop? And his half of the housework?

Lovely. Make all of that clear and start making plans to get the qualifications and experience you need to build a career.

What is your degree?

Many are definitely, but there are also very successful single parents out there, not all are in poverty! I know one woman who is a millionaire off her own back. Obviously that's rare but I don't like this idea that we can't possibly make anything of ourselves as it's "too hard".

Part time and part time around school hours aren't the same thing.

But it goes to my point: the reason OPs DH wants her to start working now in these roles is financial. He thinks the household will see more money if she begins work in a low paid, inflexible role now, rather than funding retraining. He's talked about retraining taking money from the kids.

That is optimistic, as well as short sighted. The fact that lots of single mums manage to pay the bills in those jobs whilst simultaneously receiving substantial childcare funding doesn't change that.

If you have no debt (presumably you own the flat outright) and he’s a fairly senior lawyer, why is there no money?

Is he financially abusing you?

It would depend what hours he workd I suppose. Many couples work opposite shifts. My dad worked days and my mum evenings when I was a baby so there were no childcare costs at all. But he'd have to be prepared to step up with household stuff.

Him sounding like an arse aside…

Look at skills bootcamps to help you get into a career. https://find-employer-schemes.education.gov.uk/schemes/skills-bootcamps

She’s financially dependent. He’s the sole earner. She’s beneficiary of his salary. She consumes he earns & pays for everything. Maybe you find that unpalatable,but it’s true. It’s not a partnership, she knows he is exhausted & stressed and does nothing to contribute or alleviate that. No woman has a right to be the beneficiary of the money just because she’s a parent. Not unreasonably he’s asking his smart degree educated wife to get a job. She’s aghast because well, it involves effort. So she’s tied it up in verbal gymnastics of double shift when actually it’s just doing what most other folk manage day to day. Op is putting up barriers and not now…yea but no but..uniform but.. she wants to consume

What degree did you do? Have you transferable skills? Worked 2 nights a week as a staff nurse when the kids were young.Wearing a uniform can show you have a professional job and can give you independence and a self of worth.Plenty of women work and manage childcare .

I agree with your husband.

The time she should have been retraining was before the youngest child went to school. The OP ought to have anticipated and planned for a return to work. She even describes the 9 years as a "break".

However I don't think it matters what anyone posts because I doubt this OP is coming back to her thread.

What that she needs to get a job (without any further training) and continue to have 100% of the childcare and household responsibility (since she’s a women)?

So he gets to have the fun and exciting career and she just gets the job to bring in a bit of extra money. Doesn't seem very equal. He should facilitate her to have a career of her choosing (within reason) if they are both going to work, and that may mean him making some changes to his life.

And they probably won't return

Nurses go out of the house in a uniform
You need to get over yourself 🤦🏼‍♀️

The trouble is that the (fundamentally conservative) 'girl boss/just do it' narrative hides the fact that structural inequality means that the vast majority of women single parents are fucked.